Belle of Bengal

learning to live with borderline personality disorder

[belleofbengal]

U can feel my mind degenerating again . I’m sinking.

[belleofbengal]

I wish my brain would be half as active as it is during the day as it is at night .

[belleofbengal]

I have lived a very wasteful life. I’ve wasted time and money and things. I’ve wasted opportunities. Going forward, it’s all going to be about sustainable living. Not one drop will go to waste.

[elenianz-deactivated20200816]

Happy Halloween, fellow HP fans! Here’s a postcard for you xoxo

[gahdamnpunk]

ALL 👏🏾 OF 👏🏾 THEM 👏🏾

[knitmeapony]

This post goes harder than any post has ever gone before.

[belleofbengal]

I want to kill myself.

But not in the way I did before.

I don’t want to lie down quietly on my bed, my stomach full of alcohol and drugs, wondering if I’ll feel it when it happens or if I’ll just drift off.

I don’t want to regret the instant I inflict that searing pain on my skin , but carry on because there’s no way back from here.

I don’t want to wonder if ceiling fans can bear the weight of plus sized people.

I don’t want to wait till the last ring, the last hope that someone will tell me to stay.

I want to kill myself, but not that way.

I want to snuff the lights out of that product of parents I loved but couldn’t grow to respect. One parent who always got his way, ALWAYS. And one who loved me too much to tell me I wasn’t special.

Smother that outcome of years of participation in mind numbing ritual idiotification. Ishwar as my witness, this was not how it was meant to be.

Strangle this baby who just learned to walk and that walk is a stumbling, bumbling inconvenience with the cherry of an apologetic smile.

Kill this human, this whatever it is , whose reality is maggots and flies and stepping over dirty laundry, neglect , keeping up and comfort zones.

Kill it before it kills me. Kill it before it hurts the ones I love any more.

A death of the spirit sparing the flesh.

[belleofbengal]

It’s always been an option

Jumping off the roof

Hanging myself

Drinking poison

ODing on sleeping pills

It’s always there as a back up plan.

Like if something doesn’t work out, or I’m feeling like I’m just done, atleast there’s that. I could kill myself. It’s a get out of jail free card .

It has to stop looming like an option. It has to stop being an escape route. I have to stop needing an escape route. I’m here to stay. For better or for worse, I’m here to stay..

[whatreallyareyousure]

Blaming immigration for the mosque attacks is like blaming women working for workplace sexual harassment

[dreamilypurpleoutcast]

[thatcuriouswench]

Well said.

[fierceawakening]

“I do not know how to argue empathy at someone”

That.

[belleofbengal]

Manatee: .__.

Sailor: ay matey, this siren beckons!

Manatee: .__.

Sailor : curse her wily charms, she calls me out to the tempestuous sea! Aye my loins burn, I must whet my appetite and wet my timber.

Manatee: .___.

Sailor: * jumps into raging ocean dick first*

Sailor : *dies*

[rivaiiuzumaki]

can we be family

if you believe,

apples don’t fall far from their trees,

and all the apples are rotten to the core.

If you believe,

 that the sky is blue,

only for you.

Can we be family?

If you believe, 

that the honeybees,

are dying and 

your hands are clean.

if you see fallen leaves

and you only notice which trees,

they belong to.

can we be family?

If you believe,

that when the birds fly south,

for winter, they’re using too much space.

if you truly believe,

that a bull sees colour, 

and its rage against us is based on that.

can we be family?

If you cannot unsee,

the borders the barriers,

Cannot unhear,

the thundering lies.

cannot disbelieve,

the projections of hatred.

we cannot be family.

[belleofbengal]

Adulting story #1

I guess I'll just wait for the officials to come and revoke my adult card.

I am a teacher of little ones. And a large lady of 24. But a wee dragonfly got into my room this night. Knowing I'd be braver around a real dragon, I had no choice but to call reinforcements. My poor mum is nearly 60 and half asleep at this point, but had no choice but to climb upstairs to tackle my tormentor. But it was gone. Flown out a window, most likely. So she left. But I knew these sorts. they sense impending squashing, So they know when to hide and lurk. But they also sense fear. Oh, they relish. As I dimmed the lights and tried to relax, for once I wished for my mother to be right. But then, of course, something touched my toes. Bursting into a full throated scream, I scrambled up and hit the lights. I scanned the foot of my bed for that compound-eyed Savage. But, it wasn't it. It was a completely different wee thing. It was a sparkly silver foam princess crown that my friend cut out to decorate her daughter's birthday party. The end.

[belleofbengal]

[belleofbengal]

Today was an interesting day. At around 6:30pm I realised that I haven't felt that cringing sensation of anxiety in my chest all day. It comes and goes sometimes, but u dunno, I feel rather hopeful this time. My meds are probably kicking in finally. I went to my first ever drumming class today. It was at a little church relatively far from my place. Like 20minutes by auto. The place was charming, the other students were accommodating and nice and the teacher is a friend of mine so over all I was pretty comfortable. He asked me to sit behind the kit and just feel it out and when I did, for some reason, I felt very powerful. It was a confidence booster. My mother seems to have come to terms with my unconventional choices in life. She wants me to join Kathak classes with her as a way to bring out our literary side, build confidence and grace and of course we both do love dancing. Not once did she mention me going to college all day. I managed to go up quite a few levels in my Duolingo lessons though I feel like they give me more credit than I deserve. It's a programme though, what did I expect. But the feeling of emptiness, you know. That's been bugging me all day. I feel soo empty inside. I know no matter what I do, that's going to come back. That's the feeling that drives me to do stupid things. I hate it.

[rivaiiuzumaki]

All my friends have plans. They’re moving in with their lives. Some are moving to different parts of the country. Some to different countries altogether. And I am stagnant. The sun rises and sets and I have no apparent displacement.

I admit that I lack willpower. I always have. I have never been much of a fighter. Quitting and running is more my style. I try different things, I stick to it for a couple of days, but then something goes wrong and I have to get out of there, as if I am a chicken in a poultry farm. Wow that was dark.

So unless I’m more stable, I’m afraid of committing to anything that’s big and important. Because I know half way through I will flake out.

So what I need to do while I’m on this hiatus is make sure I don’t waste my time. I have to make sure I have something to show for.

Now the whole point of the hiatus is to kill stress and anxiety , so I have to make sure I don’t inadvertently stress myself out trying to be crazy productive.

Perfectionist, I am. Crazy, I be -_- so that’s another root of the anxiety. Well, let’s just take it easy.

[belleofbengal]

Accidentally posted this on my other account.

[belleofbengal]

[belleofbengal]

Told my mum

Last night I had a dream that one of the guys I was obsessed with a couple of years back had come into town and after a lot of getting side tracked, we managed to find some privacy. My brain recalled the feeling of the hug we once shared and some how constructed the feeling of kissing him, which was beautiful. I woke up feeling nostalgic.

I told my mother about the treatment. I hadn’t before because I didn’t want to burden her. She is under inhumane stress . but I told her, because I didn’t want to inadvertently hurt her or cause any more stress. And now she’s taking care of me.

I can’t seem to shake this feeling though. The smell in the air, the temperature, all of it reminds me of exam time at my old school. The ghost of the pre exam jitters still haunts me. It feels sweet now. Because I never have to go back there. But it feels cold and hard, it feels like lead, when I realise, everything is gone.

I might never find love or peace or success. I’ve always wanted fame and that might be gone. Not gone. none of these were ever mine. Yesterday I decided to come to terms with being a loser. Whatever my brain defines as a loser. I guess at least then, at the end of my life, I’ll feel as though I’ve lived and was not just alive.