Beautifully aMusing

Just my musings and things that amuse me

[beautifullyamusing]

I dont know

At my parent’s house for the next few days. I feel more grounded, I think, when home. I dont know if thats because I’m in the suburbs and not the city or if its because I feel at home. I dont know. And I dont know how to get a job I want because I dont really know what job I want. I dont know how people just pick a job and run with it. I dont know. 

[beautifullyamusing]

Taking a break

I’m taking a break from alcohol for two weeks to reset my brain. I think it’s been affecting me negatively. Sure it’s fun during usually but I think there are negative repercussions from it to my brain and life afterwards. 

[beautifullyamusing]

domino

Went to to the park today with friends and had a good time. then we went to get halal food and ate in a little park where kids were running around playing. they were cute.

[beautifullyamusing]

fine to not

I was good. I meditated and went to the gym. Then biked with a friend to the bar. Was quiet at the bar and not that present as per usual with these friends. Then I went home bc I was bored. I meditated on the subway. Then had to text my mom about money which brings out a bad side and I got home to a packed apt bc its my roommates bday and I was uncomfortable bc I didnt want to talk to anyone. Then I cried bc I feel my life is a mess because it is. But I’m working on mindfulness to get better. 

[beautifullyamusing]

All Over

As usual, up and down and left and right most of the day. I get a thought and immediately challenge if I actually feel that way. And when I do that, I lose the feeling, if it ever existed, so I don’t know. It’s tough.

I’m trying to meditate more but have so much trouble with concentration. Feeling down at the moment

[beautifullyamusing]

Last night

I went out last night with a friend and her coworker. Her coworker was really cool. I liked her a lot. I usually find a way to like everybody but I especially liked her. She was really nice and cute and funny. But I couldn’t feel my desire to ask her out but I tihnk it mightve been there. She seemed different than most girls I meet and think to ask out because that’s just how I think. She was just super sweet and bubbly.

Idk. I rarely take risks because I’m not sure who I’ll be when the day comes around because I feel so much anxiety. I wish I could get rid of my anxiety.

[beautifullyamusing]

Can’t and Won’t

I can’t let my first job nor my mood disorder define me nor the rest of my life, work and personal.

[beautifullyamusing]

Leg ache

My legs ache when I leave my apartment to walk or go out. It’s probably from so much of the sitting I’ve been doing and staying in my room. Finally my roommates brother is gone. He’s been taking up the living room the past week and I have it back and I just realized that could've contributed to the depressive episode I am in. 

I’m angry but not outwardly, I just feel some rage of a fire inside me. I want things to change quickly yet I don’t because fast change is scarier than anything, especially when it’s getting your feelings back. Read a lot of Camus today.

I’m too exhausted and lazy to care to write cover letters for copywriting jobs. I’m also in such a self-doubting, lacking confidence mode that I don’t think I can handle a job anymore. 

[beautifullyamusing]

Trying

I’m trying. I’m exhausted but I’m trying. I feel so numb and have very little desire but want to get better but feel like I don’t want to and it feels like it’s all my fault. But it’s not, it’s my brain chemistry, but that feels like a way to just take it off me. I wish I were in love with someone. Someone specific, but I know they don’t love me and that I’m not accepting of love enough. I want to accept but I’m afraid. I want her to love me the way I want and I hope I stop feeling that way because it’s likely just an obsessive thought.

[beautifullyamusing]

Ok

Kind of an up and down day but that isn’t unusual for me. I read a lot about how to withdraw from medication slowly, and with my doctors supervision. I think I’m going to do that but will talk about it with him next week.

I also did some more job searching. About to write a cover letter but I’m out of energy so I need to meditate a little. Probably for 10 minutes which is my longest time.

The parents aren’t home until Friday...I’m think of surprising them by being home. I think I want to quit yoga because I really don’t like going there but I don’t know if it’s my depression talking and I should keep up with it until I get a fulltime job.

I got a potential part time gig today which is really cool. Talking on the phone with SM and he’s going to send a project my way, renaming youtube videos and writing better captions for them. Will be a cool project to BUILD MY PORTFOLIO!!!

Anyway, when I went for a walk, I felt a bit out of it and like I said at the beginning, not unusual. But I hope tapering off the meds will help with that.

Ight peace

[beautifullyamusing]

ho shit

I have a second job interview today! Not nervous. Kind of confident in what I sent them after the first interview was good work. This could be cool.

[beautifullyamusing]

Focusing on the Pain

I fucked up my back a few weeks ago and I have a lot of pain now. When I know I have an injury, I subconsciously end up spending most of my attention on that injury. It’s the same thing with my mental. I obsess over the same issues and can’t see them from another perspective. 

My back doesn’t hurt all the time, but if I notice it does, my mind usually spotlights the pain and it feels like it gets worse. Keyword ‘feels’, because it’s still in the same position. It happens with anxiety as well, if I feel it, I tend to put more attention on it and it feeds it the anxiety and it grows. The situation hasn’t changed, just my perspective of it.

The difficulty I have controlling my perspective, or my spotlight is not uncommon. I just have a harder time with it than others. Meditating is supposed to help with controlling that but I have trouble with that as well. I’d like to get better at controlling my perspective and choosing what I see. I want to shine a light on the colors of my mind rather than the dark corners of it.

[beautifullyamusing]

Second Story

I don’t think my second story went over as well my first but in hindsight it did check off every thing on Kurt Vonnegut’s list of 8 things to write a great story. So for that I’m proud. I want to write another story but don’t have a concept. I might use an old story and rewrite it so it’s better.

[beautifullyamusing]

Month

I just want a month where I’m firing on all cylinders. If I’m being honest I’d like it to be forever. With of course the occasionally hiccups. But not what’s happening now, with these days a dreariness. And feelings of inadequacy all the time. Rarely being able to relax even when I’m doing the act of relaxing. I might be relaxing but I don’t feel relaxed. I feel on edge most of the time, like something is always missing. I want to feel whole and loved and connected more. It’s painful to to running but not be running full speed when you know you could be moving more efficiently, being more productive. Let me run with no pain.

[beautifullyamusing]

Champ of the world

So today I decided I would apply to a job that doesn’t exist. I went to the companies website and they didn’t have any jobs that I would fit into so I crafted an email during the day saying who I am and why I want the job that doesn’t exist on their website, does it exist though? So I followed through on what I worked on while at work today and did research to find out who to send it to and did it. I actually came thru for myself and did what I set out to do. And I feel like the champion of the world baby. I’m a boss

[beautifullyamusing]

Days

Some days at work feel longer than others. Everyone has that realization once they work for a little bit. Often the worse mood, the longer it feels. Today felt fine. There was some work to do and I did, I drafted an email as well. I felt attraction today too which I haven’t in a while. This is a breakthrough. I feel positive and I hope this continues. It’s not a real feeling of happiness for something, just things aren’t bothering me today and my mind feels less cluttered, more focused. I like when I’m more focused, I am much happier and more positive. I wish I knew how to replicate it on purpose, then I could become a super human, or at least function better.

[beautifullyamusing]

New Years Weekend

I dont go to phish for the music at all, I go to hang out with people. I get a bit antsy and inside my head when the show is going on, but I really enjoy hanging out with people and the vibes when hanging pre show. I met a few friends of friends and really liked them, they were cool. Enjoyed talking to them, very nice people. I didn’t have a panic attack which is great and I’m proud of myself for. I stayed positive the whole time and stayed for the entirety of every show I went to. I felt really good. Had some good talks with my closest of friends. Got a lot of people in the box and really made the vibe in there incredible. I was a bit apathetic and just had ow energy levels during the shows, not being able to experience positive emotions too intensely but that’s okay, I’ll get better. It was a good run overall.