Moonchild Brew ☕

Bpd Fairy 28 .:: I live in my head! Just a frustrated writer, running away from reality::.

[betweencoffeecupsandmoondust]

Spilled Ink

So, Im gonna use this from today on to actually journal about my demons and all things that cross my mind as I cant trust to journal in an actual diary etc cuz I dont want anyone finding out and giving me shit for it.

I have BPD, it's actually such a cruel mental illness. But you know what's worse? That I do have a great, amazing support system at home, wondderful parents and my big brother who is such an amazing human being always there for me whenever i need him.

My parents are elders and you know what that means,.. lots of fights, they've became extremely stubborn and I currently work from home. Just the environment alone drives me nuts 5 out of 7 days of the week. I've been trying to learn about letting go, emotion regulation etc, online, for years now, as I dont have social security or the funds to see an actual therapist, etc.

I don't really know how to handle things, we just had a massive argument, Im left with sadness, disappointment, like every damn time I try my best to fulfill something throughout the day, something bad happens. I know life is not always great and happy, etc. But man, I don't know what the fuck to do. I have the URGE to disappear for a while and fucking let them be without me and see what they'll do if Im not around anymore, but then I guilt trip and its like a loop am always in...I feel so hopeless.

Specially cuz the strongest person in my home, my brother is starting to also show symptoms of anxiety and probly depression, no one talks about us caregivers and how fucking hard our lifes are. I'm tired. Im so so so tired.

I hope tomorrow's a better day, perhaps.

Wish me luck.

To all of you guys out there, facing shit life throws out you, Let's stay strong. I guess we got this?

[betweencoffeecupsandmoondust]

I just hid a razor

I'm waiting on ppl to fall asleep..

Not gunna do anything ..just punish myself..

Sometimes I feel like I'm a monster you know?

Like it doesn't matter how many times I say I'm sorry..the monster comes crawling back.

I don't see the point anymore.

I'm becoming more of a burden, even tho they say the opposite. Even tho I'm so blessed with loving parents and a loving brother.. that's what makes it most unbearable, that I'm slowly killing them, I kill little parts of their souls when I became the monster that's trapped inside and I don't wanna keep on doing that.

I'm sorry

If you only knew how much I love you Mom, Dad and Bro..I deeply love you guys but I can't bear the pain..the emptiness becomes physical and it hurts pretty bad.

It burns my throat.

It burns my chest

It burns here, inside.

I don't want 2 Happy days out of 7.

I want at least 5..is that too much to ask?

I'm I being too selfish? Unfair? Ungrateful?

Why do I have to be here still?

I cant...

[everyone-is-emptyy]

[anxietyproblem]

[everybody-wants-me-dead]

[betweencoffeecupsandmoondust]

I just hid a razor

I'm waiting on ppl to fall asleep..

Not gunna do anything ..just punish myself..

Sometimes I feel like I'm a monster you know?

Like it doesn't matter how many times I say I'm sorry..the monster comes crawling back.

I don't see the point anymore.

I'm becoming more of a burden, even tho they say the opposite. Even tho I'm so blessed with loving parents and a loving brother.. that's what makes it most unbearable, that I'm slowly killing them, I kill little parts of their souls when I became the monster that's trapped inside and I don't wanna keep on doing that.

I'm sorry

If you only knew how much I love you Mom, Dad and Bro..I deeply love you guys but I can't bear the pain..the emptiness becomes physical and it hurts pretty bad.

It burns my throat.

It burns my chest

It burns here, inside.

I don't want 2 Happy days out of 7.

I want at least 5..is that too much to ask?

I'm I being too selfish? Unfair? Ungrateful?

Why do I have to be here still?

I cant...

[betweencoffeecupsandmoondust]

Who are you when nobody's watching?

.

.

.

will you buy my OF sub? i dont have one but would you? 🙃

[fairycosmos]

[houseof1000cokebags]

[curseofthefae]

As someone with bpd, it is inherently selfish. This disorder demands to heard, it demands to be felt. It demands a reaction or your world could end. It's a constant survival mode with unhealthy coping mechanisms piling on and on and sometimes all you can do is fucking watch.

[bpdcrybaby213]

This is the most accurate thing I've ever seen about BPD.

[shit-im-bpd-too-now]

I think something that is tough about BPD is being in a relatively good place in life and still feeling the destructive urge to end it all.

[shit-im-bpd-too-now]

Shout out to living through it

[solarsainte-deactivated20220902]

my ultimate fantasy is having a brain that lets me enjoy being alive

[bpdamn]

i finally understand that no one will ever need me as much as i need them

[traumasuggestion]

so many people have taken advantage of me it must be all I’m good for

[deadfairybitch]

Do you know what its like to wish for death every day? Do you know what its like to open your eyes each morning and long for the end, to fight through each day, hoping each drive to work, each tiresome conversation with your coworkers, each too-short lunch break, each new assignment, each call to your family is your last? Do you know what its like when the last thing you think before you sleep is ‘i wish i dont wake up’. To scan your surroundings and count the ways you could end it all?

Do you know what thats like? if you do not then you know nothing of who i am or where im from. You know nothing of the horrors i have seen or the things i have done to survive.

You know nothing so close your eyes, shut off your voice and speak not of what you know nothing about.

[recoverynrelapse]

bpd is wild because it’s a trauma response and a coping mechanism for the way you’ve been treated in the past. i wasn’t born like this. it’s not chemical, it’s physical. my brain was so busy rewiring itself to keep me safe and now i can never undo what’s been done. i wasn’t born broken, this could have been prevented..