Quarantine Reflections #1: About blog hiatus, and losing my mom
I’ve been idle for a couple of years. I used to enjoy blogging until sharing my thoughts no longer comfort me. I turned out to be someone who prefers to keep everything by herself just because I lost the time to speak, to do the things I enjoy and to even take care of myself. My past years were kind of toxic that is why I preferred to remain silent so not to spread toxicity to my friends or people I speak to. I was struggling over the few years fixing my personal life and health, reviving my faith, protecting my family, running my business and surviving med school. I had to keep everything running despite the difficulty and lack of capability to do all excellently at the same time. I had to be a student, a sister, a daughter, a provider that I end up putting myself at the end of the priority lane.
I am grateful having closest friends who respected my reasons why I had to put walls around me while still not leaving me behind. I even made new friends in med school who I can rely to all the time. Despite missing a lot of family events, reunions, I am surprised how I never lost the people who will openly welcome me when I need them.
I was struggling with my personal life and school, when out of a sudden I found out that my mom had cancer. She was in Saudi Arabia when she was brought to the hospital and had to do an urgent surgery. I was here in the Philippines, helpless, crying. It was when I prayed, “Give us more time together.”
She was battling cancer for almost a year when she finally arrived here in the Philippines. Finally, I was given the chance to be with her. We had this fluctuation of emotions over the past year. One day she’ll be fine, the next day she’s not. What hurt me the most was that I my capability to help her was so limited. I wanted to give up my studies so much to be with her full-time but she never wanted that to happen, she said it’djust make her more sad. I know she tried not to distract me by going out of town with her relatives, she spends time away from me during my exams for me to focus. I never wanted to spend a time without her but I had to study because it’s what she wanted me to do. The situation never made me study well but I tried.
We entered 2020 with hope and dreams together. I had to prepare and attend my exams then I went to her. She was no longer the same. She felt worse. didn’t care if I’d miss any more important academic activities, all I wanted was to be with her. The last weeks with her, she kept telling me while we’re sleeping that “Sorry, and thankful ako sa Allah dahil naging anak kita. Wag mo pababayaan mga kapatid mo.” I would secretly cry because I knew she’s preparing me already.
Together with my brothers, we brought her in and out of the hospital. The last night with her, the doctors finally told me personally that we should prepare ourselves because we were just counting hours with her. And that was the most painful thing I’ve heard ever. I ran to her crying, talked to her privately, asked for forgiveness and assured her that everything she wanted me to do - I’ll do it for her. February 2, I stayed beside her, carried her, reminded her of laa ilaaha ilallah and held her til her last breath. She left us.
That same night we took the flight and brought her to her hometown to do the Islamic burial. It’s been almost 9 years since the last time I went there. So I knew few people. Everything went smoothly and quickly. All I heard was how great a person my mom was and that comforted me. I spent a week there and came back in Manila with my siblings. Things went so fast. And as the capable and stronger one in the family, I had to stay strong for everyone else to feel better. I wasn’t given the time to grieve. And so when I came back to Manila, it was just when everything did sink in.
She is no longer with us. “Wala na talaga si mommy.” I now have to be the mother to my younger siblings, to be the stronger sibling to my elder brothers and to be the strong daughter to my dad. I know I had to be strong but I had to allow myself to grieve. I couldn’t attend the classes and failed some exams that month. I wanted to give up, again. But mom wouldn't be really happy for that for she knows its been what I wanted. My dad is still here and I’m staying strong for him specially. Every time I wanted to give up, all I hear are the words they keep telling me “Do it for yourself, anak. Para sa’yo yan, hindi yan para sa amin.”
I’m still struggling but I feel stronger now because of my mom and dad. Before the quarantine (a month from my mom’s death), I was able to go to my mom’s room in Bulacan and fix her things. I procrastinated doing that because I knew I’d cry a bucket, and it happened the moment I saw her bed BUT I was already brave enough to face this new normal we have now.
I cried while writing this because finally I’m able to talk about the passing of my mom. It’s a good start. I plan on writing more about her to keep my memories of her so that I could share it to my own children in the future. She will always be my role model, my guide and my inspiration.
Lastly, this quarantine is making me anxious but I know we will get through this pandemic. I’m taking advantage of this time at home moving on from the painful events this 2020 surprised me with, spending time with my younger siblings, studying both for my academics and my business, bettering myself, strengthening my faith, and reviving the things I used to enjoy just like this, blogging. AND also I’m allowing myself to procrastinate, to watch Netflix and to just chill and do nothing. It’s not a normal time so I’m not pushing hard on myself. It’s okay not to complete goals like how we usually do. It’s okay to do whatever that will make us feel better, even that means doing nothing. 2020 might have a bad start to me both personally (for losing my mom) and generally (due to this pandemic) but I believe it won’t always be bad days.
This has been the longest blog post I’ve written for 2 years. It helped me express a bit out of a bucket of stories I wanted to share. Yes, there’s a lot more.
