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|our minds are the triggers|17|don't let your purpose be just trying to find it|stay alive&stay street|-/

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

Think of life

as a sea or an ocean. And let's say.. I've never really been good at swimming. But you know, no one likes to admit their failures, neither did I. So I kept suffocating and drowning and I also kept quiet. And since no one knew, no one helped. After a while I realized, I was gonna die this way. So I decided to throw myself lifebelts every once in a while. And they helped - for sometime. They could've been people that I have decided to feel more for than I actually did. They cou1ld've been memories that I changed a bit so I could handle and process them later. They could've been dreams that I only created so I would have a reason to get up in the morning. Time passed by and I thought 'yeah I'll be a doctor and I'll save lives and it's all gonna be fine' and I childishly believed that no one's ever gonna die anymore. And as I grew older and older I saw more pieces of this dirty, fucked up world and I realized - no, that's not how things work. So I decided to be a psychologist because I could't stand the thought of not having a future plan. Besides that, I started to learn new languages. I learnt to play instruments. I started writing a book. And I also finished it which I thought I never will. At a very early age - 16 - I have already achived more than a lot of people achive throughout their whole lives. And other kids were jealous. They envied the success that they thought I had. And I was jealous of them. And I envied the life that they had. Because what did I have? I was a complete trainwreck that created goals, fake loves and fake friends in her mind when she felt she would fell apart. But honestly, she never felt like she was together. I was typically that kind of kid that would be gone suddenly and people would just stop for a second and say 'I never thought she would do that. She had a great life, there are people who have it a lot wo1rse.'. And then they would shrug and say 'whatever' then turn a page in the book and continue on living. And just one night when I couldn't sleep - I mean I could have, I just didn't want to because I had too many scary thoughts in my head - I was like; I want more than that. And I was watching this band that I just discovered and was obsessed by (commercial time: IDKHBTFM) and at that moment I knew it doesn't ever matter if people think my plan is not responsible. That I'm wasting time and money for something that's clearly unnecessary. Maybe I will regret it later. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life repeating one simple question - what would have been if..

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

and he had a heart pure as the sunlight that shone down on him and he had those eyes deep as the ocean that he sank in and he had that smile wild as the love that i felt for it

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

i know it might be too late to say …

all things i wish were said before

i know it might be too late to feel afraid

but i guess i will never grow old

enough to release the pain

to let go of the blood in my veins

to empty my mind from these filthy thoughs

to find he word replaced by dots

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

1. do you know what i like about you?

i really like your eyes. i don't even know what colour they are; i only know the feeling burning in me; under my chest; between my veins; inside my cells. and i really like your smile. the way your lips curl up every time you speak. i like that you speak a lot. i like the way you lift your knee and swing your arms when you say something weird. i like that you always talk about weird things. i like that you come up with the worst jokes at the worst times. i like that they still make the best out of every second. i like that you admit childish cartoons as your guilty pleasure. i like that despite that you're in your mid-20's. i like the things about you that you hate. i like you.

[drunk-on-writing]

i think i fear death or maybe i just fear what happens after (or what doesn’t) the unanswered questions, the endless theories and explanations yet none of them concrete my body and soul no longer two, but becoming one and what will happen to each of them? because no one knows for sure, and those who do can’t answers my questions  i think i fear death or maybe i just fear the pain a blinding, agonizing fire erupting around me; i don’t want to go down in flames a suffocating sea consuming me; i don’t want to drown a sleep that never ends; it should be peaceful but i still worry for the day i’ll never open my eyes again i think i fear death or maybe i fear the thought of my heart slowing down and feeling it or my eyes still open but slowly seeing nothing or my mind still reeling but eventually ceasing in thought or me, ceasing in being and experiencing every second of it

(cc, 2017)

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

are you brave or insane if you decide to trade the sure bad for the unsure better but in the end you might have nothing left ?

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art.

Kurt Cobain

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

here, have this oddly cute dog on your feed

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

1. The guy that I like? Well last month I really liked a guy with shoulder-long blonde hair and a bass guitar in his hands, wearing leather pants and black boots. I wanted to hit on him but I was too shy and you could see that he wasn’t loved for his deep and meaningful thoughts. Before that I liked a guy; also blonde but his eyes were like the surface of the ocean under the sunlight. He was such a clever guy with huge ambitions. His future was just as bright as his pretty eyes. And before you’d think that I fall for the “my blonde prince will come” kind of cliché, I don’t. Because right before that, I liked a dark haired and dark eyed, Tumblr-looking guy with no plans, no expectations, no commitments. He was the trouble you needed to feel like you were young and wild once. Back in elementary school, there was another guy. Dark hair but light eyes, occasionally changing from blue to green. I’m still trying to forget that crush. Anytime anyone comes over, the first question right after my grades is “so what’s up with the boys?”, followed by an awkward smile full of regrets, embarrassment and anxiety. “Are they still stupid?” Let me tell you another secret. Boys can be stupid, yes. But they will never be that kind of stupid that you’re referring to. No one ever can be “stupid” enough to be left behind. Have you seen the movie “Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”? If you haven’t yet, you definitely should. Cause I’m just like Joel. I’m not an attention-seeking little girl, I can just fall in love easily. Because I can love everyone who shows me the smallest kind of kindness. But am I really in love? Probably not. And how do I know that? Because everytime I liked someone, I thought, I would never be able to forget any of it, any of them. But I did, because now I like a guy with long, blonde, curly hair and a pleasant, awkward smile and eyes, the eyes that can dig deep into your soul. He’s short, like me and I know he’s more of a cat person just from the way he looks at people and I’d think it’s a problem, because I’m more of a dog person but it wouldn’t be because actually, we could have both. We’d cuddle on the couch with some beer in our hands and I wouldn’t like its taste but still I would drink it and we’d watch horror movies and I’d be afraid but I would laugh to make fear seem less scary. I’d send him pictures of animals that I meet on the street but we’d spend the nights having conversations about life and just generally contemplating ours because we’d both be night-thinkers and day-dreamers. We’d go for rides in the middle of nowhere and I’d be afraid but he’d keep me going and I’d love it. He would sing to me and I would listen as there weren’t any other voices in the whole world. He’d tell me I was beautiful and I’d tell him he was beautiful too and if you think boys can’t be beautiful then you have clearly never seen such a beauty as him. He would be a piece of art and I’d be the one trying to paint it but I couldn’t because he would be so much more than I ever could be. But he’d love me, and I’d love him even more. So how do I know it’s not love? Because next month I will think the same only of another guy. Because this cruly piece of beauty has already forgotten me but I know I never will because he was a part of my life and I tried to change for him, for the better. It’s weird, because I have never even shared a word with any of them. And you know what? It has never mattered.

from the book that I might never write

[sectumsempraworld]

It makes me sad. It makes me really sad that many people believe boys can’t get mentally ill. Many people say things like for example “only girls are anorexic” or “depression is a girls-thing”. But that’s bullshit. Boys can get every kind of mental illness. Mental illnesses aren’t gender specific. Society needs to understand that. So please if you are a guy or identify as male or a girl who wants to support guys with mental illnesses, give this post a like and share it. To all the boys out there: you are not alone and you don’t have to be ashamed. We love you. ♡

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

I'm dying to live

All time low

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

because you keep telling me, i shouldn’t expect anyone to love me until i don’t learn to love myself. but how am i supposed to love myself if you make sure i feel like i’m not worthy of any of it?

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

and they said "but you know she's having it a lot worse than you, don't you?" and i replied "i do" but i thought "then you know nothing about me"

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

let me tell you a story. the kid in your class who seems to have it all, who seems to be put together and the one who seems so be the most ambitious, is the most insecure of them all. because at daylight they might get good grades, wear those cool jeans they just got and talk about future plans but at night when it's dark and quiet, they are the ones who can not fall asleep. they just lay there and think and stare at the beautifully painted wall, feeling just as empty as it happened to be because they are also the ones who have nothing and no one to think about. it looks like they have it all figured out. but in reality, they have no plans. they have no dreams. all they have are just these pathetic life belts they created just to have a reason to get up in the morning. "not today, i have this test that i preapred for so hard" "not today, i've got to make this presentation that i worked hours on" "not today, i promised sarah to give her pencil back" the smallest things matter the most. those stupid little things that they build in front of themselves from step to step, barely leaving out a step on the stair so they always have something to look forward to. there's always a small thing that doesn't look unreachable so it keeps moving them. there's always a small thing to make them say "no, not today"

[bestfrenofanalien-blog]

it's so hard to believe that there are people who wake up in the morning and are actually excited about it. i wish i knew how it felt to get up without having to assure myself why staying in bed contemplating life and death is not an option.

[bluepinkcottoncandymemes]