A neural network invents diseases you don’t want to get
Science fiction writers and producers of TV medical dramas: have you ever needed to invent a serious-sounding disease whose symptoms, progression, and cure you can utterly control? Artificial intelligence can help!
Blog reader Kate very kindly compiled a list of 3,765 common names for conditions from this site, and I gave them to an open-source machine learning algorithm called a recursive neural network, which learns to imitate its training data. Given enough examples of real-world diseases, a neural network should be able to invent enough plausible-sounding syndromes to satisfy any hypochondriac.
Early on in the training, the neural network was producing what were identifiably diseases, but probably wouldn’t fly in a medical drama. “I’m so sorry. You have… poison poison tishues.”
Much Esophageal Eneetems Vomania Poisonicteria Disease Eleumathromass Sexurasoma Ear Allergic Antibody Insect Sculs Poison Poison Tishues Complex Disease
As the training got going, the neural network began to learn to replicate more of the real diseases - lots of ventricular syndromes, for example. But the made-up diseases still weren’t too convincing, and maybe even didn’t sound like diseases at all. (Except for RIP Syndrome. I’d take that one seriously)
Seal Breath Tossy Blanter Cancer of Cancer Bull Cancer Spisease Lentford Foot Machosaver RIP Syndrome
The neural network eventually progressed to a stage where it was producing diseases of a few basic varieties :
First kind of disease: This isn’t really a disease. The neural network has just kind of named a body part, or a couple of really generic disease-y words. Pro writer tip: don’t use these in your medical drama.
Fevers Heading Disorder Rashimia Causes Wound Eye Cysts of the Biles Swollen Inflammation Ear Strained Lesions Sleepys Lower Right Abdomen Degeneration Disease Cancer of the Diabetes
Second kind of disease: This disease doesn’t exist, and sounds reasonably convincing to me, though it would probably have a different effect on someone with actual medical training.
Esophagia Pancreation Vertical Hemoglobin Fever Facial Agoricosis Verticular Pasocapheration Syndrome Agpentive Colon Strecting Dissection of the Breath Bacterial Fradular Syndrome Milk Tomosis Lemopherapathy Osteomaroxism Lower Veminary Hypertension Deficiency Palencervictivitis Asthodepic Fever Hurtical Electrochondropathy Loss Of Consufficiency Parpoxitis Metatoglasty Fumple Chronosis Omblex's Hemopheritis Mardial Denection Pemphadema Joint Pseudomalabia Gumpetic Surpical Escesion Pholocromagea Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear Asteophyterediomentricular Aneurysm
Third kind of disease: Sounds both highly implausible but also pretty darn serious. I’d definitely get that looked at.
Ear Poop Orgly Disease Cussitis Occult Finger Fallblading Ankle Bladders Fungle Pain Cold Gloating Twengies Leukopenia Loon Eye Catdullitis Black Bote Headache Excessive Woot Sweating Teenagerna Vain Syndrome Defentious Disorders Punglnormning Cell Conduction Hammon Expressive Foot Liver Bits Clob Sweating,Sweating,Excessive Balloblammus Metal Ringworm Eye Stools Hoot Injury Hoin and Sponster Teenager’s Diarey Eat Cancer Cancer of the Cancer Horse Stools Cold Glock Allergy Herpangitis Flautomen Teenagees Testicle Behavior Spleen Sink Eye Stots Floot Assection Wamble Submoration Super Syndrome Low Life Fish Poisoning Stumm Complication Cat Heat Ovarian Pancreas 8 Poop Cancer Of Hydrogen Bingplarin Disease Stress Firgers Causes of the ladder Exposure Hop D Treat Decease
Diseases of the fourth kind: These are the, um, reproductive-related diseases. And those that contain unprintable four-letter words. They usually sound ludicrous, and entirely uncomfortable, all at the same time. And I really don’t want to print them here. However! If you are in possession of a sense of humor and an email address, you can let me know here and I’ll send them to you.
