levi didn’t understand. he couldn’t understand. sure, he didn’t expect a positive reaction from this but… was bennett even listening to him at all? “but bennett–” he began, only to be cut off by his boyfriend’s words, sharp, harsh and levi wish he could rewind back time to five minutes ago when they were making out on the couch. his eyebrows furrowed together, watching bennett shake and all levi wanted to do is reach out and hold him, comfort him in any way he can. protect him from harm. but how could he possibly protect the one he loved from getting hurt when he was the one hurting the one he loved. “bennett,” he tried again, resisting the urge to reach out knowing that bennett will just recoil from his touch. “i do love you, i didn’t– i wasn’t lying when i told you that.” he tried to reason, his voice thick with tears, “bennett, i’m a liar, i know, i haven’t given you reason to believe anything else but believe me when i said i fucking love you more than anything, more than anyone… more than her.” he watched bennett, the redness in his wet eyes. he looked so tired, so done and that’s what scared levi the most. “ because i liked you bennett, from that time we bumped into each other in that coffee shop, i felt connected to you – it sounds sappy as fuck but it’s true, and i know you felt it too benny.” his voice cracked as he moved closer, reaching to touch bennett’s face with his hand. “i never used you…” he took a deep breath, “not… knowingly, anyway. yes, i wanted to get over her but i liked you and i didn’t want my love for her to stop me from trying to find someone.” he attempted to explain, knowing he was only just digging himself a bigger hole. he shook his head, the tears spilling from his green irises, thick and fast. “fucking hell benny, i do love you. i mean that. i love you so fucking much that’s why i’m telling you this.” he paused, cupping his cheeks, tilting bennett’s chin so they could finally make eye contact. “i hoped you’d know me well enough to know i’m that that person – i would never use you or manipulate you, babe. and you– you’re one of the best people i know and it fucking sucks that you keep beating yourself down like this. the truth is benny, i don’t deserve you. i never did and i– i realize that. you deserve–” his breath caught his his throat and he choked back a sob. “fuck– bennett you deserve someone who can give you all their love, not just a portion of it, you deserve someone who isn’t so fucked up. so please, please don’t cry over me. i’m not deserving of you tears, benny.” his breathing hitched again. “and you can say whatever you want. i’m a piece of shit, i’m an asshole but, fuck, i loved you a lot bennett and if there’s one thing i want you to take away from this is the fact that i fucking loved you every single day and my love only grew stronger.”
bennett swallowed hard as he tried to differentiate between his thoughts and reality. his mind always had a way of twisting things and spinning them until he destroyed everything around him and was left with nothing, darkness. he was a black hole, sucking the life out of everything including himself. these thoughts, they were what broke him more than anything else he’d faced in his lifetime. then there was what was presented before him in the words levi was speaking. the words he wasn’t sure he could trust. though, he wasn’t sure if that was because once again his head told him not too, that he was undeserving of such things or because it was utter bullshit. “if you loved me more than her we wouldn’t be here right now, would we? be honest with me, if she wanted to be with you right now-- if she offered you the chance to be with her, would you? would you forget everything we had and pick mia? because you can’t have us both levi, it’s me or it’s her.” he stated, brushing the moisture from his face. god, he was a fucking mess. he hated this. bennett hated that he’d let his guard down and allowed himself to be vulnerable. it never did him any good. he was ready to build his walls back up. the year was almost finished and he could easily hide himself away, he’d done it before. it was only a couple months until summer vacation and then he really wouldn’t have to face anyone at all. but now was not the time to focus on what he was going to do, first he needed to listen to the boy who still had a firm grip on his heart. bennett loved him, he didn’t have any doubts about it and perhaps that was what hurt the most. despite the way every bone in his body seemed to ache, his heart still hammered at levi’s touch. he still craved being closer. bennett wanted to reach out and wipe the tears off the other’s male’s face and bring back his smile but his heart and his head were telling him two very different things. “fuck you-- you can’t break my heart and then say shit like that. it’s not fair, nothing about this is fucking fair.” bennett sniffled as he slowly stepped out of levi’s touch. more than anything he wanted to stay there and let the other take away his pain, but he can’t-- he has to learn to deal with the hurt on his own. “loved, you loved me in the past tense. i-- i think you should go.” he can’t do it anymore, he can’t stand there and listen to the other male tell him that he loved him when all that’s in the back of his mind is the ways he could have been better ( the ways he could have been more like mia ). “please leave, i can’t-- i want to be alone.”
