The nail in the coffin.
Welp. I find myself here.
I tried LiveJournal cause that’s what i remember being a blog way back when, but that place seems dead and gone, and all the way out. Hello tumblr!
I’m at a loss for words right now in real life, so I felt the need to output them somewhere else.
Let me just start by saying.. I must be a self-sabotaging asshole. It’s been about five years now that i’ve put myself through sticky situationssss. And i’ve just found out the worst of it.
I am a singer, a writer, an all around creative. But i’ve lost almost all sense of creative drive, due to the positions i’ve put myself in. What the fuck.
So... i am now resorting to finding a place where i can at least write down my thoughts anonymously (at least for now), and whoever reads it reads it. Or maybe no one will. I don’t care.
I’m sighing hard right now in the middle of Pie Hole (yes, yes, a place that serves all kinds of pies), and listening to a song I recorded on repeat. That may seem all too narcissistic of me, but I connect to it, i wrote it. It’s beautiful and making me feel like trash over and over again.
Masochism at it’s finest.
Me and my ex-bf broke up about 5 months ago. And.......................
2 DAYS AGO I GOT A SOLID CONFESSION FROM A GIRL THAT SHE SLEPT WITH HIM LAST YEAR AROUND THIS TIME WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER AND I KNEW THAT I WOULD FIND OUT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS EVENTUALLY BUT I REFUSED TO LEAVE HIS PIECE OF SHIT ASS BEHIND BECAUSE I TRIED TO BELIEVE HE WOULDN’T ACTUALLY DO THAT SHIT TO ME (key words: “to me”.) AND I WAS WRONG AND IVE NEVER FOUND OUT IVE BEEN CHEATED ON BEFORE AND THIS IS VERY UNFORTUNATE BECAUSE HE IS THE FIRST IDIOT MAN OR WOMAN THAT I HAVE WHOLEHEARTEDLY NOT CHEATED ON AT ALL.
And no. I was not a serial cheater. Just young before, and didn’t know how to leave my relationships when it was time to move on. So i had two solid relationships prior to this that took me knowing it was over but needing to find outside pull to really leave it and move forward. And i still feel guilty about it. And someday I hope I can be truthful. But a further explanation will come later.
With him, (said piece of shit) I consciously made the effort to never get to that point. And i didn’t.
And now i realize, with this most recent confession, that he had been cheating on me the whole time.
He also accused me of doing most of the shit he was probably doing. And called me crazy when i did the same back... because deep down i knew.
Funny how life works ain’t it?
I think from here on out, I’m going to start to relive my entire life thus far in writing so I can start figuring myself out.
And why i keep doing this to myself.
I want to be successful, and i would love to get to a place that i can feel real love, happiness, and success.
I’m sick of this depressing shit.
I start therapy next week.
I hope i can start writing music again soon.
I have a doctor’s appointment for my throat tomorrow.
We will get back to the throat problems once we get back here in the timeline.
I would say I love you, but right now i gotta say i love myself. I think i need it.