i might as well be queer @begrudgingly-bashful-butch - Tumblr Blog

update (...2! Its basically the same lol)

changed url from cringe-fail-butch. Please have your age on your blog if you're gonna follow, thank you.

I'm nonbinary. The butch label means a lot to me. Maybe I use it wrong? Sue me.

I have a pussy and I like calling it a pussy or a cunt but I call my [redacted] my dick because, well, it's my fucking dick. Don't overthink it. I sure don't.

Don't talk about my chest please... I will of my own volition but it's complicated and there isn't much a stranger could say that wouldn't make me feel super weird. I do occasionally get dysphoric and may mention it, I'll try to tag it, so people don't have to read it if they don't wanna.

I label myself queer. It's hard for me to be more specific. I guess to at least try I want y'all to know I do feel attraction to men and refuse to be ashamed of that, it's just women make me fucking melt, as well as other nonbinary folk, they make me feel at home.

I'm still pretty socially anxious so I may not interact much but feel free to approach me about things I say if they're uninformed or stuff like that. I use the tag "lonely hours" when I'm feeling moody and "journal thoughts" when I'm making arbitrary observations about myself, if you don't want to see that stuff. I use the queue a lot and don't always know what's being posted when.

kinks under the cut

#gender and sexuality are hard for me #i'm making myself up as i go and all that #updated! subject to further updates at any time lol

Probably be inactive for a bit but I'm fine I'll be back eventually.

eldritchbauble

For a kid who wasn't raised Catholic I sure grew up believing in thoughtcrimes and feeling compelled to confess anything and everything to an authority.

I think you can end up riddled with Catholic guilt without even being Catholic.

eldritchbauble

If I lost 25 cents on the playground that I'd been given for the school snack store, I felt horrible, I thought something horrible was going to happen, and I had to confess to it the second I got home to make sure that nothing horrible would happen.

Like, that level of compulsion to confess things to an authority.

eldritchbauble

And this got more complex and troubling as I got older, because in middle school it wasn't like, random inconsequential mistakes. It was things like having a sexuality, suicidal ideation, and self harm.

I thought something horrible would happen to my parents if I got angry at them, because "god" would hear my thoughts and punish me in some twisted "isn't this what you wanted" way. It was terrifying.

eldritchbauble

It took me like a decade into adulthood to stop compulsively saying the "cancel out" word that could stop horrible things from happening (for whatever reason, I decided that a specific word could cancel out the danger of bad thoughts I had) (if I made sure to say it after a thought, I was safe).

eldritchbauble

Also me: I don't have OCD.

eldritchbauble

Anyway, "thoughtcrimes don't exist" and "things like self harm, substances, and kink are morally neutral" aren't just stances I have. They're hard-fought beliefs that I have intentionally cultivated within myself and continue to actively maintain. On purpose.

Because I know exactly how painful it is to be a human (by definition subject to lots of complex emotions, thoughts, and impulses) while believing that those things make you a piece of shit. That you have to be ever hypervigilant about your own private, internal experiences in case you're bad. I know exactly how harmful purity culture is to your psyche and therefore your quality of life.

#this post just knocked the wind out of me bc it reminded me that i too had a 'cancel word'#(more like a cancel system i had to do)#my dear fuck how did i forget that #i wasn't so much raised catholic but rather just raised by a catholic

angel-fruitcake

i can handle one (1) Event™ per day. whether it be a phone call, an appointment, trip to the grocery store, play date with a friend, etc. only one, that's it. any more than that and i am Stressed

#i can do a play date wth a friend at the grocery store but there is a chance i will be stressed about it yeah

There's a great, terrible pain within me haha

Awesome the pain

Damn okay I think I miss feeling desired 😭

#darn

fairy-faggot

Calling cumming "finishing" is fine and all but like...we are not finished though. The bell does not dismiss you, I dismiss you. Sit back down.

#god dammint

gentlyevilvt

See the "I'm supposed to, what, fuck the dog?" post is funny and all but I also have the immediate reaction that A) if you have such an in-depth understanding of what the sub's getting out of it but not the dom then perhaps you should reconsider your position in such dynamics, but there's also the less talked-about B) if you can't comprehend a way to enjoy a kink that doesn't involve having sex (unless it's a kink that requires sex as a baseline like a rape kink), then you're almost definitely doing the kink wrong. Fucking the dog is an option but it's not the point, it's about seeing the relaxation and trust in their increasingly empty eyes, creating a space of absolute control and inspiring the kind of thoughtless love and loyalty of an owned pet. Being wanted and needed so badly that they would do anything for you to just rub them behind the ears and tell them that they're good. I don't want to fuck the dog, I want to tire the dog out from games and affection and then pull it into my lap here it feels so safe and comfortable that it falls asleep with a few soft whines. If you can't do kink without doing sex then you will not survive the winter

#😭#i have to learn how to communicate this bc sometimes this is exactly it #sometimes its -actually no i don't want to have sex but i do wanna be your dog you rough house with and then take a nap at your feet

endreal

given that prominent mammaries only occur in mammals and of those only a vanishingly small number of species possess them as permanent anatomical features vs. the sheer number of Hymenoptera and Arachnida - plus the presence of striking or unusual gluteal structures or adornments in many vertibrate species - Mother Nature has really given us a shockingly clear answer to the question "tits or ass?"

#snork

quotespile

“You have to talk, otherwise your head turns into a cemetery.”

— Chuck Palahniuk, Consider This

#siiiiigh

Dude how am I alive rn

meatdiaz

what they don’t tell you about online relationships is how easy it is to ruin them by simply having nothing to say. i like you so much but i don’t know how to hang out with you in silence. i don’t know how to text like a person so now you think i hate you. aaaaaaaaa

vitamaeternum

This is a major issue I've found with online relationships. Ironically, despite actually meeting people IRL being more difficult, hanging out IRL is so much easier, since you can just sit with someone and vibe whereas if you're on the phone then you're just sitting in silence with the magic slab.