Ky

I'm new to this but I love writing and quotes and just about everything else. I'm in the process of exploring my truth and who I am and what makes me, well me.

[beautifulllychaoticc]

It's like I'm a vulnerable teenager again

Finger pointing at me

Feeling completely exposed

Vulnerable

Not knowing where to turn

The one i want to turn to,

The one that is making me want to run

Is always the one running

Ever since i was a kid

It was always something

Some reason,

Something bad and dark haunting her

It's carried over to me

This constant façade of victim

The one left behind

The truth is you were never there

I remeber having to be the adult in situations,

Seeking solitude any any other guy that seemed fit to do so at the time

Needing someone to confide in

Someone to see me, to hear me

Red hair,

Laughs lots of laughs

You're stumbling through the door,

He's in my face

Asking what i'm going to do

You just dropped your 30 rack, laughing

As some man laid on top of your daughter,

Your daughter who was a kid

Vulnerable

Weak

Everything you wanted

But i fought back

My friend fought back

Get off of her

You were in the corner laughing,

The budlights pouring out of the carboard box

This image will never leave my mind

It's not him that won't,

It's you

Laughing while some man is on top of your daughter

Taunting her

It's the image of you allowing a registered sex offender to look out for your kids

To be around your kids

To pick your kids up

Late night,

Sitting in a small truck

Pulls off to the side of the road

Offering me some weed

I knew it was ad

I felt the un ease

& yet i had to agree to get back home

I told him no

Bring me home

And he did

Didn't touch

Doesn't mean it doesn't haunt

Age 13 i'm searching registered sex offenders

To poiint out to my mother

As if she didn't know

As is if she cared

She didn't

And she still doesn't

So quick to make you seem bad

To seem unfit

For love, respect

It's all you

She lost her very life because of you

Her husband,

Her house,

Her relationship and last chance with her dad

It is all you

But it's not

She's more lost

Than should would ever declare you to be

You know

The real me

You're not a victim

You're not a survivor

You're the one who is getting away

Even as an adult,

It's all right there

Constantly in fight or flight mode

Just wanting it to end

Yet she keeps going

Trying to convince those around you,

But you of her despair

The one who causes pain

Who made her make her choices

It was herself or no one right?

Including her own daughter

Anyone to blame for where she is at

For what has happened

For what has played out

That's all she does is play victim

Well,

I am not a victim

Of my mother

Of my father

Of my siblings,

Of justin

I am me

I am bright

I am smart

I am genuine

I am strong

No one can take that from me

Because i here

I am not a victim

I am not a survivor

I am me

[beautifulllychaoticc]

All it takes is one word

One statement

And i'm tumbling right back

Into the constant whiplash

Constant questioning

Who i am

Who i was

Who i will become

All in what you said

What you did

Your voice is still there

Dictating who i am

Who i have the capability to be,

To become

I left

I made you leave

I told myself no looking back

No more drowning myself to keep you afloat

So why am i sitting here

Second guessing everything

Your words just as fresh as all the times they were imploded into my brain

Words that turned into deep slices in my skin

Painting a bloody canvas of self doubt

Ruining everything and anything left in it's wake

The blood always drips

The mental torment demanding to be let out

The anguish,

Constantly building under my skin

Demanding to be let out,

To be felt

I am nothing

You made me, and without you

I am nothing

Over and over again in my head

I have to rationalize

Decompartmentalize

Those thoughts,

Your words not to be true

You are in the past,

That no sense of self

I know who i am

I am something,

I am someone

And i am so much better off without you

I have grown as an individual

Found strength i never knew i had

Found purpose

My own voice

You don't own me anymore,

Truth is,

You never did

</3

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Barely

I sit here

Hands shaking

they always are nowadays

my breath catches

my chest tightens

why is it so hard

to breath

simply to just be

to accept what is

the past

the future

the now

i'm stuck in this never ending cycle

of believing i am okay

things will be okay

only for the dark cloud to start inching closer and closer

his voice beckons to be heard

his presence to be felt

although he is gone

long gone

his presence still lingers

always threating to take every slight feeling of peace

of happiness

always telling me i can't

you're doing it wrong

you will never

ever make it

without me

you are nothing

i created you

and i destroyed you

i always had you in my grasp

how is it possible to feel so far away

but so suffocating

i am my own being

you're no longer here

then why do i fear

everything

why is your voice still in my head

your foot holding me down

while i'm gasping for air

begging to be left alone

to belong to myself again

to be me

a happy me

a strong me

a persevering me

hopeful me

bright me

a me

a me without you

[beautifulllychaoticc]

To escape 

The constant feeling of being in control 

Yet never being in control

Always having to live up to something

To someone

You were there showing me in a different way

I needed more

Someone should have seen it

From the start 

Always worried 

About my weight 

Buy me this 

Buy me that

I needed someone there 

To tell me i was okay 

To not be okay 

To always live up to the reputation 

She looks so good 

So happy

Healthy

I’m screaming 

I’m caged 

No one is listening

I don’t want to eat

I eat

I work out

I’m lifting weights

I’m gaining weight 

Right

So much that you can’t believe

So much you can’t see

I’m truly loosing me

Truly never enough 

I step aside

To people that will promise me the answers

I find solace in them 

People that don’t question

They let me escape 

They show me how

Not to feel a thing

I accept it

I relish in it

I find peace

I can no longer

[beautifulllychaoticc]

@ me

Yesterday I made the call

The pain has always been there

Whether a slight nudge

Or knock you to the ground

Can’t breath

Type of notice me

It can be gentle

Barely noticeable

Other days a sharp pain

Feeling like a dagger

Right on the spot

Pin pointed

A direct hit

The tip of a steal blade

Making its way

Further and further into me

With no relentlessness 

I freeze

Straighten up

Walk right

Don’t lean too far this way

Don’t lean too far that way

Simply walk

Don’t over think it

You’re over thinking it

Now you’re walking funny 

Straighten out again

You can breath

Walk normally

Back to normal

You can bend

You can lift

All properly 

Now you’re having a good day

The smile is there

There feels like no wear or tear

So you keep going on 

With your day

Continuously 

With your days

Only to have the expected

Yet again

Unexpected

Out of the blue

The pain is like

I’m coming for you

You don’t want to seem weak

You don’t want to make it something it isn’t

You obsess over pushing through the pain

Acting like it’s nothing

Only to keep carrying on

But it’s always going to end up there

Always going to find yourself in despair

You are me

I am me

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Ice

Cold

So very cold

Hard

But with the right but oh so wrong touch

Will melt

Layer by layer

Always doomed to be found

Left as started

A helpless liquid

To be washed away

Left as a puddle

Never standing a chance

All it takes is the right touch

The right word

And its back where it all began

A force that is bendable

Able to be broken down

Time after time

Again and again

Just a glimmering shell

A constant threat to whither away

Wanting to stay solid

To stand its ground

Only to be found 

A mess of a puddle

To be built up strong again

Just to be pushed to the point of undoing

But is it such a bad thing

To go back to original form

To where it all began

Something able to be hard

Yet to melt when in the right condition

But be able to handle whatever pressure

What ever state it may find itself in

To be able to adapt

To conquer each and every stage

To keep going

No matter the heat

No matter the pressure

To constantly be able to pick back up

Where ever left off

Where it all started

[beautifulllychaoticc]

golden liquid

i keep drinking

i keep sipping

you’re still gone

i look around

but you aren’t here

you should be there

at my feet when im doing dishes

at my feet when im showering

you should just be there

i miss you so much

it hurts

you really are gone

i constantly look for you

and you arent there

it physically hurts

i feel like i can’t breath

i can’t keep living

and breathing

but some how 

im here

and you are not

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Here

You’re still here

lying by my feet

my heart is breaking

i can’t make it stop

i can’t help

i want to know how you’re feeling

i want to make sure you know i care

i would do anything to trade places with you

i can’t imagine life without you

walking into this house

and you not there waiting for me

i can’t imagine a house without your dishes

they’re going to become empty

just like my heart

i used to be hate your hair everywhere

now,

i relish in it

the scent of dog,

my dog

i don’t want it to stop

i don’t want to forget this smell

i don’t want to forget what its like to see you asleep on the couch

or howling because you need to go out

i’m trying to hold those moments dear

the sound of you snoring

the sound of you simply licking your paw

something i used to find annoying

something i could now find therapeutic 

im trying to remain strong

act like everything is okay

but everything is falling apart

you are leaving us

and there is nothing i can do to stop it

my heart skips a beat

my breath catches

you’re my baby

forever my baby

and i can’t help

i can’t save you

i feel so helpless

your life

should be so much longer

you deserve that

and then some

i keep talking 

i know you’re sick

i see it

but i’m in denial

this can’t be

you’re so young

so full of life

but i see it

this is real

you’re going to leave me

and there’s nothing i can do to change it

i so badly wish i could

nothing will be the same

you’re what i look forward to after a long day of work

your snuggles comfort me

your very presence is a blessing

i’m going to stand by you

i know you’re not giving up

and neither am i

even though my heart is dreading the inevitable

i am here

i am going no where

i am right here

forvever and always

my fur baby you will be 

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Always a biased opinion against myself

All those memories sitting on a shelf

I’m a washed up hurricane

Threatening to destroy everything

All those words you could’ve said 

You really don’t want to be dead

[thepersonalquotes]

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Upon anything 

[thepersonalquotes]

[emotionalwords]

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Toxic Liquid

Today i’m feeling something not so sweet

Something bubbly

But not too bubbly

I’m only going to drink a few

Just going to relax 

A few go down and i’m finally starting to feel confident

Confident enough to almost,

Almost feel comfortable in my own skin

So i drink another

I’m feeling light

I’m almost feeling pretty

Drink another sip

Woah,

Another one empty

I sit there,

Empty handed

I look around,

I feel like i can almost belong somewhere

I grab another

It glides down my throat,

No objection

I’m feeling good

I feel light and happy

Who cares if i can belong,

Or do

I am me

I am good as i am

I tip back another one

The pain from the past is there, 

Bearable and ever so present

Tip it back some more

No i don’t want to remember that

No i don’t want to feel that

Drink some more,

It’ll all go away

Find that happy medium

It’s there, i swear it is

More liquid gold glides down my throat

Tip toeing on the darkness

It’s there,

Acknowledge it

But don’t succumb to it

Just a little more

You’re fine, Just fine

Dancing

And singing

Time of your life

Smiles everywhere

Everyone is where they belong

You look down

Your hand shakes

You look around

Get a hold of yourself

You’re fine

You find it harder and harder to believe in your own smile

It starts to fade

Tip back some more

The darkness is there

You’re surrendering

It feels so good

But so bad

It’s got a hold

But you refuse the hands around your neck

Sip back some more

Boom

You’re lost

In the past,

in the unknown

The darkness has you 

You allow it

Drink some more

Feel less

Yet feel it all at once

A mac truck

Demolishing everything in it’s wake

You’re gone

Too far gone

Blank stare

Wobble this way,

Wobble that way.

No one likes you,

You don’t even like yourself

Take another sip

Who cares

No one cared from the start

Too far gone,

A black cloud overtaking yet again 

Letting yourself subside 

Storm clouds rain throughout your head

The thunder demands to be felt

Your consciousness rattles

The lightening strikes

A florescent blue blinding you

Leaving nothing but darkness in its wake

[beautifulllychaoticc]

Consumed

Tip toeing 

around the truth 

walking on egg shells

they have always been the light

forever in the shadow

having the courage 

refusing to back down

and yet

you always back down

you know better

you are better

but yet

you’re somehow the missed step

in so many lives

you can praise all you want

you can give your all

but you’re always one step left behind

you choke on your own words

ready to spit fire

but no one is there to hear you

no one is there to listen

you’re drowning

gurgling water

reaching for the shore

it is right there

you know it is

but always kicked back down

you feel like you have a hold

like you’re grounded to something

like you actually have it figured out

you can be strong

you can be there for others

but you slip

someone pushed you to the side

again

there you lie awake

questioning everything

you are a independent woman

you are capable of so much

yet

you are nothing

you aren’t capable

you lack

you slack so much

you are selfish

it’s always about you

just you and you

always and forever

regretting the chance you had 

to walk away

and stay away

surviving the of worst your entire life

and yet

always running back

dimming your own light

to encourage others

knowing right from wrong

telling yourself you have grown

you have gone through the utmost worst

but the worst still being in your face

constantly telling you no

no you are not enough

you shouldn’t have opened your eyes again

but then here you are

exploding these words

consumed by 

pain

regret

remorse

empowerment

independence 

just let go

you need to let go

love is love

yes

but pain is pain you can’t continuously scream love

in someone's face that only wants hate

and pain

you can’t save everyone

and you can’t save a relationship that was doomed

from the very start 

[the-inspiring-quotes]

[beautifulllychaoticc]

<3

[beautifulllychaoticc]

heart break

I ask you 

why do you love me

we have the same  interest in music 

we like the same food

we have been through way too much

im crying out

I need more than just routine 

I need kisses

endless kisses

I need skin

lots of skin

you touching me

me touching you

but where are you

im so eager  for you

I yearn for your touch 

where did you go

where did we go

[thepersonalquotes]