Howdy! I'm Nettle - I haven't written in a long time but I'm trying to get back into it. I'm 26, I have 2 fat cats (if you're having a shit day, feel free to ask to see the babies and I will happily oblige), and I really enjoy looking at plants/flowers.
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Resident!reader has a crush on Dr. Abbot, but never acts on it because they work so well together and he's never given her any firm indication that he likes more than as his favourite resident. But every so often the praise he'll give is just on the edge of being unprofessional without crossing that line...so she decides to go for it and he rejects her. Before they can speak again she's in a car accident and is brought into the pitt and he goes *feral*. Bonus points if he breaks down and admits his feelings when he thinks she can't hear him because she's so out of it, but she remembers everything. Extra bonus points if he thinks she's going to die at any point. ALL the bonus points if there's a spicy ending....or spicy anything.
Say It First: Dr. Jack Abbot x Reader
Synopsis: Jack has grown used to the emptiness in his heart, a quiet companion that has kept him safe for too long. But when you finally speak your truth, he realizes the hardest battles arenât fought on the field or in the chaos of the ER, but in the silence between two hearts longing for each other.
Warnings: Canon-typical depictions of trauma, angst, hurt/comfort, rejection, mentions of drunk driving, death, car accidents, reader is injured
Word count: 3.6k
A/n: Thanks for sending this in!! I got so many requests and Iâll try to work through them, but a) this was the first and b) this may or may not be inspired by real events (minus the accident) lmfaooo yikes good timesâŠ. Also, no spicy ending, because of, well, where I've ended it, but a bit of flavor sprinkled in... this is soo long / slow burn sorry, pls lmk what you think <3
Thirty-six years old. A mother of two. Only trying to get home. Gone. In the blink of an eye. All because one man chose to get behind the wheel after a night out.
You spent the last hour coding the woman, the air thick and heavy with grief. After taking a minute to honor her life, your feet carry you instinctively towards the roof.
The first rays of the morning sun gently kiss your face and the weight on your chest begins to lift, if only slightly. Your shoulders drop slowly with each cleansing breath, as you release the nightâs tragedy into the vastness of the world below.
Your eyes meet a familiar silhouette standing behind the railing. As always, a little too close to the edge.
"What are you doing here?" Jack turns around, his features softening at the sight of you.
"Can a girl not enjoy a beautiful sunrise in peace?" you counter playfully.
That's a lie. You were looking for him. You always find him here.
"Heard you had a rough one", his tone full of sympathy, or just understanding.
A flicker of pain flashes across your face and without missing a beat, Jack steps back, moving to stand beside you, just behind the railing. His hand rests on your shoulder, warm and reassuring, the lightest of squeezes grounding you.
Your jaw tightens. "She had groceries and toys in the back of her car." With a deep sigh, "Her kids... are still waiting for her to come home."
He lets your words hang there, giving you time to process the loss. "You want me to talk to them with you?"
You wonder when Jack started being so soft with you. You think back to your early days in residency. Your first impression of him was that of a broken, stone-cold man. A soldier, hardened by years of seeing too much, too many lives lost. He used to move through the halls like a ghost, never letting anyone get too close.
But somehow, at some point, he let you in. At least you think so.
You shake your head, desperate to change the subject. "What are you doing up here?
A hint of a smile creeps in. It's faint, but it's there. "Just thinking..."
"...About?"
"Nosy as ever..." Jack's smile grows a little. "Life. Death. Everything in between..."
You press on, "Well, if you're ready to rejoin the living, a few of us are heading to the new pub down the road. The owner was a patient of mine. So, free drinks for me and my friends!"
"I don't have friends here."
You roll your eyes. Hard.
"What am I then?"
"One of my best residents?"
You lean in, whispering, âI'm your favorite though, right?â
Jack huffs a quiet laugh, a small shake of his head. Heâs aware of the irony, of course.
He hasn't really been playing favorites, not consciously anyway. But lately, you've been getting extra attention from Dr. Abbot. More lessons. More opportunities. More praise.
But between the nepo babies and the kid geniuses in this hospital, you figure you deserve a little favoritism.
And you are grateful. Jack is a great teacher. He knows when to step back and he takes the time to teach when you're out of your depth. Believes in you, even when you don't.
The bar is buzzing with noise. You stand there, waiting for the free drinks, watching the crowd. Jack is sat on a stool in the corner, like he's part of the furniture, his eyes scanning the exits. Always on guard, even here.
Most of the team is clustered together, laughter and chatter in the air like a cocktail of relief and friendship. Glasses clink with a sound of shared thanks.
Robby and Heather slip to the other side of the room, their conversation low and intense, the tension between them palpable.
You wonder if people notice a similar air between you and Jack. Your shifts have somehow magically aligned lately.
Princess and Perlah, no doubt, have been talking. The boys, likely betting on whoâs going to admit it first.
Dana steps closer, voice barely above a whisper, "Can't believe you've managed to get our sad boy to come."
Your eyes widen, but she doesn't let you object "He never does. Believe me, we've all tried. Nothing. Not even for Robby. And they're... friends."
You canât help but laugh, "He doesn't have friends."
Dana shoots you a look. "So I've heard."
The bartender hands you two beers, a welcome interruption. You flash Dana a warm smile, before slipping away towards your table, feeling the weight of her gaze still on you.
You hand Jack one of the bottles, without looking, it's almost automatic. Natural. If people saw you on the street, they'd probably assume you were more than just colleagues.
You slide onto your stool, leaning in closer to Jack. "Dana's a little hurt that you've never gone out with them before. Not even for Robby!" You laugh, taking a big gulp of your beer.
Jack smirks, "I told you, I don't do favorites." He's satisfied by the loud laugh he gets from you.
The hours pass by, the noise of the bar blending into the background as you and Jack stay in your own quiet bubble.
Your stools have shifted closer, your knees just barely brushing. You glance down, surprised to find Jackâs hand resting on your thigh, his thumb rubbing slow, deliberate circles over the fabric of your jeans. Itâs almost too gentle, too careful, like heâs testing a line neither of you wants to cross but canât help but feel drawn to.
Your cheeks are flushed, your eyes glazed, laughter still filling the air. You donât know if itâs the alcohol or the way Jackâs presence calms you, but itâs been a long time since youâve felt this alive.
Have the rest of the team even noticed? Are they still here?
Youâve had a bit to drink, maybe more than a bit and as you push yourself up from the stool to head towards the restroom, a dizzy spell hits you.
For a split second, youâre sure youâre about to face-plant into the cold wall next to you, but then Jackâs there. His hand steadies you, pulling you against him with a surprising gentleness.
You remain in his grip, your body melting at the contact. His breath is uneven, but itâs probably from the shock of almost seeing you fall. Unless...?
You look up into his eyes and for a fleeting second, thereâs something there.
A spark.
Something electric that makes your heart skip. And before you can stop yourself, you want to close the distance between you, feel his lips against yours.
But Jack pulls away, his movements soft and almost apologetic as he helps you stand with a shy smile.
You return the smile, but it doesnât quite reach your eyes as you step away, heading towards the restroom.
Once you're out of sight, he turns to see Dana glancing at him across the room. Before he can protest, youâre back, gathering both your jackets, moving with the same confidence you always have. "Wanna walk me home?"
Jack's eyes widen at the bluntness. He freezes for just a moment, hesitation flickering in his eyes before he nods.
"Yeah. Iâll walk you home."
You both head for the door, only to find that the team are, in fact, all still there. And now they're staring.
Watching you leave with Dr. Jack Abbot.
The ER buzzes with its usual chaos, patients rolling in, monitors beeping and the staff moving in sync. But today, there's something else in the air that you can't quite put your finger on.
Youâve just finished treating a patient, now sitting at a computer at the nurses' station, neatly typing up your notes.
You feel everyone's eyes on you.
Today, they are definitely talking.
You glance up and spot Jack across the room. Heâs looking at you already, his expression unreadable. Something about his gaze feels different. A little too focused. A little too intense.
He walks over, reaching across you to grab a chart. His hand briefly brushes against yours as he leans in slightly, too close for a colleague, but not quite crossing the line.
You blink, trying to focus on the patient notes in front of you, but the words suddenly feel distant.
Itâs impossible not to notice the way the team is starting to gather in their little huddles, whispering, eyes darting in your direction.
He stands close enough now that you feel his warmth. The line between professional and personal blurs and for a brief, dangerous moment, youâre not sure where the boundaries lie.
"Youâre a natural," he says, his eyes meet yours and the intensity is enough to make your heart stutter. "Well done."
Jack continues, his voice lower now, just loud enough for you to hear, but not to be overheard by anyone else "You should be proud."
Before you can reply, a sudden voice cuts through the moment. Itâs Robby, walking past with a glance over his shoulder, a knowing look in his eyes. âHey, Jack,â he calls out casually. âSave some of the praise for the rest of us, yeah?â
Jackâs gaze flicks toward Robby, "You know, I donât do favorites."
But something has changed and itâs too late to pretend otherwise.
You suddenly stand, confidently grabbing Jack's arm and pulling him to one side. He is surprised, a flicker of curiosity in his eyes, but he follows you without a word.
You look up at him, âListen, I know weâre not exactly friends.â You pause, your eyes meeting his, willing him to understand what youâre trying to say. âBut youâve been working a hell of a lot of shifts lately. And⊠I thought maybe we could grab dinner sometime?â
You watch Jack's lips twitch ever so slightly, but he composes himself quickly.
He doesn't say anything for a long beat.
Did you cross a line?
âI meanâ, you add, âYou know, to talk about cases or whatever. You donât always have to eat in the break room. And Iâm sure youâre tired of hospital food.â You give him a smile, warm and genuine.
For a second, you think he might decline. You feel your pulse race just a little faster.
But then he returns your smile, "Sure. Dinner sounds good."
You sit across from Jack in a dimly lit restaurant, the glow of the candlelight casting soft shadows on his face. The flicker of the flame reflects warmth onto his dimples.
It feels intimate, like youâre seeing a side of him thatâs been hidden for too long, even from himself.
"Fuck me", you mutter, sinking into your chair, hiding from someone across the room.
"Excuse me?" Jack's voice is surprised, with a hint of something else.
If you weren't so uncomfortable, the shocked look on Jack's face would have made you laugh.
âDonât look,â you whisper, the words slipping out before you can stop them. âBut the guy over there⊠he broke my heart in med school.â
Jackâs gaze flicks to the man in question, but it's so obvious that it makes you flush.
He turns back to you, leaning in, "Want me to rough him up? Just a bit?"
You giggle, "Please don't, we weren't that serious anyway. But he did cheat on me. And at the time, it hurt."
Something dark flickers in his eyes.
"He's a prick", he spews, voice low and sharp.
"Why do I always get the assholes? I think I'll just give up", you laugh.
He hesitates for a moment, but the words leave his lips before he can stop himself.
"Why are you single?" His voice holds genuine surprise.
"Since when are you interested in my love life, Dr. Abbot?"
Or lack thereof.
He doesn't respond. You contemplate for a moment. Is he really this clueless?
"Why do you think?" You question, like a challenge.
"I don't know", his brows furrow. "I think - you like being independent. You're not looking for a man to complete you." He ponders, "And I also think you find dating distracting."
The way he reads you, so honestly, so accurately, hits you in ways you werenât prepared for. You drop your mouth slightly.
How can he be so spot on and so wrong at the same time?
"What do I know. Maybe you just haven't met the right guy", he adds, trying to ease the awkward tension thatâs settled between you.
Or maybe the right guy just doesn't know how to connect the dots!
"What about you then?" You try to shift the conversation.
"What about me?" He laughs.
You shoot him a look.
"Why am I single?", he asks most innocently. "What if I'm not?" You roll your eyes.
"We'll then what are you doing here with me and not making love to your gorgeous girlfriend... or boyfriend?" You add the last part with a smirk that feels more daring than you expected. He can't place it, but this new energy awakens something inside him.
His eyes flicker to your lips, but thereâs a hesitation. The air is electric, you can almost feel the wall between you crumbling.
But his face grows serious. "It's just easier like this."
"Since when are you one to take the easy road?" You counter, your voice sharp.
It's now or never.
You search his eyes, willing him to say it first.
Anything.
But he doesn't. You break eye contact and he feels like he just lost something he didn't know he could have. Didn't know he deserved.
You exhale deeply, the words finally escaping you, "You know I have feelings for you, right?".
The confession slips out, barely louder than a whisper, as if youâre terrified of hearing it yourself.
For a moment, thereâs only silence.
A flicker of vulnerability crosses his face, but it disappears just as quickly. His stoic exterior is intact, but something has cracked. His gaze remains unreadable, like his brain can't comprehend what you just said.
You wonder if you should take it back, pretend it never happened. Maybe you're lucky and he really didn't hear you.
You're not.
Before you can retreat, Jack beats you to it. "Y/N..."
Oh no.
"I'm so flattered...I- Thank you." His words are slow, measured, as if he's trying to find the right ones. "I- I didn't know you felt this way."
What, the excessive flirting and the obsessive need to be near him didn't give it away?
"Ouch. I suppose you don't feel the same", you laugh nervously.
There's that look again. Like he sees right through you. Like he's already seen every part of you. Touched every inch of your body, without ever having seen you naked.
"What do you want with an old man like me anyway?" His voice thick with uncertainty.
Hello? Is that a no?
It stings, but you fight to keep your composure. âYouâre not that old", you tease, but the effort feels hollow in the face of his hesitance.
"It wouldn't end well...", his voice quieter now. "I don't want to hurt you."
"God, if you don't have feelings for me just say so. We're adults. This will they/won't they game is really messing with my head!"
"I'm sorry" he says, the words soft but final. "I can't."
You have your answer.
You've been through too much uncertainty. Always hoping for more. Always confused. It's too much hurt. Too much heartbreak. So you accept his decision.
And know you'll move on.
Your evening has come to an unexpected end. He slips your jacket over your shoulders with that same careful attention, the way heâs always done, because, of course, heâs the perfect gentleman, even after this brutal rejection.
You know it'll take some time to heal, which feels silly, because nothing really happened!
But in your mind, you're already preparing to switch shifts, changing your routine, so your schedules will no longer align.
Jack insists on walking you to your bus stop, his steps matching yours in a slow, rhythmic silence. And in that moment, a wave of sadness overcomes you. You feel like you're not just losing a friend, but also your mentor. Your eyes well up, praying he doesn't see. But he does, of course.
He always does.
You're ready to say goodbye, to the night, but also to what could have been.
When you reach the stop, he unexpectedly pulls you into his chest, his arms wrapping around you with a tenderness that makes your breath catch. One of his hands presses gently against your back, while the other holds your head against his heart, each beat a reminder of what it feels like to be alive, to be loved.
For a brief moment, as you breathe in his familiar scent, you only exist in the present.
In his arms.
The weight of your future and present not threatening to pull you under.
But then reality hits you.
You step back, slowly, as if leaving a piece of yourself behind in the safety of his embrace.
You turn around and walk away. You know he's watching, but you don't look back.
Jack has barely seen you this week, your shifts conveniently ending when his start and vice versa.
He can't help but feel like he's lost something good, not even giving it a chance to become something great.
He's on his way to the hospital for yet another shift without you, his mind wandering back to the moment he watched you walk away.
When he let you go.
When all he really wanted was to let you in. To have his lips touch yours. To interlock your fingers with his. To take you on a real date. To take you bake to his place...
To watch the bus drive off without you.
But you said it first. And he said nothing at all.
The air is different today, charged, the nurses a little quieter, the doctors a little more tense.
Jack looks around, he realises something isnât right. The staff are
huddled in groups, whispering.
Is the hospital finally closing down?
He has a bad feeling about this.
He notices Dana first. She's standing by the nurses' station. When she catches his gaze, her eyes flicker with something Jack canât quite place. Concern? Worry? Heâs about to walk over to her when Robby appears out of nowhere, stepping right into his path.
âJackâ, Robby says, his voice low. Thereâs a weight in his tone, a hesitation that only deepens Jackâs unease.
âWhat's going on?â Jack asks, his brow furrowing, but Robby doesnât answer right away.
Instead, Robby pulls him aside, out of earshot of the others.
The words âdrunk driverâ and âY/Nâ are enough to send a cold shiver down Jack's spine.
Jack's hands tremble as he heads straight for your room, but everything feels distant, muffled.
Heâs flooded with guilt for not being there, for not having checked on you, for all the unsaid words between you.
Christ, he's a doctor and he wasn't there to help you.
More importantly, he was your friend and he let you believe that he wasn't.
Maybe, deep down, he knew he wanted to be more than that.
Now, there you are, lying still, tubes and wires everywhere.
He takes a shaky step forward, his hand hovering near yours. The thought of touching you, of being this close and you not being aware, makes his chest tighten. But he canât help it. His fingers brush against your skin, a fragile connection.
âI didnât- God, I was an idiot. I shouldâve⊠said it. Shouldâve been⊠with you. But I didnât. Iâm sorry. I-â His voice breaks and he curses under his breath.
He doesnât know if you can hear him.
If youâll ever hear him again.
Jack takes a seat next to your bed, drowning in fear for you. Broken. Guilty. Devastated. Alone.
âIâm so sorry", a quiet sob escapes his lips. "I've grown so used to the emptiness in my heart, I didn't know how to let you in..." It's in this moment, he realizes heâs terrified of losing you without ever having truly had you.
For the next couple of days Jack watches your chest rise and fall in a steady, artificial rhythm, but you don't move.
He loses a fraction of hope with every day that passes, waiting for you to wake up, for you to roll your eyes and tell him to stop being an idiot.
Your friends and colleagues check in on you as much as they do on him.
But the silence stretches on.
Robby often lingers in the doorway, exchanging quiet, knowing glances with Jack before he leaves, like thereâs nothing else to say or do.
On the seventh day, Jack finds himself sitting beside your bed long after his shift has ended. His hand rests on the edge of your mattress, close enough to feel the warmth of your skin, but still too far away.
"Iâm sorryâ, he mutters, knowing you canât hear him. His eyes flicker to the machines keeping you tethered to this world, his heart feeling too heavy to bear.
His body stiffens when he suddenly sees your fingers twitching ever so slightly. Then, a shallow inhale, before your eyes flutter open.
Jack watches you look up at the ceiling, disoriented. Then, slowly, your gaze moves to him.
"Jack?" Your voice is hoarse.
He leans forward, the weight of the last few days catching up with him. âYeah,â he says quietly. âIâm here Y/N."
You blink a few times, before the corners of your mouth turn into a smile. Though itâs small and fragile. âI thought you didnât have favorites?â
For a second, he isnât sure he heard you right.
His heart aches, raw and exposed and he knows he can't hide his feelings anymore.
You know. And he knows you know.
You lift a hand, weak but determined and place it over his.
Omg, this turned out way longer than expected!! Hope you liked it anyway. Pls comment/share your thoughts below. âĄ
Notes: This sequel into my head this morning and wouldn't leave me alone so here you go; not beta read.
Warnings: Jack Abbot's A+ Coping Skills; Jack Abbot's suicidal ideation; yearning; fluff; angst; canon-typical medical chat; bed sharing
Summary: Jack had told you. After heâd eyed the clock, called time of death, roughly ripped the PPE from his body, heâd rushed past you, warned: âIâm going upstairs.âÂ
Upstairs.Â
It was all heâd needed to say to remind you of your deal, the pact forged over a slice of pizza in his kitchen just a few months ago. He hadnât let you go home alone; you couldnât leave him to sort himself out now.Â
Itâs no secret that youâre there. You donât make an effort to hide your footsteps, to sneak up on him. You hesitate at the railing, eye the back of his head. Where Abbot is constantly making eye contact on the floor, over a table, over a patient, he doesnât seek it out now. He looks straight ahead, as if he can see everyone thatâs walked through The Pittâs doors and back out again; as if heâs tallying all the ones that were never able to leave.Â
Youâre certain heâs adding the teen that just passed to the tallyâthe sixteen year old with a collapsed lung, massive head trauma, and seven broken ribs, hit head-on by a drunk driver as he took his little sister home from soccer practice.Â
The girl is sitting in the staff lounge with her parents, or was the last time you checked on her.Â
You shift uneasily on your feet. You donât like how close he is to the edge, how far he is on the other side of the railing. Maybe there's someone better suited to handle thisâShen, or Robbyâyou have his phone in your number from the scant day shifts youâve worked, donât you?Â
But Jack had told you. After heâd eyed the clock, called time of death, roughly ripped the PPE from his body, heâd rushed past you, warned: âIâm going upstairs.âÂ
Upstairs.Â
It was all heâd needed to say to remind you of your deal, the pact forged over a slice of pizza in his kitchen just a few months ago. He hadnât let you go home alone; you couldnât leave him to sort himself out now.Â
You draw in a deep breath, steadying yourself before you duck under the railing, crossing over to the boundless edge. You shift testily at his side, turning your head to try and catch his eyeâbut even from this here, heâs unwilling to shift his attention to you.Â
âI thought itâd be louder up here, you know,â You offer.Â
Before you can overthink it, you lean forward, peering over the edge. Your gut swoops at the height, and you suck in a gasp as Jackâs hand grasps the back of your shirt, tugging you closer to him. You swallow thickly, looking forward again as your face boils with panic and nerves.Â
â...Long way down.â Itâs a stupid thing to say. But itâs odd for him to be so goddamn quietâyou canât take it.Â
âIt would suck if youâyou know,â You go on, âIf it didnât work. Youâd be a pavement pancake. Blinding pain. Probably couldnât talk.â
âStop.â
âSorry. JustâIâm saying it could go wrong.âÂ
âSo could a gunshot.â Â
You canât argue with that; youâve seen it, had the proof of it on your table, the blood of it on your hands. You clear your throat, trying to dislodge the lump that forms there. You havenât thought about that night in a long time. At least, youâve tried not to. Sometimes, in your darker moments, it still seeps through.Â
â...You should get back down there,â He urges.Â
âYou should, too.â
âI donât know if I can.â Â
âYou can.â The assertion feels rude; you tack on: âI get it if you don't want to.â
Jack draws in a deep breath, holds it, sighs. You glance over again, take in his closed eyes, the flex of muscle as he clenches his jaw. You inch a step closer, letting your fingers brush against his.Â
âWe have half an hour left.â
âFuck knows whatâll happen in that time.â
âOnly one way for us to find out.â You hesitate before you gently link your fingers together. âCâmon.âÂ
For a moment, you donât think heâll go. You duck under the railing, lifting and lightly tugging his arm as you go. But you feel Jackâs weight shift, and then heâs following you through and back. You keep your hold steadily on his, like if you donât, heâll run off like an errant child. You keep it down the hall, on the elevator. You jab the button for the ED, step back to stand by his side, joined hands clasped and dangling between the two of you. You unthinkingly smooth your thumb along the side of his hand.Â
â...Half an hour,â He grumbles. You glance at your watch, correct: âTwenty-eight minutes.âÂ
- -Â
He doesnât question the way you linger as you wrap up, trailing him to his locker, gathering your things and waiting for him to do the same. The two of you step into the light of a new day, cross into the park, trek through it slowly. When you reach the other side, you stop. You catch his eye, take one step back in the direction of your place. Jack is still quiet, still won't look at you.Â
He didnât give you a choice. Why are you being so precious with him?
You step closer again, reaching out and taking hold of his hand before you turn, beginning to head for home. You wait for the resistanceâthe tug, the shake off, the detachment. But you only make it a half-pace before heâs falling into step beside you. You know that thereâll be more time to pinpoint the exact strain of relief that courses through you laterâas it is, youâre just trying to keep your head in one piece, get the two of you back to yours, showered, ready to decompress.Â
â
âI shouldâve asked,â You scrub your hand across the back of your neck as Lulu sniffs curiously at Jackâs boots. âYouâre not allergic, are you?âÂ
It takes him a moment. Jack seems entirely perplexed by the small black kitten sniffing at his shoes. He glances up at you, shakes his head as he gingerly sets his bag down, wary of startling Lulu. You nod to yourself, turning away with a mutter of, âGreat.âÂ
You hurry back to your bedroom, rifling through your drawers. You have some old clothing of your exâs, items that youâve lagged in getting rid of for far longer than youâve had any business keeping them. Surely that shirt and that pair of pants should fit Jack. As for the footwear, you donât think youâll have any shoes thatâll fit his footâbut you have some non-slip socks that might do the trick for the short-term.Â
You get the bundle of clothes and a towel together as quickly as you can before hurrying out of your room. You present them to him without ceremony, and he takes them without any. You point to the bathroom, and he silently goes.Â
You canât help but watch him trail down the hall, listen to him shut the door, hear the shower crank on. You keep waiting for him to change his mind, to tell you that he doesnât need your help like this, that youâve overstepped your bounds. Was he on tenterhooks like this when he brought you to his place? Waiting to see if your head would pop after you had your pin pulled?Â
You putter around your kitchen, brewing a fresh pot of coffee, feeding Lulu, and absently tidying the living room. You hadnât been expecting company. The place isnât an almighty mess, but it isn't neat, either. Jackâs wasâthe perfect balance of tidy and lived in. You hurriedly straighten the stray books and loose pieces of mail, cramming odd bits and bobs into the storage ottoman that sits beside the couch.Â
Your relief is buoyed when he emerges in your exâs clothes and one of your non-slip socks, when he settles on your couch and puts his head back against the cushion, his eyes sliding closed. You grab a mug, make coffee with way he likes it (you have made a shamefully close study of him in the last few months), and set it on the end table beside him before heading down the hall.Â
You shower and dress quickly, bundling his clothes into your machine and setting them to wash. When you emerge, you have to stop for a moment.Â
As wildly inappropriate as it is for your boss to be in your apartment, itâs far more inappropriate to want to take a picture of him there, sitting in the middle of your couch with your kitten on his lap. His fingers are scrubbing gently between the ears that she has yet to grow into; even feet away, you can hear her purring like an engine.Â
You take soft, careful steps, moving as slowly as you had on the roof. You lower yourself to sit beside them, thighs brushing as you both look down at Lulu.Â
â...I didnât know you had a cat.âÂ
âItâs newâReally new. Only got her a couple of weeks ago.â
âYeah?â
âMhm. My therapist's idea.â You reach out, gently scratching under her chin as you feel Jackâs gaze slide toward you. âShe thought I needed another heartbeat around the house.â
âMmâŠYou been holdinâ out on me?âÂ
âHolding out on her,â You admit. âI told her what happened whenâyou know.â
âJust now?â
âYeah.âÂ
"S'been a while."
"I know. Had to come out some time."
You see Jack nod in your periphery.Â
âFinally tip-toed into the grippy sock stuff, huh?â
âSomething like that.âÂ
âGood.âÂ
You lean back in your seat, smiling as Lulu preens and twists in Jackâs lap.Â
âShe likes you.âÂ
A hint of a smile curls Jackâs lips, and it warms you far more than it should.Â
âIs Lulu short for anything?â
âLucifer.â
âShe seems a little calm to be named after a fallen angel.â
âYou say that now. Wait til you see her zoomies.âÂ
âMmâŠIs there coffee?â
You reach out, taking the mug from the side table and holding it out. Jack looks as surprised by it as he was by Lulu, taking it almost hesitantly.Â
âI thought this was yours.â
âNope.âÂ
âI couldâve grabbed my own.âÂ
âNo, I know, yeah. JustâFigured you might be sore.âÂ
Jack nods, takes a sip.Â
âYou mind if IââÂ
âNo, âcourse not.âÂ
Another nod before heâs leaning over, Lulu wiggling out of his lap before he can cover her completely. You feign interest in the kitten as she nuzzles your hand, but you clock the wince that Jack makes as he removes the prosthetic, setting it on the empty couch cushion on his other side. He lets out a soft sigh as he massages the area.Â
âSo,â He pipes up again, âWhose clothes am I wearing?âÂ
You smile guiltily when he casts you a sidelong glance.Â
âJust some guyâs.â
ââSome guyâ?â
âMhm.â
âMustâve been quite the guy if he left clothes at your placeâunless he evaporated.âÂ
âEvaporation wouldâve been preferable.âÂ
âOh?âÂ
âYeah,â You chuckle. âHe uhâWell, itâs not worth getting into, honestly.â You lean forward, picking the remote up off the table, holding it out. Jack waves you off, shaking his head slightly.Â
âI picked last time.âÂ
You hmph softly, leaning back against the couch as you turn the tv on.Â
âIf you donât give me a mood or a vibe, weâre gonna wind up watching a nature documentary.âÂ
âIâm good with that.âÂ
âBlue Planet it is.âÂ
--Â
âWhat was he like?âÂ
â...Who?âÂ
It takes you a momentâyouâre thick-tongued, teetering on the edge of sleep, tucked into Jackâs side. You donât know when the two of you mutually decided to cuddle up, but your bed is a bit smaller than his. Youâd each have a couple of inches of room if either of you were willing to give them, but it seems like neither of you are interested in space at the moment.Â
âThe guy.âÂ
You tip your chin up, peering at him in the dim light of the room. Daylight is just barely bleeding through the curtains on the other side of the bed, casting a golden glow across his profile as he stares up at the ceiling.Â
â...He wasnât very nice,â You admit.Â
âYou still have his clothes.âÂ
âItâs more convenience than fondness. I wear those when I'm bloated.âÂ
Jack laughs softly, the push of it lifting your arm where itâs draped around his middle. Â
âIâll make sure I give them back.â
âYou better.âÂ
âWould you take him back tomorrow if he asked?â Jackâs head tips as he asks it, waiting patiently for your answer. And thereâs something almost unsettling about him asking you about another man while youâre in bed together. Seems like bad etiquette. But you contemplate, and shake your head.Â
âHe could crawl to me on his hands and knees over broken glass and Iâd still say no.âÂ
Jack smiles, his hand smoothing over the crown of your head, a murmur of, âGood,â dropping from his lips, as if it was something that he really worried aboutâas if he really cared. You smile, dipping your head down and gently headbutting his jaw.Â
âSleep, Jack.âÂ
--Â Â
The sun is beginning to set by the time youâre pulled from sleep. The feeling of a body curled behind yours is curious for a few moments, but the sight of a familiar freckled arm draped across your middle answers that question quickly enough. You hesitantly turn your head, wary of rousing him, but Jack seems to be out like a light.
Itâs another relief in a day thatâs been full of them where heâs concerned. You settle your head back down on the pillow, letting your eyes close, and allowing yourself to just feel for a momentâthe warmth of him, the rise and fall of his chest against your back, the weight of his arm around your middle.Â
And then you realize that moving at all was a mistake, and your body is itching to stand, or roll over, or stretch. But you canât risk waking Jack up, not now. You don't know how much the man sleeps, but the impression that youâve gotten is that it isnât much.Â
You bite your lip, weighing your optionsâŠAnd then shift ever so slightly. You stop, waiting for Jack to move, to sigh, to something. And then you shift a little more, then stopâŠAnother shift, and youâre far enough from him to lay on your back without dislodging his arm. You glance toward him, face primed with a wince, an apology, but he seems to have slept through your wriggling.Â
But once youâve looked at him, you just canât stop. Youâre not sure whatâs enticing you moreâthe greying hair, tousled from sleep; the thickening stubble lining his cheeks; the smoothing of the lines that typically crease his forehead as he takes in a patientâs concerns, doles advice out to his residents, his studentsâto you.Â
You raise a hand, heart ticking up in your chest as you gently smooth a knuckle along his rough cheek. You freeze when you hear him draw in a deep breath, push it out through his nose. But he makes no other move, or sound. You stroke his cheek again, heart leaping when his hand suddenly closes around your wrist, stilling you.Â
â...Tickles,â He mumbles.Â
âSorry.âÂ
âMm.â He lets go, but doesnât make a move to push your hand away; rather, he tips his cheek up, brushing against your hand like Lulu does when sheâs begging to be pet.Â
âAre you hungry?â You ask.
âI could eat.âÂ
âOkay.âÂ
âIt can wait.âÂ
âYou should have something. We both shouldâŠAre you on shift tonight?âÂ
âNn-nn. Day off.âÂ
âHm.â
âAre youâ?â
âNo.âÂ
âOh.â Jackâs eyes blink open sleepily, and you watch him adjust to the dim light of the room, feel the slight grasp and hurried drop of his fingers against your shirt. You swallow thickly.Â
âWhat are you hungry for?â You ask. And the room is so dark, youâre certain youâve seen it wrong, but Jackâs eyes seem to flit to your lips before he sits up. You try not to feel too disappointed, to remind yourself that heâd have to get up anywayâyou both would.Â
âWhatever you wanna doâs fine with me,â Jack finally says, the sound partially muffled as he scrubs his hand across his face. You nod, pushing yourself up beside him.Â
âIâve got a spare toothbrush you can use.âÂ
âSubtle.âÂ
âThatâs not what I meant,â You laugh.Â
âThat belong to the guy, too?â
âEugh, no.â You shove the covers off, rounding the bed and peering around the curtain before opening it fully. The sun has nearly dipped entirely into the horizon, scattering the sky with hues of pink, purple.Â
âItâs no police scanner,â You turn to face him, leaning back against the window, âBut how do you feel about Chinese food and some more Blue Planet?âÂ
Jack smiles as he swings his legs out of bed, leaning down to refit the prosthetic.Â
âSounds good.âÂ
âCool.â You make your way for the door, but stop when Jack catches hold of your hand. You go still, brows raising as he meets and holds your gaze.Â
âThank you.âÂ
âFor what?â You shake your head.Â
âComing to get me.âÂ
You smile softly, taking your hand from his and cupping his cheek.Â