Adventures in Ranch:The good dressings and the bad

A blog dedicated to Ranch Dressing. Restaurant Ranch Dressing in particular. Where to find good ranch. What restaurants have bad ranch? I will list the quality of ranch wherever i go, post your top ranch picks too!

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Confessions of a Ranch Dressing Addict

My name is Matt and I am a user.  When my drug is on the table, nobody else (or their plates) are safe. When I get a hankering for my drug I will go to extreme  lengths  to get what I want need.

I am not addicted to any conventional drugs, I'm addicted to ranch dressing: specifically restaurant ranch dressing. I make my ordering decisions based on what goes well with ranch dressing, and how good the ranch at a given restaurant tastes (in a pinch I will order based on aiolis & mayos).

Sometimes ranch dressing affects my life so I figured I would start make some of my addiction stories public-- as sort of a 'get it off my chest'  confession.

I got married last year and everything is going great, I am in fact so happy  in my new marriage that despite  working out more than ever I am up about 10lbs on the scale-- although some of it might  be muscle, some of it might also be ranch  (and beer, we  live in beercityUSA).

It was time to go on a diet-- and giving up ranch simply wasn't an option. It was  easy  enough to eat healthy at home, some smoothies for breakfast and the  occasional veggie dish for dinner. But every day that I suppressed my true desire for restaurant ranch dressing the burning desire  grew. Finally I caved-- I went to a new restaurant that I heard had great ranch, Manna Cafe in Grand Rapids. The ranch was the perfect temperature, consistency and had a slight dill flavor. Then it happened, my food was gone, some ranch was left  and I was in a frenzy searching the table for anything dippable that was in my path-- think crumbs, fries of friends' plates, etc.

It was in this moment that I realized that I am not  just  a ranch aficionado... I am an addict.

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Best Ranch Dressing in Grand Rapids

Grand Rapids although sometimes referred to as Beer City USA is for many people Food City USA. With so many great restaurants out there how can a normal person easily choose a restaurant to dine at? 

The answer is simple, follow the ranch. 

Many restaurants have great sauces (see Brewery Vivant's bearnaise, Graydons Crossing's garlic aioli, the many sauces at 2 beards deli) but this isn't a sauce blog, its a ranch blog and the below list is a curated list of the best restaurant ranch dressings in Grand Rapids.

1. Hopcat-- The ranch is the perfect texture (not to watery, but not too thick). It perfectly compliments the zesty crack fries, and even helps their burgers go down. Extra Perk: the cup they serve the ranch in is bigger than at most places. 

2. Perrin Brewing Co.-- Ok most people come here for the garlic aioli but that just gives you options. Their ranch dressing is delicious and goes great with their pub food. You can literally dip almost anything they serve in their ranch. Extra Perk: great prices on food and drinks. A little far away though. 

3. Gardellas-- This one isn't for everyone due to its lava like thick state but it is only so thick because it is so packed with flavor. Its almost thicker than a mayo, which helps it spread nicely on their gigantic burgers which are served on good hearty buns. 5 points off for killing my productivity when I go there for lunch at work. Not safe for salads. 

4. Electric Cheetah-- So many sauces, you might not think to order the ranch but you don't want to miss out. Their other sauces are so good that they head to up the game on their ranch to make it stand out. For added bonus show up on a night when they have the leftover meatloaf sandwich. 

5. Bar Louie-- I usually don't review the ranch at chain places but the ranch at this place is unlike any other. It even looks different. It looks like there are tiny seeds in it or something. This ranch does not lie flat, it almost has a personality of its own. Definitely not for ranch purists. Goes perfectly with their tater tots. Goes even better on dollar burger night, or to coat your stomach the next night on dollar beer night. 

Bonus Pick-- Vitales-- Pizza is definitely in the top 3 of foods that pair best with ranch dressing and this pizza ranch combo is enough to warrant a place on this list. The pizza is good and cheap, the ranch is the perfect consistency for pizza and has a great 'classic' ranch flavor-- something that can get away from you when you are in such a food mecca as Grand Rapids. 

Been to Grand Rapids-- what other places have great ranch? 

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Grab a Bud Light Ranch and experience the just right taste of Bud Light with a splash of Ranch Dressing. It's Bud Light. It's Ranch. It's Bud Light Ranch.

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Foods that Go Best With Ranch Dressing.. and why

Although the obvious answer to this is.... well everything... I have gotten a lot of requests for a list of foods that go well with ranch dressing. This is a work in progress, please add your top ranch picks.

1. French Fries-- no food goes better with ranch than fries. They are dry without ranch. Double bonus? Sweet potato fries with ranch.

2. Salads-- This is pretty obvious, but be careful... salads need A TON of ranch to taste good. Opt for a more watery ranch. Thicker ranches simply wont work.

3. Pizza-- This is almost to cliche but its #2 for a reason. Pizza can be acidic and ranch is a perfect counter to the tomato sauce. Ranch also helps make the crust an exciting surprise at the end rather than the tasteless end bit.

4. Bread-- Many kinds of toasted breads go great with ranch. Who needs butter when you have ranch.

5. Sandwiches of almost all kind-- Sandwiches NEVER EVER have enough sauce. Plus the sauce is usually mayo which is like ranch's boring uncle. A little ranch will go along way to dip your sandwich in.

6. Vegetables-- They don't taste good and ranch does. Problem solved. Crunchy vegetables are best. WARNING: the types of ranch usually served with vegetable trays are terrible. Opt for something else.

-- what else do you put ranch with?

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Hey! Have you ever been to a Cheesecake Factory?? Their ranch is one of the best.... Denny's is also good too. Theirs is runny but the flavor compensates. :)

I have I lOve their ranch! Their high end location grand lux cafe has great lunch too.

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All i want for Christmas is....

Top 5 Reasons Ranch is better than anything you are going to get for Christmas.

1. People have crappy taste in gifts and often buy people gifts that they thought that person might have wanted. These gifts are never ranch.

2. Kids these days are spoiled. They all want iPads, phones, flat screens, and all sorts of ridiculous things. All they need is Ranch.

3. Be Cost Effective-- For the $100 you were going to spend on a giftcard to applebees (don't bother, their ranch is horrid) you could buy 33 bottles of ranch, or go to a good restaurant and order 25 orders of fries, that pair amazingly with good restaurant ranch.

4. No Risk-- If you ask for fancy presents you risk being disappointment because thats what happens when you are greedy. If all you ask for is ranch A. it is cheap so you might get it and B. if you dont get it is cheap and great so you can buy it yourself.

5. Prevents Deaths-- Every year tens of people are trampled in malls and Walmarts across the country by over zealous present shoppers. If you ask for a tickle-me-elmo, an ipad, or the new Bieber tracks, you are just asking for your parents to get mauled and killed by accident.  FACT : the supply of ranch dressing is much more stable and people are less likely to die getting it for you.

Visa Vie: Ranch dressing is the best ever Christmas gift.

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Ranch Dressing For The Win-- Why ranch is the best sauce, among greats

Have you ever closed your eyes, deep in meditation and wondered where you could find the meaning of life? The answer of course is in the sauce.

Sauce makes the world go around, and that’s why there have been fewer ranch posts lately. I had to take a couple of months as a sabbatical to travel the world (Michigan, Florida, and Chicago) and check out all of Ranch’s tasty competitors. I will share my discoveries below.

Currie Aioli: I discovered this little gem at Graydon’s Crossing in Grand Rapids, MI. I was quite intrigued by this sauce when i saw it on the menu and even though it was not the suggested aioli for my food i ordered it anyways. I was blown away. It had the viscosity of mayo but the taste of Apu from the Quick E Mart and made me leave saying “thank you, come again”.

Gino’s East Ranch: If you have ever been to Chicago then you have most likely been to or heard of Gino’s East. They are known for their pizza but the real champ was….. THE RANCH! Of course any novice ranch-ite can vouch for the flavor match made in heaven that is pizza and ranch but the thin crust pizza at Gino’s mixed with their own blend of ranch makes for a gastronomical delight. Added Bonus: The ranch is so good, and has such a good consistency that it serves as a mouth lube to help you down a full pizza in one sitting.

Swirlberry Sauce: This is completely uncalled for and i know i will get crap for saying this but sometimes desert can actually beat certain ranch varieties. One such sauce can be found at frozen yogurt extraordinaire Swirlberry. Occasionally if you are lucky and go to the Swirlberry in Livonia, MI you can get so lucky as to enjoy the hazelnut chocolate sauce. It has little crunchy bits of deliciousness in it and makes frozen yogurt great. To make this one right in my mind i must add that this sauce would probably rock with bacon.

The Verdict: Although there are a plethora of sauces that occasionally out perform ranch none do so on a consistent basis and thus Ranch is the winner.

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Ranch's Sexy Cousin

The past week has been difficult for me, i have been battling a tough issue. Really an ethical issue. Is it ok to steal bread if its to feed your family?? OK admittedly this decision was much more of a moral conundrum than something so simple as feeding your family (ps the answer to that conundrum is to have a pet monkey named abu steal the bread for you...)

But back to the point, i struggled about posting something for you my followers. Specifically i was debating if it would be tolerable to blog about a sauce that is not ranch. I wasn't going to until my friend Lauren suggested i do to honor Ranch's sexy cousins... All of the other great mayonnaise based sauces.

I have always been a fan of the basics and the closest in relation, that sauce being garlic aioli. The other day i went to a fantastic restaurant- a mecca for sauces, The Electric Cheetah. It is a swanky little place in downtown Grand Rapids that serves its delicious fries with an assortment of 3-4 different mayonnaise sauces-- or as i like to call them, "tasty makers".

The 2 that really made an impression on me were pure bliss in my mouth. The first and in my opinion best was the spicy cousin of ranch- the red pepper aioli. Spicy, yet creamy and refreshing, it paired especially well with the sweet potato variety of fry, and the Oktoberfest beer.

The second and almost equally amazing sauce was some type of dill aioli. To be fair i was in such a drunk bliss of sauce heaven i didn't catch the name of this delicious accoutrement but let it be known it had little green flakes of tastiness in it. If someone knows what it was please share.

Ok, thats it, if you are in the area and are a sauce fiend like myself i highly recommend the electric cheetah. Good food, good atmosphere and GREAT SAUCE. Plus as an added bonus my favorite brewery is a block away- Brewery Vivant.

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The Biggest Shame Since Fat Free Ranch

This post has nothing to do with fat free ranch except that the topic for today also SUCKS! Today's topic is a marketing lesson on how to not anger and subsequently lose customers.

Lets be hypothetical and say that you are a restaurant/bar called hmmm whats a good nickname? Ok lets call them "Bar Louie". Lets say that said bar had good ranch with a good consistency, a solid 8/10. Furthermore they gave you a good amount, had good food to go with it, and featured dollar beers on Wednesday, and dollar burgers on Tuesdays.

What could go wrong? CHANGE, that's what.

It is almost like when your favorite show begins to be unfunny and lame after you loved it for 7 seasons. I had been going to Bar Louie off and on for 4 years and it had always been good. This all changed last week when i went and was dealt 2 hard blows within 5 minutes. First, i was informed that they no longer carry Sweet Potato Fries.   UNACCEPTABLE. Its hard enough to find good sweet potato fries, and even better to find ones that match a restaurants ranch so well. I said ok and just got the tater tots (which to be fair are still excellent). I asked the waitress for extra ranch for the tots and my wings.

When the food came she hands me not the opposite of extra ranch. She handed me less than half a small souffle cup of ranch. FAIL. This minimalist amount of ranch lasted me exactly 2 wings and 6 tater tots. She then checks on us and does the whole "are you guys doing ok?" bit. She could have figured that answer out on her own by realizing that i had stopped eating my food due to lack of lovely white dipping sauce. I then asked for another big side of ranch, hoping she would realize that big implied more than the average.

No. She failed again. After 5 long minutes, by which time my food had cooled down i was handed the same small half ass portion of ranch. My heart shed a single tear. I finished the ranch 2 minutes later, and i hate to say it but couldnt be bothered to trouble the waitress for a third miniature cup of ranch. The worst part? I left 5 of my tater tots on the table because i had no sauces with which to dip them in.

Dear bar louie, please bring back the sweet potato fries and the supple portions of ranch you used to have, i don't care if i have to pay a buck, just don't leave me hanging.

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I'm from North Carolina, but I go to school in Georgia. The great thing about the South is that no one looks at you too weirdly if you ask for ranch with EVERYTHING. Well they still kinda look at me weird when I ask for it in a soup bowl.

Nice, I've never been to Georgia, or NC, i think Florida is like the only state i've sampled the ranch in, it was pretty good.

I get horrible looks when i request ranch in a bowl... i also gripe when i ask for extra ranch, and i get it in a thimble cup.

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So I know you have a girlfriend and everything but holy shit I am so in love with you/this blog. I never thought I would find another individual that loved ranch as much as me. I even tried to change my hometown on Facebook to Hidden Valley!

Thanks MessyRedhead! I appreciate the praise, its almost as ego boosting as receiving a double serving of ranch at red robin without having to ask for it!

What state are you from?

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Holy Ranch?

Ranch is a lot of things but one thing i have never thought of it as is a religious experience. I grew up in a religious family so i know that comparing ranch, a salad dressing to godliness is probably some evil form of sacrilege, however that being said i think anyone reading this knows that ranch is more than just a salad dressing, it is the king of all sauces, the flavor maker of white sauces, and the official sponsor of happiness.

Ok sometimes i take it too far, my girlfriend, friends, and the show lost also make me happy, but ranch goes great with all of the above, so it proves my point, it in the end is more than just a salad dressing.

Now that being said i had my first experience with "holy ranch" this week. It was holy because i ate it in St.Joseph, Michigan. The ancient legend says that it was named St.Joseph because when the angels settled in the United States they searched in vein for many millenia before finding a city whose ranch was so good they could settle down. They found great ranch in a town on the lake, the best ranch in all the land, so they named it St.Joseph after one of the angels who had a burger,fries, onion rings and 3 other things that went great with ranch. The reason you have never heard this story before? Because St.Joseph the angel was banned from the church when he tried to replace the host and wine at communion with chicken fingers and ranch.

Just think how great that could have been? Reblog this if you also think church could have been made better with ranch!

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Social Media Could Be Optimized For Better Uses. like ranch

I work in marketing, i literally spend hours a week using, researching, and brainstorming creative ways to use social media. This week as i was at a lunch meeting with my boss and a client, and enjoying my pizza, salad, and bread sticks with ranch, the thought came to me to use social media for ranch optimization.

If you haven't caught my train of though yet. Think about my new favorite social media outlet: 4square. It is a location based service and app for smart phones that lets you check in at places. The best part? You can leave tips. My tip for instance is how good the ranch is. But there in lies the problem, i only care about other people's tips if they are about ranch so why not create a 4square just for ranch lovers? Its a crazy idea, but who knows it could be fun! Or tasty.

Because i am not an app developer lets just take the first step: add me on 4square and we can compare ranch tips! If you are not on it, make one its kind of fun, and contrary to what many people think you dont actually have to broadcast to the world where you are!

If you want to 4square me my name is "matt m" on it and i am wearing a suit and blue shirt in my pic!

PS- i would love to see who else out there loves ranch! please share this with anyone you know who loves ranch!

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When you know its not going to be good....

....But because you are a ranch fiend, you get it anyways.

That is exactly what happened to me 2 nights ago at On The Border Mexican Restaurant. I ordered my steak tacos but figured hey i run a ranch blog i should not judge a ranch by its Mexican cover. Well i should have, because it was awful. There is a good possibility it was Kraft Ranch dressing that they had cleverly disguised in a little bowl. What they couldn't disguise was the horrible taste.

But i would have just stopped eating my food had the taste been the worst part of it. It wasnt cold, and not only was it warm, it was smelly. It smelled, like garlic poop, and it was terrible. If this bowl of ranch had a mother who bore it i would have slapped her in the face for creating a ranch this bad.

There may have been a larger problem overall thought that simply got the ranch mixed up in the perils. The main problem? Bad sauces + dips. The guacamole was terrible, and had no taste. There didnt seem to be onions in it (which pretty much make the guac) but to top it off there was some kind of nasty crumbly cheese on it.... puke in my mouth.

At the end of the day, i should have just not ordered ranch at a mexican joint and stuck to the salsa. But i figured that because it was a chain restaurant they would have good ranch. Like dont big corporations hire people for lots of money to make sure their sauces dont suck? At the very least just buy good sauce!

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Ranch is Human Nature: Proof

Usually when i'm facing a plate of food and its side of delicious mouth watering ranch i put my blinders on and focus on the prize, that moment of pure bliss when the ranch and pizza/fries meet my mouth and my brain goes bananas. Today was different, i was eating at a delicious restaurant in grand rapids, had my ranch in hand but i was so touched by a moment of "pride and overwhelming happiness" that i forgot about my own ranch quest for a moment. It was one of those aha moments when you realize that humanity still has hope.

No it wasnt a human saving another humans life, it was a 12month old baby dipping a french fry in ranch dressing. This proves that ranch being awesome is nature over nurture and that people who dont like ranch are truly just odd. This baby will take over this blog one day, and if i die without an heir in a freak accident he may take over, i leave him this blog to do what he will.

Viva la ranch.

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How to tip based on Ranch

This sounds stupid but i never leave a good tip based solely on the waiter/waitress nor do i leave 15% on every check. Ranch Dressing somehow determines whether i will or will not enjoy 70% of my meals at restaurants. When something is that important, and affects my whole dining experience of course it is correlated to end of meal tip. Firstly, and this one is number one, if i ask for “extra” ranch or “a lot” of ranch, please do not insult me and the ranch gods by giving me the tiny little standard amount of ranch you dole out.

So Rule 1: Extra ranch should be extra when compared to the normal amount.

Next, if i ask for ranch, bring it. I dont care how good of a waitress you think you are, just write things down. Like at fancy restaurants, they always forget to bring me ranch. They think they have impressed me by bringing my steak the way i wanted without writing it down. FALSE all i really care about is the ranch i need to dip my fries in. Don’t try to be cool, write down on your notepad that the dude at table 13 wants extra ranch.

Ok, if you are able to remember and bring me the proper amount, odds are you will get 15% but to go above and beyond please check on me throughout the meal to see if i need more. There are 2 types of good waitress, the first type recognizes my ranch lust and brings me a bowl of it at the beginning. This is nice. The second type brings me the standard amount every 10 minutes which is also agreeable to me. I hate the waitresses who bring me one ranch for my 5 chicken tenders and 21 fries and think that will be sufficient. Newsflash it will not.

I wont tip you bad if the ranch tastes bad, that’s not your fault, i just wont go back to the restaurant (that’s you apple bees).

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The Grand Coney - Grand Rapids, MI. Amazing ranch. Made on site in a large cauldron by monks, I reckon.

been there done that- great ranch. Specifically, the monks i believe put jesus juice mixed with the tears of the benedictine unicorn to make their ranch so good.