I̴̤̫̿̕ņ̵̺͔̱̮̈́̈́̋ş̸̠̠͍̈́̽̒̕͝e̷̔͌́͜c̷̫̗͚͛u̷̧̨̺͇̞̍̋͠r̵̫͑ì̷̡̳͔̓͜t̶̛̬͎̔̎y̵̹̬̥̒̍̃ ch1
Fully detailed version on Ao3
Roman wasn't doing too well after the most recent episode. He had locked himself in his room for the last several days and had been pushing himself to the edge with pumping out new content for Thomas. He didn't eat, he barely slept and he refused to talk to anyone or take a break. He couldn't help but heavily nitpick his work. If the idea wasn't perfect, then it was scrapped altogether. He was horribly stressed and couldn't stop the cascade of horrible thoughts bouncing around his mind.
Thomas deserves better...
R̸͙͂̊e̵̥͛́m̴̗̕ủ̷̼̙̚s̷̯͚͂̓could do better than you...
They'll never forgive you...
You're the one who decided to make fun of his name...
He had every right to defend himself...
The more he listened to these thoughts, the worse they got. Throwing around his worst thoughts and feelings back at him. The worst part? He knew that they weren't wrong. He was the one who messed everything up. He was the one who chose his actions. Those were his mistakes. He only hoped that if he worked hard enough and pumped out enough good content, that would at least give him the opportunity to try and make things right.
All he needed to do was work a little harder. It was the very least he could do after being such a pain for the other sides to deal with.
They're probably happy that you never leave your room anymore...
He would be able to apologize to J-... Deceit. For his actions and making him out to be the villain...
You have no right to say his name after what you did...
He would apologize to Patton for putting too much pressure on him.
You expected too much from him. Driving him to his limits. I wouldn't be surprised that he would have finally lost his patients to deal with you...
He would apologize to Logan for always being so uncooperative with him.
All you do is bother him with your nonsense and ignore him whenever he isn't relevant to your own selfish wants. How horrible does that make you? He does his best for Thomas and all you do is mess things up? How can you look him in the eyes after treating him so horribly?...
And he would apologize to Virgil. For... Everything. And he wouldn't expect him to forgive him.
You don't deserve forgiveness...
He didn't deserve Virgil forgiveness... Or anyones. But he had treated Virgil the worst, by far.
From the beginning, you gave Virgil nothing but a hard time. You made him into the bad guy for you to fight against to make yourself feel better. You're pathetic. He had never done anything wrong to you but you insisted on bullying and degrading him. Your probably the reason he ducked out. If not, at least a big reason why. All Virgil has ever done was try and keep Thomas safe. But you just had to put your own selfish desires above his. Didn't you?...
Then he would apologize to Thomas. He deserves so much more than...
A pathetic and self-centered Creativity who couldn't- Wouldnt stop thinking about himself for five seconds to see how much he was hurting thous around him? A Mistake? Someone not deserving of the title Hero?...
He also needed to apologize to... To...
You can even say it. How pathetic. After everything you've done to make everyone else the bad guy but your self, you still can't even say his name and admit you were wrong. You're always wrong. When have you never not been wrong!?
You were wrong about Virgil...
You were Wrong about Janus...
You were wrong about the wedding...
You were wrong about everything...
They're probably mad at you...
Your the one who had messed up...
You don't deserve them...
You don't deserve to be here...
They would all be happy if you ducked out...
All Remus has ever done was to do his job as intrusive thoughts...
Your the one who had hurt the ones you had 'cared' about...
You don't deserve to be a hero...
Roman gasped and grabbed at his chest in pain. It hurt. Almost as if someone was stabbing him in the chest. He looked down to see that there was a small dark patch that was barely covered by his sash. It almost looked like a splatter of ink, staining his previously white and pristine princely outfit.
You don't deserve the title of 'Prince'...
Roman gasped in pain, not noticing that the spot had grown slightly at the hurtful comment that plagued his mind.
Then he had felt a slight pulling sensation. He was being summoned. By Thomas. Dammit!
Roman quickly ran over to his mirror, looking himself. He looked horrible. His hair was a mess, his eyes had dreadful bags underneath them, his clothes were terribly wrinkled. He was a mess. In a rush, he tidied his hair and quickly applied some concealer then with a snap he removed the wrinkles from his clothes. Another look in the mirror had him frowning. His hair still looked like a mess.
They were going to notice...
The concealer was sloppy at best.
They were going to know how tired he was...
His suit was looking... Better... But the black 'ink' blotch was still there and nearly visible from behind his sash. He could do better.
He didn't have time. He rushed to grab a stack of papers filled with his approved ideas and quickly sunk out.
"Greetings, plebeians!" Roman greeted, posing in his typical manner.
God. Could you go one day without acting like a pompous prick?...
He flinched slightly at the pain but dug his nails into his fists as to not react.
"Roman," Logan began, "It had taken Thomas calling you more than once for you to arrive. What were you doing?" He questioned. He didn't look mad, but he wasn't the one for flaunting his emotions.
You know how important punctuality is to him...
Roman forced a smile threw the pain. "My apologies, Dear nerd!"
You cant go 5-second without making fun of someone, can you?...
"I was just a bit... Fashionably late! Tis all!" Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Janus staring at him. He felt dread pull into his stomach.
Logan hesitantly nodded, appearing to take that as an answer. "Alright, let's get back onto the current topic." Logan excepted that far too easily. Usually, he would ask for more detail or lecture Roman on showing up on time but he had just... Excepted his answer?
He didn't want to waste any more time on you than he already hast to...
You really do get in the way...
"As for the current issue...Patton? Do you mind addressing it? You're more suited to deal with more... Emotionally based issues?" He asked awkwardly. Clearly uncomfortable with the current topic that Roman was still in the dark on.
"Oh!" Patton started. "Well, Roman? We've been talking lately...and well..." He paused, trying to work out his sentence. Romans' stomach was in knots and his heartbeat raised.
They're going to make you apologize for making their lives miserable...
They were going to ask you to take a step back and stay out of the way...
You're always in the way...
Romans' nails dug tighter into his palms. A trickle of blood making its way down his hand. Virgil was starting to look at him worried. Why on earth would he be worried about him?
"Well... We've just been wondering... Are you-"
"Are you ok!" Virgil blurted out. Blushing furiously when everyone turned to look at him. "Sorry..." He muttered quietly. "The suspense was driving me up the wall... anxiety and all..."
"That's alright, Virgil." Thomas reassured calmly, "But that is what we're here to talk about. Are you ok Roman?" He asked, turning to the fanciful trait.
Roman was... confused, to say the least. His fists relaxed and unfurled and he looked baffled at the others. They were asking if he was ok? Why did they care? Weren't they mad at him? He had messed up big time and they weren't even going to comment on that? "Uuh... Sure?... Why?" He asked hesitantly.
"You haven't left your room in over a week, kiddo," Patton said, playing with the sleeves of his cat hoodie like he did when he was upset. "We were worried bout you."
They're only doing this to show face...
Why on earth would they worry about you after all that you've done...
"Well, I am fine, padre," Roman answered, ignoring the stabbing pain in his chest. "I have just been in my room working in some ideas for Thomas' videos. That's all." He answered. They all looked around at one another, clearly not believing him.
Why would they belive you?...
What have you done to make them believe you? Let alone trust you?...
In fact, they believe that lying snake more than you...
"Oh, Roman," A hiss rang out that sent chills down his spine. "For an actor, you are such a 'good' lier..." Janus said, looking at his gloves like he could examine his nails from underneath them.
"I have no idea what you mean," Roman said, doing his best to keep his mouth in check.
God, how horrible of a person do you have to be to have to try and not be an asshole...
No wonder they hate you...
Roman let out an involuntary flinch, doing his best to ignore the stares he was receiving from the others. "Seriously," Janus said softer, "Are you ok? You've been avoiding everyone."
Grate, now you've gone and upset them...
Roman's hands were back into tight fusts, trying to block out the pain. "A-and you look a mess," Virgil added quietly. "Your concealer is patchy and you look exhausted. Have you even slept?" He asked.
"Lies," Janus stated simply.
How stupid can you be to think you can just lie like that with Janus here...
Roman flinched back at the comment, his nails digging further into his palms and drawing out more blood. "Roman, are you ok?" Logan asked, "You seem to be in pain. Are you hurt?" He asked, moving closer to Roman to see if he could find any injuries.
All you do is cause problems for them...
Roman quickly backed away, "Of course I'm fine!" He insisted, continuing before Janus could interrupt him, " "But, yes, I haven't been sleeping too often because I've been working on these ideas!" Roman said, holding up his small stack of papers.
A creativity who can't even come up with enough good ideas...
Are you sure you've earned the title 'creativity'...
Roman's forced smile flickered slightly at the pain. Blood lightly smearing onto the stacks of papers he held in his own hand. "You shouldn't overwork yourself, Roman." Thomas softly scolded. "I know that things have been stressful lately-"
All because you can't keep your stupid mouth shut...
"-But you need to take a break and go easier on yourself."
"I'll be fine!" Roman insisted, "I just needed to pump out a few more ideas and the ill take a break! I promise!"
You should no better than to make promises you can't keep...
He bit back a flinch, hoping the others didn't notice. But they did. They looked back and forth at each other wondering what they should do. "Well..." Thomas paused. "Then... Let's see your ideas."
"Let's see these ideas you've been working on."
They're not good enough...
They're going to hate them...
They will hate you if you show them these ideas...
You spent so long on horrible ideas...
What will that make them think of you?...
You should have done better...
They're not good enough...
You're not good enough...
Thomas would be better without you...
Romans' hands were now lightly shaking, but he didn't seem to notice. "I d-don't think that's the best idea. They still need revised and worked on some more before there more... Presentable?" He said hesitantly.
"We can help you review them," Logan suggested. "You are far too overworked to have to handle them on your own."
Roman sifted from one foot to another, "Yeah... But like you said I am a bit overworked, so most-"
"- of these ideas might not be so good. I still need to revise them and touch them up a bit before I can show you guys..." He answered.
"Just let us help you, kiddo." Patton insisted.
Virgil nodded in agreement, "You have been overworking yourself to the point of exhaustion. We can take some of the load off." He promised, "Just trust us..."
Roman still looked rather hesitant. "I'm not sure. The ideas are... Not so good at the moment..."
Janus spoke up, "Oh Roman. There is no reason to be so insecure about your work, I'm sure whatever it is we will all love it."
I̶̲͌n̵̨̓s̵̞͌e̵̛̱c̴̭͠ȗ̵͍r̷͎̀e̴̪͘.̷̛͕.̷̨̋.̶̣͒
"I am not Ḭ̴̧̡̧̟̥̮͓̥̜̪̯̭͈̬͍̔̉̈́͋͂̑̈́͒ṇ̶̭̙̼̭̭̱̦̽̉̂̓͊͌̍̍͐̈̔̄̃̚ş̷̡̢͙͔̦̙̳͙̖̪͖̲̝̥̪͂̆͗̇̊̾͛̔̃͐̊̏̕͝e̸̢̪̟̣͇̖̖̯̅̈̈̽̀̈́̂c̷̹̫̭̘̤̺̳͓̺̊ų̴͎̲̱͚̮̮̏̄̃̊̿̀̔̈́̑͛́̑͘r̶̹̳̘̤̟̙̬͓͙̩̭̟̫͇͖̦̲̍̉̀̃͗͊̏̿͊̋͋͛͜e̷̛̖̩̗͔͑͂͌̉̂̾̕!" His voice shook the room.
He let out a shocked gasp and slapped his hand over his mouth as the others looked on in startled shock. He felt like was shaking down to his very core. "Roman...?"
"I-i am sorry! I- I have no idea what that was...": he insisted softly. He looked confused when everyone looked at him even more concerned. Glancing down at his hand, he finally noticed the blood seeping out of the cuts made by his nails. He was stunned for a moment before quickly whipping the blood off of his face using his sleave.
Logan was quick to his side, examining his hands. Causing him to drop his papers and scatter them across the floor. Logan was talking as he cleaned Roman's hands before bandaging them. But Roman didn't hear anything. Just the ringing that echoed on his own ears.
You've really made a mess of things now...
That last comment tipped Roman over the edge, causing him to gasp out in pain. Nearly sinking to the floor if it wasn't for logan at his side, quick to help him keep steady. He tugged lightly at his sash, the pain quickly spreading like a burning fire.
The tug on his sash revealed the far larger black stain that had nearly filled the space behind his sash and was quickly spreading.
Janus and Virgil gasped. Horror seeping into there expressions as they realized what was happening to Roman. They were both quickly at Roman's side. The next thing he knew, Romans was sitting on the ground, struggling to breathe threw that pain. Virgil and Janus' hands held onto him comfortingly as they talked to him along with the others.
But Roman felt far-off at that moment. Like he wasn't in the room. Or as if he was a spectator, watching this unfold with an equally horrified expression. So he didn't hear a majority of what was said to him or the others.
"... Safe...ho-... Long..."
Romans breathing grew more erratic once he looked down to see the black spot spiderwebbed out further, staining more and more of his once crisp white suit.
Then there was a hand in his hair and a few holding his hands and rubbing soothingly over his back and someone whispered calming words to him. Wanting him to follow there breathing. It was a struggle, but eventually, he managed to get his breathing slightly under control.
"-oman... Roman... You need to remain calm." Virgil said softly. Roman's head jerked as he nodded. Focusing on his breathing. "Do you know what's happening?" Virgil asked. Roman shook his head. "Your..." Virgil hesitated. "Your falling..." He said, "To the other side. So you need to keep calm and breath so we can help you..."
Romans heart figuratively stopped beating at the news. He was... Falling? Everything started to feel foggy and distant again. Like he wasn't there. He didn't want to be there. Sitting in front of the others. Vulnerable and in pain. Having the others watch his humiliating downfall. How low must they think of him now? How weak was he in their eyes? How pathetic was he in Thomas' eyes...
His chest suddenly shook as all the air seemed to leave his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. He could vaguely hear Virgil's voice become more panicked and others began chiming in. But he was far to gone to understand it at this point. He needed to leave.
Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave.
A rush of airbrushed past him as he managed to force himself to sink out to a far side of Thomas' mindscape where they would never find him.
He curled up into a ball, squeezing his nails into his palms, and cried in pain.