Holy fuck, am I touch starved? Is that's what's going on? I dream so often about being in romantic or physically-intimate situations, sometimes with people my brain just makes up, and I wake up still thinking about them. Their faces, their hairstyles, even their voices. I can remember some of them even now, at least to some extent. (Although I wish I dreamt about some of them less often)
It feels so nice, to have someone look me straight in the eyes and want me. To see me, as I am, and want me, anyway. If I was awake, I would recoil from it, mentally make up some excuse that, even if true, would be mostly a deflection.
And yet, when I'm asleep, I don't feel that omnipresent anxiety. That worry. That fear that I'm going too far, that I'm betraying someone close to me. Or, at least, not as much as I normally would/do.
I haven't showered enough/recently/I'm not clean enough. (Don't touch me, I might make you dirty)
"I'm not super comfortable with that, right now." (You haven't earned that right, yet, and I don't know if I want to/can let that happen yet/if at all, or let myself trust you.
Maybe I deserve to be taken care of. Maybe I deserve to lie still and stop being the one to DO things. Maybe I deserve to lay down and rest, let someone else take the lead. But I can't. I don't know how. I feel so directionless, aimless, ungrateful.
I'm so used to things being quid pro quo, and I understand that for a lot of people, they are- myself included. Who wouldn't feel taken advantage of if the brunt/all of the work/cleaning/home maintenance was put on them? Who wouldn't feel slighted when what I can do is either so infrequent, lackluster, or draining?
The idea of someone taking care of me, of looking me straight in the eyes and saying "I want you anyway", of seeing me as I am, and not flinching is so enticing. But I had it once, and I failed. And if I got it again, I wouldn't know what to do with it.
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