This Baby Don’t Cry

My mind is taken over by Ana. However, I am not giving up and trying to recover. It’s tough, but I have hope. Instagram: _N0thing_at_all_

[babicri]

So things are going well again :D

This guy and I and now official, it’s been going great. We’ve had our ups and downs, but it’s all good.

My eating disorder is not acting up. I just don’t care as much as I used to. I do still want to lose weight, but it’s not as bad now.

[babicri]

Some old photo art of mine. But anyway, I’ve been having major depressive episodes. It sucks, I just don’t know how to get out of all that. Also, falling back on bulimia. Hating that fact. Idk, I’m just trying my best not to lose it. I hope y’all are doing better than me.

[another-breakdown]

I hate painting

[babicri]

Another “I hate something” caption. I was so negative haha. I wonder if I’d be the same way now if I was in a situation I’d hate.

[another-breakdown]

I hate school.

[babicri]

My picture from another blog. This is quite an old one. Oh, and still true :D

[babicri]

Just wanted to add that there :DD it’s a “felt cute,might delete later” type😂😂😂

[babicri]

A poem I wrote to the guy I’m seeing. It wasn’t meant to be a poem, but it somehow came out that way :DD. I call it “The Judgy Face”. It’s the face he frequently makes and I just love it 🥰

[babicri]

Happy New Years! So things seem to be going much better. I’m out of the hospital, the holidays were great and I even found a new love interest. While my weight keeps fluctuating, I’m not that preoccupied with it as I was before. Maybe it’s the guy I’m seeing, he is indeed helping me a lot with my moods and negative thoughts. I feel really happy to have found him. His friends seem to like me too :D. Things are looking up and I hope it’s only gonna get better from here. Just remember: nothing lasts forever, and while it’s sad to think it counts for good things too, it’s important to remember that bad things end as well.

[babicri]

The situation is not very good. I’m losing weight rapidly. The nurses are really worried about me, but the worst part is that I’m happy about it. During this time I’ve lost 4.1kg (9lbs). And it’s only been 3 weeks. I am now underweight and that’s not good for my recovery. They say I should go to an inpatient, but my eating disorder is refusing the help. I’ve noticed I’ve been tired and every time I get up there’s that feeling of fainting, everything goes black for a few seconds. I’m starting to get scared of eating and have a major anxiety after I do eat. My ed is getting worse. And thanks to the hospital, instead of the b/p cycle, I’m restricting most of the time. Anyway, I hope y’all are doing better than me.

[babicri]

Today I’m having a great day. My friend visited me in the hospital. He’s like a brother to me and I really missed him. Overall I’m having a hypomania episode now, so feeling great since the weekend. So happy the depressive episode is gone for now :D. I’m scared it’ll come along anytime, but I’m just living here and now. My doctor said they’ll do a brain test on me. She said they’d do it on Monday. No test. Tuesday. Not test. Today. No test. WHEN? I’ll tell you all about it as soon as it’s done, but for now: I hope y’all are having a great day <3

[babicri]

Sooo... update: I’m in the hospital again. A mental hospital. Had a mental breakdown and after that my mom decided I needed to stay in this place for some time. Honestly, it’s way better than the last one I’ve been in.

I realise I still haven’t made a post about my suicide attempt, the reason I was in the hospital last time, but don’t worry, it’s coming.

As for now, diagnosis keeps piling on. Just found out I had bipolar II. It makes sense, but it’s weird.

As for my eating disorder, well... I’m losing weight again. I know I’m eating less than I should, but I didn’t expect to lose 3kg (6-7lbs) in just two weeks that I’ve been here. My doctor knows about my ED and she’s worried. She suggested I go to an inpatient, but i declined, I just don’t feel like my situation is bad enough...

[babicri]

Some sweet memories from the summer. It all seemed easier then. My eating disorder wasn’t acting up, my mind was clear. Hopefully, soon everything will be like it was then.

[babicri]

Through all the hardships this lil dumpling always had my back. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s my everything. Even at the saddest moments she makes me smile. Animals are truly amazing creatures. Their power is overwhelming. I am the happiest girl in the world purely because I have her. 💜💜💜

[babicri]

So today I have this meditation therapy. Trying everything I can to climb out of this deep hole I dug for myself. I didn’t mention everything that happened, but there was a suicide incident that happened. I ended up in a hospital and that wasn’t a fun experience at all. I will talk about this with more detail in another post, but for now I just want to spread some positivity and say how grateful I am that I survived. After being so close to death I really appreciate life more and I wish that anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts wouldn’t have to go through all that to realise it. If you are struggling, please reach out for help. There’s always gonna be someone willing to listen and support you.

[babicri]

Hello, loves. I know I’ve been away for a while. A lot has happened. Not gonna get into too much detail, but I’ve been trying to recover. Poorly, might I add. I’ve gained weight and I know it’s supposed to be a good thing, but obviously I’m not feeling that way. I’m trying to ignore the ed thoughts, but they keep haunting me. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to fall back into the toxic lifestyle, but my mind feels like it’s about to explode.

Anywho, I hope y’all are doing well and most importantly, I hope you can find the strength to see past the ed and recover. You are worth more than that. ❤️❤️

[skinny-coffins-deactivated20180]

just a reminder

i. do. not. promote. eating. disorders. of. any. kind. whatsoever.

if you are trying to recover, please, get the fuck away from my blog.

the reason i have this blog is for my own motivation.

seek help: 1-800-931-2237

[jug-eumx-deactivated20180621]

Reblogging this again just because I find it important

[babicri]

~900 more grams to my 2nd goal weight ✊🏻

[babicri]

I wish...

people would just not care about what I eat and about my weight. I wish I could just do what I do and nobody would get in my way. I wish that I wouldn't have to sit by a breakfast table and try to sneak food into secretly hidden plastic bags. I wish people wouldn't make me eat in front of them to make sure I eat. I wish they'd just let me be thin...