a thing that took me a long time to figure out is that the type of person that does this doesnt care so much about you doing the thing in itself.
What they truly want is for you to be the kind of person who notices these things and goes out of their way to help. What they want is to feel that you are paying attention to them and their needs because they see that as a sign that you care about them. And of course all of that is busted if they have to actually ask for it. The fact that they have to actually ask means that you didnt notice on your own which in their mind means you are innatentive and inconsiderate. Because, they reason, someone who truly cares would notice these things.
Now of course by the time you are doing stupid mind games its already too late, this is the person you are with abd you have to recognize that they are not the kind of person you want.
So with that in mind i dont think the solution is actually to ask for the specific thing that bothers you on a given time such as "please do this chore" or "it bothers me when you do X" because if they have to keep asking for every specific thing the real underliying problem of the other person not noticing is still there and the other person is going to continue to be angry every time they have to explicitly ask for every detail.
i think they real thing they need to verbalize is "please, i need you to be more attentive to my needs"
I know its horrible to be given such a broad and unspecified request that is almost asking you to become a completly different person but i think there is a limit to how much you can say "well i just dont notice these things ('these things' being other peoples needs) but is not for a lack of caring, im just blind to it due to [neurodivergence/too distracted by my own stuff/used to different living standards]"
because, i feel, at some point caring for another person means having some theory of mind about the other person, and thus some capacity to anticipate what bothers them and what doesnt. I dont think its that big a standard to expect someone to have some kind of awareness about the wants a needs of a close one that you are living with.
But of course is all a matter of degrees and this expectation can be pushed to the level that the other person is expecting outright mindreading out of you, which is obviously unfair
And i just want to clarify that im saying all this because i have had trouble with this in the past where i was the innatentive person and people kept getting mad at me for not noticing things and eventually it came to a point where i realized "ok at some point im being the asshole for not picking up these details and i should go out of my way to be more attentive"
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