Liv

This is just my journal atp

[astrolutelynot]

I love you still,

but I release you finally

for now I know, i was meant to lose you

so I could find me.

[astrolutelynot]

and going through it in the dark

Is what helped me find my spark.

[astrolutelynot]

You know what it does to me

your missing words in my song

you know what i asked for

for time, for your heart

for the swooping crows have ripped mine apart

and in its wake, a monster lays

a darkness still that I must not wake

for i do not wish to give anyone the power

to dismiss my words because they came out

with a shriek.

You know what you’re doing,

and yet you continue.

You tell me you must

be true to you, where once that meant your heart meets mine,

with the waning moon it has lost its shine,

no longer a thing to be treasured

no longer a thing I horde

What a thing, what a waste,

what the fuck dude get the fuck out

have a good fucking life with your dumbass girlfriend

who lowkey sounds manipulative as fuck lol

have funz queen

UGHHHHH but i dont want that for you

this is what im trying not to do

i dont think i can be around you

i dont think i can be around you

i can do this i can do this i can do this AND IT IS EASY

i have myself convinced.

I promised you once

that i will be your guide through day or night

but hands grow weary of rowing this boat

whilst you help all passerbys stay afloat

some stay longer, others don’t

I’d hoped you and me was forever

well, at least i still have hope.

What i wont do is let you win

what i wont do is give in

to this anger that grows,

a violence that shows,

violent. you said i was violent

and now im scared you might be right

now i fear theres a part of me that wants to fight

every one and thing that’s been happening

How do you express your distress without being upset

How do you express your distress without being upset

how do you express your distress sans upset

some one tell me please help me but no not yet

for i must find it myself, i’ll find my path

and perhaps be free of this monster at last.

But one thing i’d like to say -

you have been unkind too.

My monster shares kin within you.

[astrolutelynot]

That’s my girl.

A friend who waits

until I reach my limit until I break

to tell me how much I need to

calm down

a friend who decides

where the edges of our ships lie

in the guise of boundaries or some other thing

a friend who knows where I’ve died

a thousand times

only to pick at the same wounds with her manicured nails

seeming indifferent, feeling precise

I love you still, your sharp edges digging into my heart,

but i must sail away good friend,

it is time i depart.

[astrolutelynot]

Is this normal?

This feeling or this idea that

nobody exists in this world for me

but you

that there is not a single other aside from

you

that you are the whole world and i’m nothing in between

perhaps its limerence or obsession or

a teenage dream

but i wish for you to love me the way i love you

not with intensity; but despite

the crashing of my heart, love me

despite the way it soars love me

when i can’t hold myself anymore love me

for i can’t see

there’s nothing but you in this world to me

and its scary how easily i can forget

the ease i lived with

before we met.

[astrolutelynot]

I think i get anxious bringing people to my family’s home because I worry that it will change their perception of me and relating to me. i want to be able to relate to people based on who I am and who they are, and if they do define me by my wealth i want it to be the wealth that i have built for myself through my drive and intent. But I suppose that’s a form of control, to try and control people’s perception of me which is impossible. So i must be honest as who i am and appreciate the people that stay and accept the people that go, until i get to the point i want to be at for myself.

[astrolutelynot]

I’m finding myself anxious about how i’m showing up in my dynamics with people. I think some aspects of it is actually quite helpful, the parts where i can reflect and ponder on the possible ramifications of my actions. but i wonder in what capacity it is causing me to limit myself versus what I am doing out of mindfulness.

I don’t know.

[astrolutelynot]

I already lost you, it’s been months

Now we’re only playing pretend

under the setting sun.

[astrolutelynot]

iiii don’t know what to do

things with you don’t feel like they used to

until you kiss me just right,

until sparks ignite and fizzle out with out a trace

there’s something missing i can’t quite place

a quiet, a fog, a cold wall between us

this distance the rush of pleasure can’t fill

for a moment i feel nothing

until i do, for a moment, but it doesn’t fit right

like the old pjs you outgrow overnight

like the shape of your lips when they touch mine

and i yearn so deeply but not enough

to turn on the lights.

Do I want this? At all costs.

Do I want this? Not at all.

Do I love you? With all my heart.

Do I love you? I think I did in the start

and i still do in some type of way but

When I’m talking to you I have nothing to say

When you’re not around I can’t keep away

What is this if not love? What is this if not grief?

If you’d lost someone to death

and got another chance to speak

what would you do? live half a life in the past?

hoping your bubble won’t shatter like glass?

this isn’t going anywhere.

Its time i stop.

[astrolutelynot]

There are moments when everything comes rushing back

a kid finding worlds that i felt i could understand

the years melt away and i’m who i’ve always been

but not really.

but with wasted years in between

or at least that’s how it feels.

I know I must get up and make moves.

What is holding me back?

The weight of possible failure?

[astrolutelynot]

I think for the first time in a long time

I’m feeling like maybe i need to be single

to work on my relationship with myself

It sounds like the most freeing and appealing shiny option.

All my other options feel dull and stagnant or harmful to my self.

But i guess what i need to consider is what comes after that choice-

I don’t see him anymore.

We talk on occasion and its chill conversations, nothing heated.

And if i’m being honest, on one end i find that appealing. The attraction feels like its fading. Like yes you can make me feel good and comfortable but alsooo i dont know there’s something different. Something missing. I can’t tell what it is.

Why isn’t there a guidebook to this

[astrolutelynot]

Right. So. It didn’t feel like it used to.

It can’t possibly, there’s too much hurtful stuff that happened for that to be possible. Pain changes things - any action or intention or will or force in one direction a directly causes a transformation upon the object and it is different now.

The heat was there, but watered down and distant.

There was a dis-ease in the outlines of the walls.

A distance that neither of us could place.

a quiet between words that used to be comforting

but now wrought an awkward sound

as each of us sought to fill it with not our hearts but

our crown

so it went how it went and maybe its best we’re not talking immediately.

Both he and i need to process what this means to we.

[astrolutelynot]

Monogamy / Polyamory

I think when I think of the person i am in a relationship with, being with someone else, showing them interest and affection, it makes me seethe.

If you ask Freud it could be because as a child my mom had other kids within our extended family she needed to take care of and in my perspective I felt resentful of not having more of her time and attention - unless I was hurt or sick, which would get me her attention and so I look for the attention of others and like to hold it by victimizing myself or martyring myself. While I can’t completely deny the existence of this point of pain in my past, I would argue that maybe the initial topic, this feeling of jealousy is inherent to the concept and experience of love.

However compersion does exist as well so maybe ‘inherent’ is not the best word.

(to be cootd.)

[astrolutelynot]

My partner/ex/now ??? visited this weekend.

We had a nice time. We ate sooo much good food.

I’m not sure why but it felt different though and yet the same.

A lot has happened. We are not who we were before.

I miss who we were before, or how safe things felt before.

I can at the same time feel the pain and the understanding that I learned a lot about my relationship with myself and my relationship with other people in the painful times and what came after that.

I’m not so sure what the path forward is but I’m not too quick to judge. I do hope at least that what i choose does not come from the motivation of keeping something dead alive.

that would be upsetting. I hope I don’t keep myself stuck because of this. Would a clean break be best?

Can I truly trust this person? Are people inherently good just misunderstood? these type of questions are going through my head. There is construction going on outside and its quite annoying i’m unsure how to escape it.

It was a nice weekend. I didn’t fully feel it.

[astrolutelynot]

Hot tip: sometimes relationships will fade and you will notice, and nobody will address it and that is okay. Let it happen naturally even though everything inside you says it should be addressed or talked about or given a pretty bow but that’s a form of control.

Stuff happens, let it. See where life is trying to take you next, because if things are leaving your life, inherently it implies that there are things entering your life. And chances are, they’re better for you - because you have learned and grown and you know yourself more so your filter is more aligned to who you are now.

As the filter grows more fine; remember that it may be some time before you find your next set of kin

but do go out and try new things for that is were

friendship lives.

[astrolutelynot]

its okay to look

to shed light upon

that which you have learned to push down

avoid and ignore in the quest for perfection

or perhaps the hopes of ease

but its time now to let go and release

for its okay to look

to see the parts we wish were different

not out of judgment or hurt; but curiousity

so we can chart course from where we are

to where we want to be.

[kosmogrl]

I will get there