September 3rd, 2014 - When He's Gone
ARTIST: shoe
AUTHOR: empressvegah
3rd of September, 2014 - When He’s Gone
“I think it’s time we live separately.”
Arthur stopped typing from his laptop, unable to believe his ears. Did he hear what his husband just said to him correctly? He attempted to gather his thoughts and emotions, but no matter how hard he tried, his heart was beating so fast against his chest, anxiety welling up. The lump on his throat was becoming heavier it was starting to suffocate him. Blinking back the sting from his eyes, he finally managed to compose himself enough to turn around and face Alfred F. Jones.
Alfred looked weary, the lines on his face already starting to show. The creases on his forehead were more prominent now, Arthur noted worriedly. Poor darling, was he so busy with work? Even his beautiful face was frowning, the writer thought absently.
“L-Love? What’s the matter?” Arthur asked shakily, his hand unconsciously went to touch the band on his left ring finger, nervously twisting it. For all the years they’d spent together, Alfred was normally goofy and full of jokes, but lately he seemed to be in foul mood and he didn’t talk to him as often as he did before. His brain was still processing what made Alfred say those words that sounded so foreign to him. ‘Live separately?’ What did he mean by that? Arthur needed more than just a sentence to make him understand what Alfred was telling him.
Maybe it’s a joke — he nervously glanced at the calendar, but it was the fourth of October. Nowhere near April. His heart sped up. His mouth had gone dry. Alfred’s blue eyes didn’t give the same warmth as before. His mouth that used to bear such a beautiful smile was now forming a thin line. His posture seemed rigid. How… how did he miss this?
He saw Alfred swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down with the motion. “Arthur, I think we need some time apart from each other. I love my career as much as you love yours, and things aren’t looking well for me. Since we’ve moved here, people are starting to think that I’m not the respectable doctor they knew, just because they keep on seeing us together,” he explained with a wince. Arthur’s shaking hand sought for the backrest of his chair, needing any form of support. He was using Arthur, not his blasted yet endearing nicknames. No, he pleaded mentally, I don’t like where this is going.
“Arthur, you understand me, right? Just some time apart, that’s all,” Alfred’s tone was begging. He was making a face that even with the years they’d been together, Arthur was still not immune to. But his face this time was traced with so much stress, and it seemed to Arthur that his dear Alfred was on his limits as well.
“But… why?” Arthur found his voice breaking when he asked; he still couldn’t understand why Alfred would ask him something like this. It’s like… It’s the same with breaking up and suddenly the silver band on his ring finger weighed like lead, he wanted to fling it away from his person.
Alfred took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Arthur, it has always been my dream to become a great doctor someday. And I really want to be one whom my colleagues acknowledge and look up to. I want to be a fellow of the ACP, and my colleagues have to recommend me. I can’t be recommended if the people doubt my abilities just because… we're…” he left the sentence hanging, shrugging; yet Arthur could see that the situation was also hurting his darling.
Arthur looked down and fiddled with the hem of his sleeve. What Alfred was asking from him hurt, but he couldn’t just hinder Alfred’s dream of achievement in the field of Internal Medicine, specializing in Nephrology. It was all he ever wanted since they’d started dating way back then. He met Alfred during their early 20s, and he was already overflowing with his dream of becoming a well-respected Nephrologist. It was all his Alfred ever wanted…
But what about me?
The green-eyed man wanted to ask his husband so badly, but his throat constricted with the lump building fast, and he couldn’t utter a sound. His lips trembled with effort not to show Alfred just how much he was hurting, but he knew it was a futile attempt. He couldn’t hide the wetness in his eyes, nor the shaking of his hands.
He had loved Alfred for ten years already, and even the years had gone by, he couldn’t refuse Alfred. Especially when his dearest husband was struggling, hurting. It was better to be hurt alone than to have Alfred suffering with his selfishness. After all, it was him who had tied Alfred to this marriage. It was his persuasion that chained Alfred to him, so who was he to stop the handsome, promising doctor from pursuing his dream?
“I –” Arthur’s voice cracked, and he swallowed yet again to give himself time for what he was about to say.
“G-Give me a moment to think,” he said in a rush as he quickly fled from his study, the first drops of tears finally falling from his eyes. He couldn’t hold them in anymore. He tried to head towards their shared bedroom, only to realize that it was no longer his sanctuary. Arthur ran all the way to the bathroom and shut himself in, making sure the door was locked before sliding down to the floor.
He finally allowed himself to cry, because he knew that his answer to Alfred’s pleading would always be a yes.
