The day my life changed forever.
The day started out as a normal Saturday morning. I woke up, drank my coffee and hydrated my body because I knew it was going to be another long night of drinking. I finally had a full weekend off and was so excited to go out and have a good time with my girlfriend and friends.
As the day progressed me and diana decided to go out and have drinks downtown together earlier in the day. We went to mulligans and had a few drinks and then decided to go to the balcony. That was a rare thing, we never left mulligans. As we were sitting outside drinking our vodka sprite I get a message request on Facebook from a girl named becka. I had no idea who this person was. I opened the message and it said "come downtown it's kaylah." My heart dropped and I suddenly felt very nervous, and not in a good way. It has been months since I had heard from her. I replied with "I am downtown" and clarified it was the kaylah I was thinking of. Although I knew from the moment I set eyes on that message. I only knew one kaylah with a name spelt like that. She replied asking where I would be and asking if I was "still with that chick." I told diana everything, and she suggested I pretended to not know which girl she was talking about. Diana wanted to meet her, and I remember having this gut feeling that it was a bad idea, but I obliged because I wanted to prove that I had nothing to hide. I wanted to show the girl I loved most that I chose her. That she has no reason to feel insecure or concerned about this girl who has broken my heart a year prior.
As the night progressed I get a call from an unknown number and I answer. It's kaylah, and she's outside fattys, which is where diana and I had ended up at that point. I walk outside to go get her and diana waited upstairs to meet her. As soon as I walked out and saw her standing on the sidewalk I got this warm fuzzy feeling all over my body, and I knew that I shouldn't have been that excited to see her, but I was. I remember thinking "wow she looks sick. I wonder what kind of drugs she's on." We walked upstairs and I introduced kaylah to diana. It was awkward for a second and then we all took shots. The night went on and diana and i drank and danced together and just laughed, while kaylah stood by as a third wheel. Her sister caused drama and told me not to break her heart, little did she know she was about to break mine. While we were getting ready to leave we are walking through the crowded bar, diana leading the way holding my hand and dragging my drunk body through the crowd, and I reach back to grab kaylah's hand to pull her behind me. That was my first mistake.
Diana and I start walking and end up getting in front of the old urban outfitters and order an uber. The uber arrives and we climb inside and my phone instantly starts ringing, I look down and barely recognize the number and I answer, it's kaylah. She's crying and saying her sister and her are fighting and she's getting left downtown, diana hears the commotion and offers for us to take her back to my place. I get out of the uber alone and find kaylah in the parking garage cleaning up her belongings off the ground as her sister peels out. We walk back to the uber and climb in, I remember thinking that the uber driver was so sweet for waiting for me to go get her. As we all three sat in the back seat I was holding hands with diana, on the right and kaylah sat to my left. She kept running her hand on my thigh so I grabbed it to move her and and she locked fingers with mine. I didn't say anything, I didn't move, I just held her hand on the left. I look back now and think maybe I was asking for it. That was my next mistake.
We get to my house, I set up a bed for kaylah on the couch and diana and I walk into my room to go to bed and she instantly starts an argument. Yelling and screaming and calling me a whore and blaming me for "letting my ex girlfriend spend the night." Even though it was all her idea. The entire night, was her idea. After 30ish minutes of name calling and belittling me, she decides to leave, after saying "maybe we should just break up, I'm done with you." She walks out, she left, she was gone.
Roughly five minutes after diana left I get a text from kaylah saying "I need your help." I instantly think the worst and go out to check on her, assuming she's thrown up on the carpet or the couch or is making a mess. I walk out and sit on the floor in front of the couch where she was laying. She seemed fine, we joked and I took a video asking "on a scale of 1 to 69 how drunk are you," in which she replied "69." She then proceeded to ask where diana was and I told her she left because she was mad at me. I started to tear up but didn't want to make her feel bad that Diana and I were fighting. That was an every night thing when we were drinking. That's when everything went out of my control.
Kaylah slid off the couch and leaned in to kiss me, I pushed her away in shock and all I could think about was "how could she disrespect me right now knowing I'm upset about diana leaving." But she didn't care. She pushed me down and climbed on top of me holding my wrists to the ground, trying to kiss me. I kept moving my head side to side, never letting our lips touch. Not a single time. I told her my wrists were hurting and begged her to get off me, while she pushed my wrists more firmly into the floor. Her response was "I'll get off you if we can go sleep in your bed together," to end it I replied with no. She didn't like that answer and told me she wouldn't get off me until I agreed, as my body was squirming to push her off me. I caved. I would do anything to get myself out of that moment. I just wanted to not feel suffocated with the weight of her body on mine.
We get to my room, and we lay in my bed. I put my body pillow between us so that there was no contact between our bodies. But that didn't stop her. Her hands kept wandering, and she kept saying how badly she wanted me, how beautiful I was, and how she messed up in the past. I just kept telling her I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. The next thing I remember is her climbing on top of me, grabbing my wrists so tightly and holding them above my head. I remember thinking "wow she's so skinny and so small but she's so strong." I felt weak, and vulnerable, and terrified. She kept trying to kiss me, and I kept moving my face so she could never land her lips on mine. She then let go of one of my wrists and I started to push against her chest, with all my strength, I tried my fucking hardest. She laughed and grabbed my wrist and put it with the other and held me down even tighter, thrusting her body against mine. I could feel her hip bones grinding into my body, her breath was hot on my face and smelled like cinnamon from all the fireball shots. She then slowly slid her hand into my pants and I clenched my legs as tight as I could saying "no I don't wanna do this please stop." I used all the strength in my body to hold my legs as close together as possible. But that didn't stop her. She forced herself inside me, making a comment about how "wet" I was. In that moment I felt like I deserved it. Why was my body reacting like I enjoyed this moment, when I had never felt more suffocated in my entire life. I had never felt more worthless, or ugly or deserving than I did in that exact moment in time. I begged, and pleaded for her to stop and she just kept shoving her fingers as deep as they would go. I then became limp, I had accepted my fate and my body went entirely numb. I started silently crying as she forced herself into me and took every ounce of dignity I had left. My body was rocking back and forth from the force of her hand thrusting inside me. This lasted probably a solid minute, but it felt like hours. I took a deep breath and she heard my sniffly nose and said "are you crying" to which I replied with "yes please just get off me I don't want this." She climbed off me and laid directly next to me trying to comfort me. All I wanted to do in that moment was go and sit in a bathtub full of bleach to get any trace of her off my body. I felt dirty, and disgusting, and like I had cheated on my girlfriend. I got up and went to the bathroom.
I texted one of my staff members "please call me and tell me you need me to come into work early." I hit send and walked out of the bathroom and she called me as soon as I walked back into my room. I answered and pretended like I knew nothing about why she was calling, stating that I would be there in less than an hour. I told kaylah to get up and get ready because we had to leave so I could drive her back to her car in nampa so I could get to work on time. She refused. She replied with "I've missed you and I'm not leaving until you lay down and cuddle me for just 20 minutes." I kept saying no and that we needed to leave right then, but she was persistent that she would not get out of my house until I cooperated. I laid down and she pulled me onto her chest, I laid there listening to her heart beat, it was slow and steady. Mine was racing out of my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. After about ten minutes my body just shut down, I fell asleep for an hour and then woke up and woke her up and forced her to get into my car. The sun was rising, and it was the longest 25 minute car ride I had ever experienced. In complete silence.
As soon as she got out of my car, I immediately drove to Diana's and told her every single thing that happened. She cried and apologized for leaving me alone with her, I cried and apologized for "letting" that happen. We fell asleep holding each other after sobbing for probably 2 hours at 7am.
That was the day my life changed forever. I can't help but think I deserved it. I held her hand in the bar and in the uber. I smiled at her, and laughed at her jokes, and I wasn't wearing underwear. I should have screamed for help, I should have called someone, I should have pushed her harder, I shouldn't have given up, I shouldn't have allowed her to take that experience from me. I should have been better, or smarter, or less nice. I can think of so many things I SHOULD HAVE done differently. But I didn't, and I get to live with that regret the rest of my life. And most days I want to die when I’m reminded of how little my body means to any one else but me. I get to live with the fear of saying "no" because it doesn't matter anyway. I feel like I don't matter, anyway.
