in a car with a beautiful boy
fandom: 9-1-1
pairing: Buck/Eddie
rating: teen and up
word count: 4.3k words
summary: Buck crashed into his life, brighter than a meteorite, lighting up everything around Eddie. Life suddenly made sense. It made sense before, with Shannon and especially with Christopher, but it’s always been a little bit off-kilter, like someone forgot to remove the lens from the camera. Then Buck happened."
Chris has a birthday party to attend an hour and a half away. Buck volunteers to go with Eddie and by the time they get home, their life will have forever changed.
for @santiagosnart
inspired by and title from the quote below!
[read on ao3]
or under the cut!
“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”
Richard Siken
Christopher has a birthday party in San Jacinto. A fellow kid with CP, one of his best friends he made over the past couple of years. And Eddie is supposed to stay in San Jacinto for the duration of the party, but he has errands to run back home. So he drops Chris off, before heading back the same way a mere ten minutes later.
He’s used to long days, exhaustion and always being on the move. But driving an hour and a half in Los Angeles traffic, after two 12-hour shifts and a 28-hour shift covering for the B team, is just the cherry on the sundae. So while he waits at the bank, he texts Buck.
Eddie
I’m so tired… would I be a bad father if I took Chris to Abuela’s so I can have a good night’s sleep?
Buck
I think that’s what a sane father would do do you still need to head back?
Eddie
yeah in a couple of hours currently at the bank so this will take like five years
After that, Buck goes radio silent. He’s probably fallen asleep and honestly? Eddie doesn’t blame him in the slightest. If he could, Eddie would be in bed, too.
(He’d prefer to be in Buck’s bed, but those are thoughts he won’t think about while queuing at the bank.)
20 minutes later, and after he’s moved up a whole of 2 places in the line, there’s a tap on his shoulder. He thinks maybe it’s an old man wanting to jump the queue and he’s not ready for an argument. But he turns and sees none other than Buck.
“What the hell? What are you doing here?”
“Well I can’t have you drive for 3 hours on your own, can I?”
Eddie’s love for Buck grows immensely after that single sentence, something he didn’t know was possible.
He’s come to terms with the fact that he’s in love with Buck a while ago. At first, it terrified him. The world he knew, the world where he’s straight, turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Buck crashed into his life, brighter than a meteorite, lighting up everything around Eddie. Life suddenly made sense. It made sense before, with Shannon and especially with Christopher, but it’s always been a little bit off-kilter, like someone forgot to remove the lens from the camera.
Then Buck happened. The world straightened (ha!) and Eddie realised the reason it was tilted because there was a part of himself that he didn’t understand. One look at Buck and Eddie knew he was attracted to men as well, even though he didn’t understand how he could go all those years without realising.
It’s been Buck all along. When the world is crazy, when the people are losing their shit, Buck’s there. Like a tether that holds Eddie back from floating away.
So moments like this, when Buck acts kind and selfless, only make Eddie realise how much he loves him. And it doesn’t scare him anymore. It used to; he didn’t want to jeopardise the friendship he has with Buck or the relationship Buck and Chris have. He vowed to protect those, even if it gives him a broken heart. But he knows that sometimes, there’s a love so big, so overpowering that you have to gamble and risk everything, no matter the consequences. He knows that probably they could work things out. They managed to figure out a way past the lawsuit and all the other fights.
“Eddie, the line’s moving,” Buck leans in, whispering in Eddie’s ear. Eddie feels Buck’s hot breath on the side of his neck and hot damn. If they weren’t in a public place, Eddie would be turning to rip Buck’s clothes off, consequences be damned.
“Uh, thanks.”
After another 20 minutes, the bank is sorted. While Eddie talks to the teller, Buck goes to grab coffee for them. They meet back at the car.
“One latte with two pumps of mocha for Edmundo, and one Midnight Mint Mocha Frappuccino for Evan.”
Eddie makes an ‘ew’ face. “Please never call yourself Evan again.”
Buck blushes. “Yeah, it felt weird,” he says quietly, before extending his hand forward. Eddie looks at him confused. “The keys.”
“What, why?”
“Cause I’m driving?”
“Why?”
“Because you went to San Jacinto so technically you’ve been up for longer than I have. Plus, I’m younger.”
Eddie blinks at him and he has to restrain himself from lunging forward and kissing the sweet life out of Buck.
“Rude, but thanks.”
They get in, with Buck driving and pull out into the afternoon traffic. For a couple of minutes, apart from upbeat music Buck chooses, they sit in relative silence, but it’s a silence Eddie’s comfortable in.
“How’d you know where I was?” Eddie asks when they go up to the I-10.
Buck gives him a look as if he’s waiting for the punchline. “I-I-I know you. Besides, you’ve complained so much about other tellers because no one understands you like Elena or what her name does.”
Eddie nods. Yep, now that rings a bell. Still, the fact that Buck remembers something trivial warms his heart.
“Thanks for meeting me.”
“Of course.”
Buck looks at him. He has this faint smile playing on his lips, but when his eyes focus on Eddie, it grows a little wider. His face softens. Then he catches himself, clears his throat and turns his attention back to the traffic.
Eddie wishes Buck kept staring because then his own staring wouldn’t be that out of place. And he wants to keep staring at Buck because he is the most exquisite human being.
God, Eddie is really stupidly in love with this boy.
Their trip to San Jacinto is uneventful. They talk about work, about Chris, about what’s going on in their lives. (Well… Mostly. Eddie doesn’t tell Buck about the most burning thing ever. Not just yet, even though he’s made a promise to himself that one of these days, he’ll tell him.) They talk about Maddie and the baby and just how excited Buck is to be an uncle.
“Do you want kids?” Eddie asks without even thinking, which makes Buck’s ears and cheeks turn crimson red. “You don’t have to answer that, sorry.”
“No, it’s okay, uh… Yeah, I think… I mean I don’t…” Buck says, fumbling his way through an answer. “Yeah, I do. I love kids, man. I’ve always wanted to have kids but I just… I guess I haven’t found…” Buck looks at Eddie for a second. His eyes burn their way through Eddie’s soul, but then his gaze is gone. “I guess I need to grow up a bit, first.”
“I mean I’ve seen you with Chris, and man, he loves you.” Eddie needs to shut up and like right now. “You’re great with kids and you’ll be great with your own one day.”
Buck looks at him again, his cheeks still burning. “Yeah?”
“Of course.”
Eddie desperately wants to tell him that when Buck’s not around for whatever reason, Chris asks after him. Sometimes he wants Buck to tell him a bedtime story, or he wants Buck to make him breakfast. But he’s not around then. Eddie wants him to be and by the looks of it, Chris does too. Eddie wants Buck to be around 24/7, he wants him in their space, making it his as well.
They go back to discussing work and the pranks Chim’s been playing on an unsuspecting Bobby. Eddie finds out that Buck’s been helping Chim, which further confirms his Golden Retrieverness.
Buck wants to wait in the car while Eddie gets Chris.
“Don’t be stupid, he’ll be over the moon to see you,” Eddie tells Buck. Buck, still behind the wheel, runs his finger on the dashboard while chewing on his lip. “What?”
“I just…” Buck throws his hand up in the air. “I just don’t want to barge in.”
“What? Why’d you think you’d be barging in?”
“Cause it’s… It’s just…” He sighs.
“Buck, come on. You’ve never hesitated like this.”
They look at each other. Buck, his hands gripping the wheel, tightening his fist around it, knuckles going white. Eddie, outside the car, leaning against the frame, poking his head through the open door. The moment hangs in the air, as if there’s something neither of them wants to talk about or maybe they don’t even know they should be talking about.
“It’s about earlier. It made me realise that… You know what, nevermind, it's stupid. Go, get your son.”
Eddie furrows his brows. He doesn’t understand Buck’s sudden hesitation. He’s always been happy to help out with Chris. He found Carla, he picks Chris up from school when Eddie can’t, even takes him for days out.
So he gets back in the car, slamming the door behind him.
“What’s this about, Buck? Chris wants you here, you know that.”
“I know, it’s just… It’s stupid.”
Eddie turns towards him as much as the tight space lets him. “Go on, spit it out.”
“Fine.” Buck moves in his seat too. “Earlier we were talking about kids and I don’t know, it’s just got to me. You and Chris, you’re a family and… I just don’t see where I fit in the picture.”
“Buck… Come on, don’t say that.” Eddie hesitantly puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Chris loves you. He misses you when you’re not there to help him with the Lego. He sometimes wanders into the garage and asks when you’ll take him skateboarding next. He wants you there. I want you there.”
“I just feel like I’m always crashing the party, like I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
“You definitely haven’t.” Eddie gives Buck’s shoulder a squeeze. “We both love it when you’re around. Chris was excited to come to this party but he’ll be happier seeing you.”
Buck looks at Eddie. Seemingly, his eyes are a bit shinier than before. He weakly nods then his usual Buck smile returns. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Inside, there are children running around. Chris is one of them, laughing, playing with the other kids. CP has taken so much away from him but also given him so much. When he sees Eddie, he grins at him, then his eyes land on Buck. He squeals and starts running toward them. He dodges Eddie’s hug and runs straight to Buck. Buck picks him up, giving him a big hug. His and Eddie’s eyes meet and Eddie gives him an ‘I told you so’ look.
“Hey, bud,” Eddie says to his son when it’s his turn to pick him up. “How was the party?”
“It was good! We had cake, we went into the ball pit and we even had cotton candy!”
“Oh wow, sounds like you had a great time!” From the corner of his eyes, he sees a woman waving him over. “I’m gonna talk to Micah’s mom, okay? Stay here with Buck and tell him about that cool dino book we’ve been reading!”
Eddie makes his way over to her, dodging several kids on the way.
“Eddie! Hi!” Lisa says, with her overly enthusiastic voice that he just can’t get used to.
“Hi Lisa, thank you for inviting Chris to the party. He’s had a wonderful time.”
“Oh, of course! Micah keeps talking about him all the time. We should do that sleepover one time like we’ve talked about.”
“Definitely! I think it’d be good for both kids.”
She nods, her eyes wandering over to Chris and Buck. “Oh, who’s he? I haven’t seen him before!”
“It’s Buck, we work together.”
“Do you know if he’s got a special lady friend?”
Eddie’s eyes go wide and he feels his cheeks heating up. Lisa’s not wasting any seconds. “Uh…”
Lisa blinks at him and then it’s her time to blush. “Oh, sorry, is he your boyfriend? I didn’t mean to overstep.”
“No, not boyfriend,” Eddie says quickly. Too quickly.
“Really? I mean I was getting… You know what nevermind.” She gives him an apologetic smile.
Eddie really shouldn’t push it. But he does. “You were getting…?”
“I got a vibe from you just now. I have been flirting with you, you know. So have other single moms. I mean… Look at you. But nothing. We thought it was because of your divorce from Shannon, but then you waltzed in here with him…”
“Oh,” is all Eddie can say. This is a very uncomfortable conversation and he’d like to leave.
“I’m just talking silly things, gosh. Look at me, I’m making a fool of myself.”
“No, that’s… I mean you weren’t 100% wrong. There is a vibe.”
“Hmm.” She narrows her eyes. “Well, alright. Glad Chris enjoyed the party! Do let me know about that sleepover.”
“Will do, thanks, Lisa.”
He slowly makes his way back to Buck and Chris. Eddie’s head is full of chaos. He really didn’t realise he was being flirted at. He wasn’t exactly paying attention — he didn’t need to. His mind has been occupied with Buck. And if his pining is so obvious to a stranger who barely saw Eddie and Buck together, how obvious can it be to Chim? To Hen? To Bobby, who seems to know about everything, but never says anything?
How obvious is Eddie’s pining to Buck?
It makes Eddie dizzy. It’s not that he wants to hide it. He doesn’t want to bury it. But Chris has lost so much: his grandparents, his home where he grew up. Then Eddie’s and Shannon’s divorce happened. He can’t even think about giving Chris more heartache. Eddie wasn’t there at first. He doesn’t want Chris to lose Buck.
“You okay?” Buck asks quietly when Eddie sits in a chair next to Chris.
“Yeah, I’m good.” He gives a faint smile to Buck. “Ready to go, bud?”
“I’m tired,” Chris whines.
“I know. Come on, I’ll carry you.” Eddie stands then leans down to pick Chris up, but Chris is not budging. “If you want your bed, you need to move.”
“I want Buck.”
Eddie and Buck share a look. Eddie silently asks him if it’s okay, but Buck is already picking Chris up. Eddie follows them, carrying Chris’s crutches.
If he could pinpoint a moment, where he knew he was so fucking desperately in love with Buck, Eddie would say that this is it. Buck, carrying Chris to the car, holding him like he is the most precious thing ever. Chris has his head on Buck’s shoulder and he’s smiling dreamily because this is just the best conclusion to the perfect day ever. And Eddie is losing his mind because this is the life he wants to have.
So he decides, he’ll tell Buck later tonight. Consequences be damned.
As soon as Buck puts Chris down in the car, Chris is out for the count. Buck puts his seatbelt on and presses a quick kiss on his forehead.
“He really is tired, then,” Buck says. There’s faint redness in his cheeks and Eddie wonders if it’s because Buck is overthinking the fact he’s crossed a line. He hasn’t. “Not even the crazy amount of sugar can keep him awake.”
“No.” Eddie stifles a yawn. “When we’re home, can I get some food into you? That’s the least I can do for coming on this trip.”
“Can we get takeout, though? No offence, but you look like you’re ready to drop dead from exhaustion.”
Eddie nods. Buck really is the most caring person ever. He’s been so good to Chris, yeah, but to Eddie as well. “Sure, let’s go.”
Buck is driving again. Eddie didn’t even have to ask, Buck was already going to sit behind the wheel. He pulls out the parking spot, before heading back towards Los Angeles.
They barely talk for the majority of the road trip. Sometimes they point out idiot drivers or talk about work or life, but there are no big discussions. Sometimes, Buck will drum on the wheel with his fingers, as if he’s trying to say something. But he doesn’t. And Eddie’s deep in thought, writing the perfect speech in his head.
He knows that it probably doesn’t exist. The best he can do is to tell the truth and speak from his heart. He hates how cliche it sounds, but they both deserve some transparency. He’s determined to make this work, no matter what the outcome will be.
“You okay?” Buck asks quietly when they’re only minutes away from home.
“Hm? Yeah, of course. Just tired.”
“Yeah. I think I’ll sleep for the next three days.”
“Mm, sounds like a plan.”
Buck drums on the wheel again. Then a minute later he says, “Sure you okay? Other than the exhaustion.”
Eddie knows that this is it. Buck is probably giving him an opening, but giving his non-existent big speech in the car just feels weird.
“Yeah, why?”
Buck shrugs. “You’re just quiet.”
“Well, you’re not exactly a chatterbox either.”
They look at each other for a second, then Buck laughs quietly. “Right, you’re right. I don’t know, I guess I’m still thinking about that conversation we had earlier.” Buck looks into the rearview mirror, right at Chris who’s still dead asleep in the backseat. “Chris is really lucky to have you. You’re raising a good kid.”
“Well, it’s not all me.”
Buck nods. “Yeah, no, of course, Shannon’s done a good job as well.”
Eddie looks at him and feels that this is it. “I meant you.” Buck turns to look at him in confusion. “Buck, you’ve helped out more times than I can count. You’re there for me and for Chris and we’re just… We’re just so grateful.”
Eddie will forever remember the moments that follow. Silence falls on the car, but it’s a different kind. It’s not one that you’re desperate to fill in with noise, but one that’s serene. There are no words needed and why would they be needed anyway? Eddie knows Buck and Buck knows Eddie, but it goes beyond that. It’s a deep connection, formed by camaraderie, saving each other many times. Formed by friendship, by trust. Formed by love. There’s a quiet understanding between them. Eddie doesn’t know what it is or how it comes to be. It’s just the way they’re looking at each other, the way the moment holds, the atmosphere in the car. But it’s there and it’s so palpable. Everything just suddenly makes sense, even more so than before. The world has not only returned to its normal axis, but it’s now locked in.
Eddie is looking at Buck. He’s never looked away and he doesn’t want to. He feels like this is the first time he sees him: strong jaw, scars that haven’t healed properly, stubble he wants to touch. As if the mist has vanished and Buck is clearly visible now. Raw and beautiful and Eddie’s heart aches.
Buck’s looking right back at him. Buck’s eyes drop for a second, then he slowly extends his hand forwards, hesitantly putting it on Eddie’s which is just resting on his thigh. The callouses on Buck’s hand help to ground Eddie.
Buck smiles shyly and whispers, as if he doesn’t want to break that precious silence, “I love you.”
Eddie’s not jumping up and down. He’s overjoyed to be hearing those words, yeah, but after that moment they just had, he knew that this is happening. He doesn’t know why he knew, but it just made sense as if finally the last puzzle piece made it into its rightful place.
“I love you too.”
There’s faint redness in Buck’s cheeks again. “No, I meant…”
“I did too,” Eddie reassures him, then he’s determined to say those few words first. “I’m in love with you. Evan Buckley. I’ve been in love with you for a very long time.”
He feels so free now, so liberated to be able to say that.
“Oh, Eddie…” Buck’s hand gives Eddie’s a small squeeze. “I love you so fucking much. God, I want to scream it.”
Eddie chuckles. “Maybe don’t, you really don’t want to deal with a grumpy Chris.”
Buck looks at him again, then at Chris, then back at Eddie. “I do. That’s all I want to do forever.”
Buck has to look back at the road if they want to survive this journey, but Eddie wants to keep Buck’s gaze just a little bit longer.
Eddie looks out the window. This isn’t their neighbour, but Buck’s. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going home? I figured you can survive a five-minute drive home.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think I can survive five minutes without you. Not now that I can say ‘I love you’ to you.”
“Oh, fuck, Eddie…” Buck reaches over and laces their fingers together. “You’re killing me.”
“Not my goal, but go on, drive us home. My place, this time.”
Ten minutes later (thanks LA traffic), Buck pulls into Eddie’s driveway, just as Chris is waking up.
“Hey, bud, we’re home,” Eddie says, turning around to his son.
“Is Buck staying over?” Chris asks while rubbing his eyes.
“Uh,” Buck says, but Eddie quickly jumps in.
“We’re gonna get some food, you hungry?” To this, Chris just shakes his head. “Alright, shower, teeth, and bed.”
“But daaaad, I’m too tired!”
This time, Eddie will let it slide. “Alright, brush your teeth and bed.”
They all get out, making their way towards the house. Inside, Buck and Eddie go to the kitchen, Chris goes to the bathroom.
“I’m surprised he isn’t jumping on his bed after all that sugar,” Buck says.
“So am I. I guess he had loads of fun in the ball pit.”
Eddie goes to grab two beers. He hands one to Buck. He also doesn’t know why he’s feeling so awkward suddenly. They got over the most difficult part and it was fine. More than fine.
Eddie is about to open his mouth, when Chris yells, “Buck!”
Both Eddie and Buck run to the bathroom. Chris is not there and panic hits Eddie in the chest. But then they look across the hall and see Chris sitting on his bed, already wearing pyjamas.
“Chris, you scared us,” Buck says, dramatically putting his hand over his heart. “I don’t know if I’ll survive this.”
This sends Chris giggling. Eddie walks over to his son and presses a kiss on the top of his head. “You okay, buddy?”
“Dad, can Buck read my bedtime story?”
Eddie looks at Buck. Buck nods and goes to Chris’s bookcase. “What do you want to read?”
Eddie decides to leave Chris and Buck to their own devices. He feels like this is a time just for the two of them. “I’ll order us some food,” he says to Buck quietly.
Before he leaves, he watches Buck climb next to Chris, the book already open in his hand. Buck gives him one last look before he starts reading.
Eddie goes back to the kitchen, quickly ordering some burgers. He orders Chris some as well, knowing full well that he will wake up in about two hours saying that he’s hungry. He always does.
Once it’s done, he leans against the counters, sipping on his beer. Would it be this easy? To have this life? To have Chris and Buck? Because this is what Eddie wants. Today, tomorrow, forever.
What he and Shannon had was good — then it wasn’t. But they had Chris, and he wouldn’t change the past for anything. He doesn’t know what this is. He doesn’t know if it’ll last with Buck. He hopes that it will. He’s learnt from his past mistakes and he’ll put everything into making it work. He wants to keep this going, whatever this may be.
And he knows that if (when) they tell Christopher, that little boy will be over the moon. Chris loves his dad, but he loves Buck just as much. And lucky for Eddie and Chris, Buck loves them.
“He’s out,” Buck says quietly, as he walks into the kitchen. “Took me shorter than expected.”
Eddie doesn’t know where it comes from, but he has an urge to say something. “I know we haven’t had a discussion about us, but… I know how much you love Chris and we love you too. You’re a part of the family and I think you have been for a long time but it took me a minute to catch up. I know this is too soon and I’m not expecting an answer now. We don’t even know if we’ll work out, but if we do, I want you to know that you have the option of becoming Chris’s dad. Officially. ‘Cause, you do act like it and he looks at you as if you were his dad, too. I just want you to know that it’s there for the future.”
Buck freezes for a moment as he processes it, then he lunges forward, kissing Eddie. His hands cup Eddie’s jaw as Eddie puts his fingers in Buck’s hair.
The kiss… It’s passion. It’s anger. It’s lust. It’s desire. It’s need, want, belonging, hope, home. It’s past, present, future. It’s everything. It’s love.
