sun

she/her | i write sometimes

[bloodysuun]

when you say “i want to go on a walk”

i want to tell you “i want to come” 

but i don’t 

when you say “i want to listen to music” 

i want to tell you “i want to enjoy it with you” 

but i don’t 

when you talk about something 

i want tell you that i want to know you 

but i don’t 

and i’ll never will 

because i’m scared of being hurt 

so i’m writing this

and i’ll never tell you about it 

it burns me, but it’s necessary 

[bloodysuun]

i’m just a girl who likes to dream 

i don’t know what to do when things get real 

if i scream would you lay near me 

one word and i’d be all yours 

i need someone to hear me cry 

there’s an abandoned child inside of me 

if i show it to you, you’d leave too 

nobody likes real criers 

it’s only cute in shows and movies 

[bloodysuun]

since i turned 15

i’ve been crying for the same reason

did i lose her for real this time?

i cried before leaving the bed again

i keep missing morning at 12pm

and i don’t like that i’ll miss tomorrow today

it doesn’t feel like i was born to be on earth

my skin rejects every contact with the air

the door is still open in case they’re waiting

deep down i think it’s me that is craving

is living really worth the pain?

cause i’ll be alone at the end

i don’t want any noises or lights

i wanna go where it’s dark and quiet

under the sheets i can feel you

you’re tracing hearts on my hand

i promise i wanna be okay

[bloodysuun]

Every girl I know drives me crazy

Every guy I talk to makes me feel uneasy

In another life my heart won’t be heavy

My demon says that I can be creepy

I just don’t know what to do with my feelings

So I take pen and write until I’m bleeding

[bloodysuun]

you can’t hear a sound

it’s ringing pretty low

my heart won’t stop

until it pours it all

would you miss me

if i was made of gold?

i won’t apologize

i’m brown, it is my all

[bloodysuun]

i love my mom

i don’t want her to die

since daddies quit

leaving would be a crime

they say i’m grown

but i’m small inside

i live for my sis

her eyes made of stars

since daddies quit

leaving would be a crime

that’s why i cry

mommy if you leave

my heart will freeze and fall

everybody dies

everybody dies

everybody dies

i know that but

i can’t do it at all

i’m a daughter

whose soul never grows

[bloodysuun]

i wish you would’ve begged me to stay

you’ll never find any happiness in your life

before letting me go, you didn’t think twice

can’t look at it any other way, to hear you again

i would’ve even start a fight

but you couldn’t even book a flight

walking on the river

so i can drown inside of your eyes again

i’ll never find any happiness in my life

i’m scared and you’re hopeless

this story is endless, i’m so tired of your lies

we were both liars, that’s why we ended up hurt

you said you loved me and i said i didn’t

i stopped by your house, your mom opened

she said, she haven’t seen you in a while

now i’m stuck, i can’t get rid of your stuff

i can’t forget, the way you held me that night

you better not have moved on from me

we’ll never find any happiness in our lives

you should’ve just begged me to stay

[bloodysuun]

he has woke up by the edge of the beach

even the clouds couldn’t dry his grief

sky keeps crying on their memories

beautiful words they cut skins like knives

she’s buried under the sand of his sheets

they both haunt each other’s lives

they look through the window at night to survive

even the sun can’t burn the dark

[bloodysuun]

i don’t own any place

i can’t predict the weather

the only thing i can give you are my words

they’ll warm up your heart

in this long and cold alley

[bloodysuun]

She sent me all those signals in the dark

And I ignored them all because

I didn’t know where my heart stood

Does she need an ear or a kiss

Should I be here as her friend or a lover

I missed my chance and went M.I.A

I know I was hurt and scared

But she was alone and she waited

“Where does your heart stand?”

Was it really that hard to say…

[bloodysuun]

She asked me how I wanted my coffee

I don’t even drink coffee, I took a sip though

It tasted horrible, she looked at me and laughed

All of a sudden, it felt sweet on my tongue

It became a routine, always doing those three things

First, she smiles, then she blushes and laughs

To Reze, everything that was coming out of my mouth

Was always either funny or sad, and sometimes

I remember it was even both, she was my first everything

I can’t believe she even taught me how to swim

You know I’ve never knew the way to school

But I did know my way around her, she was home

Once she said we should stop, that she got poison in her heart

It was complicated, I didn’t know what it meant

The next day, I still decided to stop by her coffee shop

Some guy asked how I wanted my coffee, nevermind it just wasn’t her

I said dark & bitter that’s how I was feeling in the moment

I complained because this shit was so salty

He said that, it was my tears and that I was crying

I probably just wanted to go home you know

Reze she was my home outside of home

If you read this, come back, I bought you flowers

[bloodysuun]

he says that he trusts me, that i’ll be okay

but i’m burning inside, i’m not okay

everywhere i go, he follows

when i fall, his arms catch me up

stupid guy, wants me to wear his jacket in winter

does she know? i don’t know either

he thinks that i’m okay when i’m not

i’m not even the person he wants

i say i don’t wanna wear his jacket

“why can’t you wear it? it’s warm!”

exactly, i’m trying to get used to cold and closed doors.

[bloodysuun]

I can hear the bullets.

A familiar face turned into blood stains.

But I don’t see red, all I see is blue.

Behind all these atrocities, I see you.

The World around you, they see it too.

I hear the melody, our paths are symphony.

If I wake up here, or somewhere else;

Will you be my enemy or my company?

I won’t bail, I’ll move heaven and earth.

Drowning among your portraits,

the smell of paint is suffocating me.

I could die here, this piece of paper, is all I got.

I jinxed it, please save me.

[bloodysuun]

i had days, when i felt like, everybody was running, when it was hard for me to walk.

i thought, i hated my friends, i was mad at everyone and everything around me.

but now, now, that i’m thinking deeply about it, it’s myself, that i hated the most.

i didn’t want, to be a nuisance for others, that’s why, i decided to push them away.

when you start thinking, that you’ll be better on your own, that you deserve to be alone…

it’s when, you need the most love and support.

what you need, is friends knocking at your door, asking you to hang out.

it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to not be able, to see the light.

but don’t cut yourself, from everything, that you appreciate in your life.

it’s okay, to eat that cake that you like, or to laugh at silly jokes.

you have the right to be happy, as long as you have the right to be gloomy.

i hope, you’ll learn to say “it hurts” and “i’m not feeling well” .

as much as, you can say that you’re doing okay, when it’s not the case.

we always say, that we are fine while having a hard time.

you’re not exaggerating, you’re not overreacting, these are your feelings and they are valid.

when you feel like, you got no one on your side, just call your old dumb friends and tell them you miss them.

try talking to that person, who is trying to be friend with you.

it’s not easy to see, that there is somebody on your side but, i believe that step by step, we’ll get there.

there is always somebody, even if you’re not aware of it.

it could be a family member, or a total stranger, all we need to do, is joining each other.

[bloodysuun]

i keep thinking, about what i should’ve said or what i shouldn’t, have said.

what i should’ve done, or what i shouldn’t, have done.

i thought about drowning again, but i’m scared of, never getting out.

i have to keep going, for me, for you, for them.

so, when i think, about cutting my head off, i’d just think about you, patting my back instead.

there is a lot of things, i can’t say, i don’t think, i’m ever gonna stop being scared.

there is a lot things, i want to scream, i want to say that i love you and hold onto you.

i wanna be able, to say goodbye before you leave.

but i feel like, it’s not my place, it’s not where i should be.

it feels right, when we hold hands, but it feels at the same time so wrong.

my glass is always half empty, my heart it never is full filled.

if i say, that your touch isn’t enough and that i need you closer, under my skin.

i don’t think, we could escape, what would happen and come back to the first scene.

[bloodysuun]

hair’s laying on the floor, i’m looking at the clock.

waiting for someone, that will probably never comes.

you don’t know everything, could you shut it, when i say you’re wrong.

poisioned sweet words, i thought they would sent me, to heaven.

don’t touch me, you have decades of late.

i can’t fix the mess, you made on my sick soul.

i was alone in the darkness, but nobody held my hand.

“i love you” they said, “even in distress”, but nobody is here at the end.

could you hold me, until i return to, the day we never met.

i’m wiping tears, when my heart, doesn’t even beat the right tone.

like a mop, that is drained after each use, hair’s still laying on the floor.

if i am so special to you, why is your love draining?

i romanticize the past, but it wasn’t better.

we were just together, not happier.

could you hold me, until i return to, the day we never met.

[bloodysuun]

i had that friend, when i was younger, our moms were friends.

we used to, spend every summer together, her house was huge, with a pretty garden.

once, her friend put sand on my hair, and my mom…

she yelled at me for hours, as if, it was my fault.

“you should have wear a swin cap!” she said, i hated swim caps, so bad and i still do.

i also hated, that her dad was making us learn poems during holidays, i thought it was a crime.

how ironic, since i’m now writing poems, about the same holidays.

he used to throw our bodies in the waves, to show us, that we’ll always, come back to the surface.

years after, they moved out, and her dad passed away.

mom said he looked tired, but she was glad, that he could still remember her, before the end.

i wasn’t there, all i can remember, is that he always took care of us.

i don’t know, how i felt back then, i don’t think i realized it until, i saw her again, when we were 16.

this summer, i understood that, when we were kids, she wanted to live my life and i wanted to live hers.

we used to be so small, we were now so grown, but always trying to guess, who has the worst mom.

hers wanted a daughter like me, and mine wanted a daughter like her.

thanks to my dear friend, the last time i traveled wasn’t that horrible, i was going through a lot at the time.

i suddenly, came back to the surface, like i was tired of being underwater.

these days, all i can think about is her making fun of my parisian accent, and the songs we played on the way home.

i lied, when i agreed to see her, now that she lives around.

i used to lie, to be perceived by others as a kid, now i just lie, because i’m afraid of being seen.

i’m scared of facing my memories, eyes to eyes, and i’m just so different now.

i might see her again, when i’d stop, be ashamed about everything.