Before the games, during the tests and trials, I had witnessed something in humanity I hadn’t realized I had lost. I witnessed connections born despite memory, simply because souls had been shared. You all had no knowledge of our test runs, the laughs you shared, yet you laughed together over and over despite our attempts to wipe your minds clean.
Oh how I longed for it again. I missed the wind in my wings as I soared through the air, friends who could remember me no matter how much they wanted me to suffer. But that was long gone to me, now I was merely meant to watch.
The plan was quite simple really, make friends, have fun… and pretend it wasn’t all going to end in bloodshed and chaos. Take advantage of the present and ignore the consequences. Until you quite literally blew that plan up in my face. Well, I may have done the blowing up, but you still made such an impact, didn’t you? My life was now pledged to you, potential enemy to all, it was quite the opposite of what I had wanted. But it was so much better.
Your humanity, all of the errors you made, wrong decisions, all of your imperfections, were so beautiful. I had missed imperfections. And it would be a lie to say I didn’t like the violent side. They didn’t even have to change you, you simply did what you pleased the second you fell in that ravine. I was scared they would change you from the perfect imperfection I had once known, but you were already completely compliant in their little plan. Which I should have known would end up hurting us. But you let me in on the ‘fun’ that came about because of your death. I gave into my urges, the taste of fear was truly wonderful, as I had been told. Though it was hard to stomach, remembering all of the good times I had had with all of the ones I was taking it from. But I had the most good times with you.
I didn’t realize when it had truly devolved into chaos. Maybe it was when we blew up the desert, maybe when we fled to the castle, or maybe it was when the king was dead at your hands, and everyone had to turn on each other. In any way, it really didn’t matter.
I never thought you would betray me. It had never crossed my mind. I had thought of betraying you, but I could never bring myself to. But when the paper left your hands, and a cold metallic sword entered mine, I truly understood what these games really were. I was angry, scared, everything I had made everyone else feel, but this time I understood the weight. I wanted to kill you, take revenge for what you’d done, finish this game and leave without caring about the crimes I had committed that now infested every corner of my mind.
But you just wouldn’t let me do that, would you?
Because now I realized you had merely been trying to mimic what we had used to have. You took my life, so you could owe me yours. But there was no going back, no way for us to be together in a world we built and destroyed block by block with our own hands.
So we fought, fair and hard, but you never really stood a change. Not against my hunger, not against my anger, and not against the guilt threatening to eat me up if I couldn’t sever all ties I had left. But that’s the funny part. Your bonds were formed not by memory, but by soul. No matter how clean we wiped your brain, if we deleted everything you had ever known, you would still know me. You wouldn’t know how, or why, but you’d still know. And that hurt the most, because you still loved me.
After you hit the sand, I didn’t fly back up to them. I could have. But I chose to fall, to close my wings and let the same ground that had claimed you and everyone in this battle for life take me as well. They would have to drag me up.
And I knew I was no winner. They called me one, sung my praises, even after I had so clearly defied them. But they knew it was a punishment, they knew forcing me to continue this cycle was the worst punishment they could have inflicted.
But the worst of it all wasn’t the never ending cycle, it was my unrelenting love I felt for you that never let me rest, that rang in my ears at the end of each cycle asking why I did that, why I left you hanging, why I didn’t do more, try to fight, let you all love in peace.
But I couldn’t do those things,
couldn’t love like all of you,
Because I was only ever meant to watch.
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