Azzz

[bimyselfblackandblue]

The batkids as demigods au. Except Bruce is the other biological parent to ALL of them. Yes sir he gave them birth. Yes even Steph and Duke.

Batdad has decided that the gods are not allowed to interfere in his kids life decisions cuz they left them. Batdad won't let anyone take his kids away. (The gods are ok with it cuz most of them kids are heroes and bring them glory). They also time to time showers Bruce with little gifts.

Who would be the godly parent of each batkid?

[azzzsleep]

Pleasee give me a fic

[robs-your-robins]

I want to be in the mind of journalists and tabloids in Gotham when the Bruce Wayne, billionaire and playboy, starts walking around with a kid.

Rumour has it that Mr Wayne adopted the boy after an accident killed his parents but that sounds a little off doesn’t it? But the kid, well he does look like him a little, the mother was Romani some sources say or an American living in Europe. Who travelled extensively around Europe? Why, Mr Wayne. Nobody is brave enough to actually question the parentage of this boy, Wayne is extremely private and he fucking knows a lot of people in the publishing industry. They aren’t going to come for him without actual irrefutable evidence.

However, when he appears with a second boy who is literally his spitting image, the tabloids are convinced that there is no doubt now, Bruce Wayne has two illegitimate children. They can’t print that, of course, without actual evidence. So begins a serious of instense covert missions to snag something to test but the Waynes are so fucking clever or paranoid, that there is never even a chance of grabbing something like that.

With the first two of his “adopted” son moves out and the tragic death of his second son (what the hell happened there?), the tabloids back off the story. Then, Bruce Wayne adopts Tim Drake? The son of the Drake family who live literally down the road. Tim has never really taken after his dad in looks so journalists start wondering whether Janet Drake had an affair with young billionaire Bruce Wayne and Tim is really his biological son. It makes sense because why would Bruce Wayne adopt a kid that has an entire estate to support his needs?

The journalists are going feral when Cassandra Cain is spotted at the Manor and of course, they publish snaps of Bruce hugging her or walking around the grounds. Bruce, not appreciating some inferences, releases a statement that Cass is his adopted daughter and denounces all spectulation.

By the time Damian Wayne appears, the literal image of young Bruce Wayne, the tabloids are completely convinced that Bruce Wayne has five children from extramarital affairs and just as they are about to publish an indepth scoop on the whole thing, somebody fucking snaps a picture of Red Hood without his signature helmet. For a second, they think holy fuck that’s Bruce but wait, don’t they literally have footage of him standing at some charity function giving a keynote speech?

They come to the conclusion that Bruce Wayne, notorious billionaire playboy, is father to six illegitimate children and one of them is the fricking crime lord Red Hood.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 71 (masterpost here)

Dick: wait so- things i think you'd be good at?

Tim: all of us. like- i have a theory that Damian would be really good at making topiary animals. i don't know why, i just think he'd smash it.

Dick: oh i get it. i actually- yeah, i could see that with Damian. he's got the steady hands and the artistic talent. i have a- ok, so i have one,

Tim: go.

Dick: i've always had the strong belief that if we were to get Bruce into origami, he'd be a fuckin' paper fiend within a month.

Tim: *wheeze*

Dick: like- do you know what i mean? we'd go down to the Batcave and he'd be mindlessly churning out swans 'n octopus' n shit out of paper while trying to figure out a case.

Tim: *still snickering* i like that. i could see that. like some people knit while they watch TV?

Dick: yeah that's his version of that. i also- for you, i also feel like you would be good at ballroom dancing.

Tim, eager: oh i can actually answer that one,

Dick: yeah?

Tim: yup. *sing-song* answer's no,

Dick: *laughing*

Tim, amused: yeah- yeah my mom also had that belief when i was a kid, and she signed me up for lessons. and let me tell you? *matter of fact* used to get on my instructors last nerve~.

Dick: *gleeful* were you really that bad?

Tim: yeah, that man did not like teaching me. i just kept asking to go to the bathroom and then locking myself in for the entire lesson to look after my nintendogs.

*connecting ping*

Damian: Grayson, Father let me finish early; i'm on my way to you.

Dick: oh sick. hey, Dames, you got any headcanons about skills you think me or Tim would be good at if we tried?

Damian: headcanons? about you two?

Dick: yeah, you know... like, personal ideas or-

Damian: i know what a headcanon is. of course i don't.

Tim: aw, c'mon, not one?

Damian: i hate to break it to you, but you two aren't that interesting to think about. i rarely examine my opinions on anything to do with you unless it is directly relevant to my current life.

*a beat*

Dick: alright, ow, kinda offensive considering i invited you up to Bludhaven for the weekend?

Damian, dryly: yeah, cry about it. that will definitely make you more interesting.

Tim: what the fuck- ok fuck you, and fuck this. what about Jason, do we have any about Jason? i feel like he's the sort of person that would be really good at snowboarding but really shit at skiing.

Dick: oh, honestly? ok i do have one that i've been thinking for a while now actually,

Tim: *prompting hum*

Dick: i've always thought that Jason would be fucking incredible as a Dungeons and Dragons DM.

Tim, curious: ooooooh,

Dick: right? like- he's always been a good storyteller, and as meathead-y as he is he can kinda be a bit of a fantasy nerd. i've always thought that if i could convince him to try a campaign with me then it would be one of the greatest moments of my life.

Tim: fuck, no that's genius. i kinda want this now, do you think we could convince him?

Dick: i've been trying for years, he says he doesn't like DnD.

Damian, bored: he's lying, he plays Dungeons and Dragons all the time.

Dick: ...what?

Damian: yeah. he'd DM for me and some of his friends back in the league every now and then. i had no access to video games and Mother disapproved of other board games, so Jason would cover the DnD textbooks with mathematic book covers, and if anybody walked in on us playing we could just shut our notebooks and claim to be doing math exercises with some dice.

Dick, squeaking indignantly: he told me he had no idea how to play and couldn't be fucked to learn!

Damian, still bored: yeah he's lying because he thinks if any of you were to get involved with one of his campaigns you would be 'insufferable' to play with.

Tim: wait wait wait- so Damian, you grew up as a DnD nerd??!

Damian: why did you think i was so gullible about magic and supernatural stuff back then? my only reference for anything outside of league life was fantasy worlds and spells. when Jason first showed me the All Blades he told me it was because he'd 'acquired a new spell slot'. what reason did i have not to believe him?

Tim: oh my god it all makes so much sense now... oh my god,

Dick: wait. Damian...do you... do you still play with him?

*a beat*

Damian: occasionally.

Dick: HE'S BEEN FUCKING DMING FOR YOU AND CUTTING ME OUT?!?!

Tim: i am so fucking offended right now. who the fuck is he playing with? it can't be just you two,

Damian: no, Thomas also plays. and some of his old league friends.

Dick: are you fucking- he lets Duke play and not us?!?!

Damian: Thomas keeps trying to kill the important NPC's though, so getting through the campaign is slow going.

Dick: i am going to lose my mind-

Damian: Jason says it's a good activity for brothers.

Tim, offended: ok-

Dick: *screams*

[azzzsleep]

That time when you are brushing your teeth but also need to pee so you do that and go on the loo thinking that its gonna be a fast and easy business but then you start to go n°2 and fuck the toothpaste is starting to burn and fuck you can't move from here because...you are bussy so you just gotta suffer.

Anyone ?

[bearcosmic]

Steph: Ready when you are Boy Wonder

Clark and Bruce walk into the Batcave to discuss a JL investigation to find Kon in a containment cell, Jason, Dick, Tim, and Damian sitting crisscross on the floor besides him, while Stephanie stands at the entrance with a lead box in hand.

Clark: is that? kryptonite? What’s going on here?

Kon (in Tim’s body): Wassup bro

Bruce: bro?

Dick: Tim and Kon got their bodies switched by a magician

Clark: Should we call—

Damian: We aren’t imbeciles Clark. We’ve already contacted the wizards. The spell will expire in a day or two.

Bruce: Good work.

Clark: So? What are you guys doing?

Jason: We’ve had a bet going that kryptonians have weak pain tolerance and that’s why green kryptonite affects you guys so badly. cause your wusses.

Superman: So your.. gonna torture Tim to find out?

Stephanie: Not torture. Experiment.

Dick: We are trying to figure out where kryptonite exposure feels like on a scale of 1-10

Cass: Face Punch to waterboarding

Clark: ..

Dick: I have money on it being a solid 7

Jason: Tim and I put money on 5.

Clark: This is ridiculous. Tim get out of there. Stephanie bring me the Kryptonite.

Tim (in kons body): Nah this is completely consensual don’t worry, we have a safe word and everything. I’ve been waiting for a chance like this forever. No way am I gonna miss out.

Clark: Bruce, do something

Bruce: ..

Dick: *laughing* You forget who made us this way

Stephanie enters the containment cell and opens the box. Tim(in Kons body) stiffens for a moment, then takes a deep breath. He stands up and gets closer and closer to Stephanie, his breath getting a tiny bit more ragged as he eventually reaches over to close the box.

Jason: Well?

Tim: The pain is proportionate to its proximity. Initial exposure felt like a 4–broken ribs but steadily increased to a 6— full body electrocution as I grew closer. Nausea and a headache are also present symptoms.

Damian: Hmm. The effects have been greatly exaggerated. I assumed it would have felt like being set aflame.

Kon: In my defense, i’m technically only 4 years old.

Tim: We could probably work on you guys’ pain tolerance a bit with a red sun lamp to get you more accustomed to discomfort

Bruce, squinting at Clark: Hmm

Clark: I’m going home

[azzzsleep]

[azzzsleep]

I did my own bangs today, and tomorrow i literally have school so i REALLY hope it turns good.

[robs-your-robins]

I was thinking about the rogues and the Robins once again and I was thinking about how Bane views each of the Robins and...

Dick: *beaming*

Bane: Batman, is this... Is this even allowed?

Jason: *waves nervously*

Bane: Batman, this one is even smaller. This must be illegal. Are you alright, chiquito?

Tim: You're like really big.

Bane: Thank you?

Tim: No, like, you must be in a lot of pain. I mean, with the rapid muscle growth, that can't be comfortable. Are you OK?

Bane:

Bane: No, not really.

Stephanie: Is it like Botox?

Bane, grinding his teeth: No.

Stephanie: Steriods? It's Steriods. Yeah, that fits the vibe. I see you.

Bane: Didn't your parents ever teach you that it is rude to ask people about their medication?

Stephanie: Do your parents know you're a 'roid head? No, didn't fucking think so.

Bane: You are small.

Damian: I am the blood son of the Bat.

Bane: You are very small. And that sword is very large.

Damian: You may be large but your brain is small.

Bane:

Bane: I'm killing you, I'm snapping you like a twig. But first, Venom or no Venom, Batman, this child is going over my knee right here and now, you need to discipline these children, Batman.

[brucedefender4eva]

After Bruce pulls some strings and Jason is able to come back to life legally, Jason feels the overwhelming urge to go to college and get a degree with his name on it

So, with a few amazing written essays and Bruce taking care of the cost, he gets into an out-of-state college

It’s a sad affair, yes. And Bruce is shaking in his boots at the thought of Jason not being relatively safe within the borders of Gotham, but he’s gotten a lot better at letting his children spread their wings and fly without him

Bruce sends him off with a teary smile and a kiss on the forehead, playfully ordering Jason to call him at least once a week

Jason is ecstatic in the first week of college, living like a normal adult and being on his own. He goes to bed whenever he wants without anyone nagging him, he's eating all the fast food he wants, he gets quiet time, and doesn't have to hear his siblings' noises. He's living the life. He should be happy

But he fucking misses his Dad. He misses Bruce so fucking much it’s killing him

He can’t do video calls with Bruce because he starts getting teary, and he knows it’ll only be a few seconds till he bursts out in tears. He's calling Bruce at least three times a week while pretending that Bruce is the one bothering him

Clingy baby Jason, who misses his Dad no matter what he says or how he acts. He’ll never admit it, but it’s literally so obvious to everyone. Well, except for Bruce.

“*Sob* Dickie I miss Dadddd!”

“Then call him instead of me, dipshit?”

“Nooooo!”

“I’m gonna text Bruce that you’re doing this.” Tim’s head pops up in the corner of Dick’s screen, a shit eating grin front and center

“You’re all so mean to me! I hate everything!”

[brucedefender4eva]

Martha: What’s your biggest dream, my dear?

Bruce: Hmm… that’s hard

Bruce: I wanna stay with you and Daddy and Alfie forever

Bruce: And I wanna stay friends with Ollie and Harley forever, too

Bruce: I wanna eat cookies and brownies and sweets as much as I want

Bruce: I wanna stay up late too

Bruce: and-

Martha, laughing softly and smoothing back his hair: Yes, yes, all wonderful things. But if you had to pick just one?

Bruce: …

Bruce: I think… I just wanna be happy

Martha: Oh… oh, how nice

Martha: And you will be happy, call it a mother’s intuition

Martha: Dad and I will be there every step of the way with you. I promise

Bruce: Yeah! We can all be happy together! Forever!

Martha: Forever and always, my love, forever

[robs-your-robins]

I've talked about the Robins and their relationship with Penguin, Poison Ivy and The Riddler. But I was also thinking about the relationship they have with Two Face and that really struck me because he is my favourite and the possibilities are just *chef kiss*.

Dick: My parents were murdered. Now, I live with Batman. I guess Batman is my dad now? I don’t know. I like living with him.

Two Face: So you’re adopted?

Dick: No. It’s called being a “ward” but I don’t know what that means.

Two Face, confused now: What did the lawyer say? At the hearing?

Dick: Oh, that Batman probably used a lot of money to make sure he got me. That he probably bribed the judge and everybody else involved. I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening, I was colouring.

Two Face: That’s… illegal, actually.

Dick: Colouring?

Two Face: No, sweetie. Now, do you remember what that lawyer and judge were called? I have to pay them a professional visit.

Jason: Fuck you, you killed my dad.

Two Face: What? Fuck, no I didn’t. He’s literally tied up over there. Wait? The Bat isn’t your real father?

Jason: Fuck you

Two Face: Did he at least adopt you? Properly? Because the last one-

Jason: Fuck you

Two Face: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, young man?

Jason: *attacks*

Two Face: So, let me get this straight. You’re working officially for Bats about six hours every day, not including work you do outside of designated hours while going to school?

Tim: About right?

Two Face: And you don’t get paid? What about time off?

Tim: *shrugs*

Two Face: *dialing Jim Gordon because this is the most flagrant abuse of child labour law he has ever seen in his career*

Steph: No, I’m not adopted. Or fostered. My parents don’t know I’m here.

Two Face: *dialing Jim Gordon*

Two Face: What the fuck are you?

Damian: The blood son of the Bat. All the while you are just a picture frame in my father’s desk drawer.

Two Face:

Two Face: Does… Batman still talk about me? Like he used to?

Damian: He has been known to gaze longingly at your photograph sometimes. It is quite moving. And disturbing, he should not be lusting over a criminal.

Two Face: Would you be willing to inform the Joker of this?

Damian: You will use it to disarm him through the threat of you as a romantic “Lenore” figure in my father’s mind whom he still holds a candle for? In an effort to dismantle his sanity further?

Two Face: Yes.

Damian: I can do that.

[writer0018]

Bruce heard a lot of things from other parents about how teenagers are. How they become rude, rebellious, how they don't want to talk to you at all, and how they don't want to be around.

So naturally, Bruce was prepared.

LIES, THEY WERE ALL LIES. THEY WERE LIARS.

Because-

Jason would not let him go for 5 hours, telling him all about the books and theories while holding his hand. This is Bruce's punishment because he forgot to give Jason his morning hug. Even as Red Hood, he still does it if Bruce forgets to text him after patrol.

Cassandra would follow him around like a shadow. She would be so silent that he wouldn't even notice her sometimes. Whenever he wakes up, she would be cuddled on his chest or his back.

Tim would be near him. As near as he physically can. He would talk about the cases and how his day went all while handing Bruce his coffee. He would talk until he fell asleep on Bruce's shoulder.

Dick, being the leader of Teen Titans, would be all professional (Bruce thought the parents were right) but as soon as they were alone, Dick would jump on him like the koala he is. Warping his arms and legs around Bruce and telling Bruce how much he missed him.

Damian, much like Cassandra, would follow him around everywhere. He would cling to Bruce's leg if Bruce is not paying him enough attention, which is unforgivable.

Duke, was no different despite just arriving, would play catch and chess with him. He would bring snacks so they could eat together while Duke talked about his day. He would clutch on to Bruce's sleeve at galas.

They all demanded that he read them bedtime stories. They are adults.

Bruce complains to Oliver about how the parents lied to him, and Oliver agrees with Bruce because Roy and Connor are the same. Barry joins in because Wally is the same too.

Where were the rebellious, arguments and not wanting to talk, they were told to be wary of?

Clark is confused about what is happening.

(The main reason Oliver and Bruce are offended is because they are introvert. They tried their best to be fathers and now the kids won't leave them alone. They love their kids, don't get them wrong but they want to be left alone.

Barry was so scared that Wally will not like him anymore)

[snakeredbirdbatkatana]

Bruce Wayne, who predominantly raised teenage boys and is still actively raising teenage boys.

Taught Dick how to shave.

Spent years dragging half asleep and begrudging children out of bed every morning for school.

Gave sex talks, feigned oblivion when sheets needed to be washed or when five minute showers become thirty.

Morning found his coffee being chugged by his third son. Jason eating bacon and eggs from his plate. Dick's head buried in the fridge.

Alfred's judgmental gaze when not a single boy found a shirt or pants as a requirement before coming downstairs. Content to lounge around in boxers.

"What the fuck is a bathrobe?"

"An article of clothing, on your floor Master Timothy."

"I didn't see it....?"

"No, that would require moving trash, and being able to see said floor."

"God this house is a nightmare-"

Bruce Wayne learned early, gremlins come late.

Between the hours of 12:00-3:00 am.

Will tell you everything, how school was, who they love, the worse things to happen to them.

What they need.

You can't be asleep.

Sometimes it's stupid, a Christmas present an annoying teacher.

Or it's the last step before making a decision.

Bruce after a long day pretending to relax in bed, waits.

Dick clad in Superman boxers appears.

"I think I'm depressed-"

He's wiped tears, changed plans.

"Bruce- can I tell you something?"

Accepted confessions with open arms.

Picked up drunk children.

Picked up the phone.

"Bruce-Dad...I fucked up."

Hunted his second oldest down, finding his baby bleeding out.

Patched up wounds, staying as long as Jason wanted.

Broken windows, crashed cars, blood and broken bones.

Tears, vomit.

He hasn't eaten hot food in years, hasn't slept through the night in even longer.

Bruce Wayne stares at three heads of black hair taken up his entire bed and knows he wouldn't change a single thing.

Well one thing.

"Damian, why are you on the floor?"

"Todd kicked me Baba!! I was asleep!"

"Jay- let your brother in the bed."

"Noooooooo."

"Father make-"

"Dad he-"

He's the luckiest man in the world.

Teenagers though definitely suck...

[robs-your-robins]

The Batfamily's current in-fueding has thrown off Gotham's delicate ecosystem.

A group pays a magic user to freaky Friday the entire batfamily.

Bruce (Steph): What the actual fuck?

Tim (Duke): Man, Bruce, stop yelling like that, only dogs can hear you.

Damian (Bruce): Language, Tim.

Tim (Duke): Damian, I get that you have had like seven concussions the last month but you can’t seriously mix me up with Tim, we don’t even look vaguely alike.

Dick (Tim): Holy shit

Damian (Bruce): hmmm, it seems we’ve been rearranged into different bodies

Cass (Jason): We? You sound exactly same little demon

Steph (Damian): *screaming*

Bruce (Steph): Stop messing up my hair!

Duke (Cass): Now, you see, that could have been Bruce or Steph.

Tim (Duke): I never actually noticed how alike they are when they are freaking out.

Dick (Tim): Hold on, I’m Dick, Duke is me, Damian is Steph, Steph is Bruce, Jason is Cass and Cass is actually in Duke’s body, B is Damian-

Cass (Jason): Wait? Who is me?

Jason (Dick): I am tall 🥹

[gellbs]

Bruce Wayne is breathtakingly beautiful.

His eyes are a piercing shade between grey and icy blue, his hair is so dark it seems to swallow all the light in the room, letting Bruce be the one to shine, his body is elegant, it seems delicate while also showing obvious strength.

Bruce Wayne is beautiful and that is a fact everyone knows.

Except for Bruce Wayne.

(greatest detective everyone)

When he enters the gala fashionably late, he thinks the reason everyone stops to stare is because, well, hes Bruce Wayne, the richest man on earth (probably the whole universe), so of course they would stare. He is rich and famous.

(He would never expect the real reason to be that the gala guests are staring is because the moment he entered time seemed to slow and the sir around him began to glimmer)

While training in the Watchtower's training room with the others Bruce, after a long time, decides hes comfortable enough to spar without the cowl. So he takes it off.

Suddenly none of his sparring partners seem to be able to focus.

Bruce guesses its because this is due to him never sparring with them without his cowl, so this would be slightly shocking. Especially when underneath the cowl is multi billionaire Bruce Wayne whos usually all smiles and giggles.

(The league is convinved Bruce is some kind of meta or cryptid with the power of seduction which he uses to distract his opponents, because no one is that beautiful for no reason)

When Bruce Wayne wins "the most handsome man of the year" award again, for like the 4th time in a row, he pays no mind to it. Being the multi billionaire he is, he just guesses they're trying to suck up to him and tosses the magazine away.

(Alfred doesn't bother to correct the misunderstanding, instead he goes back to Bruce's study and tosses away all the marriage proposals.)

When Bruce takes in Dick Grayson as his ward, he doesn't really expect anything...like this. Dick holds up a story book at him, the eight year old smiling brightly (God, Bruce is so happy to see Dick smiling again) while pointing at a unicorn on the page.

Its hair is dark like its man, which looks to be flowing in the air. The background is a dark forect, but the unicorn seems luminated.

Bruce just smiles and pats Dick on the head, while trying to think of places to get a dark haired, dark mained horse that could also possibly have a horn.

(Dick pouts and runs back to his room to continue to read his fantasy book. "Unicorns are pure hearted and powerful creatures with beauty that is out of this world" he reads, while thinking about his..dad? Dad.)

Superman is no exception to this "power" of his.

Clark and Bruce have recently began dating after years of will they won't they. They're sitting on the edge of a roof, staring at the city ahead. Bruce is distracted, staring at Gotham with a hawk like eye, trying to see if there are any criminals out and about

"-really beautiful" Bruce blinks, turning to look at Clark, all smiles in his bright blue and red suit. Bruce feels his body relax as a small smile spreads on his lips. He turns his head back towards the dark city "Yeah, Gotham is very beautifu-"

"No!" Clark interrupts him and Bruce's eyes snap in..shock? towards him. "I mean..No, yes! Yes! Gotham is very beautiful, but uhh...I was...talkingaboutyou.." He mumbles the last part, and Bruce doesn't want to admit it but the constant wind blowing in his ear makes him unable to hear it.

"What?"

"I meant that you're really beautiful, like...super beautiful..."

"Oh"

Bruce feels a warm blush spread on his own cheeks as he drops his gaze back to the city ahead.

(Later Bruce will look at himself in the mirror, trying to see what what Clark sees)

[azzzsleep]

My druggg

[robs-your-robins]

Bruce Wayne is not to be harmed in Gotham. It's not pretty privilege, the guy tries to be better than the other upper echelons, to help Gotham and to be honest, he seems a little too pure for this world. The rogues try to work around him because he always gets in the way.

Scarecrow: *enters a gala*

Bruce: Dr Crane, I didn't know you were coming to this 😊.

Scarecrow: Bruce, is that Selina Kyle over there? Is she your date?

Bruce:

Scarecrow: Bruce, we spoke about this. You need to work on yourself before committing to any sort of relationship. If I don't get thrown into Arkham, I'm free next Tuesday at 11. I'll have Bernice call you.

Bruce: Thanks, doc ☺️

Poison Ivy: I'm going to engulf this city in the green, Mother Earth will have her fill today.

Bruce: *waving at Ivy from the window of his office at Wayne Enterprises, grinning and pointing to his recyclable hemp tote*

Poison Ivy: Wayne Enterprises will be spared because of its conservation work.

Penguin: *sat in the club with Bruce Waynes' head on his lap after passing out at the Iceberg Lounge*

Bruce: Hi, Mr Freeze?

Mr Freeze: Uh, yeah

Bruce: I know you got something going on here and I love that for you but could I, like, bring the kids down? My youngest has never been skating before.

Mr Freeze:

Mr Freeze: My Nora loves to skate. You know what, if Batman doesn't show up, knock yourself out.

Joker: *striding down the street about to cause shennigans*

Bruce: *just walking past him while everybody is running and screaming*

Joker, who knows full fucking well that he's Batman but he respects Bruce's effort for the bit: *tips imaginary hat*

Bruce, wandering into a hostage situation in the court house: I'm here to pay bail for one of my kids, does anyone know which desk I should go to?

Two Face: Desk Seven, Bruce. It's always Desk 7. We go through this very goddamn time.

Bruce: Are you mad at me, Harvey 🥺? Did I interrupt something?

Two Face, holding gun to a judge's head: No, Bruce. Not at all. Just been a rough day. Why don't you just run along? Give the kids my love, yes? Let him through, boys.

Bruce: 😊

[jackandjanetdefender]

Accidentally negligent Drakes where they straight up forget they have a kid, but Tim also forgot he had actual parents as well so everytime they're home they just stare at each other like 🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏼‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️

The faces of Latchkey Kid and his Absent Parents when they remember they are in fact part of a family unit.

Tim: so, uh, how was.... Prague?

Janet: Peru, actually. I trust your .... school? Is going well?

Jack: Jan, it's July. He doesn't have--you don't have school now, right?

Tim *in summer school*: ummm no?

Jack: okay, good.

Tim:

Janet:

Jack: so, do we get dinner together or--

Tim: I can pretend to be the dog sitter if you pay me to go away and not interact with you.

Janet: I can also pretend to be the dogsitter.

Jack: ethically, I probably shouldn't say yes to this plan but it is very tempting.

They spend the next two weeks awkwardly making small talk and googling How to Family

[chaoticbatfam]

the idea that Tim is as clueless regarding son-ing as Bruce is regarding parenting really explains a lot about every single one of their interactions