I bet you’re all sick of all these random text blocks I always post lol but I felt like this specific statement? thought? was something that i’ve wanted to share for a while but I kept telling myself that if I just pushed on I wouldn’t have to but ~obviously~ this is not the case. so I shall just lay it all out there with all my thoughts regarding this blog and more specifically, enmity.
this ended up being super long so I apologize in advance. i’ll put it under the cut for all of you.
to put it frankly, there is a specific reason as to why I haven’t written or posted enmity, or anything, in months. brotherhood/enmity used to be my proudest work and it was the thing I enjoyed posting the most, however with where the story is at right now I just have 0 inspiration for it (even though I have the entire story planned already) and i’m more than aware that 90% of people who visit my blog are only here for enmity. and that’s okay! but having so much pressure on me to provide this one story that I really can’t find the motivation for me to write, has turned into me literally getting anxiety whenever I come onto tumblr. i’m sure it’ll sound stupid to some of you but just thinking about enmity takes a toll on my mental health and I avoid it at all costs, which is a big reason as to why I haven’t posted it and have avoided this blog for so long.
in addition to that, i’ve still been writing here and there. I have things that of course I would love to post and share. but i’m sure at this point if I were to post something that wasn’t enmity, someone would reply or send an ask like “where’s enmity?” and I get it!!! it’s what makes my blog (somewhat lol) relevant and it’s what people love and I am so so so so so grateful for that. but even without me posting anything else, people have still sent messages and asks complaining about me not posting enmity (as well as really nice ones, dont worry I see you and I appreciate all the sweet words! <3), and I don’t want to take my time writing something that I love just to get feedback that asks about something that makes me hate this blog. so, that’s why I haven’t posted anything; because I know that someone will say something about it not being enmity, and it’d really hurt me after all the time i’ve spent dedicated to another piece of writing.
of course, with addition to the toll this takes on me, I have other things going on at home. I personally am not one to share things going on in my personal life on the internet, so i’m going to be somewhat vague, but this is my last semester of college so school is more important to me now than ever. i also now have three jobs to try and stay afloat with the cutbacks the pandemic has caused, and i’m getting kicked out of my apartment in a couple of months. it’s a lot going on and me getting stressed out over a blog isn’t something that I can really be doing right now.
so, now it really comes down to wtf am I gonna do with this blog. obviously i’ve been leaving it to sit for a while, hoping that once everything in my life settles down I can come back here because I really do love all of you and sharing my writing here with you. but still, every day someone finds brotherhood and enmity and starts to read, and even though I am SO grateful that people still somehow find this fic of mine and read and love it, I feel so so so horrible because they read for hours and then come to find out that I never finished it. I don’t want to lead people into dead ends anymore because I know the feeling of wanting to know the end of something and it sucks.
tl;dr - I can’t handle the pressure of writing enmity anymore. a lot of stuff is going on in my life and adding that on isn’t helping. but I know that it would suck to post things I write and have people be disappointed that it’s not enmity. furthermore, people are still finding enmity and I feel horrible that it’s not finished.
so, I really only have three options I can think of:
1. I delete this entire blog. this is what i’m leaning towards right now, because then everything gets erased and no one else has anymore expectations that I can’t live up to. people no longer will find enmity and be disappointed with the fact that it isn’t done. in my opinion this is the best option.
2. I keep the blog, but delete brotherhood and enmity. i’m sure this isn’t ideal either lol but the root of me avoiding this blog really is enmity. so, if it’s gone, maybe I could be just a tad bit more active here, or at least look forward to coming back once my life is more put together.
3. I keep doing what I’ve been doing and everyone just sits around and hopes that maybe i’ll come back? of course I want to come back and had every intention to do so, but with enmity up I can’t guarantee it, and I would still feel like shit knowing that people are waiting. so, personally this is my least favorite option because I feel like it gives you guys the short end of the stick, but technically it’s still an option.
i’m so sorry that this got so long, but this is a lot that i’ve been feeling for a long long time and I don’t want to keep everyone in the dark anymore. honestly I feel horrible for how far I allowed this to go. but I hope you all understand that there were never any bad intentions and again i’m so sorry for being annoying. I appreciate you guys so much for all the love i’ve gotten on this blog and the patience you’ve shown me. I love you all so so so so so much.