old white men my beloved

Elliot † He/Him † gay ftm † hardcore Matt + Trey + Jason + Dian fan † Interests: Cannibal! the Musical, Weevils, Orgazmo, South Park, Primus, Sublime, Grateful Dead, old Lapdance/Undance/Tromadance film festivals, the real life Alferd Packer story and other weird Colorado history, Troma movies, Jewfros, shitty obscure movies on YouTube with 400 views posted 14 years ago, old web shit like Geocities and internet archive, tattoos/body mods

[bathtuub]

if i eat 1800 a day ill be my ugw exactly on my birthday... its so achievable and time passes so fast anyways i have to do this for myself

[zootycoon-archive]

i got these knockoff boots online and instead of the brand name on the tag they have the name of an apparently nonexistent martin scorsese movie??? what the fuck

[loseremo]

[syzygy-yzygy]

THE ORIGINAL? ON MY DASH

[this-too-too-sullied-flesh]

this post led to a series of events that had martin scorsese himself reacting to his alleged movie goncharov and it has less than 400k notes almost 3 years later?

[estavionpira]

Lowballing some idiot on a pair of mint condition baby shoes RN, will keep you posted

[garcavisconde]

Losing my mind over this article

[dogpuppy]

[miss-mania]

I'm just pulling your chain. I mean yanking your leash. I mean jerking you off. uh I mean I'm just messing around with you,

[muppetshow2026]

slime monster obama: my jello americans

[sealtrick]

[ronanempire]

Aborted obama: I would’ve loved to be clear

[bathtuub]

i love nothing more than leaving giant paragraphs in peoples ask boxes about how they need to log off. some of these people are either lying about their age or they missed out on some serious developmental progress. wdym youre a year younger than me and you are fighting with another obsessive yandere fan because they said narcissist. you should be 12

[transgenderer]

My parents taught me to go to the bathroom to calm down if I was feeling overwhelmed which was good advice for an autistic child but now i have some trouble leaving bathrooms. They're such a perfect safe space. No one is allowed to bother you. It's like the womb

[nariarts]

I've never been more devastated that I'm going to miss an event in my life. What a fucking icon.

Via bsky

[nariarts]

never mind, I can make it!!

[nariarts]

Update;

She expected maybe 5-10 people to show up. There were about 100.

I gave out scotch eggs to commemorate the occasion.

She gave a beautiful speech, was blindfolded, then kicked REAL good. Crumpled. Gave us a thumbs up.

Applause. Then the flute. Then a moment's silence.

Absolutely beautiful. I fucking love trans people and Glasgow and trans Glaswegians.

[homunculus-argument]

Between the nothingburger and the everything bagel, there is the somewhat sandwich.

[the-muppet-joker]

The Truth

Haven't posted in a while. A lot has happened since my last post so I'll just get into it.

Basically, as some of you may have surmised, my relationship with Kermit the Frog had turned pretty toxic. I believe the old character I once played, good ol' croaker, had revived itself within the Muppet as a form a divine punishment from God for what I had created, and franky, I deserve it. There's a lot of old posts out there of mine that make me shudder in horror. I cannot even look at a clown without thinking "The Joker," and then gnashing my teeth in regret. The colors green and purple throw me into despair.

Anywho, it all reached a head when Kermit tried to take my life at the Dangerous Chemicals Factory (where I work). He took my company-mandated non-slip shoes and tried to make me fall into a big vat of Joker Chemicals, after which point he would possess my corpse and take over my life. For those of you who don't know, this is the fate of all who create tumblr fake stories. They come to life, kill the person who created them, and take over their dead body. Why do you think we haven't heard from the Weed Smoking Girlfriends guy? Baka. He IS the Weed Smoking Girlfriends now. They puppeteer his corpse, probably with all three hands deep in the muppet hole of his mind (we all have one). I can only hope he managed to have bangin sex with them before they killed him, as I was able to have bangin sex with Kermit while he was inhabited by the Croaker Persona. God the sex was amazing. And Let's Just Say His Cock Was Huge

But I'm getting sidetracked. I signaled for Batman (my ex wife) just moments before his attack. I did not realize this at the time, but she had been tailing me, concerned for my safety, so she arrived the moment she saw the signal. She picked me up and threw me a safe distance away, entering a vicious brawl with Kermit. She ripped off Kermit's arm and bit off one of his eyes, but it was no use. He began to mupp her to death right before my eyes. I looked around frantically for anything I could use as a weapon, even just something I could throw at him.

And then, I felt something slip out of my ass.

I had put it there before, for safekeeping:

The

Jrap

On

(Joker Strap On).

Grabbing my weapon, I quickly jumped on a nearby skateboard (also produced by the Dangerous Chemicals Factory), and began to race towards my former lovers, taking the shorter but more dangerous route over a tank full of Deadly Sharks (another byproduct of the Dangerous Chemicals Factory).

My heart raced.

My skateboard raced even faster.

Somewhere, within my mind, I felt my inner Joker chuckling darkly.

Completely jumping the shark, I leapt at Kermit, and roaring like a lion, I stabbed a fatal blow deep within his Muppet Hole using only my sheer will and my trusty weapon, the

[kaijuno]

[moniquill]

[warmfigure]

i am massively overdue for a very very good week where not a single bad thing happens and everything is easy

[unlettered-heathen]

reblog to give prev a very good week where not a single bad thing happens and everything is easy