Things have changed much too quickly in too short a period of time, and for Aušrinė, the shift had been so titanic, so sudden, it felt as if a great universal equilibrium had been disturbed. Ever since they received news of Pan’s death—murdered, found dead on the floor of his own apartment no less—they felt like their whole life had been upended. For what was supposed to be a permanent fixture of their life is now gone from the mortal plane for at least one human lifetime, which, while considering an immortal existence, may not be so significant, was still quite a considerable span of time to trudge through everyday life without someone’s presence. Well, he’s not really dead, Aušrinė reminded themself, but for Ieva Dawn, the giga-star known as AUŠRINĖ, life on earth certainly will never be the same. Their dear friend, the first friend they ever had, Peter Allaway was dead, and the gods are throwing a damn party over it.
Were they perhaps feeling a bit of anger over this? They pondered, rather weakly, as they seriously considered not showing up to the party for a solid thirty-five minutes. They caved easily not just by remembering that this is The Cloud that they were being invited to (their paradise away from home), but that with Pan gone, they’ve also lost a very, very valuable connection. Besides, Aušrinė never quite felt like they even… knew true anger. They understood what it was, as they do with most feelings that had been recorded. They understood what anger drives people to do, and how it can metastasize once it infests a soul. Gods came into being embodying the emotion, and mortals feared and worshipped these gods all the same (though that may have changed quite a bit over time). So they’ve always known anger for what it was but had thought the experience to be far away from their own. For after all, what could the dawn and the stars possibly hold anger for?
For aeons that was how Aušrinė have existed, through everything they’ve seen, lived and known, until they became Ieva—the morning star, voice of truth and grace, muse of the gods and a friend of Pan.
So what I’m saying, really… is just— in their fleeting thought of the late Nature God, memories of a cherished moment swelled. When you’ve been down here long enough, eventually you’ll find out that, honestly… It was one of the first times he spoke to them, and what he said then had stuck. The only thing that makes us special down here, is that we don’t die. Maybe one day you’ll get it, twinkles, maybe one day you will, and as Pan had said, become human enough. Perhaps the pain they felt whenever someone brings up his name is a sign.
They pulled all the strings they could as soon as they stepped into The Cloud to gather all the waters, cigs and pills they wanted and find a way to be escorted away to one of those truly exclusive spaces where only a few have ever been allowed access. Thankfully, Kanaloa seems to be too buzy to care about what Aušrinė was going to get up to, and have trusted them enough to generally allow them to come and go in their mansion as they wish. While Aušrinė was sure that Kanaloa would have wanted anyone in the backstage to be sober, lest they throw up in one of his pools or something, they enjoyed themself about half a dozen glasses of gigglewater, reassured Hebe, Meg and Erzulie before they went staring at the fishes alone in one of Kanaloa’s secret little rooms. It was worth coming if just for the few hours Aušrinė got to spend floating alone, bustling life at an arm’s reach, in the coral reef pool (which had a cool name, but they couldn’t remember). A fully alive, diverse, and perfectly self-sustaining ecosystem in a deceptively large pool on the bottom floor of the mansion, built into the lake the mansion sits atop of using the wonders of modern technology. Aušrinė remembered how amazed they were the first time they were invited here, and saw those sceneries that also supposedly, was a product of nature. That was one moment where they realised how much more of earth they must not have known if they’ve only ever experienced it from up there. But nature is dead. The thought occurred quietly as they sat by the pool with legs dipped in and every colour visible and distorted and where there was a whole world beneath their toes. Their grief fought against their own awareness and surfaced, producing a deep aching in their chest which was beginning to feel heavier and heavier. They wondered what Pan would have thought of them right now, they wondered what snide comment he would make at them as they giggled senselessly at Kanaloa’s fish. Too much happiness can be exhausting, they decided, and then felt that they did not want to be alone anymore.
Sneaking back into the party was as simple a task as Aušrinė hoped it’d be. And for some reason a lot of people seem to also have wet hair. They took a moment to ground themself in the world around them, taking in the presence of bodies clad luxuriantly, dancing unrestrained and existing graciously in the radiance of the bright, neon glow that illuminated the space. They had no idea what time it had been, only that the energy that filled the blue and pink hued halls around them did not show any sign of dampening. And when a sensually dressed waiting staff walked up to them to offer them another glass of gigglewater, Aušrinė too got caught up in the flow and gulped the whole glass down before even thinking of asking anyone for the time.
The water brought the giddiness back, and Ausrine suddenly craved some space and brightness. They knew just the spot for that, right around where the piranha fish were, was usually a space reserved for party goers that wanted to move at a different pace. They were delighted when they finally found the room, and were even more happy to see that the tropical fish tank had been bigger than what they’d remembered. Humming softly a slow jazz tune, Aušrinė entered the room which felt distinctly empty compared to the modern rituals and orgies just a couple halls away, but they immediately noticed the person standing in front of the eastern wall tank, seemingly watching the shoal of piranhas with a keen interest. There was no doubt she was an immortal, and one whose presence Aušrinė could almost recognise, but not remember. They also did not expect to be spoken to at that moment.
Despite the lack of attention they were paying to the voices that rose and fell around them, Ausrine made out the words spoken wryly by the goddess in front of them by the tank. Yea indeed, it really is, quite some place. They rehearsed the words a few times in their mind before they heard the voice again.
“Hmm?” they blurted out, in a rather subdued sigh and then withdrew themselves slightly to standing face to face with the other guest. “Oh— uhh…” they slurred, retracting their voice as they realised they’ve vocalised in a way they did not intend.
“A game of chess?” they said in a tone of genuine interest, carrying with it the usual brightness and soft warmth of the singer’s voice though they couldn’t help but also tilt their head slightly in a damningly intoxicated manner. “That’s very interesting… first time I’ve heard that… hehe… You must be quite the formidable queen aren’t you?” They had no idea what they were saying though they giggled just as they usually did except that it was followed by a burdened smile rather than an enthused one. They were at once experiencing an intense desire to open up and unload on someone and an equally furious determination to not loosen their tongue so easily when they felt so deeply aware that there may currently be a god-killer lurking among them. “Very well, lets say I’m interest— woah–”
As they attempted to lean on the fish tank, they misjudged the distance between their arm and the glass and tripped over themselves.
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