Trying to discover myself

he/him (but still saying that I'm questioning) Aro Ace

[blinddorian]

Chronicles of working on my thesis

Soo, right now is almost 2 am. on Monday, and I’m working on a presentation that I have due on Tuesday. Just some developments and that kind of stuff, but I gotta get it approved by my prof.

And I’m saving some pictures from Fluent, and looking at velocity contours, and I’m shocked that maximum velocity in all of the cases I will present is the same. Werid...

...

It’s the same volume flow and area. It has to be the fucking same. Just take away my degree.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

"so now whenever i meet a new person i have to learn their PRONOUNS too" is.... is that not how it's always worked?

[blinddorian]

As a person that has a giant problem with remembering people’s names, I raise you... forgetting both names and pronouns.

Double the forgetting, double the embarrassment

[blinddorian]

Some highlights from listening some podcasts while working

From Medical Murders ep1 What they say: Dr. Shipman What I hear: Dr. Shitman (tbh he did murder some people, so I guess he earned it) From Strefa 52 (Polish paranormal podcast) ep 1, about room 428

Podcast: There was a face of a demon on the door, so they replaced it Me: It didn’t help, right? Podcast: ... it did not help

[blinddorian]

Sooo, I’m supposed to work on my masters thesis, and my prof just emailed me about “What do I want to do about that”. I’m honestly considering answering “Fucking dying.”

[ineffectualdemon]

[blinddorian]

Hi, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in 15 minutes and I feel like I’m going to throw up :)

This is fine

[blinddorian]

I, in fact, did not throw up, and I think it’s a success.

[blinddorian]

Hi, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in 15 minutes and I feel like I’m going to throw up :)

This is fine

[blinddorian]

Guess who is stressed because has an appointment with a psychiatrist booked.

I mean, I’m still glad that I managed to actually book it, bc when my therapist told me that it would be a good idea to do it, I almost noped out of therapy and existence.

Still haven’t told my parents about that, yay.

Happy Easter, y’all

[blinddorian]

Me, screaming into the void about my mental health again.

Like, IDK what is wrong? In the morning it will be alright, but after an hour suddenly everything is too much, writing one email is a task I need at least 20 minutes for. Suddenly, I don’t have any energy (and will) to do anything uni-related, but at the same time I’m freaking out that I’m not going to finish everything in time.

And don’t get me started about my non-existent will to live. I have literally no plans for the future. I cannot comprehend that the future exist.Like what, not only I am expected to get my masters in 1,5 years, but also I have to think about what I’m going to do after that for the rest of my life? When it feels like the next week doesn’t exist?

Me be confused

[blinddorian]

The urge to fuck all of this, and drop out of uni is so strong, but I’m not going to do it, because literally all of my family would ask why and tell me that was a wrong decision, because apparently gap years in my family are illegal or sth

[blinddorian]

Me, screaming into the void about my mental health again.

Like, IDK what is wrong? In the morning it will be alright, but after an hour suddenly everything is too much, writing one email is a task I need at least 20 minutes for. Suddenly, I don’t have any energy (and will) to do anything uni-related, but at the same time I’m freaking out that I’m not going to finish everything in time.

And don’t get me started about my non-existent will to live. I have literally no plans for the future. I cannot comprehend that the future exist.Like what, not only I am expected to get my masters in 1,5 years, but also I have to think about what I’m going to do after that for the rest of my life? When it feels like the next week doesn’t exist?

Me be confused

[blinddorian]

Soo, like I had a mental breakdown on Friday, things got rough, but I was mostly okay this morning (Sunday). I decided I wanted to play Golf with your friends with my friends. And now I’m back in the mad and sad, and feeling overwhelmed because my knee hurts.

Where can I order a new mental health? I think I broke mine :(

[blinddorian]

Why do university professors love oral exams and stuff? I have a hard time talking, those exams are more stressful than written exams and I need longer time to recover. Just... why?

[blinddorian]

Yoo, how do people stop bad thinking. Like, I know reframing thoughts and stuff, but rn I have the urge to bash my head against the wall, how the fuck do I stop that?

[blinddorian]

I cannot write emails

Idk why. I always worry that the language is alright, that I sound rude or that the person receiving the email isn’t going to understand what I ask for.

It’s stupid, gets me too stressed every time, and now, with my bachelor’s degree stuff it’s getting quickly too overwhelming.

[blinddorian]

It is I, ya boi, suffering from constant stress and in a lot of physical pain, because my body decided that the only way to cope with stress is to stop working properly. I get digestive system, but my joints? My artificially regulated hormones? My sinuses? Just, why?

[blinddorian]

I once saw someone calling Christianity “The Jesus fandom” and now, when there is any disagreement between leading catholic media in Poland, I call it “the Jesus fandom drama”.

[blinddorian]

Browsing r/UnusAnnusArchival is a trip, because you can see those three posts one after another:

1. someone saying that the sub should be deleted, because Mark and Ethan said NO REUPLOADING;

2. someone defending the sub, because it’s just a place for fan art, discussion in memories;

3. someone LITERALLY POSTING A LINK TO A GOOGLE DRIVE WITH THE VIDEOS and saying that they will upload the stream soon.

I’m all for a sub for memories and fan art. That’s what I will miss the most about the original sub. But I cannot stand for reuploading, it is against the rules, is it so hard to understand?