Beauty in the darkness and the light.

Ramblings and Adventures of a 30-something Autistic woman. Living on my own for the first time, figuring out who I am, learning to love myself, and fighting to build a life I love. Current obsession is Supernatural, but various others (some fandom-related, some not) will likely pop up from time to time. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and trauma issues due to parental emotional abuse. I collect books, and love stories of all kinds. I love making new friends, but tend to run and hide because anxiety. Please be patient with me, I am doing my best. 🌷 🍓 💜 Always Keep Fighting 💜

[mythicalcoolkid]

Asexuality is weird because you’ll be 12 going “wow why are people my age concerned about sex we’re just kids” and then you’re 16 going “wow why are people my age concerned about sex we’re just kids” and then you’re an adult suddenly realizing that other people are attracted to people and want to have sex with them and that’s the normal thing at that age and you’re like oh maybe it’s me

[lazywitchling]

Omg yes. I don’t normally provide commentary on these things, but this is important. A lot of the asexuality posts I saw were about how people assumed there was something wrong with them when they were growing up because they didn’t care about sex like everyone else seemed to. But my experience was more like this post. I assumed there was something wrong with everyone ELSE. So when I was in my mid 20s and still not experiencing sexual attraction, I was still like “but I’ve never wondered if something is wrong with me like the others seem to? So I can’t really be asexual, right?”

Of course, not to discount those who do experience things the other way. I’m just saying that there’s more than one way to notice something is Not Normal and it’s good to be able to see them all.

[belehakalife]

So, apparently I'm only capable of keeping up with one social media site at a time. I really didn't mean to abandon Tumblr, but once I started using Twitter more, it kinda happened anyway. Knowing the way my brain works - I go through phases - I'll be back here more regularly eventually. I'm just not sure when.

The biggest news in my life right now - well, I guess there are two things. One good, one not so much.

Good news is I got a job! I just started working for an inventory service, night shift, going around to different stores & scanning/counting stuff. I'm mostly enjoying it so far, but my anxiety can make me kinda forget that between shifts. I think it'll get better as I get more used to it, but I also have to be careful about how hard I'm pushing myself.

Bad news, the farm I'm living on is being sold. There's still a tiny chance it won't go through, but it almost certainly will. Closing is May 1st, so I'm getting ready to move back to my parents' house. Nice thing about having a job now though is that hopefully I can save up some money and get back out on my own soon-ish. That's the goal, at least.

[bogleech]

junk food is always better than no food

I’ve met people who will actually argue against this (and I suggest just blocking anyone who does) but if your choice is between going hungry and getting fast food or snack food….PLEASE JUST FEED YOURSELF. No food is actually bad enough that it’s better to skip eating entirely. Malnutrition is more dangerous, more immediately, and more long-term than any consequences of eating a damn twinkie or a cheeseburger.

[solrika]

At the peak of my disordered eating, I had a nutritionist who was like “milk and cookies is a good snack because fats+sugars+proteins, but more importantly, it’s food that you’ll eat.” 

[friendraichu]

I think that one of the biggest problems with ableism in America is the sinister “good samaritan” disguise it takes.

So much of the ableism we can observe comes from “good intentions”:

- trying to spot “fake” service dogs

- leaving passive aggressive notes on cars that people think shouldn’t be parked in disabled parking spots

- the entire mess that is the assisted suicide movement

- posting “inspirational” photos, videos, and stories about disabled people without their express permission

- using terms like “special needs” and “differently abled”

- trying to cure conditions that are not inherently harmful/fatal like autism or adhd

- overriding the autonomy of disabled people

The arguments I see for these always come from people who refuse to believe they are perpetuating ableism. They insist that they are trying to help disabled people and that these things are “for their own good”.

But they just perpetuate stereotypes and existing power structures already stacked against us.

Listen to disabled people on disabled issues first and foremost. Neurotypical and able-bodied people cannot be seen as the authority on a community they are not apart of.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Create a life that feels good on the inside. Not one that just looks good on the outside.”

— Jordan Llamas

[theselfcarelifestyle]

I have the courage and the fight in me to get through this.

[belehakalife]

So I haven't really been writing here much longer lately. Partly because I have trouble keeping up with more than one social media site at once - actually, even one is difficult, they're all so fast-paced, but yeah - got a Twitter in November (same username as here), and recently went back to Facebook after avoiding it for like, a year, so that's 3 sites I'm trying to keep up with. (And when I say "keep up with," I mostly mean reading. Actually interacting with people and/or making my own posts is a whole other thing that I am really not good at.)

Anyway. I keep thinking about stuff I want to write here and not doing it, mostly because I know if I start writing I'll end up rambling on for a while and I always feel like I don't have *time*. Which is kind of ridiculous, because dude. I don't have a job. I'm not in school. What the hell else do I have to do with my time? (I mean, I have stuff. Taking care of myself and the house and everything that goes along with that. But still.)

February's a rough month for me. Maybe even the most difficult of the year, but I tend to think that every time things are going rough. "It's just a rough time of year for me." (Dude. Every time of year is a rough time of year for you!) But I honestly do think February is one of the worst. There's a pretty consistent pattern of February being a time when I struggle a lot with self-destructiveness.

I might write more about it later, but I don't particularly want to get into it right now. I've got some memories in mind that I want to explore right now, but I kinda feel like actually doing that would be more triggering than helpful at the moment, so I'm going to not. Just... even at WWC, February was a rough month for me. And it's something I think I need to write about, but not now.

[keikomivra]

misha

[spongebob-autisticquestions]

My Brain: You say this information is important and you need to remember? Pfft! You don’t need notes! I won’t remember, but I’ll convince you that you don’t need to note it down either!

Also My Brain: LOOK AT THIS STUFF ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL INTEREST! I’M GOING TO MEMORISE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT IT!

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

can’t find the name of an old book? reblog w/ a description to ask tumblr for help

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

mine’s about a girl who gets magically transported to a land where she 

fights a dragon, who burns her hair off but she magically survives

apparently she’s meant to be queen, like her great-aunt before her? she’s supposed to be named after her aunt, but actually it’s just her middle name. it also turns out she can never have kids, b/c none of the queens can?

the cover is a girl w/ a sword fighting a dragon in a cave full of gold

there’s a quest? eventually she is transported home.

her mom’s emotionally abusive but at the end it’s revealed this was due to a brain tumor or something, of which she has been cured

there may be dwarves

i think the word ‘queendom’ might be used

the word ‘Queen’ might be in the title and/or the protagonist’s name?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

holy crap THAT’S THE BITCH!!!!!!!

[catgirlcommunist]

I HAVE ONE!! This girl finds a little glass or porcelain cat statue it her grandmoms china cabinet and something something and the her mom os like a fairy queen or something??? :,) i cant remember much but i think about it ALL the time

[belehakalife]

Not sure if anyone else has answered, but I’m pretty certain this is “No Flying In The House” by Betty Brock. :D

[birthdaylobotomy]

i still don’t understand why recovery isn’t romanticized more. getting better after being at your lowest point? working hard and doing what it takes to feel safe again? knowing that occasional dips aren’t the end of the world? changing yourself and ridding your life of toxic behavior/people? i’m sorry that sounds better than any edgy miserable story i’ve ever heard. 

[belehakalife]

Love!

(Disclaimer: this is just one person's rambly thoughts, please take with many grains of salt!)

I have a lot of complex tangly thoughts about this that I can't really word yet, but I think it maybe has something to do with people having different definitions of what "recovery" means?

Like, I've seen a lot of what I think is mostly people who essentially agree with each other disagreeing because they're using different definitions.

People pushing back against the idea of recovery, for instance, because they think the people promoting it mean something like "being or appearing completely neurotypical," and getting angry because that's either not possible, not "that easy," or not even necessarily something to be promoted depending on the situation. Now, if that truly *is* the definition being used, I agree with pushing back against it - but I feel like a lot of times, nobody is actually using that definition and it's just a big misunderstanding.

Personally, my idea of recovery is a lot like what the above post describes.

I'm autistic and I have depression, anxiety, and trauma issues.

Autism, that's a part of me, it's who I am. It's not something to be "cured," but something to be accepted. Sometimes something to be accommodated. Sometimes something to be celebrated. "Recovery" doesn't really apply there.

The rest, the depression, anxiety, and trauma issues - that's more where the idea of recovery comes in for me. For some people, perhaps, recovery might mean a complete absence of these issues.

For me? I've accepted that these are things I'll probably be dealing with for the rest of my life, and I don't find that contradictory to the idea of recovery. Recovery for me is learning to live with these things, to reduce symptoms or accommodate for them when possible, to keep working and fighting for a better and happier life. It's an ongoing journey.

I'm having a hard time finding the right words right now. I have more I want to say, but basically I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I think recovery is still possible for those of us with chronic and/or recurring conditions - that "recovery" doesn't have to mean those conditions are gone/cured, it can also mean learning to live your best and happiest life while still dealing with those conditions.

Again, just one person's rambly thoughts here that may or may not apply to anyone else's life. Don't take it as gospel truth (or even truth at all if it doesn't ring true for you!).

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Tuaw when you haven't said anything for a long time in a social situation and someone is like "wow you are really talkative today, please calm down" and you get really confused and offended because that's not true? You didn't say anything! Then you realize it's sarcasm and try to force a smile even tho it's not funny (honestly I find this so annoying and it happens so many times)

[belehakalife]

(A bit of tangential personal rambling ahead, feel free to ignore!)

Ugh, I hate this. Stuff like this has always bothered me - at first because it used to take me a while to catch on, and now because it reminds me of how people used that to make fun of me.

This was actually one of the main things I remember my middle school bullies doing. It seems like such a little thing, teasing me for being quiet - "Stop being so loud, you're disturbing me!" I often feel like it shouldn't have been so upsetting to me, it seems ridiculous that it bothered me as much as it did.

I never really felt like I could talk to anyone about it because it just sounded silly. Seems like that's the case with most of my trauma...the specific actions and words are often so minor or even absurd out of context.

I remember back in college, I was on a retreat with some people in my dorm, and the RD's husband - a really nice guy - was making jokes like this about me being quiet. And I knew that it was just good-natured teasing, and it took me a while to figure out why it was making me uncomfortable. Eventually I realized that it was because he was saying the same kind of things as those middle school bullies.

And I was angry at them for ruining that for me. This was a totally different situation, and the jokes were meant to make me feel included rather than excluded. I *like* that kind of good-natured teasing because so often people see me as too fragile/innocent/sweet to take it!

It just so happened that the specific words used were a trigger to past trauma. And I didn't want to say anything to the guy, because first, I knew he'd feel bad and it wasn't his fault, he had no way of knowing; and second, I was afraid if I said something, he'd stop with the good-natured teasing altogether and I'd once again be the fragile/innocent/sweet girl that everyone had to be nice to.

Not sure where I was going with this. But this post made me think of this stuff, and I wanted to write about it, so. I wrote about it. At some point I want to write some more about this kind of stuff, I've had ideas I've been turning over in my head for a few months now but haven't taken the time to sit down and try to put them into words yet. Realizations I've had about why certain things make me uncomfortable. There are still pieces that haven't quite been connected yet, but it'll all come together eventually. My brain is weird/cool like that.

[lov-ing-ly-deactivated20260228]

If youre over the age of 20 and lost all your teen years to mental illness and never got to be normal, or have healthy relationships, went down the wrong path or diddnt have the right nurturing support from BOTH your parents and now you have to sort of catch up on your life whether thats getting your license, getting your GED, starting college, fixing your mental health, or starting things you told yourself to start or try again and again no matter what it is, and trying to fight to live and accomplish shit you FEEL you should have accomplished as a teenager but diddnt have the capacity or insight to care about due to mental illness.

I am so incredibly sorry, and im thankful youre here and alive and trying!!! also;

You are N O T a failure you took your time because you couldnt put more on yourself than you could bear to carry and that is a mark of self care so dont ever feel bad about it

I am so fucking proud of you, youre trying your hardest to get to the top even though it may be harder now, you could have given up but you havent and for that you are victorious and i am in awe of you.

[fetalfawns-deactivated20181229]

I needed this, thank you

[ruffboi-mags]

I got my GED when I was 30 and now at 32 I’m about to start my freshman year of college.

I’m pretty confident in myself but thank you. This sort of support and encouragement means the world to me in a world that would try to tell me I’m a failure for taking so long.

[out-in-the-open]

samgirlsclub appreciation meme - Prompt: Kind

Kindness is doing something and not expecting anything in return. Kindness is respect and helping others without waiting for someone to help one back. The act of not just being nice, but showing sympathy and understanding.True kindness is often understood through true pain

Here are some instances that showcase Sam’s kindness. These were very hard to chose because Kindness is Sam’s middle name and it just wasn’t possible to make 218 gifs. 

[belehakalife]

It’s been a rough couple of days. Prayers/good thoughts are appreciated.

My Grandma (dad’s mom) passed away early yesterday morning. She lived a good long life, 97 years, but it’s still rough. She was my last grandparent left. We were fairly close, as I lived with her for a couple of years after college. Her funeral is on Tuesday; I’ll be singing “Amazing Grace” as the prelude. (I don’t know how many times she asked me over the past 15 years or so if I would sing at her funeral, haha...she’s been planning it for a long time. I always told her that I would, so. I will.)

Then this morning, my mom’s oldest brother passed away. He was only 64. He had Alzheimer’s and wasn’t doing well, but I don’t think anyone expected this. We thought he’d be around for a while yet. I’ve never lost an uncle (or aunt, for that matter) before and I’m at a loss for how to even process and deal with this.

My best friend and former roommate, who lives 4 hours away from me, had to make the heartbreaking decision to put her beloved cat down, and that happened today as well. I know she must be absolutely devastated. I don’t have words right now to describe the special bond between my friend and her cat, but they were family, you know? My friend has said more than once that they saved each other. And I hate that I can’t be there for her in person right now. And I don’t know what to say. Nothing I say can really make it better, you know? (I have messaged her with my sympathies, but it doesn’t feel like enough.)

And on top of all that, my youngest brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend, whom I *really really* liked. I honestly thought they’d get married, and I was all for it. I would love to have her as a sister-in-law. But anyway. He’s obviously pretty upset about that on top of losing Grandma and Uncle J. He had been living up north with her, on site at the place they both worked, but is now moving back home to our mom and dad’s house.

It’s a lot to deal with all at once. (Oh, and I’m working with Vocational Rehab on trying to find a job, and will have to reschedule my meeting for this week because it’s the same day as Uncle J’s funeral. And there’s been somebody interested in buying the farm where I’m living, and it’s looking more and more like it might actually happen, which, depending on when it happens and whether I’ve got a job by that point or not, may end in me moving back to my parents’ house as well.)

So yeah. A lot to deal with. And I know no one in my family would understand this, but honestly? Supernatural is what I’m holding onto to get me through this. Supernatural and “Always Keep Fighting” and memories of MinnCon and the goal I’m working towards of going to another con this year.

[spillywolf-deactivated20190920]

Are you a “please don’t ever touch me ever” or “I survive on hugs and cuddles” kind of person

[autistickeely]

I’m the first one, I only ever cuddle my dogs.

[spongebob-autisticquestions]

Rabbits can cuddle me, anyone else please keep away!

[belehakalife]

Mostly second (depends on the person), but people always seem to assume I’m the first. Which sucks. Because I don’t know how to tell them differently. The subject usually just doesn’t come up. Not that I have anyone around these days to hug me anyway. I’ve managed to isolate myself pretty thoroughly. So I end up feeling really touch-starved. It’s gotten a little better since my nephew was born, though. No need for words with him. 

[autismisaokay]

To my fellow autistics; what’s food for you that is sensory heaven? Both in texture and in flavor.

[belehakalife]

Puffcorn! Yummy and salty and buttery and that lovely crunchy but also kind of melt-in-your-mouth texture.

Mashed potatoes! Also yummy and salty and buttery, but smooth and creamy.

Bread! Especially when it's fresh-baked and warm and soft on the inside. With melty butter.

(I feel like there's a bit of a theme here flavor-wise 😂)

I know there are other things too, but those are the only ones I can think of right now.