Cloudbank

A personal blog for shitposts and other things.

[iwilleatyourenglish]

so this might be the funniest text i've ever gotten about my partner

[iwilleatyourenglish]

[our-queer-experience]

[spaghettiwoman46]

Ugh they are always doing this

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

Little freaks

[0x1-deactivated20220826]

dick makes people mentally ill. dick havers, dick wannabes and dick lovers are all insane. it's like toxoplasmosis, you have compulsive need to defend and push and worship dicks all the time and spead your dick mania to everywhere you go.

this seems rational and grounded in empirical evidence

[afloweroutofstone]

#lost in a fugue of penis delerium

[crapscicle]

[hitmyvape]

Actually embarrassing I have to send this text to the work gc

[glozirina]

[bass-borot]

[officialmacgyver2-deactivated20]

Some ya’ll who are younger need to google Frank Serpico and read about his time in the NYPD and what the cops did to him and attempted to do to him up until the late 90′s. He literally had to go into hiding in Italy and Switzerland and multiple times people tried to kill him. He only came back to America after the mafia (who hated the NYPD a lot, obviously) said “you’re under our protection.”

[seriously-though-wtf]

Damn, NYPD is so bad, Mafia started protecting good cops

[helila]

Confessions of a Former Bastard Cop

I was a police officer for nearly ten years and I was a bastard. We all were.

[anobeko]

👆Really really good article by the way. Feels like a good piece to show to folks you know who are still on the fence about things like police or prison abolition. Plus the pseudonym the author uses is hysterical, and he's really quite a good writer.

[subsequentlysilly]

extremely good article, please read it. at the very least read the "how to be a bastard" section, it outlines a lot of the ways cops will try to trick you

[windblown-wanderlust]

[rascal-rose]

only 10 mins into ch 5 dark world and I think I understand what the opposite of 'I miss tenna' means

[fuskida]

Red Glass Goldfish Jar 清 (Qing Period)

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[json-derulo]

partner: “Hi, could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and carnitas?”

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

Repeat conversation again the next week. And the next. Same guy. If it’s a bit, no one is laughing, including the employee.

[json-derulo]

theories I’ve considered:

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

- the employee is a space alien who views humans as so similar to pigs that for us to eat them is tantamount to cannibalism

[json-derulo]

- the employee is the lead in a kdrama romance about a pampered, clueless chaebol heir who is sent by his father to work in the company’s restaurants for a year in order to prove he’s ready to take over as CEO. he’s dumb as rocks but they can’t fire him or even correct him that harshly due to the power gradient. partner is just a minor reoccurring character, and the interaction is kept the same from week to week to highlight the development of the relationship between the employee and his love interest with the cool earrings (even if the restaurant is literally a fully-branded Chipotle, that’s somehow still not enough product placement for me to believe this is a real kdrama)

[json-derulo]

After reviewing again with partner, evidently I forgot a detail that set this week’s carnitas denial dance apart from the others.

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

- the employee is stoned out of his mind at all times on a specific strain of weed that totally erases the concept of pork from his memory and awareness

[audhdspacewizard]

My dealer: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called “pork eraser” 😳 you’ll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude I swear I just saw some steak in the hotel pan

My buddy Phillip pacing: Chipotle upper management is lying to us

[gardenofdelete998]

pillows have stopped having a cold side some time ago

[diseases-for-center-control]

lethargic bat on your porch in the daytime? pet that beast!!!!

[funny-tik-toks]

[strawberry-crocodile]

a lot of scares get like a second of reaction before the "oh -_-" moment but dude legit spent a solid ten seconds ready to be killed by a dragon

[virgo-disaster]

This is made 10x better by the account name being “anxietycouple”

[zagreus]

tortured by the knowledge that mozart was a catboy

[zagreus]

[brucebocchi]

nyamadeus

[no-tengo-ojos]

Incredible things happening on tumblr

[fuckyeahchinesefashion]

OP: How to fold a flying pig. (cr简开JK)

(The name flying pig/feizhu飞猪 is inspired by Nezha’s mount the Wind-Fire Wheels. In the animated film, the Wind-Fire Wheels normally take the form of a flying pig.)

[narutwitter]

[draconym]

Last night I dreamed that I received a cease and desist letter in the mail from PETA because they felt I was glorifying animal abuse by using a riding crop in the bedroom