one of my favorite aspects of jon’s relationship with ygritte is how he’s essentially playing the traditional role of a woman (just like robb does). ygritte is incessant in her sexual advances despite jon’s repeated refusals, he lives in genuine fear of her anger/suspicion if he openly rejects her, he’s finally worn down when he realizes that he has two choices: he can either have sex with her or be ousted from free folk society/executed for being a traitor. give her what she wants or suffer the consequences (think of what ned tells arya about the consequences of refusing to do her duty as a woman, his not-so-subtle warning that she could end up like lyanna “beautiful, and willful, and dead before her time”). and the whole time jon is being told that it’s his own fault for “stealing” ygritte, despite him obviously having no way to understand that aspect of her culture. he’s a woman, and women are seductresses, they tempt men into sin, they “ask for it” (the irony is that he’s closer to being the rose of winterfell than he is to being bael the bard).
but then when jon DOES finally give in to ygritte’s advances, she teases him for being a “maid”, which he counters with “I was a man of the Night’s Watch” (he was a man. is he still a man? who is he if not a man?). of course the question is, how is jon supposed to have had any experience with sex if he took vows of celibacy under penalty of death at the age of 15? (“No one had ever told Jon just what lords did with their ladies”). how are women expected to get married, have sex, and undergo pregnancy/childbirth when no one ever prepares them for what that means? (see: sansa’s entire storyline). jon did his duty by not asking questions, but he’s still laughed at/emasculated for not knowing the answers. so jon tries to convince himself that it’s all going according to plan (“I had to make her trust me”) and that he actually holds the power in their relationship, despite being keenly aware of how little choice he has (“If I refuse her, she will know me for a turncloak”). but the power clearly lies with ygritte to spare his life, to accept him as one of the free folk, to teach him about sexual pleasure based on her own experiences as an older woman (“Ygritte had been his teacher”) while constantly reminding him that she holds all of the knowledge that he needs (“You know nothing, Jon Snow, but I can show you”). by westerosi standards, jon is her wife. the only time that he actually takes her by surprise is when he performs oral sex on her, which is both the complete centering of female pleasure (finally!) and another instance of jon playing the woman who “gives” pleasure to ygritte.
and ALL of this is happening while jon is simultaneously learning what it means to be a woman who doesn’t fit into a song (via gender inversion with ygritte and his time among the spearwives and other free folk women). he’s playing the part of the “ideal” westerosi woman while being surrounded by women who refuse to conform to that mold, but who are clearly still existing within a different brand of misogyny (based on what we know about the free folk tradition of “stealing” women and even ygritte’s complete unfamiliarity with oral sex being performed on women). so if jon is a woman by westeroi standards, what is he by free folk standards? can he still be a man with ygritte? will he still be a man when he climbs back over the wall?
of course the difference is that jon is not in fact a woman, so when he gets the chance he can simply escape back to the safety of the all-male order of the night’s watch where ygritte (the “man”) can’t follow him. and when she dares to try, a fellow man kills her and leaves jon to hold her as she dies…before jon regains his power as a man and ascends to the role of lord commander. it’s also notable that what permanently “taints” him is not really the fact that he had sex despite his vows, but that he did so with a free folk woman (the “other”, the “unnatural”, the feminine).
but jon STILL can’t win! maybe he’s still a woman after all. he does everything that he’s supposed to do (“I am playing the part the Halfhand told me to play”), but he’s punished for it anyway. he’s a brother of the night’s watch so he must be celibate, but he’s a brother of the night’s watch so he must maintain his cover and have sex with ygritte. there’s no way out for him, no right answer: if you’re not really a wildling, why did you sleep with her? are you saying that you didn’t want it? are you saying that you didn’t enjoy it? are you saying that you’re not disgusting and traitorous and deserving of death? and 16 year old jon simply doesn’t have the words to articulate that no, he didn’t want it. but he did enjoy it. but she forced him. but he loved her. but he did as he was told. but he no longer believes in everything that he was told. but he had no choice. but he made a choice. but it wasn’t right. but all of these feelings can coexist together, can’t they? can’t they ?? not when you’re a woman, jon!
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