Started the month in a new rotation. Welcoming back my afternoons and leaving at semi-decent times in the evening has made me question where I want to take my career.
Do I want a mixture of interesting, demanding work? Yes.
Do I also want to have my evenings and weekends? Yes (for my mental and physical health. If anything, these past few weeks has shown me that).
Can I work long hours? Yes. Am I willing to put in the hard yards? Without question.
But I guess the question is, what do I want to do this for?
There’s a structure to school, and to an extent uni. You’re always reaching for the next grade that will push you into the next year and then for the next exam to get the internship to get the job that will finally get you out of university.
You’re staying up till 4, 5am finishing things that you’ve admittedly left to the last minute (procrastination be damnned).
I guess I’m looking for an avenue to channel this… motivation? fear? ambition?
It’s getting to the stage where it’s not enough to blindly reach for the next tier of the ladder, just because everyone else is, just because it’s the first thing that pops into mind.
Because it’s getting to a point where one choice comes at the expense of another. More so than ever before.
Do I want to pursue further study? Sure. Do I want to do it if it comes at the expense of a house deposit and/ or job security? Not sure.
Do I want to travel? Hell yes. Am I willing to travel if it means that I won’t come back to a job? No. Am I willing to stall home ownership (aka money) for a few years in order to have 6 months’ worth of gallivanting around the globe? Probs not.
Do I want to live overseas for a period of time? Heck yes. Would I want to do it if it meant I wouldn’t get my job back and/ or risk my family/ getting a job/ relationships etc. Probs not.
Do I want to work hard, work hours and have a job that actually challenges me? Yes.
Do I want to sacrifice my weekends for it? Not really. Does that make me feel guilty? Yes. Because I’ve been brought up in a system where you give everything, you have to be willing to give everything for this gig. Otherwise you’re not working hard enough.
Working 12 hour days “ain’t so bad, we’re lucky that it isn’t 15+ hours”.
“You’re a lawyer, what the fuck did you expect?”
It gets to a point when all those jokes about “suffering” in law school and in the profession and the memes and shit - it’s funny until you question whether or not you want this as your daily life.
And more importantly, if I’m going to be working long hours - what am I willing to do it for?
If everything comes at a price, what do I want to pay? What do I want to receive at the end of this bargain?
And add the layer of perpetual insecurity and imposter syndrome ontop of all of that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that whilst I somewhat am beginning to enjoy what I do, I guess I question the bigger things - the end game.
It feels like all those ‘life choices’ that I’ve been putting on the backburner, these life choices I could easily avoid by saying “oh I’m still at law school” have suddenly reared their heads.
And now I’ve got to make a decision. No matter how temporary, reversible whatever - a decision still has to be made.
And I’m an indecisive bitch.
2087
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