BDSM Direct @bdsm-direct-blog - Tumblr Blog

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Little Brains Are Busy Places

One of the most common questions I’ve been asked by my Vanilla friends about Cg/l (or D/s in general) is why someone would want to be told what to do by someone else. It’s a really understandable question because it would seem that having someone tell you what you can or can’t do, what you can and can’t eat, and even what clothes to wear would be anathema to the concept of a strong, independent person. Vanilla culture praises the people who take orders from nobody and who don’t have to have some overseer to approve of their choices and validate their worth. Why, then, would someone seek out a person and intentionally give them this power?

In order to understand why someone would seek a power exchange relationship, you have to have an understanding of what is actually taking place. The best place to begin is to look at the person giving up the power - in this case, littles (since that’s my area of interest). Please note that this is general information, and won’t apply to every little out there.

As the title suggests, the mind of a little is a very busy, chaotic place. The world around them is big, mean, and sometimes senseless. Even littles who have been very successful in their careers and who have their lives sorted out can be fatigued by the randomness and the cruelty around them. They are besieged by people and things that demand their attention and require them to make decisions. For even the most badass of littles, this can begin to wear on them.

Adding to all of the external pressure is the internal struggles that they face. Maybe it’s remembering to eat healthy foods, take their meds, and get plenty of sleep and exercise. Perhaps it’s the struggle to keep up with the housework and to stay on top of their hobbies, or maybe it’s added focus they require in order to power through tough homework assignments or to do the big things they need to do. Willpower is a rare commodity for most people, and littles are no exception here.

See, being a Daddy Dom/Caregiver is not about being a dictator or a tyrant, but rather, a partner and a coach. It’s about forming a relationship that is designed around meeting the needs of all parties and formulating and implementing strategies for overcoming challenges and accomplishing goals. The only power that is given is that which is acceptable to everyone, and the rules that are put into place are agreed upon by all parties instead of implemented unilaterally. There is a reason and a purpose behind everything, and these are discussed beforehand and revised later as needed.

Structure, Discipline, Rules, Tasks, Rituals - these are more than just buzzwords and catchphrases; they are the tools and the mechanisms we use to achieve the goals that we set. When a little feels owned, it isn’t because they have been objectified and dehumanized, but because of the combination of care and respect they’ve been given, as well as the responsibility and consistency demonstrated by their Dom. It is a feeling that can go deeper than simply being loved, because of the focus and continuing effort required.

Rules and Tasks are the framework for Structure. They define the behaviors that will lead to the desired outcomes as well as the actions necessary to get there. Through Rewards and Punishments, we seek to direct them towards the beneficial behaviors and away from the detrimental ones (some littles are what I call “self-punishing”, while others do not respond well to punishments, so not all dynamics use overt forms of punishment). Rituals produce a sense of calm and predictability and help the little to feel safe and settled. Protocols preserve the respect in the dynamic and help to reinforce the deference and respect within the relationship.

We Caregivers/Doms use these tools to help lighten the loads carried by our littles. With so many things going on in their lives, we become a force of calm and of strength. We handle the decisions they don’t want to have to make, and we use our constant and consistent presence in their lives to help them stay strong when their willpower begins to flag. Through our encouragement and guidance, we help them to realize their potential and avoid the distractions and pitfalls they might otherwise fall prey to.

Little brains are busy places, but the space we create for them is one of peace amongst the chaos and of quiet amidst the noise. That relationship is like a Zen garden they can retreat to when the rigors of life become too great a burden to bear. When you take those burdens away from them, you can see and feel the sense of relief. The light and the life comes rushing back to them when they have a chance to set those things aside and to dwell within that space, and that is the reward that keeps me going.

Until next time!

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Signs of a fantastic Dom

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

They respect your hard limits. Doms know hard limits don’t mean “convince me”. They know to stay the fuck away from hard limits with a ten foot freaking pole.

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Yup… my Daddy

pleasurewhore-deactivated201802

Dominant, or Domineering?

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor. A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and “I love when you gag on me”. A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place. A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected. A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program. A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family. A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do. A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up. A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.

Do all domineering men do all of the things I stated? No, it’s not that simple, but they’re good reference points. It’s about intent. A domineering man is out to fulfill his own desires, and a Dominant man gains his pleasure from successfully providing for the needs and desires of both parties. Will Dominant men sometimes say the things domineering men do? Yes! But domineering men will not also behave as Dominant men do, because Dominant men have broader goals. A Dominant man will but his desires above yours, but he will never put his desires above your needs.

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Dominant men have patience, a work ethic, and a sense of forward thinking in the management of their own lives that domineering men usually lack. It’s not normally a difference that can be spotted immediately or from the surface, unfortunately. An interested submissive will have to get to know a man’s intent and maybe even some of his history instead of merely observing action/behavior/physical appearance alone. This takes time and effort. This is why vetting is important. For instance…both a domineering man and a dominant man could be super into physical fitness. Maybe even both of them seem a little vain about it. Through (careful, guarded) interaction with them about their focus on diet and exercise (their OWN, not yours…they aren’t your dominant yet…please don’t ask/let a man be your dominant without knowing them on at least a greater than superficial level first), a submissive can get context for why they focus on it. His replies to comments like, ‘So I guess you work out a lot,’ will reveal these things. A domineering man wants to look good to get dates; wants to be strong to intimidate or overpower or impress. He places a heavy value on his appearance and how he presents to other people and will probably place yours at a premium too. He’ll value your surface over your substance because he values his surface over his substance. He likes showing off and outdoing other people at the weight stacks. He likes bragging about how many races he’s run and how many people he bested when he ran them. He likes comparing himself to other people to show he’s superior. He likes showing off his body for the praise of how it looks. He wants accolades for the results, even if his ‘results’ are attained by unhealthy practices like taking anabolic steroids or malnutrition or he’s using photo editing software on his selfies. He’ll be disappointed if his selfies don’t get his requisite positive attention. A dominant man, completing the same rigid personal program, who has the same six-pack abs and bench press number, and maybe even the same penchant for taking a lot of selfies, will more likely talk about how he used to feel weak/was unhappy with how his clothes fit/had a specific health issue/has a family history of a certain health issue, and decided to improve himself/give himself more options/be proactive about his future health prognosis. He might talk about races he’s run, but he’ll say he does this half marathon every year for <charity> because his childhood best friend had <disease> and it raises money for research. He’ll talk about being driven to accomplish goals and see results and he likes the tangibility of how much weight he can lift or beating his last run time/increase his weekly distance. He only compares himself to his former self. He likes the praise he gets for *how much dedication and self-control it took to achieve the look.* The accolades he wants the most are the ones about *his hard work.* And maybe, he won’t even want praise. He might just want a document of his progress for his own reference.

Often the differences are very subtle from the surface, but they are glaring on the inside of a relationship.

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In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust I Kneel

SCC Prompt: Reflect on Kneeling. Is it something you or your partner enjoy? How does it feel?

It is in perfect love and perfect trust I kneel. To reflect on this has brought me to a place where all is silent, where my currently turbulent world has come to a standstill, and my mind has shifted in crystal clarity to the moment I went to my knees before my Master for the first time. The way I felt then: calm, content, and yet with a storm brewing inside of me like the distant rumbles of thunder on a darkened night when your only company is that of mother nature herself.

It is something both My Daddy and I enjoy, but it is something I yearn for everytime I hear His voice, every time the ghostly reminders of His touch haunts me... the feel of Him, the scent of Him, His overwhelmingly quiet strength that reminds me that I belong to Him. Kneeling in and of itself is a powerful aphrodisiac, not just to my Master, but to me. It is Home. Not just in a sense of belonging, but in the same way that you feel when you return to your birth home... the scents surround you, the warmth and love blanket you in security.

Even now the simple thought of kneeling before Him awakens desires and a soul shattering longing. Daddy and I are currently Long Distance, and it is moments like this I find the hardest. Moments when I NEED Him the most, when all I desire is to be at His feet to remind Him that I am His. To feel His hand move into and through my hair... His favorite way of quietly stating His ownership. Being on my knees for my Daddy is the most freeing thing in the world. With the amount of stress I am under right now I wish I could be kneeling next to him, feeling that strong and powerful hand gliding through my hair, that quiet reminder of "You are safe Doll, Daddy has you, and your only purpose right now is to surrender."

That reminder right there is why I kneel, the feelings above describes what I feel, but only Daddy knows and feels the soul surrender I give Him each time I remove my armor of day to day, and quietly kneel before him giving up my Boss title to be simply His Doll.

#bdsm direct #principles of bdsm #trust

#bdsm direct #branding

#bdsm direct #terms to know #agoraphilia

dominantlife

Updated Library For Kinksters

I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…

Aftercare

Aftercare 101

Aftercare For Dominants

Coping With Emotional Subdrop

Dom Drop

How To Make A Sub Drop Kit

Online Aftercare

sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

Subdrop and Aftercare

Subspace and Aftercare

Consent

Consent & BDSM

Guide to Consent

Doms, Daddies & Masters

7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom

12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive

25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles

30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman

45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For

50 Rules for Daddies

100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess

101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)

Alternative Names For “Daddy”

Alternative Domme Titles

Aspects Of Control

Asserting Ownership - Rules

Daddy Up!

Defining A Daddy Dom

Dominants Need Training Also

Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles

Help For New Doms

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive

How To Be A Good Dominant

How to Find a Submissive

Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man

New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom

Observations On Doms By A Submissive

So you want to be a Dom?

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her

Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know

The Dom Commandments

Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind

What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective

What does the title Daddy mean?

What is a Daddy Dom?

What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?

What It Means To Be A Dominant

What Makes A Good Dominant

Littles, Subs & Slaves

6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant

7 Common Types of Submissives

10 Tips For Living With A Sadist

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant

26 Baby Girl Jobs

50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy

A Bottom’s Responsibility

A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive

A Man Who Knows You…

A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom

Acid Test For Subs

Ask A Million And One Questions

Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective

Baby girl or little? A brief introduction

Care and feeding of Daddies

Characteristics Of A Good Daddy

Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner

Feminist Submissive

Finding Your Dominant

Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By

Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls

How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.

“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.

How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?

How To Find A Dom

How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom

I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy

Novice Submissives

Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK

Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’

Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.

Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts

Submissive Pride

Submissive Traits - Intelligence

Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me

What is a Little?

When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.

Why I call him Daddy

Your Rights As A Submissive

Long Distance Relationships

10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship

Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship

How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work

Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope

Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans

The Long Distance D/s Relationship

Mental Health

BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers

Body image & BDSM

How to Get Over Feeling Sad

Is BDSM normal?

Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!

Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship

Meditation And Mindfulness

On Cutting

Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories

Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction

Tips for Recovering from Codependency

What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)

Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

Relationships

10 Habits of Happy Couples

10 Top Communication Mistakes

10 Types of Emotional Manipulators

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”

BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways

Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective

Communication Is Key

Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships

Daddy Doms and their little girls

Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More

Date Night In A Jar

DD/lg In Public

D/s and Domestication

Factors That Make A Relationship

Finding Love When You Least Expect It

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

How To Be Present In Your Relationships

How To Build A Healthy Relationship

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship

Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

Searching for a D/s partner?

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships

Stop Arguments Before They Start

The Rewards of a Submissive

Types Of Relationship Insecurity

Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

What Is Real Love?

When He Doesn’t Call

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Safety

Another life ruined because of the morality police

Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!

Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t

Limits in BDSM

What is Emotional Abuse?

Self Improvement

10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life

10 Steps To Self Care

10 Ways To Be Happy

10 Truths To Live By

Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive

How to be Yourself

How To Deal With Your Enemies

How To Ignore Haters

How to Recognize a Toxic Friend

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Slut Shaming Explained

Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?

Sex

50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women

Basics of Breath Play

D/s or Kinky Sex?

Fetishes Explained

How To Make A Girl Squirt

How To Tell Your Son About Sex

Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality

Sensual Biting

Sex: Myths & Stereotypes

Sex: Practical Details

Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control

So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women

Squirting Educational Video

Squirting Notes

Toys

Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs

BDSM on a budget

Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)

Training

10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs

30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten

40 Very Important DD/lg Facts

Age Play: A Short Guide

BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play

DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

Etiquette in BDSM Part 1

Etiquette in BDSM Part 2

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind

Glossary of BDSM Terms

Guide To Blood Play

Guide To Bruising

Guide To Talking Dirty

Guide To Wax Play

How Do I Get Started In BDSM?

How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest

How To Make A Comfort Box

Introduction To BDSM

Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting

Punishments in BDSM Relationships

Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships

Some Thoughts On Rules

The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility

The Need For Rules and Discipline

Topping from the bottom

dragonreineold

Important info TBH, whether for actual kinksters, or for smut writers writing about characters who are into BDSM.

pleasurewhore-deactivated201802

Determination

Submission, and Dominance for that matter, while inbred, don’t come naturally. Now don’t mistake my meaning here, I believe submissives and Dominants are born this way, as much as people are born with blue eyes or brown. The innate desire to lead, or to follow, is not a choice, but the acts of submission and dominance are not innate, they are learned.

Take sex for example, you can know that you want it, that it is something you need in your life, but learning to have fulfilling sex is a journey, not a single act. And so it is for D/s. You can take a submissive or a Dominant as your own, but that doesn’t complete your journey any more than losing your virginity makes you a master of sex. There is always more to learn.

And you know what? It’s not fucking easy. You’re going to screw up. Probably a lot. You’ll hurt the person you love and it’s going to be soul crushing. They’re going to hurt you too, and you’ll probably be blindsided. You’ll learn and grow, and if you’re anything like me, sometimes you’ll look at the trail of mistakes behind you and you’ll wonder if maybe you aren’t meant for this after all. That maybe you aren’t really submissive because you seem to fail a lot, or that maybe you aren’t really a Dominant because you seem to hurt your sub even when it’s the last thing you want.

But here’s the thing… Dominance and submission are innate desires, but learning to fulfill those desires takes work. Learning to serve your partner, fulfill their needs, and make sure that your own are met, requires determination and effort. Wanting something, truly deeply wanting it, even needing it, doesn’t mean you know how to get it.

You have to be willing to pick yourself back up when you fall. It doesn’t mean you weren’t made for this. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a ‘true’ submissive or a Dominant. It means that if you want it badly enough, you’ll muster the strength to learn.

belfast62

Another person I will always reblog……

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I strive every day to be a good dom. Maybe I'm just not dominant enough but I'm having trouble connecting with a submissive. I'm not sure if I'm doing something fatally wrong as I am new to this lifestyle. Any help or advice u could offer would be greatly appreciated

This is one of the most common questions I get asked, so first just know that you’re not alone in this.

The phrase “maybe I’m not dominant enough” makes me think you are probably making one of the biggest mistakes that new doms on the scene make. See, it’s not about displaying dominance. It’s about showing that you’re someone worth submitting to.

Actively trying to display dominance often has the opposite of the intended effect, especially when you don’t really know someone. It comes across as laughably childish and poorly conceived, an idea that stereotypical “alpha” behavior is what attracts submissives. I can tell you for sure that this isn’t the case.

Every submissive partner I’ve had has sought me out. I am not in the habit of approaching people. Most of them didn’t even know I was into kink or identified as dominant until they asked. It’s not something I go around broadcasting.

I was always curious about what it was about me, specifically, that made submissives look at me and go “that’s a dom”. So I asked. I’ve asked every single submissive partner I’ve had what made them seek me out.

I expected some of them to say it was about my look. I’m a broad shouldered, barrel chested, square jawed old fighter and I know that appeals to some people. But not a single one of them said it was my look.

I expected some of them to say it was about my presence; I walk the earth like a man who fears nothing and it’s noticeable. But nobody said it was about my presence.

I expected some of them to say it was my drive; I finished my MBA at the top of my class and have a reputation in my field for being someone who gets things done in ways most people never will. But none of them said it was about my drive.

The answers I got from all of them were nearly identical: They saw the quiet confidence with which I held myself. They heard a humble certainty in my words. They observed that I always did what I said I was going to do and always treated people with kindness, regardless of who they were or what they did. They saw that I lived mindfully and put a great deal of thought and consideration into the way I spoke to people. That I put others before myself. That I genuinely cared about the well-being of everyone in my life.

And I know this isn’t an answer that most who have this same question will like. Because there isn’t a big, easy “NOTICE ME” flag you can fly here. The way, the ONLY way is a long journey of self-improvement. Because all the cockiness or bravado in the world isn’t going to make anyone want to kneel. If that were the case, every Frat Bro in the world would be a dom. The only thing that makes someone want to kneel to you is for them to look at you and know that you are someone they can believe in.

I hope this helps.

-LMS

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I really wanna put my perspective in on this because honestly this hits the nail on the head.

I’m a newer sub in the lifestyle, I’ve only known about it for about 3 years and realized I was a little for maybe 2. I’ve never had a Dom, never been mentored by one, nor even really pursued one in any light (except maybe a couple little crushes, but nothing serious). I’ve been taking the time to discover everything I can about myself on my own, before I dive into it even further with a Dominant.

But with every genuine Dom I find, it’s not a bright neon sign that flashes “Hey, I’m a Dom” or “Hey, submit to me I’m big and intimidating and tough.”

Rather, it’s the higher level of respect each one holds, even some of the newer ones, for everyone. It’s taking the time to talk to you, interact with you, get to know you, without immediately expecting submission and obedience. It’s the gentle but firm tone they have, leaving you knowing that they’re steady and confident in themselves. It’s the care they have for you as an individual, especially if you get close, always watching out for you and protecting you but never flaunting it and making it known. It’s the patience when you’re not acting your best and you could be nicer. It’s the silly side that comes out when you just wanna goof around and make each other laugh. It’s the switch back to being serious when they have to be, without a moments notice.

It’s the stuff you don’t see, but we do. It’s the kindness, the care, the respect that a submissive feels around a dominant. No matter if it’s our friend or our partner. It’s always there, always making us feel safe and secure. Always inspiring us to keep bettering ourselves just like you do. Always making life just a little bit easier to live. I would take sitting in a room full of my Dom friends, just messing about and discussing whatever may come up, than with my vanilla friends. Because it’s that feeling that you get in your soul, that no matter what, you’re safe. And it’s the most comforting feeling I’ve ever had.

It’s not how you look, or what career you have, or how driven and passionate you are. It’s how you treat us, it’s how you respect us, it’s how you care for us, it’s how you love us. It’s everything you wouldn’t expect it to be.

And there’s so much more, I’m still trying to put my finger on it myself. But that’s what I see, anyway.

lovemysub-deactivated20250527

Reposting for @cutie-jpg-doc-pdf ’s addition because it comes from the perspective of an actual submissive and because frankly they explained what I was trying to say better than I did.

-LMS

instructor144

All of this ^^^

submissive-seeking

Gay folk have “gaydar” and I can feel “command presence” in the same way.

A brief description of COMMAND PRESENCE for the Dominant ….

**The term “command presence” is a military phrase which describes someone whose demeanor, nothing more than their mere presence, leaves no doubt they are someone to be respected. As a leader, have you developed this type of presence? When you walk into a room does anyone notice? When you speak does anyone listen? When you give direction is it trusted, respected and followed? Do you inspire confidence and engender credibility with those whom you come into contact with? Are people not only willing to be led by you, but proud to be led by you? Developing a presence as a leader is far more than just the attitude you bring to the game, it’s about the combination of trust, charisma, character, integrity, knowledge and experience that separates true leaders from the masses. Again, to be clear, leadership has little to do with needing to be the center of attention, but it has a lot to do with being able to attract, direct and maintain attention when needed.**(By Mike Hyatt)

This is a powerful lesson for submissives. True Dominance isn’t only visible in the dungeon. It is always present. Learn to see the traits. Watch for the telltale signs of command presence.

unalignedmind

THIS IS IT

her-little-one

I like punishment!

I got into a conversation with a vanilla friend, who knows about my lifestyle because they were curious once and I love educating. They asked about punishment the other day because they go on the internet too and was in a rabbit hole.

“Does this really happen? It would make me feel like a child. You must hate it,” essentially how the conversation started, and what inspired this post. Because I told her I love punishment. Not funishment ( though I love that as well), but behavior correcting punishment. Well, not punishment itself. It’s terrible knowing i let myself and my Sir down. I absolutely hate that feeling. But I love everything around it.

I grew up in an environment that was never consistent, where I didnt know what would get me in trouble. Where one thing was fine one day and the exact same thing would be punished. I never knew what those punishments would be and I never knew if they would actually be carried out. Nothing was ever forgiven, I had to listen to every slight from the past 5 years every time I messed up. And it was everything. Rewards, moods, feelings, all changed day to day. No consistancy, no predictability.

Which is why I love punishment. And why i love D/s as a whole. I like being held accountable. I like that what I do and how I act is noticed and addressed consistantly. I like that we work together to agree on severity. I like that its predictable, a clear cause and effect. I like that I have a moment of atonement when I do break a rule. I love that I dont have to spend hours or days or weeks trying to make it all up and wondering if it’s enough. Is it too much? Have I found balance? I love that it gives us a clear moment when forgiveness happens, even if it’s a small silly thing of no consequence. I love that it builds trust. That I can trust that my Sir will do what he says he will. That I can trust he cares about us, our dynamic, and me.

So it’s not punishment that I like. It’s the structure and security it gives me.

yes-i-could-be-the-walrus-deact

Inspiring Trust

My ‘’Soft’ Leadership’ post got reblogged a lot on the old blog. On one of these reblogs, another submissive blogger (who is sadly no longer here…I miss pleasurewhore) echoed a line I wrote in it as particularly meaningful to her, and based on the amount of additional notes I got after that, it seemed to resonate with many others as well: “Sir inspires trust; trust inspires obedience.”

One of the additional notes I got from her reblog comments was from a dominant man, who asked a rhetorical question: “What do you need to do to inspire her trust?” We chatted for a minute or two, because while the question was just meant to be generally thought provoking, I do have an answer (at least for me).

Here’s how J inspires my trust (this is not an exhaustive list).

His integrity. This means he does what he says he’s going to do *every time.* If life prevents him from doing what he says he’s going to do, he makes it clear that it was life beyond his control. J is always real and sincere when this happens and it happens very rarely with him. I know life throws all of us the occasional curveball, and sometimes it even beans you with a pitch or two, but I have relationships with a lot of other people in my life who repeatedly make excuses for not doing what they said they were going to do. After a while, those things begin to sound either flaky and dishonest (I was sick…my car broke down…my dog got hit by a car…) or like uncanny unlucky coincidence. This is especially trust-killing when the excuse is vague (’something came up’). Don’t make commitments you really don’t intend to follow through with. Sir says what he means and means what he says. Telling someone ‘it’s fine,’ when it really pissed you off is *readable.* We’ve all done it and we all KNOW it’s readable. And while it’s almost always meant to be a pacifier, and I certainly can’t speak for all people or even all submissives here, to ME, that’s dishonesty, and it makes me not trust a person. When I can *tell* your words don’t match your feelings/actions, I feel like I’m being lied to. ‘I like the burned dinner you made,’ sounds romantic to some people, and that’s fair. Everyone’s situation and history with this is different, but if it’s a 'white’ lie meant to placate me, it never works. It makes me anxious. I just start thinking, “I know he really hates it. *I* hate it! There’s no way he really likes it. Why would he tell me he did?…” J’s not a yeller. He’s not a dramatic man. He’s not going to say 'This dinner is shit. Your ass looks fat in those jeans. I’m so pissed off at you for not getting the laundry folded I could break something…’ Those things might very well be TRUE thoughts in his head (I don’t think so, but I obviously can’t read his mind). But the calm, kind way he tells me *the same truth* is what earns trust. He’s not giving me pretty, consoling lies. He’s giving me softened truth (but it’s still *truth*.) “I appreciate the effort, peaches, but we should probably order a pizza.” “Those jeans aren’t my favorite. How about <this other thing I could wear>?” “I’m not happy about the laundry. Do I NEED to schedule your day up tighter?”

His consistency. Knowing after time how Sir responds to things have made the rare exceptions (see 'life’ ^^^ up there) way more easily accepted. I know now if J didn’t show up to a place on time, he *really was* caught in traffic. He is not jerking me around. Because he has shown up on time 12000 out of 12001 times, and he’ll show up on time the next 1000 times after the lateness, too. He has created an expected routine, and when he gets stuck troubleshooting or in a meeting and misses his regular ‘lunchtime’ text to me, I *know* he’s definitely stuck doing something unhappy at work. I don’t need to have that anxiety, because for 99 of the last 100 work days, I *did* get the lunchtime text. And I’ll likely get a ‘later in the afternoon’ text telling me about why I didn’t hear from him at lunch. I’ll *definitely* get an ‘on my way home’ phone call detailing his day. ‘Ugh. Worked through my lunch today…’ I know these things about Sir because he’s taken the time to establish a pattern and structure. Consistency definitely contributes to trust.

His patience and persistence. Especially with newness and failure. If he asks me for something (unless he got an obvious 'no fucking way; never gonna happen’), and he can tell I’m afraid, he waits and tries again…maybe with something less imposing or intimidating…sometimes waiting for a long time to progress further. For *years,* he brought up me publishing the things I wrote. He always got obvious fear and self-deprecation. “I get that you’re concerned about publishing a novel, peaches. How about you let <trusted friend> read <this one short story>?” *Good girl.* {years passed with this level of comfort} “Maybe you could post a short story up there for your tumblr friends.” *Good girl* {months passed…not *years* like the previous wait} As you may have noticed, there are 13 novels up on Amazon now and lots of short work up on my author page and more in fiction in the works, in addition to writing this blog AND the author blog. So that fear is gone. Sir never *pushed* or *forced* me or just published my work behind my back. He never *coerced* or badgered me to publish. He was patient and persistent. That inspires sooooooo much trust.

His attentiveness. Sir pays attention to me; even (maybe especially) the nonverbal communication. What are her favorite books/songs/foods/movies/TV shows…why does she like those things? Why are these people her friends? What does she like about them? What does she dream about? What is she really afraid of? How does she react when I say this? How does she react when I do this? What does she do when she’s happy/anxious/sad/angry/excited/calm and content? You can’t earn someone’s trust and anticipate need and correct or modify their behavior if you don’t know them and what makes them tick. You have to listen and be observant.

It should be noted here that someone with malicious intent can and often WILL show these same traits. ^^^^^ So I’m going to add one here… His caring and respect. Someone can pay attention to you, be patient and persistent, and act and speak with integrity and consistency, and *still* have selfish or even harmful motives. So while they are good indicators of a person deserving of trust, they aren’t the only requirements. Caring and respect are maybe the most important and least talked about ‘tells’ of an *ethical* dominant, and a huge factor in earning and maintaining trust. Caring and respect color all of the other traits. Technically, ‘Your ass looks fat in those jeans,’ and, ‘This dinner is shit,’ are statements made with integrity. But truths said without consideration of the reaction of the receiver would cause me (and I’d wager others) not to trust someone. I could still trust them in the sense that I believed what they said was true for them, but I couldn’t trust them to try new things; to open up and be emotionally or physically vulnerable; to share my material assets, because I’d feel they didn’t care how I felt and didn’t respect me. I’d feel like their association with me was ‘all about them.’ And many submissives do skew toward service and making things ‘all about others,’ so it’s important to note that an ethical dominant will CARE ABOUT and RESPECT you…your time, your abilities, your feelings, your limits. Paying attention to a person’s hopes and dreams and fears and preferences in order to manipulate them instead of improve their life or comfort them isn’t trustworthy, even though it’s still paying attention. Being consistently rude or irrationally demanding isn’t trustworthy, even though it’s still being consistent. Being patient and persistent to get something you want for yourself is alright, but if it’s the *only* time you offer a submissive patience and persistence, and you are never focused on what they need or want for themselves, that’s not trustworthy.

So these are the things that, for me, inspire trust. Sir inspires trust; trust inspires obedience.

conclusivechaos

Lessons Learned from a New Submissive

You know what the world really needs? A “How-to Guide for New Submissives.” Or a “How Not-To Guide” or something… anything… that explicitly lays out things that I wish I knew starting out as a new submissive. I’ve spent a great deal of time reading, interpreting, learning… And my journey is really just beginning. However, I wanted to share some of my observations up to this point in hopes that maybe this helps others as they are starting out as a newbie. These are my experiences, thoughts, opinions… And because there is such an amazing community here, please help!! What have I missed or gotten wrong?! I’m shamelessly tagging the experts @instructor144 @a-ds-archive @bellandherbeast @reflectedtruthsblog @nyxidervish @amysubmits @danipup @dinodaddy @goodgirlsdoresearch @submissive-seeking @magpie-69 @thegingerpowers @kitty-chronicles @delightfulsubgirl @houseofsirdragon and I know there are others and I’m shitty at tagging so please forgive me and drag them in to this conversation… In no particular order:

It’s not just all about the sex. It will often feel like it is. Don’t get me wrong, most people like sex. But the depth and breadth of the type of relationship D/s is? It’s not about sex. It’s about connection. Intimacy. Trust. Devotion. Dedication. Safety. Love. Growth. Challenge.

You will get a lot of Dominants just looking for sex. It’s inevitable.

There is such a continuum on the D/s spectrum that there is no one right “way” to do it. You’ve just got to figure out what it is that you want. I have lovely friends who just like the kinky side of D/s; they don’t need or want D/s outside of the bedroom or all the time. They like to hop into roles, have a good time, and go back to regular life. I’ve let go of judging; to each their own. As long as it’s consensual, sane, safe, and agreed upon. Just because it is not my preference does not mean I need to criticize. Nor does what other people are doing have to be the way I do it.

You will have moments of being grossed out by what people are into. You will also have moments of horror at yourself because you’re horrified at what’s turning you on. Both are normal. I won’t “yuck someone’s yum;” I don’t have to engage it in. If it makes them happy, I’m happy for them.

Know yourself. Trust yourself. Be true to yourself. Let go of thinking of how you “should” act. I think this was one of my biggest recent realizations. Submission is a lot of work AND in the right context, it’s effortless. I got myself into a situation a few weeks ago where I didn’t listen to my gut, I didn’t trust my internal alarms, and I am still reeling a bit from it. I should have set limits but I was worried I was “topping from the bottom” or “not doing submissive right” so I didn’t. Fuck that. Trust yourself. You know you better. Communicate, explain, share with your Dominant. And if they respond poorly you’ve got your answer about their level of maturity and commitment.

Ask every damn question you can possible think of and any one that crosses your mind. Do not filter your questions. Ask. Ask. Ask. Every damn one of them. I didn’t do this at times until too late and it did not help anything along. Don’t care about being perceived as rude or disrespectful (but don’t be rude in the way you ask it… that’s different). No good Dominant will ever be offended by a genuine question.

Ask if they are married. Ask if their partner knows. Ask to speak to their partner to verify. I have met a wide range of wonderful polyamorous Dominants who had no issue with me talking to their significant other(s). If they are truly on the up and up, this is a basic understanding. One of the most pleasant dinners I’ve ever had was with the Dominant I was dating and his wife.

When you first meet someone, they shouldn’t bruise you. In fact, they shouldn’t really touch you without permission. You’re not their plaything, they don’t own you. This one was from super early into my foray and learned real fast that I was not okay with it. A potential Dominant will be respectful, kind, and gentle. Be wary of anyone that gets rough immediately. It doesn’t matter that I’m a submissive or a masochist. Red flag. Run.

It’s okay to be conservative. I have never been a sexually open person. I didn’t hook-up in high school, I didn’t have sex until I was 19. My sex life up until about a year ago was vanilla. I don’t actually take any of that lightly. It’s symbolic and valuable to me; it’s a piece of me I share. It’s also new and scary. There were times where I did more than I wish I had and regretted it. I’ve committed to myself that I won’t make-out or hook-up with someone unless my heart is fully in it. I don’t care what they want; I don’t care what it makes me look like. I’m happy to be called a prude or tease. I know that when that part of me is let out, it will be a sensuous delight.. but it needs to be done with the right person in the right context or I’m just disrespecting myself.

Don’t deal with pushy or demanding. I have an immediate reaction to someone pushing my limit – NO. And I think this is needed when first meeting someone. I’ve noticed, over time, that as the relationship deepens and I feel like I can trust the other person, that word rarely shows up. However, I think that’s because I’m starting to feel safe and they have also done things to prove to me that I can trust them. When I forcibly suppress “no” I am setting myself up for trouble.

Being submissive does not equal being easy. Just because I’m a submissive it does not mean a Dominant gets to push me around, push my limits, or disrespect me when I don’t do what they want. We just met. I’m not owned by them. I haven’t offered my submission. They are not “trying me on” to see how submissive I am. And I’ve been called out for “not being a real submissive” in these instances. No, actually. I am. I’m just not your submissive and therefore will not be acting like it.

Don’t get stuck in the “sunk costs” fallacy. Just because you’ve put in a great deal of time and effort into something does not mean it is healthy or a good fit. Get out if you need to.

Say no. Often. More than you think you’re going to need to. I let many things get further than I wanted them to because I was afraid of saying no because I felt like I “shouldn’t” if I was being properly submissive. Say no. Often. A good Dominant will stop and ask what is going on; they are not offended by it. Often, they respond with concern. This is really important at the beginning of a relationship.

This one is from @instructor144: “he should know where you went to college before he knows if you like anal.” No lie. This is true. Start the basis of a solid D/s on a bedrock of an actual relationship. Talk about favorite movies, share childhood stories, discuss favorite vacations. Talk about hopes and dreams. Be friends. Don’t start a D/s with someone you wouldn’t be friends with. You’ll never trust them; you’ll never get to the depth of what’s needed (unless that’s what you’re looking for and that’s okay too – not everyone wants the same type of relationship). I don’t want to pretend D/s; I want to live it… this means I have to connect with my Dominant. I have to like them. I have to respect them. I have to know what they stand for and who they are about. Otherwise, it’ll fail.

Never settle. I kept putting up with more than I should have at the beginning because I was so afraid that I wouldn’t find another Dominant who liked me. And yes, the search does get exhausting and draining at times. However, don’t do it. Don’t settle. Wait for the one who meets your highest expectations, not your bare minimum ones.

If something doesn’t feel right, stop it. Immediately. It doesn’t matter what it is and why. Don’t get in your head about it. If it doesn’t feel right, stop it.Talk about it. Don’t run away. But don’t continue.

Never push yourself beyond your limits because you’re afraid of disappointing your Dominant. This one was a tough learning lesson; I kept thinking about what I “should” be acting like, what I “should” be doing. I kept thinking it was mostly in my head and that if I just did it I would get over it. Nope. Nopers. Nope times a million. If you’re not there, you’re not there. The guilt can be challenging but it’s not justified; a good Dominant would rather stop than cause harm that they didn’t even know about. And if they get angry because you wouldn’t do something? Find a different Dominant.

Make sure you are on the same page. This can be anywhere from whether you are looking for in-the-bedroom to whether you’re into impact play. It doesn’t matter. You won’t find a “perfect” fit but you’ll want to be similar enough.

Talk often. Check-in. Recently I made a ton of assumptions about a Dominant’s level of knowledge; it did not go well. I’ve learned to not assume anything, ask lots of questions, and share my concerns.

Know your preferences. They are okay to have. I, for example, learned that I’m incredibly incompatible with switches. I don’t have a Domme bone in my body and that might lead to someone feeling unfulfilled down the line. I want a 24/7 dynamic. There are pieces that I care more about and less about; I have things that I can tolerate and other things that I wouldn’t be able to. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you like or don’t like and verbalizing it. These preferences can also change, they probably will.

You are not “owned” after a few weeks. They can say it to you, they can claim you. It does not mean you are claimed. You are claimed when you say so, when you feel it in your heart. It’s a feeling, it’s not a label. And be wary of anyone wanting to own you, collar you, or claim you too quickly. Most people would side-eye you if you went on a first date and then got married 3 weeks later. It’s the same thing here. It should take a long time. And saying it doesn’t make it true.

Start at the submissive side of things even if you identify as slave. A brilliant Dominant once shared with me that he starts with a submissive and won’t even consider a slave until at least a year into the relationship. M/s takes a whole other level of dedication and devotion. Do it right.

Sex is the last thing you should be doing. Just plainly stated. It’s lovely, it’s fun, it’s wonderful. And slow it down. Ultimately, I’ve found that a good Dominant knows this. They will always put your safety first before their own desires. Further, a good Dominant knows that sex isn’t always the answer. You should be able to spend time together without sex and it still feel meaningful.

Get educated. I’ve said this before… an uneducated submissive is a dangerous submissive. She’s dangerous to herself and dangerous to others. Do your damn research. Don’t just hope and expect him to know. It doesn’t matter how long he’s been doing it. It doesn’t matter how many submissives he’s had in the past. Just do your damn research. Be informed. Know if you need to get yourself out of a bad situation.

Try it with someone you trust. This is a weird one given all of my other warnings… but I met someone who was knowledgeable, experienced and lovely. We talked for a while, we hung out a few times, and I was able to observe him over time and in different situations. I can safely safe I trust him and we’re still good friends. I was curious about my masochistic side, mainly to find out if I actually was a masochist, and he was an experienced sadist. In terms of first foray into impact play, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. He was so gentle and kind leading into it, he explained everything to me as we went through, and checked in often. He also absolutely knew what he was doing which made the experience amazing. No regrets whatsoever… minus the fact that the bar has been raised so high. And I think that’s a wonderful high bar to have.

Saying no, having limits, using your safe word is not topping from the bottom. God, this one took me forever to wrap my brain around. I’m a submissive. My own limits, even outside of D/s, took me forever to develop and enforce. Establishing limits within the context of a Dominant is a whole other circus. However, do it. For your own safety, sanity, and protection… especially at the beginning.

Take it slow.

Don’t compare. Many of the lovely blogs on here are from couples who have been together for a while. Their relationships are not at the stage where a new one is. Saying no to a Dominant is absolutely okay at the beginning; we barely know each other. It may be a different story and circumstance 6 months into a dynamic… or a year… or 5 years. Relationships evolve and grow over time. At the beginning, do what feels right in your gut. Ignore, to some degree, the rules about what you “should” be doing. And don’t compare. What feels “right” for one person may not feel “right” for you.

Don’t “play” D/s if that’s not what you’re looking for. Develop a real relationship. It’s not a hat you put on and take off. Don’t get lost in the fantasy of crazy sex and someone to command me around. It’s a lot of hard work. It hurts, often.

Get past the first few weeks. I’ve found there there tends to be an exciting infatuation period at the beginning where there’s a huge amount of learning going on about the other person, the fantasies are running wild, you’re seeing the “best” parts. Get through that and then really decide if you want to stay. Everything new is always shiny and fun to play with but hold on long enough to see if what’s under the sparkling exterior is someone you want to be with.

This is a weird one, but one that I’ve found particularly true for me… Be cautious with new emerging Dominants. I broke this rule for myself and absolutely regret it. I value experience, knowledge, and guidance. If you are pursuing a new Dominant, make sure he has a solid mentor guiding him throughout the process. I think even with the best intentions, he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know… and it can mess you up pretty badly.

Have a mentor, a guide, a protector, something. Have a community. Have one person, who you talk to regularly who is knowledgeable. I was blessed and met the most amazing Dominant (who I am so damn grateful for every single day) who led me, taught me, and protected me. I obviously made my own bad decisions and deviated away from his advice (which is why I still have so much to share…) but I’m pretty sure I’ve avoided 80% of the horrible and dangerous situations because of him.

Stop trying. This sounds strange, right? I’ve stopped pursuing and I’m happier. If someone comes along that peaks my interest I will engage, but I’m not desperate.

You’re not desperate. You don’t “need” a Dominant to be happy. Grow. Flourish. Live. Love. The right one will come along. Be patient. Work on yourself.

amysubmits

You’re so kind, but I have to point out that I am 100% not an expert. :)

I find this part to be very true even after you are new. There are things out there that others say submissives shouldn’t do but I don’t feel bad doing in my relationship because my Dom doesn’t mind it and/or our dynamic just doesn’t work that way. It’s always easier said than done, but I try not to care too much about what “submissives should do” or “what submissives shouldn’t do” kinda stuff. Frankly, a lot stuff floating around about D/s is just someone expressing their opinion or preference but sometimes it’s stated more like fact. But also, if you see a submissive saying ‘I shouldn’t have done X.’ that doesn’t mean that they are saying no other submissive should do that. When I talk about what I ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t do it’s almost always intended to be within the context of ‘I shouldn’t do X based on what I’ve agreed to in my relationship’. So if some other submissive hasn’t made the same agreement that I have, then it wouldn’t be a should or shouldn’t thing for them at all.

sincardinality

My wife and I have been together for almost a decade. We’ve been in a D/s relationship for exactly as long.

She still says “no” to me sometimes, and I praise her every time. Her boundaries are and will always be sacred, and I am so fucking proud of her every time she enforces them.

itsshinycollectordestinyworld

**FRIENDLY REMINDER**

Safewords are for everyone. Everyone may - and should - have a safeword.

Everyone may even have many safewords - all the safewords - a safeword for every fuckcasion - the more the fukken merrier.

Sub, Dom/me, slave, Master, pet, Owner, Daddy/Mommy, Little, Top, bottom, sadist, masochist, rigger, model/rope bottom, random part-time play partners, full-time devoted play partners, married, polyam, monogamous what-the-fuck-ever - if you're doing a kinky fuckery anything with another human - punishment included - if you're a human in a BDSM relationship of any flavour with any other human/s - YOU AND YOUR PARTNER/S NEED A FECKIN' SAFEWORD.

Consent - enthusiastic, freely given, informed, on-going, withdrawable/reversible agreement/permission - is absolutely everything in any human engagement but especially in BDSM. And without a safeword - the withdrawable/reversible portion of the consent equation - consent cannot be properly given or obtained by either the dominant or submissive party.

In other words, without the ability *for everyone involved* to immediately - and without *any* possibility of being misunderstood - call a halt to whatever activity/engagement is underway ie: withdraw consent, one cannot give or receive full consent.

Consent is everything - safewords are an integral part of consent. Have a safeword. Use the safeword. Respect the safeword.

And remember - it's not necessary to get too creative with the safeword - you can if you want and you should if you're doing CNC, obvs - but NO, NO MORE, STOP and RED are all perfectly legit and acceptable. As long as all parties recognise them as such...

Play safe - play nice and above all, play fair.

Thank you for reading,

Shiny.

aru

Tumblr Code.

geekishchic

If I ever see any of you in public, the code is “I like your shoelaces”

that way we know we’re from tumblr without revealing anything

I’m just going to say this to strangers until i find a tumblr person

must keep reblogering!! Im going to be so suspicious if any one tells me this now!

Remember the answer is: I stole them from the president.

always reblog tumblr identification

hobbinch

This is an absolute tumblr relic. I feel like an archaeologist right now. This is incredible that this is on my dash.

squided

this is from an era long passed

vibinwitch

It has 3 million notes

everythingisinabag-deactivated2

Oh my god

This is so old

How did I find it

themoonkilledmyagenda

never question posts like this

always reblog

a-force-to-be-reckoned-with-dea

Hahahaha true!!

theshootingcyclist

Always a reblog. Also, I like your shoe laces. 😉

crusoesampersand

I’ve actually uttered these words, then had to explain them 🤣

dominantlife

101 ideas to make Your slave feel Owned (i.e. loved)

One of the main factors for subs or slaves in feeling truly Owned, is to be constantly reminded throughout the day of their Master’s control. These reminders can be subtle or really obtrusive. The more often a slave is reminded of her submission, the deeper it becomes….and the more fulfilling. So here are some ideas You might want to try… And no matter what rules You decide to make Your own, please….be consistent. If You are unwilling to take the time to enforce the rules You make, then there may as well be no rules at all. There is nothing in the world that will make a slave feel less loved than to have a Master/Mistress who ignores her transgressions and does not exert Their Dominance.

1. Have her wear slave bells. The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a certain reminder of her submission.

2. When she has broken a rule, talk to her as You punish….and make her speak in detail about why what she did was wrong.

3. Make her take her shoes off every day as soon as she enters Your house.

4. A beautiful, special collar will make any slave joyous. Take the time to select the right one, and have her wear it as often as possible.

5. Have her call You each day at a specified time, no excuses.

6. Give her anklets and tell her she must wear one of them every day, no excuses.

7. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her kneel before You and ask to accompany You upon the furniture.

8. Choose her hairstyle and go with her to get it cut to Your specifications.

9. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her display herself whenever You come into the room…..legs spread, shirt unbuttoned. No matter what position You take, she is to be sure Your view is unobstructed

10. When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure she has an alternative title for You besides Master…..such as “my Love” etc.

11. Use her sexually in a rough, selfish way when You feel like it….interrupting whatever she was doing.

12. Chose a food that she dislikes and have her eat a small portion every day for a week.

13. Have her crawl to bed each night.

14. Bring her a stuffed animal each time You go out of town.

15. Choose her clothing each day.

16. Have her get Your daily wardrobe ready for You the night before….laid out, ironed etc.

17. After punishment, have her kiss Your boots and thank You for loving her enough to correct her.

18. Have her bring a warm towel and wash and massage Your feet each day after work.

19. Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location).

20. Get her pierced (or preferably if You are trained, do it Yourself).

21. Get her branded.

22. Respect, but push her limits.

23. Ask her each night what she did that day that You would not have approved of. grin This gets her in the habit of being completely honest, and also makes her conscious of the things she could do better each day.

24. Teach her exactly how You want her to kneel, and demand perfection.

25. Reward her by allowing her to please You sexually.

26. Supervise her workout routine.

27. Each night she is to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with her Master, and each night she does, she is to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank her Master for the privilege.

28. Have her polish Your boots weekly, on her knees at Your feet.

29. Negotiate until you are both comfortable with the terms and then sign a contract.

30. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Pain - 1000 words”

31. Have her keep a diary of her journey into submission.

32. Instruct her that she may never get herself something to eat or drink in Your presence without first asking You if You want something.

33. Some evenings, keep her on a leash and take her with You no matter what You do….even if You do not speak to her or include her in Your activities.

34. When appropriate, she is to speak when spoken to.

35. Reward her by giving her delicious pleasure.

36. On occasion, share her.

37. When it suits You, instruct her not to make eye contact with You without Your command.

38. Have her keep her body clean shaven at all times.

39. Conduct random inspections of her body to make sure she keeps herself to Your specifications.

40. Make her wear a butt-plug under her clothes whenever she goes out alone.

41. For transgressions: have her write Your name on the bottom of her foot and tell her to remember she is walking on You with each step. (This is harder to do that You might think….)

42. Master the art of the meaningful piercing stare…..

43. Give her reading assignments.

44. Test her on the reading assignments, to make sure she learned the appropriate lessons from each.

45. Instruct her to keep her toenails painted perfectly everyday, and check to see that they are before bed

46. Make it her responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment, and to keep them clean and neat.

47. Reward her by letting her name her favorite scene, toys, etc.

48. Call her Your slut, Your pet, etc.

49. Have her make a list of the 10 things that make her the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.

50. Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.

51. Sometimes, pamper her…..wash her body and hair, having her remain perfectly still as You turn her and move her about.

52. Hand feed her like a small child on occasion.

53. Have her eat from a dog bowl on occasion.

54. For transgressions: make her wear a sign to the next public function naming her crime. (ouch)

55. Praise her dedication when she has pleased You well.

56. Instruct her that she is never to touch Your body without permission.

57. Have her write a meditation about her submission, devotion and trust in You….to be said aloud each night before falling asleep.

58. Some days allow her no clothing whatsoever (when practical).

59. For transgressions: deny her play. No pain for you, bad girl….hehehe.

60. In the same ilk, For transgressions: deny her orgasm…..give her sex, but she can’t cum.

61. For transgressions: Command that she is to be silent for a week. She may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.

62. Treat her like a pet in front of friends, making her present herself, turn herself, etc.

63. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Obedience - 1000 words”

64. Have her wear a toe ring.

65. Tell her one morning that she must cum for You 15 times that day, and then write about the day.

66. Have her wear nipple clamps under her clothing out to dinner.

67. On Your birthday, let her receive Your spankings.

68. Spend time training her how to move gracefully to please You.

69. For transgressions: stand her in the corner like a 3 year old.

70. Always flog her after completion of a task, even if it was satisfactory. A well flogged slave is a happy slave.

71. Speak about her as if she were not present.

72. For transgressions: deny her any D/s at all for a week…..letting her do just as she pleases, not allowing her to serve You in any way, no punishment, no instruction, no play, banning titles of respect, etc. This will shame her and certainly make her strive to please You when it is over and she is in her place again.

73. Defend her honor to those who would disrespect Your prized possession.

74. Pet her often.

75. Make her be webMistress for Your huge site, DallasBDSM. hehehehe

76. Whenever possible (i.e. no young-uns about), have her sleep in a cage.

77. Buy her sexy or slutty clothes to Your liking.

78. Teach her things….expand her knowledge…..in a patient Fatherly way.

79. When You are away, call her and have her masturbate for You.

80. If You choose to play with others, make sure Your slave knows who is first in Your heart…..and that some things are just for her.

81. Remember her birthday.

82. Lead her with a loving fist in her hair.

83. Wake her each morning with an assigned task for the day…..and make sure it is done by day’s end.

84. Teach her patience.

85. Videotape Your sessions and watch them together.

86. On long trips, have her wear double dildo latex underwear.

87. Hand feed her chocolate.

88. Have her place her regular wear shoes in a line by the front door. They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled. Inspect them periodically.

89. Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book….let her slip for a while…thinking You are not noticing…..then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement.

90. Tickle her just because You can.

91. Have her be perfectly still and quiet while You bring her extreme pleasure…..when she moves or makes a sound punish her then return to the pleasure.

92. Keep her locked in her collar when You are home. You place it on her…..having her kneel. Wear the key to the lock around Your neck.

93. When possible, have her cook and serve Your dinner wearing nothing but an apron and collar.

94. Buy her a Polaroid camera and give her assignments to take pictures of herself for You in certain outfits or positions, etc.

95. Remember to kiss and caress away her tears.

96. Don’t be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well.

97. Take her and the dog to the park, both on leashes.

98. Caress her, whisper into her ear that You love her, nibble on her belly, lick her thighs and make love to her until she cries.

99. Have her fall asleep with Your cock in her mouth and tell her You expect it to be there when You awake.

100. Occasionally, fulfill her fantasy.

101. Master’s word is the last word.

Addendum

102. Make sure that she is safe at all times….when with You and when You are apart (to the best of Your ability). Keep her vehicle in good working order, make sure she has emergency money and a cell phone to call for help if needed.

103. Be consistent.

104. Take the time to talk to her…..learn her fears, her dreams and fantasies. Use Your knowledge.

105. When You go out of town, forbid her to shave her sex. Shave her Yourself when You return.

106. Specify exactly how she will address You in private and in public.

107. If You are willing to correct her each time she forgets until it is a habit, have her refer to herself as “this slave” or “this girl” etc.

- author unknown

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