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Despite the fact that “Forever Comfy” sounds like a blanket to put on a dead person inside a coffin, it is instead a cushion. A single, nineteen-dollar cushion. And, according to reviewers, after you sit on it, it never returns to its original size, implying that it’s Once Comfy, not “Forever.” I still haven’t figured out whether it’s related in any way to “Forever Lazy,” the one-piece depression pajama.

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In the ’00s, party-supply manufacturers got used to making glasses with the two middle digits of the year. When 2010 rolled around, they said “fuck it, just put a hole in the one.” I will marvel at this every year.

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Seasonal dishes in the fall can be wonderful. But processed-food makers, especially candy makers, do their best to crush our spirits. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses are gross, Mellowcreme Pumpkins are startlingly bland, and the Milky Way Caramel Apple candies are a bizarre mix of cinnamon, fake apple, and chocolate. But the worst, far and away, is Candy Corn Oreos. They mix the “is it really even an Oreo” vanilla cookie with a yellow and orange filling designed to taste like candy corn. It kind of does taste like candy corn. It kind of also tastes like food coloring, and wax, and low-grade sugar. And, on a personal note, I hate that I had to eat them to write this blog entry. I hate that I had to eat like 3 of them to properly describe the taste. I hate everything.

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We’ve finally hit the point of “no more bacon.” Not you and me; we hit that point two years ago as bacon-themed products began to flood the marketplace. But now, even the tasteless fat-and-sugar masses are turning their backs on bacon, with bacon soda the watershed of this decline. “Taste soo wierd and horrible,” wrote one reviewer. “tryed a tiny sip and it tasted soo wierd.”

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The “luxury version” of Monopoly allows you to spend $199.99 in real money on a game that will drive you and your family apart. The same company makes two-hundred-buck versions of Clue and Scrabble, in case your family’s still on your side after Monopoly and you want to drive them into a blinding rage by playing ZYMURGY on a triple-word.

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Wasabi Candy Canes - You know they’re Wasabi Candy Canes, but to everyone else they look like normal mint-flavored green-striped candy canes. Of course, when they grab one, instead of the minty goodness they’ll be expecting, they get a mouthful of horseradishy heat!

Buy them here

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The new iPod Nanos are light & tiny with a usable touch-screen. A wristband seems to be the ultimate compliment to this tiny glowing square of magic, until you try to actually use the iPod while it’s inside the wristband. By the twelfth time you jerk the headphones out of your ear by moving your hand the wrong way or too fast (not uncommon if you’re walking somewhere or working out) you’ll realize it’s about as smart as tying your finger to your earring before going on a jog.

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Tired of the crystal-clear picture on contemporary 1080p HD televisions? Hate having something light and thin enough to hang on the wall? Then this Sony 53” projection TV may be the thing for you. Weighing in at 220 pounds, it’ll bring you back to the halcyon days of 2006. Maybe you can watch Flavor of Love on it!

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http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0016BFZ16/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=natdee-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0016BFZ16 In what universe is a $1,300 stuffed six-foot-tall grizzly bear “an affordable gift for your little one”? Because in my universe, an affordable gift for my little one is the dollar section at Target that’s right next to the carts.

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You open the front door and begin to run outside. “Nooooooo!” you scream. But as the last “o” leaves your mouth, the Fedex man throws your $25,170 crystal chandelier over the privacy fence, and it lands with a sickening crunch. “Free shipping, motherfucker!” he screams, and throws the Fedex gang sign up above the wooden slats.

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The Orbitwheel lives at the intersection of dorky and dangerous. The manufacturer tries to relate these $90 footwheels to skateboarding, but I don’t think the comparison holds up, because skateboarding is cool. This truth is self-evident. Like “I Have A Dream.” There are a million shitty wheel gadgets for kids, but the product description is what does it for me here: "The two narrow wheels make them easy to slip into a backpack or carry in your hand. And when you’re ready to get going again, " What happened, did you fall off your Orbitwheel mid-sentence, DORK?