Party of one (Part One)
Hey, tea or wine? Or coffee…I’ve got very into half caff coffee lately, no really it’s not as bad as you think, especially if you make it with whole beans! (I’m not a coffee snob I promise…but I live with a barista so whole beans it is. ;) )
(Note: this post’s definitely more for the people who’ve already moved away.)
I want to talk about how it is to be alone in your new place (town/city/country, wherever), nah I don’t mean lonely I mean to be alone. To be alone and lonely can be two different things, the first can lead to the second but it doesn’t have to.
When we moved to Berlin, Tom (my boyfriend) had a few friends here but I didn’t. I had already secured a job, met my boss once and I’d found our flatmate through Facebook and met her in London (to make sure she was a real person) other than that, I knew no one here. Just because you moved with your partner doesn’t mean you can’t feel alone or lonely. Key thing here: this does not reflect badly on your relationship. So get that out of your head right now eh. Presumably you were both your own entity’s back home…you both had your own friends as well as shared friends and probably separate jobs and any friends or acquaintances that came with that? Therefore it’s completely natural for you to feel alone in your new place. This was an important lesson I learned. I felt so guilty for feeling alone that I never spoke to Tom about it - as we all know not talking doesn’t help anyone. No matter how great your relationship, you are human and we all need other connections in life. Whether that comes from the family you ‘re born with or the family you find for yourself.
How’s that half caff going down? Told you it wasn’t so bad. :)
Today let’s not talk about making/finding new friends, that’ll come later. There’s something much more important that comes first: YOU. No it’s not selfish, all will become clear…
This comes from another lesson learned, trust me. Of course I’m talking from my perspective of moving to a foreign country but that doesn’t mean these things won’t still make sense if you moved within your home country. I’m going to say something obvious so don’t laugh…don’t stop being yourself. Ah god yeah that cheesy line! However cheesy it’s bloody true, I always thought I was strong willed and a decent chunk of me didn’t give a fuck what people thought of me – that was the part of me that used to have blue hair and a Mohawk (yes really). I was surprised how slyly that part of me slipped away after moving here. Scarily other parts of me did too.
How did I realise? I had a big wake up call. Here’s a little background info: my mum is the amazing type of person who talks to anyone and everyone with natural ease and grace. My brother and I grew up watching her speak to someone in the supermarket for easily 20 minutes, only to ask later “who was that?” and have her reply “I don’t know”. She just has the gift to talk to strangers as if they’re friends and happily she passed that gift on to us and with it a natural response to help strangers. In Berlin somewhere between big city fears and language fears I’d stopped doing that. My wake up call came one day when I witnessed a young man caught in the grips of grief. He had just finished a phone call at a table outside a closed restaurant and to say he was upset would be an understatement. I am ashamed even now to admit that I, walking on the other side of the street, was going to ignored him. Thankfully I caught hold of that piece of me, instilled by my mum and I didn’t. I learned two things: I had not completely lost myself and we don’t need to have the same language to be able to check if another person is ok and offer comfort.
Stop second guessing yourself (alright be honest you’re like me, your second, third, fourth fricking fifth guessing yourself..lets try and stop that) – if there’s something that you would naturally do at home keep doing it here. If you second guess it, have a quick check in with yourself…did you naturally do it back home? Then do it here too (…within reason…maybe if it’s not culturally acceptable and/or could put you in danger, don’t do it!).
It’s s lot more difficult to find your people if you’re not yourself first and that’s why I’m not talking about making friends yet. Now I’m breaking out that bottle of red I just bought and I’ll tell you about another big lesson learned…
T.B.C…
