My Bruce and the Robins Headcanon
"Bruce Wayne Attempts to Ground the Robins (It Goes About as Well as Expected)"
Bruce Wayne, despite being a billionaire, the World's Greatest Detective, and Batman, occasionally remembers that he is also a father.
This realization usually happens after one of his children commits what would be considered a serious parenting issue in any other household.
Instead of dealing with supervillains...
Bruce attempts the far more dangerous task:
• Skipping homework to patrol.
• Taking the Batmobile without permission.
• Performing unnecessary acrobatics off Wayne Manor.
• Teaching classmates how to pick locks "because it's educational."
Just enough that Bruce feels vaguely guilty.
He argues for approximately fifteen minutes using increasingly creative logic.
"But patrol is community service."
"I already did my homework."
He actually stays grounded.
Makes exaggerated sad faces every time Bruce leaves for patrol.
By day four Bruce is considering shortening the punishment simply to make the guilt stop.
Alfred quietly informs him this has happened before.
• Then stealing the Batmobile.
• Possession of approximately sixteen stolen GCPD hubcaps.
Bruce, perhaps against all evidence to the contrary, decides normal parenting techniques might work.
Alfred wisely says nothing.
Jason waits exactly twelve minutes.
Climbs out the bedroom window.
Bruce discovers the missing Bentley before Alfred finishes making tea.
Six hours later, Jason climbs back through the same window carrying two bags of Chinese takeout.
"How did you even pay for all that?"
Jason reaches into his pocket.
He pulls out a black credit card.
Bruce recognizes it immediately.
"...Is that my American Express?"
"Huh. Yes. I was wondering whose this was."
"You stole my credit card."
"You bought me dinner with my own money."
"I even got your favorite."
"I figured you'd be less mad with sesame chicken."
There is a very long silence.
Finally, Alfred clears his throat.
"Master Bruce, while I cannot condone Master Jason's...creative interpretation of personal property, I do believe this is the first time anyone has attempted to apologize for grand theft auto with takeout."
Jason looks entirely too pleased with himself.
The grounding is extended another week.
Alfred quietly reminds Bruce that the child in question survived on Gotham's streets by stealing whatever he needed to live.
Attempting to ground Jason Todd is less like disciplining a teenager and more like informing a particularly determined raccoon that it is no longer allowed to raid the garbage.
The raccoon, predictably, ignores you, steals your car, pays for dinner with your credit card, and somehow still convinces you to eat the sesame chicken.
• (Bruce still isn't entirely sure why.)
• Replacing every Batcomputer password with riddles.
• Staying awake for seventy-two consecutive hours.
• Building an AI because he was "curious."
Bruce unplugs every computer.
Confiscates every tablet.
Twenty minutes later he's using an old PDA he found in a junk drawer.
Tim builds a functioning computer from spare WayneTech parts.
Tim accesses Oracle through the refrigerator.
Bruce spends an hour trying to figure out how.
Tim eventually goes to bed...
Only because Alfred slipped melatonin into his tea.
Bruce counts this as a victory.
• Challenging three League assassins to duels.
• Bringing home a stray hyena.
• Sneaking said hyena in his bedroom
• Cutting down one of Bruce's prize trees because it was "strategically unsound."
"I do not recognize your authority."
"You literally live in my house."
"I reject this decision."
"You don't get to reject grounding."
Bruce watches Damian calmly pick up a book and leave the room with all the dignity of an exiled prince.
An hour later Bruce discovers Damian has somehow recruited Titus, Ace, Bat-Cow, and the hyena into his silent protest.
Nobody speaks to Bruce for the rest of the evening.
Bruce has no idea how Damian managed it.
He simply declines to comment.
Dick : 95% effective. The guilt is the real punishment—for Bruce.
Jason : 0% effective. Grounding only gives Jason more time to plan his escape.
Tim : 12% effective. Bruce can remove the hardware, but not the determination—or the alarming number of backup devices Tim has hidden around the Manor.
Damian : 40% effective. Damian technically obeys just enough of the rules to argue he wasn't disobedient while somehow still making Bruce regret every parenting decision that led to this moment.
After observing years of Bruce attempting to discipline four exceptionally stubborn Robins, Alfred reaches a simple conclusion.
"Master Bruce, with respect, you took in one child who learned to negotiate from circus performers, one who survived by stealing cars, one who considered hacking international intelligence agencies a recreational activity, and one who was raised by assassins."
"No, sir. I do not believe you truly did."
