Dreaming of Screaming

My name is Dame and I'm exhausted. Please use either they/them/theirs or it/its if you don't know me DNI if radfem, truscum, anti-sj(w), exclusionist, anti-MOGAI, or pedophile. Header by maskarie, icon by DarkChibiShadow About for mobile users. Ko-fi link. BlackLivesMatter. ACAB. Free Palestine. Stand with Planned Parenthood.

[bizarropurugly]

            They/It | Queer | Neurodivergent | Gross

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My name is Damien, call me Dame.

Chronically stupid and canonically meaningless.

Life sucks and then you die.

[bizarropurugly]

I wish I could get used to it

it's happened all my life,

from grade school to high school, people walking away as I was mid-sentence, people avoiding eye-contact when I called their names, people pretending we weren't related, they didn't know me, people disconnecting without warning, never being invited to parties, getting kicked away without explanation, left on read

I wish I could just get used to it

but no

I slip again

I forget my place

and everything gets ripped away yet again

like a mouse reincarnated over and over to die to the same cruel trap

[bizarropurugly]

you know,

I never understood what a "comfort character" was

how it was different from just, favourite character, character you obsessed over, related to, or something

because people treated it differently, there had to be a difference, but I couldn't see it

and then it hit me one day

I can't see it because I can't imagine being comforted

not me, not the real me, not my problems and thoughts and feelings, no. the only interaction the real me - who isn't cool, who isn't strong, who has no talents, who works nowhere impressive - would ever have, would likely be disgust, irritation, reprimand,

if I had any interaction at all. the reality being I'd never be noticed whatsoever.

it's ironic, considering my consistent dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming. but it would never be me, not really. some fake version that had more in common with an oc or fc than anything, maybe. big maybe.

under no circumstance would they ever care about me.

[bizarropurugly]

good news everyone

[bizarropurugly]

I'm so used to dissociating and pretending I'm fine and happy and forcing myself to socialize, that I can't stop doing it even as it compounds my catastrophic depression and burnout

just know that if it ever seems like I'm OK and feeling better or something, that's just the mask superglued to my face

[catcrumb]

[bizarropurugly]

[bizarropurugly]

The skritt held its prize loftily. It appeared to be a wooden signpost effigy of sorts, faded paint on wood, depicting... well, I'm not sure.

"This called.... uh... What dis called again?" he called to the other skritt rummaging in the junk pile.

"Hobby horns," they answered decisively.

"Horns? Not horts?" he turned back to me. "It pokes - see? See? Horts!"

"No must be horns, only make sense - look, it has horn more than one, of course hurts! Charr knows."

I chuckled, reflexively touching mine and remembering the headbutts in the fahrar. "Yes, horns can hurt." I looked closer, tilting my head.

The figure was... bizarre, to say the least. "It's a centaur," I said, thinking out loud. "But... really short. And with a second head at its waist?"

The skritt shook the thing furiously at me. "No no no! Only one head. Four legs, one head. And human! It rides, you see? Look look, here here."

Sure enough, there appeared to be legs drawn on as wrapped around the body of this strange centaur. "So... it's... half a centaur?" I twitched my ears, confused. "It has this weird head instead of its other half?"

"Yes, weird thing, much weird! But mine. Old humans no want, now it skritt's."

I perked up. "Old humans?"

He nodded sagely. "Yes, many olds. All here, very olds, once humans, now mine's." A chorus of indignant sounds rang from the trash piles and caverns about us. "All skritt, truth," he corrected himself, ducking his head. "But hobby horns, mine's only. Other skritt, they no like, but this skritt knows important thing. This what not-skritt call art! That word means BEST and MOST IMPORTANT shiny! It very art, see. Skritt knows. One day, you see, this make skritt king skritt in scratch, you see."

I chuckled again, watching him proudly wave it about like a flag. "Well, in the meantime, what else do you know about this, ah, hobby horns?"

He stopped, twitching his tail and eyeing me suspiciously. "Hmm, okay, but you tell grey-ears stay away! Leave this skritt shiny, mine."

I bobbed my head, easily agreeing. "Of course, the Priory will keep it in your capable paws."

[bizarropurugly]

as always, I am up to no good

[matchagirl]

radiator cathedral by branislav nikolić, 2012

[bizarropurugly]

church organ? no

church accordion

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

my notifications are once again devolving into a spirited debate about the ethics of actions that could potentially make someone uncomfortable, and at risk of sounding like someone about to get a lot of irate anons I think we're frankly giving way too to much moral weight to hypothetical discomfort

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

the thing about discomfort is that it's an extremely nebulous category that can be triggered by virtually anything and that's far too broad a category to have any inherent moral quality to it. like. my mom was mad uncomfortable when I stopped shaving. that didn't mean I was doing violence against my mom it just meant she needed to get over herself. many such cases it must be said.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

there's not a single example I could give that's better than this

[cloverchameleon]

[bizarropurugly]

I'm sad that everything is different

I'm sad that many of my friends don't like or talk to each other anymore

I'm sad that my friends fought in my absence, because of me.

I'm sad that so many people I thought were my friends, people who liked me, people who I tried to get to know, effectively tied me to a tree and drove away

I'm sad that everything's my fault for various reasons and I can't fix it, and know I can't from numerous failed attempts

[bizarropurugly]

one day, if I'm lucky, I will run a red light and a cop will decide the appropriate reaction will be to t-bone me at high speed, killing me instantly

[bizarropurugly]

I hope it was worth it, you know?

I'm already used to being a stepping stone, not the island.

And maybe that's for the best, honestly. Maybe that's where I belong.

So I hope the other side brought something. Whatever I couldn't. Someone needs to have something from this.

[bizarropurugly]

"Everyone knew that whoever let the Sadness overtake him would sink into the Swamp."

[bizarropurugly]

some of my favourite bit of dialogue I've ever written, from something that obviously will never be finished

[kropotkindersurprise]

July 22, 2026 - People around the USA are taking down Flock AI surveillance cameras. [video]

[noneedtofearorhope]

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