I know I am attempting nuance on a site that does not do well with nuance, but stick with me a minute.
It's noticeable when people use a genuine complicating factor (social anxiety) to justify bad behavior especially when their behavior does not align with that confounding factor.
Common scenario (and one that I just experienced, oh, about two hours ago):
Person B: hey, that was a dick move; maybe you didn't mean it that way, but it was, so please stop.
Person A: I was not a dick!!!!
Person B: You were. If you don't want to be a dick, try this instead.
Person A: I have social anxiety!!!!!!!!! I will flagrantly ignore your advice and do EXACTLY what you said not to do!!!!!!!!
Hey man, first of all, lots of us have social anxiety. We're still not dicks. Having social anxiety (colloquially or clinically) does not excuse causing harm. Full stop. But what's worse is when you try to use "social anxiety" as an excuse for taking ownership and accountability for the harm caused. Own your nonsense, make your apologies, and plan to do better next time.
Anxiety of any kind can be really perceptually warping, I get that. It makes your fight-or-flight go wheeeeeeee when it doesn't need to. But part of being a human in the company of other humans is learning to curb instinctual responses (being told "hey, you hurt someone's feelings" is not being chased by a predator, and you do actually know the difference) and to adjust behaviors accordingly. Sometimes that means taking a break before responding, learning coping strategies, and does mean learning and growing when given feedback.
But also, when you wave the flag of "social anxiety!!!!" I do want to note that the rest of us are noticing what you seem to have anxiety over, and in scenarios like the above, it's clearly not about interacting well, finding community, or expressing yourself in a way that better communicates what you mean. A person anxious about social interactions and not being harmful will be clearly focused on navigating interactions appropriately and avoiding or repairing unintentional harm. A person anxious mostly about how they're perceived will be defensive, combative, and closed to recommendations for change, growth, and harm reduction.
So like, don't be a dick, and when you're a dick by accident, don't double down on the dickdom by claiming it's everyone else's fault because you're a wubbly li'l bean with social anxiety.
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