Desperate for Love pt. 2 [Suga Angst]
“I love him. But he doesn’t know(s) But it doesn’t matter. Because he loves her.”
Yoongi moved out from the apartment a few days after that the two of you had the fight. Or the confession.
He went back to being cold and didn’t say a word and although you were glad he didn’t, you still wished that everything somehow went back to how it was. How it was before you dug in too deep.
You stood outside his now empty room and looked around. You had never seen his room. Not even once since he always locked the door even if he was at home. But now standing there, the wonder about how his room looked like was still in your head.
Was it as cold and dark as him, with a black desk, black chair and black blankets? Did he throw his dirty clothes on the floor until the whole floor was covered with stinky socks and shirts that smelled like him?
The room you had tried to sneak into so many times was now standing there, empty with nothing but a key that he had left behind, on the floor.
He had left without even telling you about that. The key that you had given him on the first day when he first moved in wasn’t given to you on his last day. He had left it on the floor because he was avoiding you. And for once, you were happy he was.
Your days went and came, faster than you’ve ever imagined that time would be. It had already been a year since the last time you saw him.
There was no point in lying - you had been extremely careful with going out and accidently bump into him. But fortunately, that hasn’t happened although you’ve been working at The Face Shop, knowing exactly who the woman he was so deeply in love with was.
Ji Hyo was everything you were not. Her slim, model like figure made you look down to your own and wonder why the hell you haven’t been paying attention to take care of yourself more. Her face could light up a whole room when your face seemed to shut down an entire house. Her genuine way of talking, smiling, touching and even doing nothing could make any man pause what they’re doing, just to look at her.
Yoongi was right. You weren’t her and you were never going to be her.
You wanted to hate her. But she didn’t even know you beside the fact that you were her employee and friend. She was even the best boss you have ever had, how could you hate her? She didn’t know that you were in love with someone who loved her. She didn’t know any of that although the two of you had grown to be great friends.
Perhaps that’s why, when she came that day, smiling brightly with a man you haven’t met for a year, holding his hand and walking right to where you were seated, it finally hit you straight in the face that you should’ve told her. Or left before that.
His eyes were intense, staring right through you. In your head, you wished that this was all a dream. I fucking nightmare.
“Hey Y/N! I want to introduce you to my boyfriend.” Fuck.
It wasn’t a dream, a nightmare. It was reality. As you stood up, your eyes moved from Ji Hyo’s face to his stone hard face before they moved down to their locked hands. His eyes never left you as much as you wished they could.
“This is Yoongi, my boyfriend of five months.” She said, turning to face him with the biggest grin on her face before she turned to you, still smiling. “And this is a close friend of mine, her name’s Y/N.” You didn’t meet his eyes although you knew that he was still staring at you. You could feel his eyes burning holes on your skin.
“Hey guys,” you snap your head to meet Ji Hyo’s worried look and you felt bad for not even being able to look at her and be honest about how you feel.
You wanted to tell her that you had gone through four years of developing feelings for him, to only have him break your heart a year ago and still, a year later, seeing him still made your heart flip and skip a beat.
You wanted her to know that there was no love stronger than the love he had for her, because that was exactly the love you felt for him. You wanted to let her know that he had missed her all these years, the same way you had missed him, all these seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years with and without him. You needed her to know that he had been needing her this whole time, just as much as you still needed him like you needed him yesterday and the days before that day. You wanted her to know that the look he had in his eyes whenever he looked at her was because he wanted her to be his and unfortunately, that was the exact same way you looked at him.
“We’re going out for lunch.You want to go out and grab something to eat with us?” The question is from Ji Hyo and she’s asking you. But you didn’t answer right away because could see him in the corner of your eyes, he tensed up just by the mention of spending time with you.
“No it’s fine. I still have some things to do and I’m not that hungry. You go ahead and enjoy your lunch without me.” You avoided his eyes the whole time that you were talking, only giving him a fast glance to see that he was still looking at you, just like he had done since the moment his eyes landed on you.
“You sure?” You nodded, letting her know that you’re sure about staying.
“Wait here babe, I’ll just go and grab some things before we leave.” She pressed a short kiss onto his lips before disappearing to her office, leaving you with him. Or him with you. It doesn’t matter because right then, everything you could see was him. Your heart skip over a few beats and it got harder to control your breath.
His name left your mouth as if you had been dying to say his name but it still felt familiar although you hadn’t said that name for over a year, out loud.
“Y/N.” The way he said your name was hard, as if he was trying to not let any emotion get through his lips.
“How are you? It’s been a while.”
You looked away for a few seconds after that before you faced him again.
“Are you happy? Happier now?” You asked him because that’s the only thing you wanted a proper answer to. If he was happy and not as moody like he used to be. If she made him happy.
It took a while for him to answer but when he did, it’s like everything you’ve ever done to him means nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. “Yes. I’m happy, Y/N. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.” You took in a deep breath and shut your eyes tightly, mostly to prevent the tears to leave your eyes.
You should’ve known better and stopped right after that to stop yourself from breaking any further. But you didn’t because again, just like a year ago, you pressed the buttons until it was too late to regret it.
“Does she make you happy?” You didn’t even know why you asked him that. Of course she made him happy.
“She makes me feel like I own the world, Y/N. Something I didn’t think that I could feel, with anyone, until her. She brings out the happy and bright side of me that I didn’t know existed, until her. She can make my day hundreds of times better just by a simple action or a simple word. And there’s no need for her to say that she loves me because just by having her and telling her, letting her know that I love her is enough.” His eyes soften as they look into yours when you finally open your eyes.
It felt like a year ago all over again. It felt like you were in your apartment, listening to every word he had to say about her. How much he loves, misses, needs and wants her. It felt like you were brought back to the scene where you first got your heart broken and it felt like although it wasn’t even fully healed, it just broke a little more than last time.
“So to answer your question and to all the unquestioned questions, I love her, despite the fact that I know that it won’t last forever. But I’m taking risks with her because that’s everything I’ve been doing since I first laid my eyes on her four years ago. Because that’s what you do when you love someone, right?”
You didn’t realize until then that he was you and you were him because what he felt for her could be described as your own feelings for him. You realized then that you still loved him and were going to love him for a long, long time, despite the fact that you were never going to have him. You took risks when it came to him. You pushed him too far and you pulled him to near, not realizing that all he ever needed was her and not you.
Because that’s what you do when you’re desperate for love.
And that’s what you do when you see him smiling the moment he sees her again.
And that’s what you do when your heart break some more when you see them kiss while they wait for the elevator.
And that’s what you do when you finally break down on the ground, sobbing and crying.
Because that’s what you’ll always do, just like how he always does it when it comes to her.
I’ve never got so many positive comments about an one shot before and wow, WOW, you guys are unbelievable! I have know idea how I should thank you but THANK YOU SO MUCH! Reading every message that I got from each one of you was one of the most beautiful moments of my writing-experience.
I’m so grateful, happy and lucky to have such wonderful readers and I’m so thankful to those who had showed their appreciation for me.
I know this isn’t happy ever after - but those who has read my works know that 80% av my works won’t be a happy ever after. I hope you enjoyed reading this although it wasn’t fluffy like I know you wished that it was. But I feel like this is their destiny. It’s how things are between them.
I hope you loved Desperate for Love just as much as I loved writing it. Thank you for giving me a chance to write part 2 for their story.
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