Beating BPD

I'm Ash. I live with Major Depressive and Panic/Anxiety Disorders. After a lot of work, I no longer meet enough of the criteria for BPD diagnosis.

[anxietyproblem]

[catchymemes]

Anti anxiety.

[wind-the-music-box]

I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT CAT ONE FOREVER

[redwoodsin]

This is amazing but I’m on mobile so the gifs keep freezing. So I’m just sitting here turning purple like a fool. Keep breathing everyone!

[beating-bpd]

Personal update on me, in case anyone was wondering why I fell off the face of the planet:

I did a lot in 2017 and 2018. I worked a lot on trauma for the first time, started EMDR for PTSD/trauma therapy, decided to make some big forward steps in my life, and it got worse before it got better. But, I accomplished so much despite the dark places I had to go to get to the other side. Then, when I finally emerged from the pit and took a deep breath, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Flat out. No “let’s go to counseling”, no “we need to work on these things”, just...done. He deals with unofficial PTSD from combat and refuses to go to therapy because he “doesn’t need someone telling him what he already knows.” I’ve supported him emotionally for 14 years, and it was exhausting trying to keep him happy while I was trying to get well. He left us (me and our kids) a week before Christmas. Pretty sure he’s living with a single mother he works with. I was depressed, she was new. I was really in a bad place and not fun to be around, but I also deserved better than how he has treated me and continues to treat me.

Despite the awfulness I’m going through right now, I’m doing exceptionally well. I’m really proud of myself and look forward to great things in the future. I just need to get through the next year and start my new life. I’ve handled this with more grace than I could have ever imagined and have focused on self-care, continued therapy, and had a mantra of “Be Calm, Be Kind.” It’s gotten me through some terrible days. And in the past 4 months since he told me, I’ve been going out (what??!) and having fun (responsibly!! no binge drinking or self destructive behavior!!) and being more like myself than I ever remember being. 

Just wanted you guys to know why I ghosted for a while. I’m doing good, I promise, and I hope you are too. This terrible ordeal somehow made me gain a sense of self and self worth for the first time in my life, which amazes me. Good things happen when you work hard on your wellness, and I know this impending divorce will actually be a great gift to me because, looking back, our relationship was very toxic. I was an entity that existed for him and not a person. I’m free. Almost. :)

Wishing you all the best in 2019, and so glad we made it another year. 

[beating-bpd]

catsandcourage replied to your post “Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this type of stuff but.. I'm...”

Yesss I cannot stress enough to tell a Dr about coming off medication. Also keep your therapist up to date so that they can monitor you while you transition off meds. Im extremely sensitive to meds so any med changes has a big horrible effect on me - even if the meds aren't helping me. Just be aware that coming off meds may cause withdrawal. I don't think enough ppl are aware of this. I hope it goes smoothly ��

ABSOLUTELY.

I don’t recall a terrible withdrawal with some meds because I think I was just dissociating enough that I don’t remember, but at one point I was being weaned off of a standard release supplement to the extended release med I was on and just going off of 1/4 of the entire antidepressant dose I was on caused withdrawal headaches (probably more like migraines?) that were incredibly painful. I couldn’t believe it. I’m back on it now, but now I know if I ever go off of that medication again what to prepare for. 

Please do continued monitoring of med changes with your doc and therapist whether on or off - it can take a while to get into your system and for you to see improvement, and it can cause withdrawal coming off. Be open with your doc and therapist with both your mental wellness and how you’re physically handling the med change.

[beating-bpd]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this type of stuff but.. I'm thinking of stopping my meds, with the help of my therapist. I feel like i have the wrong diagnosis. The meds arent doing much help but i think theyre messing with my hormones. My breasts have literally deflated, my periods are weird and my sex life is declining. I think i can do okay on my own with just therapy, if i muster up the strength to actally talk abt my trauma. Idk i feel like i need someones permission to stop meds

I can’t tell you what’s best regarding medication, but I can say I would support whatever you decided to do. 

That said, I would definitely suggest you talk to a doctor about possibly changing to a different medication. I’ve been through quite a few that just did not work for me--and one that completely changed my personality and ability to express emotions at all. I finally landed on a good antidepressant that doesn’t work for a lot of people, but it works for me, and in conjunction with therapy, I’m doing really well. 

If you do go off your meds and therapy alone is working, you’re able to manage well, great!! I think that’s the “ideal” for many people because of bad side effects they’ve experienced or simply the cost of medication and doctor visits. But if you are med-free and find you’re struggling more and start feeling like you’ve regressed and think, “maybe it’s just a rough patch and I’ll get through,” talk to your therapist about it and revisit the idea of medication. Sometimes we feel like medication is a crutch and has this stigma that makes us think it’s a weakness to “have” to take the medication (I’m not sure if that’s how you feel or have felt in the past), but it’s absolutely not. If your brain needs a little adjustment for you to be your best you because therapy is great but something still feels stuck, give yourself permission to be on medication. 

Just for anyone who needs it:When I was younger my mom and I prided ourselves on not being on meds, and I cried when I first was prescribed an antidepressant, which looking back, that says a lot. I fought medication, I fought therapy, and I just continued being a mess and unhappy, suicidal, all of that. I gave into medication first and was on various ones for years before I got a great one, and I didn’t do trauma therapy until just a year and a half ago, which was almost 14 years after the events I really needed therapy for. Now that I’ve embraced both, because I personally needed both, I’m doing amazing and I’m really proud of all the progress I’ve made. 

So whether or not medication is right for you, just be safe and make sure you go on or off meds with the continued consultation of a therapist and/or doctor. Be sure to check in with yourself or your mental health/medical professional to see if you’re doing okay. And give yourself permission to change your mind if you realize it’s not working for you. It doesn’t make you weaker to need to use medication or go to therapy--your strength comes from you; those resources just help you see through the fog so you can recognize it. Meds or no meds, I know you’ve got this. 

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

resist the urge to give up on healing just because it is slow

[ambiguousrambles]

Listen this can be a really rough time of year and I just want to let you know we got this. We’re gonna make it through. Take care of yourself in both the soft and necessary ways. Make sure you shower and you have clean dishes and clothes but also take the time necessary to breathe and decompress. You’re never too old for a blanket, a stuffed animal, and a nap. There may be a lot of demands on you, but if people are taking advantage of you or treating you poorly, be your own advocate and demand you be treated decently. 

Look out for yourself and get ready to kick next year in the ass. 

[ambiguousrambles]

Continuing my on-again, off-again with being able to connect with people in conversation thing, I just wanted to say ily guys. I hope you’re treating yourselves kindly and remembering to put some of that care you give others toward yourself from time to time. 

If you’re feeling lonely, whether it’s a whisper or the kind that you feel in your bones, you’re really not alone. If your brain is telling you no one cares, or you need to be alert and worried about something, or that you need to punish yourself for some minor transgression, tell it to shut up. Wrap yourself in a blanket, keep sounds low, get good sleep. Recharge when you need to. 

If you’re going through a rough time, save your energy for getting yourself through - it’s okay if presents go out late, if you don’t do Christmas cards this year, if you can’t make it to that get-together. As much as you should be patient with and kind to others, you need to do the same for yourself. 

Make plans, even if it’s going for a walk. Be around people sometimes, even if it’s in a movie theater or on a busy street. When a burst of energy comes, take advantage and get some things done: clean up the clutter, do the dishes, get laundry washed and dried. Make sure you eat, and if you’re not eating much, eat something good for your body. If you struggle with food and will be surrounded by it, just make smart choices. If you have anxiety, remember your grounding techniques. Reach out if you need to - you’re not bothering anyone. You’re really not. 

You’re worth it. Take the time to think about what you’ve accomplished this year and what you’d like to see yourself doing during the next. You’re going to be amazing. 

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

you have to get yourself out of bad places. you need to resist the temptation to let everything slip and become apathetic & cynical toward yourself and your life. you need to accept that it takes time to change and it’s ok to fall over as long as u get back up. every morning is a new start and things don’t have to be this way forever. you can heal and you can change.

[catchymemes]

Anti anxiety.

[shieldmaiden19]

As someone with crippling anxiety, this shit WORKS.

[anxietyproblem]

[ambiguousrambles]

Yesterday I was suicidal and today I’m in the best fucking mood and taking care of myself and went gymming and I’m laughing and smiling and hanging out with my dog.

Push through. Whatever it is you’re dealing with, just push through. It’ll pass. Things will shift. And yes, it might get bad again. But when it feels the worst, that it’s too much, remember that it will pass. 

[beating-bpd]

Update

I need to let you guys know that although things had actually been going pretty well for me, I was thrown the biggest curve ball life could have thrown at me and it’s really hitting me hard. I’m surprised at how well I’m handling it, but I wanted to tell you guys/reiterate a few things:

When a situation arises in which you think you’d completely fall apart or not survive, you might be surprised at how well you’re able to handle it. The hard work you put in to function every day builds a muscle that shows its strength when you’re suddenly going through the roughest of rough patches. 

Take pride in your successes, don’t beat yourself up over perceived failures or slip-ups, and put your health first. 

Don’t rely on other people for your self-worth. 

EMDR is great for trauma, and I very much recommend it.

Make a self care plan, and if you can use a bullet journal habit tracker to pay attention to your mood and health patterns you’ll have a better understanding of where you are and what steps you can take to get yourself to where you want to be.

Get help when you need it, even if it’s talking to a friend or the void of the internet if you can’t get in to see a counselor. Screaming into the void can be very therapeutic, and writing out your thoughts and emotions can help you think them through to find possible answers to questions you were posing. 

I’m possibly going to be too upset/not have the emotional energy to answer a lot of questions in the coming months. If I don’t answer immediately even though I usually try to respond within the hour after I see a message, please don’t think I’m ignoring you. I’m going through a very, very difficult time, but I’m handling it exceptionally well, and I hope I continue to thrive instead of letting it beat me down.

Wishing you all the best,

Ash 

[beating-bpd]

from the inbox

Question: Hi, how did you manage to get better? I was officially diagnosed a few months ago, after years of doctors speculating but avoiding that diagnosis (bipolar or anxiety or some other stuff). And I'm in therapy (10 years for other things), doing DBT and I try to apply it when I can. But it feels like as soon as I seemingly start to get better, everything crashes and I'm back to square one. I feel so stuck and disappointed. 

The quick answer is therapy, self reflection, pushing myself, and getting on the right medications to help me function best. But there’s a lot to that.

The healing process is unfortunately not an escalator up toward mental wellness. It’s more like a hike where there are slippery icy patches, narrow passes that slow you down substantially, and crumbling edges that have lost their support and fall away (sometimes taking you and your progress down with the foothold you’d made). Sometimes you just have to move off the trail and sit for a bit to give yourself time to rest, collect your energy, and think about your strategy for the next leg of your journey.

What you’re describing is very familiar. It’s incredibly frustrating when you have momentum and suddenly your progress seems to stop or you slip back due to outside forces you weren’t expecting. It’s exhausting. Sometimes it feels too exhausting. That’s when I try to change things up. I ask myself if there’s anything new I can try to disrupt the cycle and allow myself to keep moving forward, even if it feels like I’m having a setback.

One tangible thing that has been helpful is keeping a bullet journal, which I’m terrible at keeping up with, but when I do, it’s quite effective. I’ve been using a mental health habit tracker I’d be happy to share, but it’s based on this habit tracker. I break it down in two separate trackers per month to give myself space on the side to write notes about things that were happening that affected my mental health. I’m then able to look at the months and find patterns of when I was experiencing impulsive behavior, had to take anxiety medication, was depressed, was happy or sleeping well, etc. Seeing patterns in behavior (not showering, missing medication) and mental health (depressed, anxious, dissociative) gives you an overview of your ups and downs that are hard to see as you move throughout your day, but over a two week or monthly period paint a clear picture. With that information in mind, you can figure out what you need to focus on. Do you need to make sure you have a schedule so you don’t miss meds or appointments? Do you need a nightly self care routine to help you sleep because you seem to be more productive on days after you’ve taken the time to take care of yourself and your living environment?

Another thing that has helped is giving myself permission. I give myself permission to leave the gym early if I’m feeling unwell, to take a mental health day, to not respond to emails or phone calls for a 24 hour period because I need to disconnect, to call it a day and go to bed early, to laugh and enjoy myself. A lot of times we get caught up in a reward/punishment cycle where we deprive ourselves or push ourselves to the point of a breakdown unnecessarily because we feel we aren’t hitting a goal or living up to an expectation. Give yourself permission to fail, but promise yourself you’ll do better next time - and follow through. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you’ve probably heard It’s not a sprint; it’s a marathon. This definitely applies with mental wellness. It’s not only a goal, it’s a lifelong journey in which your needs, goals, and strategies will grow and change.

I’m proud of you for working on it. The fact that you’re trying is great, and I don’t want you to lose hope because of what feels like endless setbacks. Things do get easier and the setbacks feel more and more like temporary obstacles you know you’re strong enough to move past in time instead of like they’re dragging you backward when you’re trying so hard to push forward. You’re doing great. Keep figuring out what works for you with DBT and other therapies and use the aspects of those that feel right to grow and get stronger. You’ve got this.

[beating-bpd]

I just got diagnosed with bpd along with my prior diagnosis of ptsd. I'm afraid to tell people because of the stigma. I think my girlfriend should know. I also want to tell my ex best friend because he used to be in love with me and i hurt him pretty badly in my confusion and mania but he's not understanding and caring anymore, just cold. I'm hung up on him even though I don't like men (i think??) and even though i care deeply for my girl. I'm also scared of starting meds I'm putting it off.

Whatever you decide, your diagnosis is your business. You don’t have to hide it, but you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. I understand the feeling of wanting to explain your behavior, but don’t expect it to make anything that happened better. I’d also suggest you be sure to have a book or online resource on hand for whoever you share it with (online resources can be really helpful when it’s from a credible source) to explain your diagnoses so they don’t go looking on the internet themselves - there are a lot of highly stigmatized “explanations” of BPD from forums that can be very negative and may not apply to your displayed traits or experience at all. 

When it comes to meds, that’s also your choice, but I would suggest giving it a try. The right medications can treat the depression and anxiety caused by PTSD and make your other symptoms more manageable. 

I’m not great for relationship advice, but if he’s not an empathetic person or just not empathetic to you because of your past, you should, in my opinion, distance yourself. You’ll only find yourself getting more hurt if you continue to be attached to someone who is going to cause you emotional distress. 

As for sexuality, I’m of the belief that sexuality is fluid, so just go with whatever - and whoever - makes you happy. 

[ambiguousrambles]

i really hope anyone seeking mental help finds that one social worker or therapist that just clicks, that gets them and understands what they need; that person that sees them as a work in progress and not something broken that needs fixed, who doesn’t believe in band aid solutions but building a toolbox of skills to help on bad days; that person who digs deep while respecting your emotional threshold and takes the time before a session ends to ground you.

you deserve that. 

[snackwizard]

a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore

by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore 

never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.

find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.

talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore

picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else

if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.