got them bad boi blues, baby

all abt yr pal, grace. find me @sweatermouths for some good ol fashioned blogging~

[badboibl00s]

tfw you log back onto tumblr for the first time in ages just to say 

hi i’m sad. i miss one of my best friends and he’s never gonna be in my life any more and sometimes if i think abt it too hard i want to run away sobbing. but also he’s constantly in my life bc we still move in the same circles but we can’t be fucking friends any more fuck.

[badboibl00s]

one day im gonna be conscious of how comfy being alone is and that'll be a good day

[badboibl00s]

do u have days where yr brain tells u every limitation u have and also how undesirable u r and also conveniently points out that u know many ppl who date successfully/are in healthy relationships unlike yr self ? cool me 2

[badboibl00s]

tfw u got a new skin care routine and hair routine and are slowly starting to feel better abt those pieces of yr bod A N D yr putting in good emotional//artistic work to yr year long art journal project ANDAND yr leaving tomorrow to visit some of the most creative and good folx you know for like 5 days !

[badboibl00s]

[badboibl00s]

shoot

SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

i’m nervouS

[badboibl00s]

i was scrolling FB and everyone is posting abt the repeals from last night and i just started crying wtf are we all gonna do

[badboibl00s]

the more that i’m trying to actively focus on NOT focusing on a desire for a relationship the more i’m realizing how much shit abt romantic relationships is shoved down my throat d a i ly jfc

[badboibl00s]

i’m recording songs for the pdx ep (FINALLY). i’m never pleased enough w my music things -- i think i just want it to sound more professional. it feels so chinzy. but i love other folx bedroom recordings, so i think i’m being too hard on myself. 

also just whenever i play//revisit songs a ton i always get real nervous that they aren’t that good or that everything is obvious and sounds boring and is too long of a song. do ppl care if songs are kinda long?? idk.

anyway, i’m doing it! hopefully i can release it sometime next week, that would be a big dream goal that isn’t too terribly hard to accomplish. xoxo

[badboibl00s]

y’all i’m truly so in love w this journal thing. like i’m digging mf DEEP for this and it’s exhausting but feels so good. i just spent the past hour journaling about what i want to focus on and how i can work towards a better home and a better self. and like it was kinda ugly to really put down into words things you don’t like about yrself that you want to change, but lemme tell you. d a m n this feels like the start of something. and u know what i’ve talked to a few ppl and in passing just been like ‘oh maybe this is just the whole like JANUARY thing and RESOLUTIONS etc’ and they’ve all been like hey FUCK that. yr doing real stuff. and that feels good.

anyway, hi i’m still here and tonight i feel good and look my hair is so LONG??

i got some jojoba oil today as a lil reward so i can use it as a hair mask and a lil moisturizer after i do a clay mask tmw bc i have so many blackheads and i want them to go AWAY.

if u have recs for good face masks i’m v down all the time forever pls send me the recs <3

[badboibl00s]

h ey from a kinda stuffy coffeeshop w weird art. 

finally did some data entry stuff for this random gig my dad got me this winter. $500 to put some info on a website ain’t too shabby huh? dunno when they’ll actually pay me, but i’d be ok w not getting any til mid-feb tbh. also hopefully gonna play a small gig at the local university that’s gonna be like $200. i feel real lucky that my dad was able to swing these two gigs for me -- otherwise i probably wouldn’t have any income this winter. it’d be ok, but stressful as usual.

i’m mostly glad that i came back to my parents’ this winter. definitely kind of a strain, but also cld imagine a real tuff time in maine living w an ex-brief-love so probably for the best. + i got to do a big cali trip, which was v good and full. 

mostly i’m feeling really excited abt all these ideas i’m having -- i want to have a monthly art-share//open mic//pot luck at the farm; i want to budget a small donation pool i can draw from each month to support ppl i love and things i care abt; i have all these goals for my music and art; i’m working on this art journal for the year; i’m gonna only eat meat if i know where it’s coming from -- this momentum feels real and permanent, but i’m sure it could slip away and will be in flux. i just wanna C OM M IT u know??? i feel like i’ve become one of those ppl who talks and talks and doesn’t do much. i don’t like that.

i wanna dO!!

anyway, here’s a big hi from an over-caffeinated, over-enthused me. i wanna be in this w ppl so if yr out there and you wanna work on stuff together in person or thru ~the net~ then pls let’s connect i’m serious about this. one of the ways to get thru 2017 and the next few years for me is gonna be to get better myself and find small (and big!!) ways to support ppl//things i care about. but i know it’s gonna be hard and i know i’m gonna need help. 

so hi 

hihihihihihihihi, let’s be together

[reheatedcoffee-deactivated20221]

🇺🇸🍑

[badboibl00s]

this L A R G E empty void in my belly//heart//body is really doin it for me lemme tell U WHAT

[riverryee]

good morning i’m going to LA and here’s a ~song !

[badboibl00s]

I read your rant post, I'm sorry you've had such a shitty day. If you decide to get the IUD, you can request the student to not be present for it. The vast majority of the time the doctor MUST ask you for permission to have someone observe. When I had an IUD put in there was a nurse studying to be a nurse practitioner who observed mine and she was really nice and asked first.

hiiii tytyty. 💕 the nurse who did the intake or whatever asked me if a male med student could come in w the doctor to observe, but he came in first alone bc the doc was w someone else. so i sort of knew/okayed it but i assumed he would just be observing and not like...doing most of the questions etc. esp cause at my doc appointment w another person last week they asked if a student could come and i said sure and she literally just came in w the doc and observed so i figured it would be fine. 🙄 i guess i forgot to rant that part heh. but thank u for the vibes and the advice!! basically if i'm ever asked again i'll probably just say no i guess?

[badboibl00s]

I think it also doesn't help that most like ~~ Human Touch~~ I'm getting these days is fckn MEDICALIZED IM OVER IT

[badboibl00s]

i just went and talked to a new doctor abt nexplanon and like no one even touched me, but there was a male medical student who came in before the doctor and i wasn't really expecting it. and he was fine, but it just felt weird and he started talking to me abt IUDs and I commented that a lot of people i know are getting them bc of the next presidency and he kinda scoffed or something and inside i was like squirming and wondering why i even made the comment in the first place bc im in the fckn south w some dude doctor like v slim chance he doesn't support trump etc. like why did i even go there w that comment. otherwise the doc came in and it was fine she's young and idk it just seemed all off to me slightly. they were both like jokey in a way I didn't really get I guess. and the guy just set the tone weird for me. I didn't trust him really and I felt like he felt that vibe from me? and im really nervous abt the payment for it bc the front desk woman was soooo kind and i think could tell i was worried and made estimates on both visits plus the insertion procedure. but like...its all so much money. even the lowest cost ones. so now im just feeling worried abt money and also just generally invaded by other ppl bc I also went for an eye exam/got my pupils dilated and it's just like so much Doctor stuff in one day//yesterday i had a dentist appt and the day before was a hair cut and last week was my reg Doctor. It's just too many social/medical spaces and I feel soooo uncomfy in all those places bc it's so social in a way I'm bad at + it's always expensive + I'm just always worried there's going to be bad news every time. now I'm fckn typing this in the driveway at my parents house bc my mom came home from work EARLY after she didn't even go yesterday like wtf is she doing and why is she home and I don't wanna talk to her or explain any of this I just wanna go in my bed and cry for a bit jfc. like why do doctors/medical spaces make me feel this way?? i feel so invaded and judged and like they just poked and prodded at my whole little existence under a microscope. and there's always some weird value judgment I feel on like birth control in general but then also like "oh yr a farmer huh?" and like they are interested but it feels demeaning like aww u cute lil farmer what a weird life u lead a TRAVELER HUH? like F U CK OFF. I think it just makes me feel so so so vulnerable to ppl I don't know and who aren't being vulnerable back. so i feel like I have no power or agency even tho the whole point of going there is to try to give myself more power and agency by not having to go to a pharmacy and be held hostage by my insurance company when I wanna get hbc WHICH BY THE FUCKING WAY IS ONLY TO PREVENT FUTURE OVARIAN CYSTS. IM NOT HAVING SEX, NOT THAT THAT SHLD MATTER, BUT LIKE IM NOT EVEN GET LAID OUT OF THIS ROTTEN FUCKING DEAL IM JUST TRYING TO NOT HAVE OH GUESS WHAT AN EXPENSIVE SURGERY THAT MAKES ME FEEL UGLY AND TERRIBLE AND OH IDK I N V A D E D. im so tired of this body. i think abt just getting my uterus/ovaries fucking REMOVED over this feeling. im so so tired