Gushing Over Fictional Stories

[lavenderprose]

I know we joke about it all the time but hotel room walls are...GENUINELY very thin. The bit in the HR novel where Shane and Ilya fuck in the shower so that the water drowns out the sounds actually rang as extremely accurate to me. Like, the lack of boundaries that must exist not just for the Centaurs but for ANYBODY who spends a significant amount of time sharing hotel room walls with their teammates is just unbelievable.

Like, on any given roadie the people sharing walls with the Hollanovs can expect to overhear:

- One side of phone calls between Shane and his mother where every third word is FUCK and Shane's voice gets higher the more he works himself up about whatever league drama is pissing him off that week

- Ilya yelling in Russian (Non sex reasons) (He and Svetlana are talking about Matheson in Colorado. Again.)

- Ilya gets hay fever real bad in Seattle and spends an entire night sneezing at EAR SPLITTING volume, each sneeze followed by a, "AHH!" from Shane as he is startled awake. Again.

- The Christmas wish lists of every Pike child and how they're going to be divvy'd up for the year. This conversation takes place in September.

- "I'm telling you, the penalty kill could be a work of fucking art if Haas--oh fuck, right there, don't stop--"

- As stated before, an objectively obnoxious amount of showering is happening. At one point LaPointe turns to Bood and says something to the effect of, "Crazy that Hollander takes TWO showers after every game, I guess he really is superstitious," and Bood just. Chooses not to engage.

- A thunderous and almighty BANG. This is the sound of Ilya's suitcase hitting the floor after it inevitably slides off the bed.

- "Shaaaaane, look at the livestream from the dog hotel--look at how cute! She is so sleepy, she's holding her banana like a baaaaby--"

- Vin Diesel's voice, unimaginably loud, at one AM

- Russian Yelling (Non sex reasons) (Sasha did something stupid)

- "Unh unh unh UNH UNH UNH--" (Squeak. Squeak.)

- Celtics game. Twenty minutes beforehand: "Fuck, Shane, how do I get ESPN on the stupid--Roku stick thing--"

- "Okay, look, your dad played the word veer--is not real word, right? Like, deer with a V? It's real? Shane, we can't let your dad win--no, it's not cheating, he gets Yuna's help--"

- Stuff about Rose Landry's upcoming film that they should probably all sign NDAs for even thinking about.

- Russian Yelling (Sex reasons. Probably. It sounds...ardent.)

- One time, for an entire night, silence. The day immediately preceeding this night and the morning immediately after are best left unspoken about.

- The sound of Shane's fuckass electric toothbrush for WAY too long. Seriously man it cannot be healthy to brush your teeth for that lo--oh. Got it. Okay. Where are my earbuds.

- "I mean, it's not like I'm sixteen anymore, right? It's just that sometimes I think she looks at me and sees a fucking kid still, and I get it, I get it--and fuck, babe, I know it's not fair to feel this way, she's the only mom I'll ever have, and you don't even--ugh--"

- "I'm so terribly sorry the hotel misplaced your bags, Mister Rozanov. If there's any way that we can...make it up to you..." [Giggle. Kissing sound. Kissing sound. Moan.]

- Banging on the wall and, "KEEP IT DOWN, ROOK," the one. Singular. Time. That Holmberg manages to pull on their West Coast roadie. Which may or may not be the beginning of his villain origin story.

[totearup]

After the wedding (and all of Ilya’s citizenship paperwork is secure so that a name change won't fuck everything up) their legal names are Hollander-Rozanov but they keep them the same for hockey to avoid confusion.

However, Ilya starts this bit where whenever someone at practice or at an event calls for Hollander he acts like he thought they were calling for him, usually saying something like "you said Hollander! I am a Hollander!" And it's so stupid but Shane is charmed and amused every time, and he starts doing the same thing when people say Rozanov.

Eventually the team just starts using their numbers to refer to them, and Ilya follows one time when Wiebe calls for "24" because "I am a 24 by marriage!" And the whole team groans at them and someone throws a ball of tape at Ilya's head.

[protocolmemaybe]

Celia: Sorry I’m late!

Norris: D i d y o u s e e a n y g o o d c o w s

[james-spooky]

ok so i’m picking up implications here 😀😀😀😀 is he 😀😀😀 at the 😀😀😀 is that a 😀😀😀

[blazingstar24]

Lowkey funny af of W to invite Robert over for dinner, turn himself into an unimaginable horror in front of him and then haunt him for the rest of his life.

Like hey man why did you do that? Really pulled the killing myself in front of you changing the trajectory of your life forever bit on him.

[james-spooky]

my nervous system is not strong enough for this

[protocolmemaybe]

[burymecherry]

okay more on fat baby “bear cub” shane i’m absolutely crying thinking about baby shane being absolutely baffled that yuna and david always find his pocket berries!!! he hides them so well does he not?!? when they ask him to his face if he has stuff in his pockets he says no!! he shakes his little head!!! he makes sure to only sneak them in his mouth when they aren’t looking!! (he does not realize there are berry stains leaking through his pants)

[honeyybrii]

shane effortlessly defying ilya's internal self deprecation with the most blunt, heartstopping, to the point sincerity is such an important part of their dynamic to me

"but you know me, i'm lazy, so." "i don't know that side of you at all."

"is that what we are going to do? relax?" "i hope so. i would like to relax with you. for once."

"because you like to be bad." "hey, that's not what this is. you and me. maybe it was at first but, not now, and not for a long time."

to the point where it even usurps other peoples interpretations of ilya before he gets the chance to internalize them -

"but, you hate him." "no. i mean, i get that. but no. i love him."

and ilya has that exact same subtly gobsmacked expression every time he does it

[dumbass-writer]

“I stand with my cancelled wife” and it’s Shane Hollander talking about ilya being cancelled on twitter every 2-3 business days

[thisisfakesports]

Someone on Twitter pointed out that all the Boston Raiders players in the show 'Heated Rivalry' are OLD (obviously b/c that is the age of the hockey extras they scrounged up), and I know they aren't in the books, but I do love the idea of Ilya being Boston's problematic baby, literal enfant terrible. The jokes about him looking like a cherub and then acting Like That, always smelling like a cig, constantly running his mouth even when his English is shit, whiny And mean And charming, the little fuck! These old men love their mean baby captain!

[kingskindly]

A compilation of inherently BOY things I think Ilya does during his first time at the cottage that fundamentally ruin his cool-guy image for Shane in the most endearing way possible:

- Ilya’s first sunburn, which is Very Bad. His are all cheeks all flushed and he’s walking funny and hissing through his teeth as he pushes on the reddened skin as it turns yellow. He yelps any time Shane tries to touch it, which is all the time because it’s funny and also because he likes touching Ilya.

- Shane catches a little sunfish off the end of the dock and puts it in a bucket full of water and Ilya sits in a Slavic squat in front of that bucket for hours on the dock watching the fish swim around. He’s sticking his hand in there to try and touch it and making embarrassing noises and jerking his hand away when he does manage to brush a finger along the scales. Until Shane tells him it needs to be released at some point and then Ilya is insisting on being the one to do it.

- Utterly failing at water skiing, with Shane trying to give tips while David drives the boat. Full on face of water, sputtering eating-shit so many times but insisting on going again, because Shane can do it so Ilya will do it too.

- Not tying up his shorts tight enough the first time David takes them tubing (despite his calm demeanour, once David has a tube behind his boat he drives like a maniac) and Ilya almost loses his shorts, white booty out. Shane can’t help but smack his ass and cackle as Ilya tries desperately to hold onto the tube handle with one hand and his shorts (that are around his knees) with the other while they continue to fly across the water.

- Ilya trying to dive off the dock in a life jacket because Shane told him it was impossible and now of course he has to try.

- Ilya in a life jacket in general.

- Ilya with a mosquito bite. Itching itching itching while Shane slaps at his hands and tells him to stop. It’s gets all red and raised bump, and Ilya’s kind of self conscious but he still can’t stop scratching and cursing mosquitos as he does. But then Shane’s pressing a careful thumbnail into an X over the bite and Ilya’s fascinated by another way he can be close to Shane.

- Ilya on the dock, on his stomach watching a spider eat a bug in its web for an undetermined amount of time. He’s narrating for Shane with a slightly disgusted but fascinated tinge to his voice who is suntanning beside him, sunglasses on.

- Ilya in the marsh trying to catch a frog after David explains how Shane used to do it all the time. He’s finally got one, calling Shane’s name with so much excitement and a frog cupped between his hands. Of course it’s the largest fugliest frog in the marsh so then they’re both crouched down, staring into Ilya cupped palms arguing about whether or not the frog is cute (Ilya says it is, Shane says it’s ugly)

- Ilya with a leech from the marsh stuck onto his ankle. He’s actually Losing His Shit about this one. freaky, disgusting, Canadian blood sucker. Why the fuck would they even have these things in the lake. Shane has to pull it off. Obviously he lets Ilya chase him around the property throwing his ankle towards Shane screaming “get it off, Shane! Get it off!” before he has Ilya sit on a sun chair and performs leech surgery on his ankle while Ilya whimpers (non-sexily).

Sincerely, someone who grew up with a Canadian family cottage.

[darlingofdots]

people who definitely know that Hollander and/or Rozanov have A Thing With A Man (of variably certain identity):

various dentists

hotel housekeeping staff

the kid who works late shifts at the drugstore where Ilya buys condoms (often) and lube (less often)

cleaners and laundry service employees

a kid on vacation with his parents in Vegas bored out of his mind because he's 14 and not allowed in the bars or casinos at their hotel and he's really hitting the grumpy teenager phase so he's pissed at his parents because he wanted to go birdwatching in the desert and instead he's on the hotel roof at night pointing his sick-ass binoculars (which he bought himself with money he earned by mowing their neighbours' lawns for a year) at the surrounding buildings and oh look there's two people making out on that rooftop terrace—wait, isn't that the guy from the Rolex ads?

Janice at the grocery store closest to the Hollander cottages who knows damn well that "David's boy" doesn't eat Nutella

the Voyageurs' nutritionist knows Hollander is fucking someone working for the Bears because he might not log it as sex but even Hollander doesn't actually do extra cardio after a game

employee at an airport phone repair kiosk in Chicago who was checking Ilya’s battery specs when "Jane" texted him "If I win you suck my dick first"

one of the parents at Game Changers Hockey Camp who is a couple's counsellor and a bit too good at her job

Gerry (78) three doors down from the Hollanders who has lived in his house since he was born and has made it his solemn duty to know everything that goes on in his neighbourhood

the owner of the bespoke jeweller's shop once Shane Hollander purchases the second ring, which is identical to the first, and a plain gold chain

the apprentice of the bespoke jeweller's shop a week before that when he recognises the ring he watched his boss make for Shane Hollander sitting on Ilya Rozanov's bare chest in a post-game interview on TV

[penandinkprincess]

laughing about the idea of post-cottage ilya reflexively sending a "your mom" joke, remembering who shane's mom is, and then going "wait no"

but now it's too late and shane has flipped the power dynamic in this joke

"I'm going to tell her you said that" "do NOT" "I'm screenshotting it and sending it to her right now" "NO"

[giveemhales]

Ik Shane is canonically Cosmo’s hottest man in the league and in fanon he is widely agreed to be the most attractive player by other players and fans alike. But I think Shane loses his mind a little bit over this. Like he’s by no means insecure about his looks and knows he’s attractive. But he is baffled that Ilya is not viewed as the most attractive player. He is happy to use it as chirping material against Ilya but the longer it goes on, the more ?????? he becomes.

Like this is a man who Shane gets hard from just looking at him showering or playing hockey or existing. He’s like okay so we have a Greek statue come to life and we are going to pretend he isn’t the hottest man alive. Okay. Am I being pranked? Is this a joke? Have you seen his ass? What is wrong with you people?!

I think once they are out and married, and Shane is once again voted hottest man in the league (or specifically hotter than Ilya), he crashes out about it online. He’s saying the vote was rigged and he’s telling people (who are complimenting him) to delete their account. He’s replying to his most vocal supporters, “but have you considered this” with the gif of ilya winking. He’s calling for a recount. And everyone is like wait… is Shane Hollander, most competitive man alive, mad that he won something?

Little do they know that he is competing with Ilya for who has the sexiest husband and the world is sabotaging him for some reason wtf

[snowsmoked]

Ilya never gets dementia. He worries about it, with his genetic predisposition and his frequent head injuries. But he never gets it.

His brother does.

His brother calls him, forgetting that Ilya went no-contact with him. Ilya's silent on the phone, listening to Alexei's wife softly explain it to him and take the phone.

He texts Ilya, asking when where he is. Asking who he's playing next game.

Ilya's been retired for over 20 years.

He knows Shane wants to say something, but he never does. He's just quietly supportive.

One day, it's Alexei's wife that calls him. She apologizes for calling. She tells him Alexei doesn't remember her anymore. Or their daughter. He only asks about Ilya and their parents. She offers to delete Ilya's number from his phone.

Ilya declines.

After that, he starts answering the phone. And talking.

Alexei asks where he is. Ilya tells him he's coming home soon. That seems to make Alexei happy.

Alexei asks who Ilya is playing. Ilya says Montreal. Alexei tells him to win or papa will be angry.

Alexei tells him mama made him soup. Ilya tells him that was his daughter. Alexei laughs, he doesn't have a daughter.

He doesn't remember how cruel he was to Ilya. He doesn't remember how much he loved drugs and drinking.

He was so much like Ilya's Alexei, before he started taking after their father. Before he let his anger at their mother consume him. Before he caught Ilya and Sasha and allowed his fear for his little brother to turn into anger and disgust.

One day Ilya offers his wife, Natalia, to have them visit. Their daughter has visited more than once, even stayed with them for a summer after high school. His and Shane's kids tried to teach her hockey.

Natalia regretfully tells him Alexei is not well enough to travel.

Ilya can't travel to them, not while he's married to Shane.

But their phone calls are enough.

About once a week, he gets to speak to a version of his brother than he had dearly missed. He gets to talk about his mama like she's still live, not dead for over 50 years. He gets to talk about the rink he and Alexei used to play hockey at. To talk about the stray cat he and Alexei once hid in their bedroom for a week.

He finds himself looking forward to the phone calls.

And dearly missing when they end.

[hr-rep]

Ilya’s next seduction attempt if the shower up-down hadn’t worked