doin my darndest

😱

[hagiomoto]

7pm to 10pm on a weeknight is 30 minutes

[spokenitalics]

jurassic park but it's tiny elephants and nothing goes wrong 🥺

[cipheramnesia]

same score but played entirely on kazoos

[anais-ninja-bitch]

Dwarf elephant - Wikipedia

[fictionyoubelieve]

so happy that the notes are full of people pointing out that a tiny, bio-engineered elephant was literally how Hammond got investor money to start his park in the book

[brightlotusmoon]

*Jurassic Park score on kazoos intensifies*

[ruinedchildhood]

[spaghettioverdose-deactivated20]

Reblog to save a duck

[13faeinapenguinsuit]

Quack quack

[ijustgotherebro]

It’s getting to be that time of year where more people are going outside to parks and stuff so i thought it would a good idea to reblog this again

[theofficialvincenzo]

Once I was feeding some ducks from a bag of birdseed I brought with me, and this woman next to me looked so confused and asked what I was feeding them

When I said it was birdseed she just went “oh- can they actually eat that? Is that safe?”

I didnt know how to respond like, at all, so I just pointed at the duck and said “bird”

She then had a look on her face like a new groove was just forcibly carved in her brain and said softly “oh my fucking god”

[luckykittycolor]

[obfuscobble]

GET WRAPPED UP, KITTY! GET LOVED AND CHERISHED!

[cornistasiathecoblinking]

The eyes slowly closing as sleep takes them makes it

[vaspider]

The way it goes to one kid like HELLO? LOVE ME? and then the other. 😭

[ruinedchildhood]

[spaghettioverdose-deactivated20]

Reblog to save a duck

[13faeinapenguinsuit]

Quack quack

[ijustgotherebro]

It’s getting to be that time of year where more people are going outside to parks and stuff so i thought it would a good idea to reblog this again

[theofficialvincenzo]

Once I was feeding some ducks from a bag of birdseed I brought with me, and this woman next to me looked so confused and asked what I was feeding them

When I said it was birdseed she just went “oh- can they actually eat that? Is that safe?”

I didnt know how to respond like, at all, so I just pointed at the duck and said “bird”

She then had a look on her face like a new groove was just forcibly carved in her brain and said softly “oh my fucking god”

[happy74827]

“I watch movies for the plot”

The ✨plot✨:

[psychicpinenut]

the fall guy + tumblr text posts

[littlefireaidan]

Colt 🤝 Jean-Claude ​​​

[rylandsgrace]

Ryan Gosling as Colt Seavers

The Fall Guy (2024) dir. David Leitch

[kaity--did]

The problem with having a child with an attorney that has spoken to the child like an adult since birth is that she's 4 years old and she's negotiating the order in which we're going to complete tasks as a family to best suit her idea of an ideal day.

[kaity--did]

Penny: We go home, we play the mirror game, we have dessert, we play more games, we have fun deal?

Me: Okay well actually we're going to go home, have dinner, then dessert, then we can play your video game, then tubby then bed

Penny: Okay no tubby, games first, deal?

Me: This is not - what is happening right now?

Penny: Dada?

Dada: Arbitration?

Penny: DEALS!

[kaity--did]

Every single thing in our lives has become a negotiation and it is frankly ridiculous as it is hilarious.

Penny: I want to use bare foot when we go outside

Me: I didn't know we were going outside but you have to wear shoes girl

Penny: okay but what about I use bare foot's but at Penny's house? This deal?

Me: you know what yeah fine if you agree to not fight about shoes when we leave the house you can be barefoot in the back yard, deal.

Penny: -sticks her hand out expectantly- we deal?

I think I just made a verbal contract with a 4 year old.

[kaity--did]

She's attempting to establish evidence I think

Penny: but I want to go shool pwease

Dada: okay well it is 8pm, so you have to go to sleep now

Penny: okay but I see my fwiends at shool now please, deal?

Dada: Darling no one is at school, all your friends are asleep as well.

Penny: all Penny's fwiends are sweep? What about we... get in Dadas car and check to see watch them sweep, yes deal?

Dada: I cannot begin to explain to you why that can not happen

[kaity--did]

The great thing about being beholden to Penny the Deals Warlock is that she is also beholden to the art of the deal

Me: (watching Penny scoot her step stool over to where we keep the candy jar): hey honey we're literally walking out the door to go get dinner, maybe we wait on the candy okay?

Penny: Oh but I will have some candy?

Me: Why don't you come have some mac and cheese and then when we get home you can have some candy, deal?

Penny: (running out the door) oh, yes this is deals!

[kaity--did]

We are visiting my family and Papa has quickly had to pay patronage to Penny the Deals Warlock

Papa: (yesterday morning, when Penny was a little grumpy) What about you come downstairs and we'll have some waffles and then tomorrow Papa will take you to the Diner in town for breakfast?

Penny: (extending her tiny hand to a VERY confused man) this is deal?

Papa: (not knowing hes entering a literal contract) uhm yeah deal.

-smash cut to 6:30 AM this morning-

Penny (running down the hallway in bare feet) 👹BREAKFAST DEALS👹

[kaity--did]

Penny has a canker sore to end all canker sores, to the point where she hasn't been able to eat so we had to make some deals surrounding getting some medicine on it because a hungry Penny Rose is like a angry demon queen

Me: Okay baby this is going to suck. This is going to hurt real bad for a second and then it's going to feel weird and then it's going to feel good. You're going to hate it. But if you let Mama get these three medicines in and on you [Listerine, Antacid, Tylenol] you can scream it out and then we'll go get some ice cream! Deal?

Penny: (obviously not thrilled with this idea) okay, three big shreams, three medicines, ice cream ... it will suck... ice cream ... deal. (Sticks out hand and we shake on it)

Me: okay let's do this I'm so sorry (starts the process)

Penny: ( In between her big screams ) IM GONNA GET LOTS OF FRINKLES

[kaity--did]

My husband is trying to make a deal with Penny to get upstairs and get in the bath tub

Penny: I will go upstairs and get my body clean but you hafta titch me, deal?

Dada: I would love to make this deal with you kid but I literally have no idea what you are saying- I don't know what the terms are, you're speaking a language I don't speak

Penny: you have to titch me like mama does okay DEAL!? (Sticks tiny hand out aggressively)

Dada: (looks at me bewildered for help)

Me: ( starts making a quick tick tick tick sound imitating a stop watch like I'm timing her, while penny jumps around yelling YES TITCH ME LIKE THAT)

Dada: In what world was I ever going to figure that out, thank you for acting as our legal interpreter yes deal let's go!

and off she sprints.

[kaity--did]

Penny does not want to go to bed, but man is it time for her to go to bed

Penny: But I don't want to be sleeping, I want to stay up now! I want to see Grampy and Cozy and Guppie and Papa!

Mama: What if we video call all the grands and say good night to everyone? If we do that will you then go to bed no fussing?

Penny: Oh yes, this is deals! -sticks her hand out to shake-

** we make the rounds and video call all her grandparents, they are all already in bed and say good night and penny hangs up the last video call and toddles into bed with minimal fussing **

Penny : (after a few minutes of silence, over the video monitor, to herself in her dark bedroom) I hafta respect da deals.

[pandabibble]

Congratulations to all AO3 users! Important Milestone reached!

Bookmark database overran!

[hungwy]

no one had “real names“ in ancient times if you wanted to be called broadback or servant-of-god or whatever everyone was chill about it

[hotvampireadjacent]

[taragrimface]

post the universal friend

[youhavethewrong]

[tall]

[sacred-portal]

[mitskiesque]

they should invent an apartment that has huge windows but is never too hot and is near everything i like and all my friends but is also quiet when i want it to be and costs zero dollars or perhaps they pay me to live in. and they save it just for me so i dont have to look for it :)

[darillium-night]

Update from the man himself

The Porn Guy aka The Nice Guy aka The Canadian side of Pornhub aka SFW Pornhub’s REAL NAME is Ryan Creamer. No joke, that is legit his real name.

Also this.

Which led him to this.

Bless this man.

[the-nightman783]

[lynati]

I can appreciate him and the service he’s providing independently of the shitshow that is the platform he’s hosted on.

[fly-chicken]

He remains just as funny and weird on other platforms dw

[fly-chicken]

By the way, the topic he was presenting was

‘Can I get an Honorary Degree if I Just Ask Really Nicely’

[intrinsicklutz]

I need y'all to know that he’s not just a part of the shows, Ryan Creamer is a Co-Executive Producer of Game Changer. Legend.

[gaytanic-panic]

YO!!!!!!!

@bigbrujabruja @reidio-silence @mindfulbrat A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE LETS GOOOOOOO