If you don't know, in many schools in the US (not sure about other places), the graduating class often goes on a group trip, usually towards the end of the school year.
We had ours in the winter or early spring of 2009.
I remember because we were told it was to a ski resort. But it wasn't. It was... I guess an indoor hotel resort thing? But was in the middle of a city and the skiing was a separate place entirely, with buses being hired to take those who wanted to go there. About a 30-45 minute drive, I think. I don't know, because I didn't want to go.
I was probably one of the only people not horribly upset by the lie, but I can understand why people were. I've been in the situation before, many times. People love to say you're getting x, and then when they have you / you have no choice of leaving they dump y on you instead.
I was bunked with 2 or 3 girls. I don't quite remember, because it wasn't like any of us really stuck to our rooms.
Except for me, of course. I don't like getting into other people's spaces. I'd rather piss outside than walk into someone's house if I don't know them well.
Ever since I was a child, I've been made to tolerate people intruding on my space. So it feels only natural to not do it to someone else.
It was at this time that these girls' circle discovered I was a virgin. Never kissed anyone, never touched anyone, nor (consensually) received it from others.
I was 18, so it was decided that this was Not Okay. Ah, but, luckily, we were in the perfect situation to rectify that! Just find an easy target and it'll be done and done.
Is there anyone I'd prefer? "No. I don't like anyone." What about this boy you've totally flirted with? "He's a jerk?" The reality is that I was just slightly nicer than others were. But like others, I knew he was an easy target.
So that was the target they picked *for* me.
This insanity culminated in me being held down by 4 girls, a knee pressed into my sternum. At this time, I was severely underweight due to the intensity of the untreated mental illnesses I was dealing with. So, this was essentially bone-to-bone contact as I had no fat padding, with her entire weight pressing down.
It was this point I stopped fighting, because it hurt to the point of needing to hold back tears. I thought holding still and letting them doll me up would make it stop. But she didn't let up until I was "done".
All the while I had to control my breathing because of the physical agony, and the fact I could not show "weakness" by whining and crying.
Makeup and hair styling against my will. Then dragged against my will to the onsite theater - which was basically abandoned - to watch a movie I had no interest in. Forced to sit next to him.
I was as hostile and volatile as a feral cat with him, even going so far as to push and kick him on the way back to the hotel. He didn't really do anything wrong, I don't think. It was posturing on my part, he was a casualty.
Once back in our room, I scrubbed until I peeled skin. I went outside on the tiny balcony to feel the cold air on my burning face, and try not to cry. It never felt like I got it off, not really.
They apologized, saying they "didn't realize" it would upset me so much.
Ambushing me in our hotel room. Holding me down. Suffocating and hurting me when I wouldn't stop thrashing. To put makeup on me after I told them no.
I did contemplate jumping off the balcony. Or just letting myself freeze. Climbing to another room to hide, or ask for help, or ask to stay. Anything.
Instead, I turned back and said it was fine.
Because what the fuck else was I supposed to do?
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