I hate myself so fucking much I just don't want to feel anything anymore

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@badlandblood
I hate myself so fucking much I just don't want to feel anything anymore
I idealise. I romanticise. I fantasise. And that’s my problem.
It feels like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
maybe i deserved what happened to me
I have such an addictive personality when I like something, I don’t just like it I become utterly obsessed with it.
Do you ever, all of a sudden, get this overwhelming wave of self hatred? Like suddenly you hate your body, every inch, your face, your voice, your smile, your laugh, your personality.. you just want to disappear because you can’t stand to be yourself.
“Wish you gave the same effort that I did.”
—
I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix this
no one knows how much i cried that day.
You really don’t care and that’s what hurts the most. If you really cared, you’d be fighting for us. If you really cared, you’d want to see me and be with me. I just can’t believe after all this time, it’s over and you’re so fine with it. You’re out there, being supported, always busy and I’m alone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this.
never forget how they gave you distance when you needed love.
Torn between “love me back I’ll do anything what will make you love me back just tell me and I’ll do it” and “fuck you, you don’t deserve me I’m 100000x better” and my brain goes back and forth like 50 times each day between the two