Audri- Alcohol Free

Navigating my first AF year "Sober curious" Vegan/travel/coffee

[audri-af]

June 21, 2023

Day 150 in a row/ 171 for the year.

I've decided to start at the beginning of my sobriety journal (1/1/23) and post until I'm caught up.

[audri-af]

Dry February 2023 💓

[audri-af]

February 27, 2023

Day 58 total/35 in a row

Re-read Daring Greatly Brene Brown (Numbing Chapter)

Is AF beer/wine/spirits providing accessibility to people who would might need it?

I would say yes.

But does that come at the cost of perpetuating alcohol culture?

Also, yes.

Is it worth it? How much can we really 'vote with our dollars' here if we're starting trends away from alcohol but still supporting the same 3 huge beer companies?

I know not everyone cares about the idea of alcohol culture, but I think these are interesting questions for those of us who do. I'd still say I err on the side of harm reduction here.

Update: in the DJ group I posted this in, someone said I contradicted myself, and I just cannot see where. Where exactly does the fear of nuance get us?

[audri-af]

February 24, 2023

Day 55 Total/32 in a row

I feel like I approached sobriety backward from most people and that can feel kind of alienating. But it's significant. I think most sober people see alcohol differently than I do and moderators see people differently.

[audri-af]

February 20, 2023

It's Day 50 for me! And I'm halfway through my week and a half in my hometown

(on the 18th, I had some shrooms and something else and I felt really bad the next day). One thing that's been on my mind lately is that I still haven't told my mom about my decision to be AF. This isn't super weird since I haven't seen her much since I've been in town (her boyfriend had a medical emergency unfortunately). But I've been dreading the conversation regardless. It's not that I think she'd pressure me or ask invasive questions, but I think that she'd be too happy and that would make me mad. My family seems to have this view that alcoholism is an independent problem and once people cut it out, their lives just automatically improve. For me and many others, alcohol was a coping mechanism that was used for years to try to forget about childhood trauma. I'm avoiding the conversation because I know it will make me resentful of my family's part in my trauma, but I am hoping for the strength to just deal with it now. I used alcohol for a long time to avoid feeling anger, and I think letting myself feel it is going to be a necessary part of continuing this journey for me.

[audri-af]

February 14, 2023

Day 49 Total/23 In a row

My first Valentine's Day sober and my first Valentine's Day single in six years. I'm still embarrassed by my drunk actions last time. Six years ago, I was running away from home, making my friends search for me in the streets and today I climbed my first mountain! It was scary, but I've never felt stronger. I can't believe that I once thought that getting older and giving up alcohol would make my life less adventurous. And I think I learned some lessons that can translate to my sobriety:

To look at the path in front of me and not get distracted or overwhelmed by focusing off in the distance.

Journeys aren't all positivity and excitement. Some parts suck, but that makes the experience even better.

I am safe and I am competent.

[audri-af]

February 5-11, 2023

Days 36-42 Total/14-20 in a row

My last week in Death Valley included a few challenging days, half a cigarette, and a beautiful picnic. I had forgotten that warm weather was a trigger. I wasn't in DV for long, but it changed me. I hope I remember it forever.

[audri-af]

February 6, 2023

Day 37 Total/15 in a row

Something clicked. I want to keep going after I hit my year goal. I saw a tiktok today where the person said that they wanted to remember the rest of their life and I just broke down sobbing. I don't want to lose another day to addiction. There were so many things I just wanted to forget or days I would rather have spent sleeping and avoiding in my past, but my life is in a different place now and I finally love myself enough to try.

[audri-af]

February 5, 2023

Today I am feeling so excited about the journey ahead of me I feel like I'm re-learning how to live. Everything is new.

What does alcohol add to my experiences???

[audri-af]

February 2, 2023

Day 32 for the year/11 in a row

I've been thinking about practicing sobriety vs. being sober. I posted this in my favorite DJ group: Later this month, I will be driving from my current place of employment- 15 hours back to my hometown, then 14 hours to my next job/home (it will end up being a 23-hour drive total). It occurred to me that no one will know me on this trip and that I could- in theory- "get away with" having a drink at the hotel during a break from driving or on some leg of the trip. Almost immediately after having this thought, I connected it to a previous one I've had about being plant-based. Before I moved here (California), I thought, "I could just choose to consume animal products with no pressure". Bu that would be ridiculous because being vegan isn't a static identity to me; practicing veganism is an active choice that I make every day. And I'm so glad that I had this little moment to connect the two situations in my head because I think that framing my abstinence as "practicing sobriety" rather than "being sober" can be so powerful and helpful for me.

Further, practicing veganism isn't a grocery list for me; it's a framework of how I view the world and I think that practicing sobriety can also be viewed beyond the scope of not drinking. Here's a little list of what practicing sobriety means to me right now.

Practicing Sobriety:

Abstaining from alcohol and drugs

Finding new ways to connect with others and celebrate that do not dull my emotions

Defining and staying true to my boundaries

Allowing myself to feel negative emotions and analyze them

Eating in a way that feels right for me (less processed) and moving my body every day- especially outdoors

Acting with integrity and being nice to myself

Practicing compassion and self-compassion

[audri-af]

February 1, 2023

Day 31 for the year/10 in a row

Written for DJ Facebook group:

I just finished my third Dry January, and this is the first time I've decided to extend it; my current goal is one year. The real difference this time around was that I moved states in November, away from my hometown where my entire social life revolved around alcohol. Today, I had a realization that I used alcohol for a long time to ignore my own boundaries and let friends disrespect me. Honestly, they also do this and our whole relationship has turned into a kind of mean, petty cycle. I wasn't ready to walk away from that, even after my move, until now and 30 days alcohol-free. So this next part is scary.

P.S. I deserve a healthy partner!

[audri-af]

[audri-af]

January 22, 2023

Day 22 total/Day 0 in a row

I didn't feel good today. Also smoked weed.

*"Stumbled" today!- I got drunk with some coworkers and I definitely embarrassed myself. It reminded me of all the reasons I decided to stop.

[audri-af]

January 20, 2023

Day 20

I got a job offer, but not the one I applied for. I turned down a beer at game night tonight.

[audri-af]

January 18, 2023

Day 18

Did a "newly sober" meditation today. Having some anxiety from a possible job opportunity.

[audri-af]

January 15, 2023

Day 15

Fun night. Mario Kart and Just Dance. It's really interesting having a social scene that doesn't revolve around alcohol.

[audri-af]

January 13, 2023

Day 13

Slept well last night. It might have been the Ashwaganda.