fem!reader + itadori yuji
𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗰. i unwrap for you today, a fiction following the life of a college student who struggles with her drug addiction and depression. with no plans to fix herself she continues to create a ditch in which traps her in her studies and failing exams, until meeting a guy when working after a busy night shift. one that she didn’t know would change her life, drastically.
𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀. college!au heavy!angst, violence, use of over the counter or prescription drugs/ medications, heavy!drugs use, panic attack, family issues mentioned?, depression, use of weapons, slow burn?, light!fluff, fem!reader.
𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲. this is my first fan fiction ever 1) and 2) there are many details from this in which i’ve taken from euphoria.
i started this story on Monday, December 18th at 11:46.
maybe if you weren’t such a nuisance, maybe just maybe life would be better. or at least that’s what you thought, but what about what other people think? maybe they feel the same way. but who knows? who’ll ever know what other people trul— interrupted by your thoughts is your professor calling out your name from the front of the class. you practically jump out of your seat, swallowing thickly as you adjust yourself before setting your eyes on the professor. “i apologize, professor.” you say quietly, almost quiet as a mouse as you lean into your hand. your elbow resting on the desk, legs crossed as you try to focus. the professor nods his head in response, “please do try to pay attention.” he speaks aloud as he clears his throat, turning back to the board as he resumes his lecture.
though, it was hard enough for you to pay attention. being sleep deprived, and also being as high as a kite in class was not a good idea. you chuckled quietly at your own internal thoughts as you stare blankly at the board. all these other students must have a clue on what’s going on, unlike you. some woman putting her intelligence to waste by being high all day, words your mother would say if she were here.
you didn’t have much friends— or any at all. you didn’t need any, and coming from a thought that wasn’t in a way your mother would want it to be, friends were a nuisance. much like you saw yourself as one.
you trotted through the hallways of the college campus, hands in the pockets of your sweatpants as you counted each one of your steps. staring into the distance as you could feel the world around you spin, flake, disappear and come back, dissolve and bounce. carrying your black book bag— yeah, you still carried a book bag around like it were your highschool days. who cares? certainly not you. it was actually a comfort, being reminded of those days of youth. being so lost as you wobbled through the empty halls, too busy to take notice in the guy who was heading right towards you.
there was a large thump, the guy dropped his phone. you on the other hand stumbled back quite a bit, as if you were knocked out of your thoughts and back into reality. so much for a fifty dollar cart. you sighed as you scratched the back of your head lightly. “sorry, i wasn’t paying attention.” you said as you looked up at the guy whom you had ran into. Yuji Itadori.
wow, what a perfect guy. not even saying this appearance wise, but he was just perfect. ideal. he was a student athlete, full paid off scholarship from three whole sports. he was tall, dirty pink hair, light brown eyes like the autumn leaves. he had perfect grades, a perfect life, a lot of friends— he was definitely going somewhere in the future. much unlike yourself.
“no, don’t worry. that was my fault.” he gave a cheeky grin, holding up his hand as he held himself accountable. he then kneeled down to grab his phone, standing up straight again as he looked towards your direction. “trust me though, the other guys here would’ve made it a bigger deal than it should’ve been.” he chuckled in thought before tilting his head. analyzing you and your physical appearance. “you used to be on the girls baseball team in high school, right?” he questioned curiously.
oh? that was new. he’d actually recognized you, catching your interest. you just nod your head slowly, though it was still a bit hard to respond with such a slow processing time. “yeah, i.. uh..” you stammer on your words for a second before pushing a strand of your hair behind your ear. to seem… more sober. “yeah, i was.” was. “i quit, after junior year though.” you gave a quick smile, before it going away. yuji nodded in understanding, “understandable.” he replied with a smile. “you look different, a good different though don’t get me wrong!” was he trying to keep this conversation up? he wasn’t doing good. “yeah— thanks.” you said bluntly. “i, uh.. really have to get going..” you gave a slightly empathetic chuckle, and a nervous smile. “i have an exam, i’ll catch up with you later though, yuji.” you said quickly, but before he could utter another sentence you’d already walked past him.
“y—“ …”yeah.” he said, looking back curiously as you walked off. “a good different.” he muttered under his breath before looking away, continuing his path as he placed his hands inside his pockets.
‘what a nuisance.’ you thought to yourself as you let out an annoyed huff.
later that night, you lie in bed, staring at your ceiling as puffs of smoke leave your mouth. your hair spread out on the white silk sheets, your arms and legs spread out as you stare at the euphoric glimmer of the sky. “i want to go to space.” you slurred out. staring into the ceiling of what was now the galaxy.
you wore a large white t- shirt, in which you had gotten from your older brother. before he had left, before the family split, before… before you were engrossed in drugs. funny, how then your mother would always say;
‘don’t get addicted to things you know you can’t go cold turkey on, pumpkin.’ pumpkin? she’d never say that. “maybe more of uh..” you muttered to yourself. “ ‘don’t do drugs, kid.’ “ you chuckled. “yeah, that sounds about right.” you said as you stared up at the galaxy patterned ceiling. which was all just a figment of your imagination of course, the floral designed underwear you wore designed in red rubbed against your skin. you lifted your arm, holding the blunt to your mouth as you inhaled.. andd exhaled. you closed your eyes. and the alarm rang. time for work.
that’s right, you take classes at 10 in the morning, leave at 12, go home for about 15 minutes.. get high and reminisce leave at 12:26 to go work, work until 2 in the morning.. go back to your apartment… and repeat.
you put on your uniform, tying your hair into a ponytail as you stared at yourself in the mirror. your eyes weren’t as bloodshot as they were in class. i mean? you didn’t need a cart for work, of course.
you thought that as you picked up your cart, stuffing it in your pocket. feeling rather prestigious knowing you can’t go anywhere without the feeling of euphoria following you around!
you sat on the edge of your bad as you put your shoes on, standing up before stretching as you let out a soft groan. “the cycle repeats.” you mutter to yourself as you grab your things and make your way out of your room, shutting the door behind you before walking towards the bathroom. sighing as you opened the mirror-cabinet to grab a small pill container. fluoxetine. didn’t help like weed carts did, but it helped enough to stay on it so when you say ‘i ran out of weed!’ you can just get more. except.. it’s given to you… and prescribed!
you closed the container before setting it back in the cabinet, closing the mirror door before switching off the light and walking out. yanking your keys from the holder as you unlocked and opened the door slowly, walking out as the burst of never-been-outside air hits you. shutting the door on your way out, you shift to your right on your heels. walking down the hallways, onto the elevator, through the lobby and outside to your car. as you got in you slumped in the drivers seat, i mean.. you could really crash into this whole complex right now and just… “boom” you emphasized to yourself before adjusting your body in the seat. setting your keys on the center console you push the start car engine button, buckle yourself in before letting the car heat up.
yeah, sure, your shift was going fine. you made it a few hours into it without bringing your cart into involvement. nor getting scolded for not cooperating by your manager. the loop was changing!
it was about 12:30 at night. tables had been cleaned, no customers until a group college students had walked in. in which you knew, and hated. though you put on a smile as you made your way to their table. “welcomeee, and what could i get for you lot.” you say in your best customer service voice.
the girl with a short black bob began to speak. “can i get—“ the girl was interrupted by a tall bulky guy with brown hair, and green eyes. he let out a loud obnoxious laugh as he analyzed you from top to bottom. “i know you.” his voice deep, husky. he tilted his head to the side.
“i, uh.. don’t think i recognize you.” well, how could you. on cloud 9 almost all the time, it’d be a surprise if you did remember.
“i used ta’ be your dealer. till’ you basically said.. fuck yourself, and didn’t pay me.”
“you callin’ me dumb, bitch?”
he chuckles. “yeah. maybe you are.” he says, his smile slowly fading. his face falling into a glare, though you knew you were fucked. you thought nothing of it.
and for the rest of that shift, you found yourself high in the clouds again. it helped with the anxiety.
about an hour later, you found yourself taking the trash out. couldn’t your colleagues have done this? or maybe something to help. you scoff. but you were feeling great, so who even cares? as long as you were feeling it so was everyone else. you pushed the back door open as you entered the slim and dark alleyway, the black trash bag in hand as you began to toss it in the trash. you stood there for a second before hearing a whistle in the distance.
“yo, bitch.” a voice you recognized called out, standing in the distance was the guy from earlier, his buddies.. and more buddies. you sighed as you held up your hands, “look.. i.. don’t want any problems.” your voice slurred slightly, but he was too angry to notice.
he trotted over, your reaction timing was moving in space time. so you had literally no time to react at all, as he punched you square in the face. you swear you could feel every bone in your face shift as you fell back, you let out a loud groan. looking up as your eyes widened slightly, but so gone only half of you didn’t realize what was going on.
a few more of his guys joined in, assaulting a cafe worker at 1 in the morning.. in the middle of a dark alleyway. how ironic. after a while you were sat against the brick wall, a cut on your swollen cheek, a bloody nose, and a pool of blood leaking out of your mouth.
“what a nuisance.” the guy spat at you. walking away with the rest of his buddies. your eyes followed him.
“where have i heard that before?” you muttered out as you leaned your head back against the wall. your hand slowly making its way into your pocket as you pulled out your cart. bringing it to your mouth.
closing your eyes as your lungs inhaled the euphoric air.
a voice echoed through your head.
your eyes shot opened, coming to your senses as your turn your head slightly to the side. your eyes adjusting to the darkness as you see a silhouette of a man kneeled down in front of you. at first you were able to recognize who it was. but your eyes did you justice, only to realize it was yuji. what a coincidence.
“sheesh.. what happened to you? you look beat up!” he says as he analyzes your face. grabbing your had slowly before helping you up. you couldn’t balance yourself though, so he held you on your feet by the waist. barely conscious as his voice began to fade from your ears. as he walked with you you were completely out of it. he didn’t know any info on you, where you live.. or anything really, except that you did girls baseball in high school, the same one he went to. and had a few conversations with you.. but did you even remember?
he looked concerned as he kept his focus on you, he had no choice but to take matters into his own hands.
you woke up hours later, laying on your back in bed. staring up at the bright ceiling as the sun trickled through the curtains. but this wasn’t… your bed. hell, this wasn’t even your room. “what the.. fuck..” you muttered confusingly as you sat up. wincing a bit in pain, bringing a hand to your face as you felt the bruise on your upper cheek.
the room had navy blue walls, consisted of posters of Jennifer Lawrence, random movies in which you’d never seen, video game consoles and a desk. yeah, this definitely wasn’t your room.
“you’re awake.” your head almost snapped as you turned to the right, facing where the voice had come from. standing in the doorway was yuji. you analyzed him as he stood in his sweatpants and Jennifer Lawrence shirt which had pictures of her face collaged onto it. you cringed. then looking back at his face. “oh, um.. hi. yeah.” you pulled your legs over the edge of the bed. only to realize you were in large red pajama pants, which weren’t yours. and your t shirt, which was under your work uniform before.. all this happened. “sorry, but what am i doing here?” you ask.
he leans against the doorframe. your figure was small in his pajama pants, he didn’t do anything weird or creepy he just wanted you to feel comfortable rather than sleeping in work pants that could wake you up with an ache in your legs. “you really don’t recall?” he asked curiously.
“yeah, i mean…—“ you shot a frown. “can you just..- enlighten me, einstein.” you mutter. he blinks, chuckling a bit. “okay, no need to get aggressive” he said as he made his way in, handing you strawberry yogurt with a spoon. sitting besides you on the bed as you reluctantly take it. “found you unconscious, all beat up in an alleyway. i woke you up for a second, but you just passed right back out.” he chuckled. “brought you to my place—“ he held up his hands. “and i swear on my life, didn’t do anything weird. i just changed you into my favorite pajama pants— so you weren’t uncomfortable. i didn’t sleep in the same bed as you either. slept on the couch.” he said, in full honestly before putting his hands back on his lap.
not that you cared, anyway. if he even did do anything, you were unconscious anyway. “oh, and i also put some stuff to help with the bruising and scratches on your face. i also stopped your lip from bleeding.. it was pretty busted.” he said with a grin. it made you raise a brow, this guy was mindful. and he was proud of himself for it… well, not that being careful and mindful was bad but— “never mind.” you muttered to yourself, he raised a brow. “what?” he said suddenly. you almost shot up, looking back at him. “oh.. err.. nothing, sorry.” you said awkwardly before shooting up again. “and— thanks.” you were a bit of an awkward and anxious person— when you weren’t under the influence of drugs, it’s clear that you didn’t care about your own wellbeing.
“well—“ you said suddenly before yuji spoke up again, “y’know..” he said quietly. you turned your head to face him again. and he faced you. “smokings not good for you.” he said with an almost innocent gaze, before standing up and stretching with a groan. “keep the pants, by the way.” he said with a pure smile. if you were high, you’d laugh. but you could just stare in silence as you slowly stood up. “my.. uh.. my car.” you said quietly. “hm?” he turned to you, “oh, i have your keys. car is still by the cafe. if you need me to help ya’ cause you’re a little woozy i can help.” he said softly as he pulled out your keys from his pocket and tossed them to you.
you caught them with both hands, cringing slightly at his offer. “er, no thanks.” you said quietly. “but thanks.” you said again.
when you two stood at his door you had all your things gathered, though you still had his pajama pants on. which he said was fine. “thank you, again, yuji.” you said, you were thankful. you really were. you just couldn’t express it. “no problem, bun.” he said with a smile. ‘bun’? you raised a brow. what an odd guy. as you were about to walk away he suddenly spoke again. “hey.. sorry.. but uh..” he stammered a bit. you turned around to face him, a bit curious as to what he had to say. “we should really.. like.. hang out more.” hang out? “and er—“ he scratched his head. “you really should quit the smoking thing.” the smoking term, again. that’s funny. you thought. but the thought of him wanting to hang out.. also sort of peaked your interest. “….okay.” you said softly. you hadn’t even realized you had uttered that out. but you did. you now had a friend. maybe?
later that day you lay in your own bed, you had taken a shower so your hair was still a bit damp. your body was curled up as you hugged a stuffed animal. you weren’t high.. not one bit. but you were thinking of the words of yuji, ‘you should really quit the smoking thing.’ you almost scoffed aloud as you thought of it again. “as if.” you muttered before your hand slid under your pillow, pulling her cart from under it.
a smirk on your face as you brought it up to your mouth, but stopped as it was only a few inches away.
‘you should really quit that smoking thing.’
“that smoking thing.” you snorted. pulling the cart back from her face, before tossing it the other way. “okay, yuji.” she muttered to herself.
‘ why does some silly boy have a huge influence on me? ‘
the next day you found yourself getting ready again for your classes, you missed the other day so there was an unexcused absence. you didn’t mind— well, usually you didn’t. but you found yourself today feeling a bit.. stressed maybe? not sure. it was an odd feeling.
you dressed yourself in a t shirt and jeans, adjusting how your clothes looked on your body you made your way into the bathroom. staring at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes.. that felt like.. forever.
you say quietly to yourself.
you say in a louder voice, almost jumping out of your skin when you realize how loud you can be. as if you didn’t know you could be any louder.
you just sigh, feeling weird. but your body feels oddly warm. in a good way of course. you almost crack a smile as you open the mirror cabinet, pulling out the container of prescription pills. “these wouldn’t count.. right?” you stared at them. you then let out a heavy sigh before putting them back, closing the mirror and walking out of the bathroom.
you grab your bags as you slightly adjust your hair.
what are you doing that for? you catch yourself, questioning in your head as to why you would even care about things such as your own hair. you take a minute to think before brushing it off. you grab your phone, shoving it into your pocket as you walk out of your room, making your way to the front door as you slip on your black uggs. you twist the doorknob after unlocking it, grabbing your keys before standing there for a second.
you’re forgetting something.
you stare at the doorknob as you dissociate from your body. “it’s probably nothing.” you mutter out before walking out the door, shutting the door behind you as make your way out.
unlike your job, the college campus was literally right next door! all you had to do was a little bit of walking. you’d be fine, right?
“you made it early for once.” your professor said with a small smile. you looked up from wherever you stood. staring for a second before shaking out of your thoughts. “yeah.. i uh.. i.. i made it.” you give a small yet awkward smile. “well, take a seat then.” he offers kindly as he turns around and starts cleaning off the board. you nod in response as you make your way to your seat in the front row, crossing your legs as you look around.
“you know…. in the beginning of the year, you were my best student.” the professor said. you looked over, he was a scrawny old man with long grey hairs. he seemed sweet too. “oh..” was all you could mutter out. wanting to tell him more for some reason, he just tilted his head. “what happened, young one?” he questioned curiously. though you could sense a feeling of warmth from him, “well..” just before you could speak, mote students came flooding in. interrupting your train of thought and voice, you just stopped. and looked away. though, your professor didn’t pry. he just nodded, and faced the other students.
after that class you found yourself, yet again walking through the hallways. you looked around as you sort of.. admired the campus view. “why’ve i never noticed this?” you muttered to yourself as you looked around. you nodded your head as if approving the beautiful scenery like never before. you chuckle to yourself before heading into the library, which you’ve never done before. quite odd of you.
pulling out your phone as you quietly walk in, the library filled with books of every genre. i mean, of course. it’s a library. you sit down at a nearby table, there were a few other people here as well. scattered around studying, or just reading.. but you didn’t mind. you felt a sense of peace? maybe. until you heard a familiar voice.
“yo!” a male voice said aloud, a few voices shushing him in the background. you looked up as you noticed him, a small smile appearing on your face, before fading as you noticed four other people following behind him. a rather tall male with black spiky hair, following by a shorter guy with white hair and a black mask. a girl with a short brown bob, and another with a long black high ponytail. they all waved and sat down.
“hey!” the female with the brown eyes and short brown hair said with a smile, “we’ve heard a lot about you, from yuji of course!” she said happily. the others agreeing. she held out her hand to shake yours as she leaned over the table. you looked down at her hand, hesitant. you looked back at her and then smiled. she awkwardly pulled her hand away. yuji smiled, “don’t be nervous. these are my friends, nobara, megumi, maki, and toge. wanted to introduce them to you.” he said happily.
“tuna.” the white haired male introduced as toge spoke. in which the girl, maki, with the long ponytail agreed with him. she pushed her glasses up slightly as she sat up. “you have an odd scent— don’t get me wrong, you look good but usually— and i see you around campus a lot.. usually you look out of it. are you feeling okay today?” she asked curiously.
“oh— i.. uh..” you stammered.
“maki! why would you ask such a question?” nobara butted in.
megumi peaked in from his phone. “maybe she’s just having a good day.” he mustered.
toge responded, “tuna mayo.” which you didn’t quite understand.
yuji tried to speak a few times but they continued to argue a bit more, they’d ask you questions but wouldn’t let you answer them. overwhelming you as they argued and argued and argued.
you felt yourself getting overwhelmed, your face felt like it was heated as your chest started to become heavy. your eyes darted from each of them before standing up quickly, gathering your things and walking off without say.
yuji noticed you before anyone, standing up as he watched you rush away. he shouted your name, “wait! please—“ he called after you. but you kept walking, you walked until you were off the campus. looking around as cars passed by, people laughed and chatted as you rushed through. the sidewalks seemed like they were always crowded.. but why now? why now when you felt the world caving in on you? why now when you felt as if you couldn’t breath.
why now when you felt isolated?
you rushed to the student apartment complex as your hand never left your chest, trying to catch your breath as if you just ran a mile. your eyes darted around making sure no one followed you, fumbling with the keys in your pocket as you made your way up the stairs. “mom.. mommy.” you muttered under your breath. as if she would even come. what was wrong with you?
finally opening the door you yanked your keys out of the lock and slammed the door behind you, not even locking it as you dropped your things. you rushed around, rummaging through your things.
“where is it?” you shouted, as if you were in fear. as if you were hiding from someone. you destroyed your room, the living room, your cabinets, drawers, until you moved onto your bed next. you grabbed your pillow and threw it as your breath scurried away from you. tears filling your eyes as you destroyed everything in your path… until you found it. your cart, you yanked it towards you quickly. putting it to your mouth.
you opened your eyes, your breathing getting increasingly quicker as you stood up. “what the fuck? what the fuck.. what the fuck!” you shouted as you pulled your hair. you kicked your dresser as you rushed around your room. god, you ran into the bathroom. you looked through everything.. to find nothing. nothing, nothing, nothing.
more tears left your eyes, you sat against the wall as you banged your head against it. thinking, thinking, thinking.
you had no money— you had nothing. you couldn’t just call up a dealer. you had nothing. nothing…
your eyes shot open. you stood up quickly, looking around as you swallowed thickly.
you slowly made your way into your room, walking towards the closet as your hands shakily moved towards the knob. opening it slowly as you looked up at the upper shelf of your closet, there sat a gun. you stood on the tips of your toes grabbing it barely with the tips of your fingers as you brought it down.
you stared at it, taking a deep breath as you closed your eyes. shakily holding it up, you pointed it towards your head. closing your eyes slowly. god, you were so lost that you didn’t even notice..
“what the hell are you doing?” your eyes shot open. turning around quickly as you looked at the person.. yuji? your breath began to quicken again. and before you knew it you pointed the gun at him. “get out.” you muttered out.
his eyes widened. staring at you, his eyes darting from the gun and back to your face. he took a step back. “look— i.. i don’t know what happened out there, but i can help you. i really can.” he nodded his head as he took a step closer. “just.. please p—“ you interrupted him. aiming it straight at him, your tears drying. “don’t come any closer.” in which he nodded. “right..” he muttered as he held up his hands. “look, i promise. i can get you the help you need— anything just d..”
“stop acting like you’re my friend, yuji.”
“i said: Stop acting like you’re my friend.”
“i.. i am your friend. you’re mine.”
“we were never friends! i never asked you to be my friend— i never did! you just decided to come into my life!”
“you ruined it all! i felt so good.. so relieved.. so alone. and you came and ruined it!”
“you were already ruining yourself!”
“—and how would you have even noticed? you’ve never even spoken to me.”
“but i have. don’t you remember?”
“of course you don’t. when i said i knew you from high school— i didn’t just know you as that big shot on the girls baseball team. we met at a party— and we talked.. and.. we danced. but of course—“
“you would’ve remembered if you didn’t drown yourself in drugs every day and night.” he spat. your eyes widened. lowering the gun, only slightly.
that’s right.. that’s right.
the music was loud, you stood there in your short sparkly royal blue dress as you danced. your friends, people you didn’t know surrounded you as the music blasted. your friends giggled as you all danced, and shouted to communicate over the music.
you felt a bit dehydrated, as all you did was drink and dance. drink as in alcohol.
“i’m uh.. gonna go get a drink!” you shouted to your friends, in which they all nodded. as you pushed your way through the crowded room full of dancing high school students you walked over to the table full of foods, drinks, alcohol.. but you grabbed a water. twisting the top off as you brought it to your lips.
“fun party, right?” a male voice from behind you said. you turned around, a smile tugging at your lips. yuji itadori. “funny seeing you here.” you said with a soft chuckle. “but yeah, fun, i guess.” you replied.
you giggle to yourself as you tap your ear, the music blasting.
yuji chuckled to himself before taking a few steps closer, “i said you look good!” he said with a smile as he stared at you.
you stared at him, a bit surprised by the compliment before smiling. “thank you, yuji.” you said softly, staring up at him.
the two standing in front of each other with soft gazes.
now stare at each other in fear, confusion, and despair.
“please.” yuji says again, “put the gun down.” his voice breaking a bit. and all you do is stare, the tears welling up in your eyes as you just collapse onto the floor. sobbing like a child. the gun beside you, but not in your possession.
and without hesitation itadori runs towards you, kneeling down as he helps you up slightly. “it’s okay, don’t cry, don’t cry.” his voice soft, he wipes your tears with care as you sit up on your knees. holding you in his arms as he sits on his own knees. “i’m here.” he says softly.
“i’m sorry, yuji.” you choke out as he wipes your tears, staring at him as he holds you in his arms.
“i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.” you sob out.
he lets out a heavy sigh. “i’ll be here with you, okay?” he pulls you closer to him. and you let him. your head lay against his chest, he leans back against the foot of your bed. holding you close to him as he tilts his head back. stroking your hair as you sob into his chest.
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