cooler than god's toupee

Bad similies and metaphors. Clare and Annie run this sexy blog of awesome.

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Avatar is like Pocahontas dipped in blue Kool-Aid... plus sex.

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Tripe tastes worse than Hitler's exposed ass crack.

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Twizzlers are like child leashes for fairies, except child leashes don't make me salivate. Oh wait... yah they do......

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Thanksgiving dinner is more delicious than a bypass surgery is necessary.

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Being away from you makes my heart into a melted puddle of low fat, non dairy, margarine spread with no bagel to disperse myself over.

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I miss you like a man with no teeth misses creamed corn.

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Going through airport security is like smangin' the Tang chimpanzee with a dirty plastic spork.

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Katy Perry is hotter than a frozen fish stick that has been thawed, microwaved, heated in the oven at 450 degrees Fahrenheit, saved in a tupperwear container for later, and re-microwaved during that ten minute break you have between classes next wednesday.

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You smell like a honey coated turkey crossing the interstate highway.

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The sound of your voice is like the sound of a kitten in a garbage disposal.

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Watching Fox News is like being tied to a radiator and graped in the mouth with conservative politics.

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Comma splices are like two janky puzzle pieces that are saturated with Welch's grape juice and toddler drool, they just don't fit together how you expect.

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Marti Gras-- it's like high school prom, but stickier.

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Eating at Taco Bell is like Christmas, except the Christmas tree catches on fire and instead of presents you get a cock-slap from Santa Claus' older brother in prison that the family doesn't like to talk about.

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Listening to that Nickelback song was worse than having my tongue cut off, shred into little pieces, coated in honey, and fed to a rabid badger who was given a taste for human flesh.

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Eating my grandma's green bean casserole tastes like being crucified.

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My teeth are shinier than a freshly buffed floor at New Seasons.