living the existential crisis

anything & everything

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

every day i seem to lose my will to live a little more.

[almostalaris]

i wonder if my mother realises just how much she hurts me

it isn't wrong of a child

to long for love,

to yearn for freedom,

to live in naivety,

impatiently waiting to fly.

i thought she understood

that children oft come undone,

try to stretch their wings,

make mistakes,

stumble, stagger and fall.

but when her child

grew to be strong willed,

have their own opinions,

stand up for their beliefs,

she struck them down.

she saw not their growth,

but rather

an opportunity

to strike them down

from the heights they'd achieve.

she learned to unweave

every thought, every hope,

leaving

nothing but desolation

in a path she disproved.

i wonder if she knows

just how much she hurts me,

i wonder if she'd care to know

that i long less for freedom from death

as i long for freedom from her.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

so tired, so tired, so tired.

[sleepboy]

“Your relationship with your mother is your relationship with the universe.”

— Teal Swan

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

toxic

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

feeling worthless ✨

[creatinghelen]

if you’ve had a rough few days lately, please know that there will be a day when you’ll wake up and things will feel easier. you’ll see the good in things, you’ll feel the warmth in your heart again, I promise <3

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

just wanna wake up one day and not feel tired.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

someone asked me what loneliness feels like to me. i said:

knowing no one cares enough yet, being unable to do anything about it because you know it's not their fault and you care too much to completely let go. so, you're there but, never fully.

does it make much or any sense? maybe. maybe not. it does to me atleast, in my head. and if it doesn't to you, in my defense it's meant to be cryptic. but, i think what i mostly meant was this:

knowing everyone's love is conditional.

yup. that realization is pretty darn lonely.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

it's over 5:15 am and i haven't been able to complete a single past paper. why do i even bother. why.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

i think i've just been stuck at this point (whatever point it is) in life since like, forever. and i don't like it. i don't want it. i hate it. i wish things would change; that life would move ahead. yet, it seems to be moving past but barely making sense? (not that i make much sense right now)

it's just the mental state, i think. it's been the same way for so long and i really wish it wasn't like this. but, i am not even doing anything about it. don't think i can. maybe because change scares me as much as being stuck does? and maybe because i don't know how to make the change i need.

it's like all i have ever known is this so i don't know how to go beyond it.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

life isn't good but, coffee sure is.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

exhausted.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

every day i wonder WHY i took up math and then i remember how i need to pass the entrance test. this uni better be worth the mental torture math's putting me through. k time to study and eff up my mind more.

[unrly-deactivated20210621]

I want my family to love me, but their love comes with conditions I can’t meet

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

is there any such thing as unconditional love? doubt it.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

why does A'levels have to be so stressful? and WHY does my teacher have to keep a test on a SATURDAY. how is this fair. i want a break. as if life and living in this pandemic wasn't bad enough, we have tests on a weekend!!

so done, so done, so done.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

back here simply to appreciate @girlofnodreams existence. idk what i would've done in the past few months without you. thank you for being here. you are loved.

i pray that everything doesn't suck and everything doesn't hurt, soon. very soon.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

i literally study one day and then take the whole week off. like ffs get a hold of yourself.

[bitchwhoneverspeaks]

@girlofnodreams makes me smile when nothing else does. just putting it out there. it will be morning when you see this so, good morning. i love you.