𝒃𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒕𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒅

just telling the truth

[beintertwined]

The most uncomfortable feelings is, when you found the person you want but you and him realized that there is no future no matter how long you and him been together

[beintertwined]

After-touched (true story)

Ep 1

He was there, he is so tall and then seemed like walked towards me, to approach me. I was sitting alone and I didn't know what to say, I'm kinda shy. And then he sat beside me and touches me so gentle. This stranger that I already had deal to meet at that time really made my heart pounding so fast. He whispered to my ear in the middle of noises that the bar made, he said.. "Do you feel comfortable with my touches?",

[beintertwined]

Changes

It's really unpredictable, the way that he changed into stranger, into someone that I never knew before. I am really dissapointed by this. But again, I can't even make him come back to me. Stupid choice if I ask him to return, cause he was the person who wants to stop everything, also this relationship. But his reason never make sense in my mind. He said, "I'm not capable to maintain this good relationship". That's really blaming me to give him the greatest relationship ever. Then why.. Why he never be thankful for that.

I know, no matter how much I did ask about what happened between us, he will never come back.

[beintertwined]

Relationship to Relationshit

I never knew that someone could change so much less than a week. The things he said before this things happened, are too sweet until I never thought my intuition is real. After 8 months knowing each other and almost 6 months being together, he asked to end this relationship and said he wasn't ready to maintain this good relationship, but he kept looking for someone else on another app. Okay, here's the climax, where I am so mad at him until cursing him a lot on text. It's too annoying to text btw, I know, but all my calls through all app I used with him, are rejected. He even blocked me. What a shame.

Again, relationship it's not about ready or not. It's about you want to fight together or not. And he chose to give up before the war. Which makes him looks like coward.

I will not get so mad or crazy if he didn't ask me as his girlfriend, if he didn't say want to marry me, want to travel the world with me, have a future with me, even ask where I want to live if I stay with him, or if he didn't say he loves me everyday. He changes so much when I am at the lowest of my life cycle, which is I am in chaos situation. I need someone to accompany me and sure I hope it's him. Since he ever experienced the same, I hope he would give the time for me. But he simply said, "I had problems too". Relationship were so romantic, now really turns to Relationshit.

[beintertwined]

Now I know, if someone tells you he loves you so many times and all of sudden forget to say that and also kept telling he's busy, he has nothing to give to you again. The love is lost. -beintertwined, 00:59

[beintertwined]

Hopeless

I was so happy back then, I thought I really have the opportunity to reach my dream. Again.. I was

[beintertwined]

I feel I ruined my plans, I ruined things that I want so bad, I even ruined myself, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, again I'm sorry.

[beintertwined]

Hey, it's been a long time no see~

When I am writing this, the sun outside there is so warm. A lot of people around me. They're with their partner, friends, families, so much smile that they gave to each other. I was like that. Glad if they can still enjoy the life under the sunshine.

I am also watching a Youtube like art vlog. I am as an artist feel the same when painting, there's emotion that we can't talk with our mouth, or it's not enough to show with our eyes by crying, or not fair to keep it in our heart. So, painting is the solution, even though in the process always feel painful too because it's not easy. I used to expecting something when painting, so when it's out of what I imagined, the more frustated I feel.

These days, I was to focus to prepare things. I had deutsch course, work, focus to family, to pay the bills, and others. I was feeling those things I did were too much. I even had to sacrifice more than I could. But people gonna say, "God will never give problems out of your ability to hold it, to solve it". For me, it became more testing me, more annoying, more painful. What an awesome pain.

I was wishing if I could have four brains, eight hands, and maybe 4 mouths too. I was wishing I am heartless and always ignore things around me who distracting me and never care about me. Sometimes I ask to myself, why I do care about those human when they never even care about me.

Yeah, this kind of thought leads me to the dark room again. The room where I feel I am the only human that can choose to stay or to leave. Depends.

I want to say, how much I hate this room, how much I want to escape but I never feel there's any hand gonna help me, gonna pull me out. Things getting more pushing me to that darkness, hugged by the feelings of unrecognized by the surroundings.

I feel I live with the hardest way to breath, even my bones feel the hurt. Continously.

I don't know how to stop, I don't know how to run away from this.

I'm tired to get validation if there's any human love me or care about me.

I'm the human who even never want to be exist in this verse.

I wanna say deeply sorry to myself.

[beintertwined]

Ruang Gelap

Kini aku hanya berdiam sendiri di sebuah ruangan yang entah berantah, gelap dan terkadang aku merasa takut. Keheningan itu seakan memelukku erat hingga tak bisa bernafas dengan baik, memecah setiap rencana yang pernah ku buat dengan positif. Aku kini terjebak lagi dalam rangkaian tragedi masa lalu, yang seharusnya tidak pernah aku rasakan lagi atau diungkit lagi.

Dingin atau panasnya udara sudah bukan lagi sesuatu yang dapat aku takutkan, karena itu hanya sesuatu yang lewat. Aku ingin semua memori buruk itu berlalu seperti udara yang tidak jelas itu. Bahkan aku ingin semuanya terhapus, bagai mengganti sebuah rumah, tinggal di tempat baru.

Tapi apa dayaku, yang hanya selalu bisa terdiam menyerap semua energi lama, semua pilu, hingga aku lupa cara untuk meminta pertolongan. Bayangan gelap itu kini menyeruak ke seluruh ruangan memandangku dalam keheningan. Tak perlu waktu lama, kini ia menggenggam kaki ku, lalu tangan, dan mencekikku. Aku terlupakan. Aku yang kini menghilang, digerogoti oleh yang tak seharusnya kembali. Luka. Di ruang gelap.

[beintertwined]

I Want To Say This

Hey, it hurts. Being all alone for a long time. Even when I’m at my house, or with big family, or at a school, with friends, with co-worker, or at mall, seems crowded but I feel alone. Feels like the loneliness killing me slowly. Going through my bone and stay in my blood. I’m battling this anxiety for 15 years. Maybe I look like overreacting for you, But yeah, I can’t ask for help, I keep in the same place, same situation that... Too much things that I think at the same time. Too much choices that I have to choose at the same time. Also too much actions that I have to do at the same time. Am I a machine? or am I a slave? I want to quit. From everything. I want to stop. From understanding everything. I want to run. From everyone who needs me. And I want to scream. Cause I really need help. I want to be loved. Cause this emptiness hugging me so tight. I want to cry. Cause the scars that I cured with band aid still hurts. And... Yeah... Fuck the world Fuck everything No one can understand I can run for them but they can’t do it to me No one can understand I can cry for them but they can see me hurting myself No one can understand I can screaming in silence but they keep laughing on my tragedy World.. Just wants me to die or just wants me live like I’m dying Hopeless

[beintertwined]

Biru

Seorang anak perempuan sedang menatap langit yang luas dan biru. Ia merasa tak cukup sekali untuk memutar badannya agar dapat melihat langit itu secara keseluruhan. Hingga ia terjatuh di atas rumput hijau dan berbaring, kembali ia menatap langit di hari Minggu itu dan berkata, “Kapan aku bisa berenang di sana? Kapan aku bisa terbebas?“, anak perempuan itu pun menaruh kedua tangannya di bawah kepala, lalu ia tersenyum dan berkata dalam hatinya kapan? kamu tidak memiliki waktu bebas itu

[beintertwined]

I hope that he could be my happy ending

For almost 5 years, I tried to find someone, a man that could be the great partner for me, to talk with, to support each other when we have ambition to reach the goals, someone that could give a warm hug in 30 minutes to boost our energy, someone that can makes me feel I’m worth to feel loved, someone who can always be there.

After a lot of meetings with so many type of men, finally I met someone, finally I knew the name that I can mention in every prayer that I did to God. It’s him from Stade, German. His kindness, his thought, his minds, his attitude, completely like what I always ask to God before I knew him. It feels like finally God gives me His answer.

1 month feels like a year. “Good morning, Guten Tag, also Good Night and Have a sleep well”, I received them all from him. For the first time, after 5 years, there’s someone who fill the empty space in me. I really feel he could be the man that I really want to be my husband, to be the person that build family with me. A great partner.

And to make those dreams come true, I prayed so hard, to God. I really mentioned his name every hour with another dua. I really really feel that he’s the man that I’ve been searching for a long time. And for the first time, I cried. I cried really a lot and so loud. Because, for the first time, I met a man, that really respecting woman, that really humble, and care about every little thing that I like. He knows that I love sweets, I love to see about his country, until he always capture every sweets foods also capture the view of his city and while he on train to the office. I really fall in to his messages in this 1 month.

I know it’s still 1 month, people might laughing on this story. But for me, who had experienced bad things with someone, with a lot of weight on my shoulder from any aspects in my life, this is the greatest presents that I received from God in this month and I don’t wanna lose it. I really don’t wanna lose it. I don’t wanna lose the chance to finally get married by this year. I really don’t wanna lose him. I feel so sure about this.  I really hope.. God could listen to all my prayers. Cause I don’t wanna be alone again.

[beintertwined]

Recently, I like someone. I really like him. For the first time using a platform for almost 7 years, finally meet someone abroad and he has the same religion like me. We talked for 2 months and very intense like every hour we texted each other and I ever asked if he'd feel bored, but then he answered, "don't worry".

And also often say good morning and good night. We really don't have a gap in 2 months to not texting. You know, this is something that built a feelings in me. I feel comfortable and he really different than other men, he really respect me as a woman. That's very rare.

Until I prayed harder to God, every sujood I would mention his name and asking God's permission to let me love one of his human. I really pray until I cried a lot. This is my first time praying for a man because I'm sure he's the right man to be my partner of life.

After a lot of praying. Suddenly he said that he gotta go to a place, to meet a girl, maybe it could be an engagement. My heart feel burned. But, I knew about this. He said again, he'll follow the flow, because he's not sure again to that girl but still gonna fly to her country.

And suddenly too, I feel bad. Really bad. Because.. I'm afraid if I'm the one who made them be in bad situation because of all my prayers. I cried so hard because I feel restless and sad and confused if it's really because of my prayers, because I'm too impatient. I don't wanna be someone's nightmare..

I said sorry to him with terrible voice, cause I cried too much at that time. And he just said, "Don't worry and it's really I felt that she's not sure again". And.. yeah.. I still feel bad even he tried a lot to made me understand that's not my fault. And.. at that time too, for the first time he gave me hug emoji.

I just don't know.. I still don't wanna give up. I really curious where it's gonna be. But, again, the more happiness come, the more I feel scared to lose someone. But I.. finally.. really hope a man could be my husband. And I'm sure that he could be that man..

[beintertwined]

Finally I told you, that I'm tired of this undefined relationship. On that bed, I told you that I want to move on. And I told you that I don't feel this anymore. After that all that you can say just 'Okay'. Before that day, you never put attention to all of my feelings, kind have a distance even if we're in the same room. But only on that day, after I told you my decision, you hugged me from dark to light, you kissed me while I was sleeping. I don't know what you mean, but it could be a sign for our last journey.

beintertwined, 20:29

[beintertwined]

This is the final journey of me and him. The things that we've been through seems not clear anymore. Blurry and too unpredictable. It might lead us to something that we don't want.

I told him how unclear our relationship is. On that bed, we talked a lot like heart to heart. But we definetly don't have the same feelings so I can say that we talked just being honest to each other.

I told him, that I have another chance with another man, I said that man offering me so much things that I need like how he care about me, give so much attention, and etc.

After that he said, "it's okay, good for you to have that now. I don't feel hurt, it's okay"

But, after that, we sleep with hugged each other.. we kissed, I think the intimacy more growing. I don't know why he changed so fast.

But again, I feel sorry for him cause I can't do this anymore cause I don't feel I'm liking him like yesterday, such torturing when I waited for him for a long time

Again, I lose him and win another chance

[beintertwined]

About The Other Butterfly

I always dreaming to have someone out from this country, abroad. But, I never expected that I will get to know this guy. Let us call him Butterfly 2.

We knew each other since January 2022 through a platform that connect us with people abroad. No need to swipe right of left, you can immediately chat with the person you want. And I texted him first. I feel he would be the good guy that I imagined.

We started it with a good mood, a good conversation. There's a lot of things that we talked, from personal life to career, until about ourselves. Well, I never thought we could end up chat through Telegram until now June 2022.

He ever slightly gave me a spark like "if we're near, maybe I would like to date you". I just keep replying "then come to my country", but there's no answer about that. We keep talking about another topic. He's the mysterious scorpio who has the same birth month with mine, October. But I'm libra.

After a lot of things that we talked, we discussed, I see him as a person really kind and never let me feel sad or stressed alone. He is so fast on responding my chat eventhough he has a lot of tasks at his office. He would did selfie to me just to show me what he's doing thay day.

I feel grateful having him. But a little bit tired because it feels like Long Distance Relationship nevertheless I don't know what kind of relationship that we had.

But he really support me, he never let me drowning in my negative minds. But again, the more I wanting him, the more it might hurt or the more he might leave.

That's why I try to find another butterfly or maybe just focus on myself. Cause, if he would come to my house, maybe I'm gonna explode.

[beintertwined]

Terkadang, perasaan itu datang untuk menjemput mimpi. Tapi ekspektasi mengubah segalanya menjadi gelap.

beintertwined, 23:40