Blue | 19 | sapphire empire | artist | music lovr | sucker for fictional romance | mostly sfw | autistic | she/her |
I love writing angst and I (more often than not) approach sensitive topics that can be triggering for people who struggle with mental illness (especially suicidal ideation since I, myself, have struggled with this issue all my life). Reader discretion is advised.
~
Should go without mention that I don’t condone hate/violence so don’t bother interacting if you’re going to display these kinds of behaviors.
✦ – Masterlist
✦ – Ao3
✦ – Fic recs
I’m currently only writing for AoT but that may change in the future.
Who by Water – Reiner Braun x Reader / Porco Galliard x Reader
₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚
MULTI CHAPTER (not rated) ━ CHAPTER 4 ━ UNDER REVIEW
-⟢ Summary: What the title says ig??
-⟢ Pairings: Reiner/Reader | Porco/Reader
-⟢ Word Count: 3,8k+
-⟢ Warnings: None
-⟢ A/N: I never know if what I'm writing makes sense to anyone other than me. Kinda winging it but whatever.
Enjoy the mess
Also available on ao3
The beat of your heart was slowly picking up as your consciousness gradually returned to you. The lingering effects of the alcohol you had enjoyed the night before were beginning to make themselves known again, as well as the pounding in your head — though you felt like it had never really left.
Last night had been the most fun you’d had in a while. You couldn’t help but feel a bit gleeful at the thought of finally making friends, and with a girl no less. Pieck was so nice and fun to be around, her spirit so uplifting, it was truly refreshing. Being invited to spend an evening with her and Porco made you feel like you could maybe belong in this group somehow.
You had to admit you had been feeling some anxiety about being the only non-shifter in the unit; even though you were more an extension than really a part of it, it still felt like you didn’t belong there. And even if you still had some of that anxiety, seeing how rapidly the warriors were accepting you was helping to ease your nerves.
You knew Porco had his reservations at first, and they were understandable to you — knowing how hard it must have been for them to get into this program in the first place, you had been feeling uneasy about having been brought in without their opinions on the matter being considered — but he seemed to to have gotten used to your presence after a while and Pieck appeared pleased to have you there too.
The two of you got the chance to talk last night at the bar. She asked you about your background and you told her about the time you spent away from home and what your mission was, how you came to become a perfected military theorist. You could tell she was still wondering about why they had needed to bring you in and, to be honest, so were you. You knew this had been the plan from the beginning, the reason you had been sent away in the first place, but you never got access to the knowledge of how and why it came about.
In any case, the price to pay for the good time you had yesterday evening was nagging at you, pulling your body down as if gravity had been exacerbated by your lack of sleep. It had been three nights in a row now, that you got in bed late. You weren’t used to this kind of rhythm and drinking on top of everything else wasn’t really helping your case either. Usually you would have taken full advantage of being given days off and would have spent them resting and getting the full amount of sleep your body deserved; but you’ve also never had friends before, not like this anyway.
Even before you were sent away, you had always felt disconnected from others. Your father always told you that the feeling would go away with age, and, in truth, you were starting to wonder if maybe he had been right. You weren’t sure if it was because you were growing up or because you had finally found people who could understand struggle for the first time. Of course your peers at school and at the orphanage had mostly been Eldians so they had faced hardships as well but somehow none of them seemed too concerned with deeper things. Now that you thought about it, it was only right. You were all just kids, none of you should have been thinking about such things.
An image of Reiner made its way to the front of your mind, flickering with the unstable sound of his cries muffled by your shoulder. You could never seem to forget that night or how perplexed it left you feeling when you went to sleep wearing the same damp shirt that was stained with evidence of his despair.
The stinging sensation of ice-cold water running over your skin pulled you out of your thoughts instantly. You had gotten so lost in your head you barely registered getting in the shower, nor forgetting to turn on the heat. Maybe that was a good thing, considering your slight hangover and the lingering drowsiness.
You decided you would take advantage of this mishap and you threw yourself in under the sprinkling water, wincing as the icy drops rolled down from your shoulders to your ankles.
This is for my own good. This is good pain.
You convinced yourself, the words echoing in your brain as if they were a mantra. In that moment, you deeply regretted ever leaving your warm, soft bed.
Although it felt uncomfortable at first, you recognized that this was doing you good once your body got acclimated to the temperature. You could feel your blood flowing more smoothly, giving you a boost of energy you had been lacking.
Once you were done getting ready, you went straight to the main building of HQ. You were looking for Zeke’s office but instead ran into a soldier you recognized to be the one who showed you to Reiner’s quarters. Your cheeks flushed when he started waving at you vigorously from across the hallway, drawing the attention of everyone around you. You hadn’t gotten the impression he was very sociable when you met him the other night so you were a bit surprised he would act this way now.
“Are you looking for someone again?” He laughed as he approached you.
“Actually—”
“Don’t tell me it’s a warrior again?” He interrupted with a mocking tone. Your face must have been enough to show him he had gotten it right, because his brows pinched at your lack of an answer. “Oh. Well, can I help you out? Who are you looking for exactly?” He inquired, his voice more serious than it had been moments ago.
“I’m supposed to meet the War Chief this morning, but I’ve never been to his office before, and—”
“And you have a terrible sense of direction, which is very unfortunate.” At first, you weren’t sure if he was serious, but when you noticed the smugness creeping across his face, you understood he was being sarcastic. A nervous chuckle escaped your lips.
He pointed out the hallway where Zeke’s office was before ending the conversation and walking off to resume his professional obligations. You watched him walk away, still somewhat confused about your interaction. You mostly wondered why he acted as if the two of you were friends. It’s not that you disliked it specifically, but it still felt strange in way you couldn’t quite identify.
You braced yourself, taking a deep breath before your hand rose to knock on the hardwood door that stood in front of you.
Much to your surprise, the door swung open before you. You could tell Zeke wasn’t expecting you when he realized who was standing in front of him and his face relaxed.
“Ah. Perfect.” The lack of excitement in his voice caught you off-guard. “I was about to go and get you, but it seems that won’t be necessary. Come on.” He gestured for you to follow after him.
He lead you to what seemed to be a training ground just next to headquarters. Though it was still early, a group of children could be observed there and you could easily tell they had already started their training. You quickly understood those children were warrior candidates; their yellow armbands nearly glowing even from far away. You weren’t used to seeing those so they struck you every time you could see them, sticking out like a sore thumb upon the plain white uniforms.
Zeke noticed you staring at them. With a deep breath, he exhaled smoke from the cigarette he had lit while you weren’t looking. The silence between the two of you was tense, taking up all the space around you. You were certain he’d said he was looking for you, yet he hadn’t said anything at all about why.
“I don’t envy them.” You said, your gaze pointing to the sweaty children who’s best efforts weren’t enough to cover up the exhaustion they were enduring. This earned you a snort from Zeke.
“I can’t blame you there.” He sighed and dropped his gaze to his feet before looking back up again. “Listen, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. The brass isn’t sure about your abilities. They need confirmation you are up to the task, which is why you’ll be tested on paper as well as physically. Since you have been training for this for years I assume you won’t mind taking the written test this afternoon. This isn’t necessarily about dismissing you, I assume they need to assess your level and the importance of the role you will be given within the unit. Depending on how you score you will be given more or less important missions. That’s all there is to it.”
You were baffled by how casually he disclosed all this information to you. Although you knew something like this was to be expected, you figured it would have come up earlier. Being taken by surprise like this worried you. You knew there was no way you could go over everything you’d learnt before the time to take the test came so this would entirely be based off of your raw knowledge. You weren’t even in a position to gauge the level of the test since Zeke remained impassible, as if this meant nothing to him.
“So, do you think we have our next Warrior in there?” He asked casually, completely ignoring your lack of a response to his previous statement. You were taken aback by the sudden shift in topic, but this was, you assumed, the kind of thing you would have to learn to expect from Zeke. With every interaction you shared, his eccentric personality became more and more obvious. “We’re supposed to find a successor for the beast titan, but it seems less likely that he is a part of this group with each passing day.” He grumbled, tossing his cigarette to the ground and crushing it under his military-grade boot.
You turned your eyes to the group of candidates, contemplating what to say. You sighed before turning back to face your superior, “I don’t know, maybe one of them will surprise you.” A hint of a smirk appeared on his face as he disappeared back into the building, leaving you alone with a world of pressure upon your shoulders.
You had closed yourself off in your room to eat alone before your test, you couldn’t do anything about the contents of your brain but you wanted to at least make sure you had enough energy to reach it. Eating a full meal was the way to do that and you convinced yourself it would suffice. You weren’t arrogant; you just had enough confidence in your abilities that you were able to push your doubts to the side. However, the pressure of being evaluated by such a revered man — the War Chief — still weighed heavily on your shoulders, which explained why your palms were damp when you went back to Zeke’s office when the time came. You took your test there, with him hunched over his desk.
The tension in your bones subsided when you read through the papers he had given you to examine, and you felt a sense of relief wash over you as you understood the situation more fully. This was not the kind of exercise you were used to. It seemed designed to resemble a real-life scenario in which you had to devise a plan to counterattack an enemy nation that had previously overpowered Marley in an invasion of one of their bases. You found it interesting to a point of nearly forgetting the context. You had been pulled right in, and you didn’t realize how quickly you had finished the test before it was over and you were out of the room.
You weren’t sure when you would find out about your results. Part of you was eager to know how you had done and what they would have to say about the plan you had developed, while the other was worried about what your future would look like if you failed to meet the expectations this early on.
In any case, it was over, so there was really no point in worrying about it now. Your results wouldn’t change based on how stressed you were.
Zeke said that you wouldn’t receive any assignments until he had a chance to look over your test results, so you didn’t have anything to do. Not one thing. At first, you thought you would sleep — because that was probably what you needed most at that point — but just the thought of not being able to sleep later because you would have slept too much during the day irritated you, so you decided against it.
There were not many things to do in Liberio apart from going shopping in the expensive jewelry stores or dining in the nice restaurants, which, even if you would could have done that, it wasn’t really your scene.
You thought about finding Porco as well, but you didn’t know what the other warriors were up to today. You tried looking around for them for a while but when it became clear they weren’t in or near Headquarters, you went back to your quarters, picked out a book and reconciled yourself by sitting down on a bench outside of the building to read for a while. You had trouble finding a spot where the sun wouldn’t bother you but ended up coming across one under the cover of trees. It was quiet for some reason, most of the people working were all packed up inside, leaving you practically alone to enjoy the fresh air.
You could see the leaves dance around with the wind, it smelled pure, perhaps a little muddy from the rain that had been pouring since the early hours of the day, but still nice. You felt light, and it didn’t take long for your body to begin to truly relax. Though you had felt energized this morning, the spike of adrenaline that pumped through your veins earlier used up all your energy and it didn’t take long for your body to catch up to reality. Your yawns were growing closer together, you could barely keep your eyes open anymore. Unknowingly, you let yourself fall on the bench, lying there, alone. The sounds the wind made around you was hypnotizing, pushing you to succumb to the exhaustion. Your hand was hanging from the bench, threatening to let the book you had brought with you fall to the ground, until it did. You fell asleep.
The next thing you remember is being woken up by someone whose low voice made its way into the deepest corners of your subconscious.
“Are you okay?”
He was kneeling down, his face only inches away from yours as he looked deep into your eyes. Not a word left your lips. You barely acknowledged the man in front of you. You looked up. It was dark out yet you couldn’t make out a single star in the sky tonight, as stormy clouds were looming overhead. He looked up as well, following your gaze with intent.
“It’s going to rain again soon, you should go in.” He said, looking at you again.
“Don’t you like the rain?”
“It’s impractical.” A soft chuckle escaped him. The sound was warm.
“So you haven’t outgrown it huh.” You looked down at your side on the bench where your book was. Had he picked it up? You could have sworn it fell earlier. You sat up straight.
When your eyes met his again, all you saw in them was confusion, pure and raw. “I-”
“Is practicality necessary?” You interrupted. “I think the rain is beautiful.”
He stood up, offering you his hand. A familiar sight. “I didn’t say it wasn’t.”
You took it without hesitation and the two of you walked back to the entrance of HQ.
“I’ve been meaning to say, I’m sorry.”
You gave him a puzzled look. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“Falling asleep the other night? I was- I’m just tired these days, I guess my body just gave up.” He huffed, looking down at his feet.
Right. That.
“I think I might know what you mean.” You laughed. “But seriously, you don’t need to apologize, it’s fine. Did I wake you by the way? I tried being quiet when I left.”
“Well you must have been because I slept through the night.” He smiled.
“I’m glad.” By that point, you had reached your door.” Thank you for walking me back.” You said, giving him a kind smile.
“It’s no problem, have a good night.” He waved you off.
“Goodnight.”
You saw a smile form on his lips right before he turned his back to you. You forgot to ask about his day. You were curious about what the warriors did and where they went off to, but the haze that sleeping in the middle of the day had brought to your mind was clouding it. You regretted that.
It had been two days since you took your test and you still hadn’t seen Porco since that night at the bar with Pieck. You missed talking with him. You had spent years barely uttering a word to your peers at the orphanage, but odd as it was, you had gotten used to seeing him almost everyday in the weeks that led up to the others’ return, and it felt weird breaking that routine. He didn’t have so much on his plate when it was just the two of you so he spent most of his time with you when he wasn’t training (which he rarely was). And you were only now realizing that you had grown very fond of his presence, even just sitting in silence together was an idea that appealed you.
Lonely wasn’t quite what you were feeling, but it was definitely something close to it.
You thought about all of that as you read in one of the empty rooms downstairs. No one was using it and it was always nice to get out of your lodge for a while. An almost empty cup of honeyed tea — barely even warm anymore — sat on the table in front of you, an open book next to it, as usual. Something practical. Anything that would keep your mind sharp for when you would be given your first assignment.
You were used to being out of the loop, out of people’s lives and even out of your own sometimes. Stuck in a bubble that nothing seemed to be able to pop. You didn’t mind it per say, but it was starting to look bizarre, not having an update yet. Maybe you really did fail that test. Was that what was taking so long? Figuring out how to expel you? Impossible, you had been studying for this very purpose for so long, there was no way you could fail this early on. Even though you had rarely been faced with the type of exercise represented on the exam sheet Zeke had given you, you were sure you couldn’t have messed it up that bad. It was probably just a matter of time until he got back to you with your results.
Conveniently enough, as the thought ran through your head, you saw a head peek through the glass pane on the door. When Porco’s eyes met yours, they lit up and he quickly opened the door.
“I’ve been looking for you.” He said. You couldn’t tell if he was more happy he found you or irritated he had to look in the first place. “Come on, Zeke asked me to come get you.” He motioned for you to follow him.
The pressure you had tried so hard to chase away was returning all at once at the mention of Zeke’s name. You couldn’t tell, had no way of knowing, if the news you were about to get was a good or a bad thing.
“So how’ve you been? It’s been a few days.” Porco said, bumping your shoulder with his.
“I’ve been good. Slow. They didn’t give me any work, it feels like I’m on probation.” You sighed.
“You openly criticizing the brass in front of me? I could get you fired for that you know.” He teased.
You knew he was joking but it still made you straighten your posture and lower your voice, realizing there was actually a slight possibility you could get fired for that kind of comment.
“Well at least some of us are getting time to rest.”
“Yeah, what have you been doing these days? I looked for you.” You asked, his carefree demeanor rubbing off on you.
"You looked for me?" He huffed. "Miss me?"
You jabbed your elbow into his side gently "Shut up." You laughed.
“I was off training with the others, didn’t they tell you?”
“Who would have told me?” You weren’t important enough for anyone to have bothered filling you in about this kind of stuff and though it seemed obvious to you, Porco didn’t seem to get that.
“I don’t know, anyone?”
“Well they didn’t. I’m not a real warrior, just another soldier— Not even that really. There’s not much they tell me. You know they made me take a test and I still don’t know if I passed yet?” You let a sigh escape, slumping a little.
“Why, d’you think you failed?” He looked at you, a frown forming on his face.
You shook your head. “No, I’m sure I did good. I’m just-” you took a beat, thinking about your next words, the way you had been feeling “I’m bored, I just wish I could get on with it and not be stuck in a state of nothing forever, you know?”
“I don’t.” He huffed. “I’d be glad if they let me have a few days off.”
You rolled your eyes. “Right.”
The two of you had reached the Commander’s office.
“What are we doing here? I thought you said Zeke sent you.” You asked, worried about being in real trouble.
“I don’t know, he just told me to bring you here.” He shrugged.
This must be about your assessment, there’s no way you did something mandating a meeting with the Commander otherwise.
Porco knocked, entering upon Zeke’s approval. Zeke was sitting in front of Magath’s desk, the blinds halfway closed behind it. The coffee on his desk filled the room with its aroma. You could tell it was still burning hot because of the faint smoke coming out of it. It was a strong smell, not one that you particularly enjoyed.
“Galliard, you’re dismissed.” The Commander said, still not looking up from the sheet of paper his was scribbling on.
You looked at Porco with interrogating eyes, to which he just shrugged and turned away without saying a word, leaving you alone with none other than Zeke Jaeger and Commander Magath.
"why can't they just be friends?" not in the homophobic sense, but in the "in your need to center romance in everything you are missing the whole point of the media in question" sense
Who by Water – Reiner Braun x Reader / Porco Galliard x Reader
₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚
MULTI CHAPTER (not rated) ━ CHAPTER 3 ━ A SPELL OF TIME
-⟢ Summary: Talking with Reiner (?)
-⟢ Pairings: Reiner/Reader | Porco/Reader
-⟢ Word Count: 2,7k+
-⟢ Warnings: None
-⟢ A/N: I'm not sure how long it has been since I last updated :‹
I cut this in half bcs it was getting too long for my taste
I hope you enjoy
Also available on ao3
You had been sitting on the edge of your bed for what was beginning to qualify as “too long” now. Your anxiety had manifested in the form of moist palms as your head kept racing through all the uncomfortable ways this conversation could go. It was fair to say your mind had been anything but quiet.
You had never been a very anxious person, if you had to describe it you would more likely say you weren’t the type to stress about things that were out of your control. But talking to others had never been one of your strong suits, and speaking with Reiner now was... well, anything but comfortable. It was bound to be awkward.
There had been a time when you used to talk with Reiner about everything — well, not quite everything but certainly everything that really mattered. But now? When so much time had passed, when the two of you had been so recently and so suddenly reacquainted? You didn’t know anything about this boy anymore, or anything about the man he became while you were away, yet you still somehow managed to back yourself into a corner with him on your first day working together.
You took a deep breath, finally acknowledging you couldn’t avoid this now and it would be better to get it over with at once. It would just be an awkward conversation, nothing more. Worse things had happened to you, to the both of you, so, really, how awful could it be just to talk with him and listen to what he had to say? After all, you were the one who said you’d be there if he needed to talk.
You got up and went straight out, headed for the men’s quarters which were located in the other building. Thing is, when you got there, it finally dawned on you that you had no idea how to get to Reiner’s quarters. You had never been there, never even entered the building. You looked around for a while to see if you could find signs or anything that would indicate a warrior’s presence but found nothing of the sort.
The only thing left for you to do was to ask for help, something you hated above all. There were not many soldiers still working at this hour, most were out in bars or any other place but HQ. By chance, when you looked around you noticed the presence of a young soldier. He didn’t look much older than you, tall with black hair and piercing green eyes.
Your resolve had somehow managed to strengthen the more time had passed so you were able to go over to him without much internal struggle.
“Hello, I’m sorry to bother you this late but I’m supposed to meet with Reiner Braun and I can’t seem to find his door. Is there any way you could point me in the right direction?”
The man looked you up and down and his cold exterior shifted as he sized you up. “Sure, follow me.” He nodded, a smirk on his face.
So you did.
“Are you new here? I’ve never seen you before.” He asked with his back to you. There was a hint of suggestiveness in his voice that irked you slightly but you tried not to think too much of it.
“I am,” you said, “I just moved a few weeks ago.”
“Still, I’m surprised you don’t know where his quarters are, he has like half a floor to himself.” He sighed.
“Half a floor? For just one man?” Though he was a warrior you were surprised they would allocate so much space to a man who had been gone for five whole years.
“Well he’s not really a man, is he?” He scoffed with as much disdain as you guessed he could muster. “I think they just don’t want to take any chances.” He shrugged.
His harsh words baffled you. Despite him being a shifter, Reiner was still human, all the warriors were. Was this really what people — the soldiers thought of them? Just tools, weapons or even monsters? Of course it should come as no surprise that marleyans would have so little regard for eldian lives but you didn’t think they would be so open about it when the “monsters” slept only a few feet away.
Ultimately you did what you had always been taught and remained quiet even though you completely disapproved of his statement. You wouldn’t change anything by arguing with a marleyan soldier so it really didn’t matter.
“This is it.” He stopped, pointing at a door.
“Thank you so much. Have a good night.” You put on the friendliest smile you could as you spoke. When you turned around your face relaxed and you put all your focus back on your task as you headed for what was bound to be the most awkward conversation you’d had in a while.
You were still a little nervous but you were able to push yourself to knock at the door with just one deep breath.
It was answered almost immediately. It felt as if he had been waiting right next to the door for you.
“Hi.” Your anxiety peaked when you saw him, and it was starting to show in your behavior as you tried your very best not to fidget with your hands.
“Please, come in.” His voice betrayed an overwhelming sense of weariness. The dark circles under his eyes had become more pronounced since this morning. Had it already been this way when you saw him earlier? You were so busy trying to get away from him you barely paid any attention.
He stepped aside to let you in, then closed the door behind you. You walked past him so closely you couldn’t avoid the scent of him. It was a little musky — maybe like amber? There were also some undertones of tobacco. The smell was subtle, almost reassuring.
As you walked into the main room, you could only notice how empty the place felt. It was as if everything was brand new with barely any signs of anyone living there save for a few books on the living room table. It was a bit unsettling, though you thought it fitting, this was still Reiner after all. At least the lighting was nice, dim and warm.
You stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, unsure what you should do now.
“Do you want a glass of water? I’m afraid that’s all I can offer you right now.” He said, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck. He still seemed distant, unreadable.
“Water is fine.” You chuckled nervously. You followed him toward the kitchen and sat down at the counter as he reached for a glass. “So...” You started, hesitantly.
“You’ve changed a lot you know.” He interrupted. You weren’t sure what expression he was wearing as he had his back to you but if you had to tell from his voice alone you’d say he seemed a bit distraught if anything.
You were a little surprised by his words, letting a few seconds go by, the only audible sound being that of water pooling in the glass he was busy filling for you. “...What?”
“And I... I didn’t think I would ever see you again.” He continued, leaning against a cupboard after placing your drink on the counter in front of you.
His arms were crossed over his chest, “Still I should have recognized you.” He shook his head, looking down at his feet as if he were embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”
You couldn’t help but chuckle nervously at this. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I didn’t leave you much time to notice, besides, we were never that close to begin with so really, it’s no big deal.”
He looked up at you, your statement seemed to have startled him somewhat. “Weren’t we? I don’t remember much. It all feels like a lifetime ago.” He sighed.
Now that you were really thinking about it, you realized that you had never thought of Reiner as a friend, not really anyway. This was even though he was probably the closest thing to a friend you had back then.
You had never been one for socializing, most of the time it felt like playing pretend whenever you interacted with others, no matter their age or gender. And while it was nice to talk with Reiner, you never thought you would qualify as more than a background character in the story of his life. Or anyone’s for that matter.
He was right about one thing though. This all did feel like it had happened a whole lifetime ago. You both had grown so much since then, you were different people now. This made his presence feel both familiar and unfamiliar.
It felt weird being there now, talking to him like this when he was so different. You knew how much war was said to change people, especially in his case, but it was one thing to know about it and a whole other thing to really witness it. You had to say, this was an especially drastic change from the boy you knew once upon a time.
Nevertheless, maybe this was an opportunity you should explore. This could be your second chance to get to know him.
“So, when you say I’ve changed, is that a good thing or a bad one?” You teased, tilting your head at him, trying to lighten the mood.
He laughed, looking down again. “Good, obviously, you’re-”
“Well you have to know you changed too, right?” You interrupted, “I’m yet to understand just how much but... You know what, I think I might like you better now. From what I’ve seen at least.”
He went over to the couch that was positioned in the middle of the room against the far wall, “That would be a first.” he sighed as he sat down. His composure fell a little more, as if he were ashamed of who he had become.
You only then realized how insensitive your comment had been. He had gotten so broken, it was like you were saying you liked him better when his life was miserable. It couldn’t have been easy on him, all those years away. And to come back after that, like this, to hear and see how everyone looked at him now.
“So I guess it didn’t work out the way you planned.” You sat down at the far edge of the couch, as far away as you could to avoid invading his personal space.
He was looking down at his hands as though they would reveal some kind of deeper truth to him. “That’s...” he took a deep breath, “An understatement.” before exhaling. “Though I’m not sure I’m entitled to much complaining these days. Considering all the terrible things I’ve done.” He leaned his head back to rest on the back of the couch.
Apart from what you had read in the official records, you didn’t know much about what happened after you left. You didn’t know anything about what happened on Paradis, except for what Pieck had explained the night before. You could only imagine how bad Reiner had it. How awful it must have been to live there. Having to inflict such violence on so-called devils and have to pretend to be one of them. Of course Reiner had been part of those who wished their extinction but you could tell his views on the matter had changed since then. Even if they hadn’t you wouldn’t be able to blame him or the others like him. You had all been taught the same thing. Having it enforced into your brain from the earliest age by all. Only few realized the truth, that you were all just people. That there were no devils.
Maybe you would have been like them if your father hadn’t been who he was. You liked to think you would still have been able to see through it but, realistically, you probably wouldn’t have.
You hated this world. How unimportant human lives seemed to be. Eldians were suffering on each side of the world and no one seemed to care. Sometimes you wondered about how much more peaceful it would have been if your people had never existed to begin with. None of you would have had to suffer. But, knowing humans, they would surely find another reason to oppress and terrorize even if Eldians weren’t there to serve as their scapegoats.
By the time your thinking finally became too dull for you to keep at it, you realized Reiner was still lying in the same position, not having moved even an inch since he last spoke. Carried away by your mind, you had failed to notice how the man beside you had fallen asleep in your presence.
Seeing him like this felt strange, as if you were eavesdropping on a scene you were not supposed to be witnessing. His features had softened, letting way for a whole new expression to spread across his face; that of peace. Nothing like what you had been seeing him wear before.
The realization dawned on you that you had already been privy to such a scene before, back when the innocence still lingered in both of you and neither of had yet grown into the shells of people you were forced to become. A smile formed on your lips before you could notice it. A genuine smile, one that was reminiscent of times when your lives hadn’t been decided yet, when you still were able to dream.
Of course, things had changed. The determined and kind-hearted boy you used to know had turned into a man you had yet to figure out. It seemed his features had hardened with time, what used to be soft and delicate before now seemed harsh and rough to the touch. As if he was made of clay, his every features now looked like that of statues wealthy people raved about. Even the way his chest rose and fell pulled you in, enough to make you forget any of this was real, until you did.
You felt your heart beat faster as you wondered how he would react if ever he woke up and found you staring at him in this way. You took a deep breath, and another, shaking the strange feeling out of your body and deciding the sensation in your chest was simply a reflection of how tired you had gotten.
You brushed it off, got up and walked slowly across the room, making sure not to wake Reiner by creaking the floorboards with your footsteps. You closed the door behind you as softly as you had opened it.
The harsh light of the hallway was a stark contrast to the comfort you had just left behind you. The night had caught up with you and the cold along with the eerie quiet that you were now surrounded with was enough to make you shiver.
You walked back to your apartments and climbed into bed in complete silence. Despite your attempts to push them away, thoughts of Reiner’s captivating breathing and peaceful demeanor still found their way into your mind. It made you cringe that you could still be so affected by the past. Not to mention you never intended to be thinking of him in that way when he was so clearly struggling.
It was an embarrassing moment of weakness but it was only that. Besides, there wasn’t anything weird about it. You were just worried about him, that was it, nothing inappropriate as far as you could tell. At least that’s what you told yourself as you shrugged it off and drifted to sleep.
Also I sometimes wish I could feel it again and I know a lot of people can relate to that, it’s unexplainable how distinct that feeling is.
For me it’s like I’m actively changing who I am and I’m semi-aware of it. I have such a hard time getting into new things because I cling to that feeling sm.
Who by Water – Reiner Braun x Reader / Porco Galliard x Reader
₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚
MULTI CHAPTER (not rated) ━ CHAPTER 2 ━ DOWN BY THE DOCKS
-⟢ Summary: First unit meeting. Going out with Porco.
-⟢ Pairings: Reiner/Reader | Porco/Reader
-⟢ Word Count: 4,7k+
-⟢ Warnings: Referenced death, Grief
-⟢ A/N: Took me forever to edit this bcs I have no time to write atm.
If you see any mistakes or inconsistencies be sure to let me know and plz don't mind it as I am literally running on no sleep /ᐠ - ˕-マ｡˚ᶻ 𝗓
Also available on ao3
You woke up slowly as the sun's rays filled the room around you with a soft light. You could feel their soft warmth pushing ever so slightly on your skin. The sense of tranquility and peace it brought to you made you linger in bed a moment longer than you usually would have before you finally decided to get up and out of bed. It was usual for you to have a harder time being active in the mornings, you had never been too eager to start up a new day. The silence that often accompanied the early hours of the day made it even harder too. Not that you hated the silence, on the contrary, but you had to admit that this specific kind was not the one you preferred, even finding it somewhat overwhelming in its quiet.
You opened your curtains, fully letting the sunlight shine through the window. Somehow the hardest part was always to get up, after that was over you always found your limbs took a life of their own and guided you through this part of your day.
Faced with the bathroom sink, you decided to go ahead and splash some water on your face, trying to force your body to wake up fully before you could start to get ready. When you went over to your kitchen to check out your pantry, you realized it was almost empty, forcing you to add yet another unwanted task to your to-do list for the day. The only thing left for you to eat were leftovers from the day before. You weren’t too happy about having to eat them but you needed sustenance if you wanted to be able to think clearly, however unappetizing it might have been. After you finished eating, you got dressed and arranged your hair. It was a little early still, your meeting wasn't for another half hour. Still you decided to head out, you figured you would catch up on your reading in the meeting room while you waited for the others to arrive.
The halls were mostly empty in the mornings, though you did run across a group of soldiers. Surprisingly, among the group of fully grown men, was a blond boy who looked about twelve years old. His yellow armband was a heavy contrast to the sea of grey ones he was surrounded in, it instantly caught your eye. When the boy noticed you were looking at him, he simply smiled and offered you a little wave. You thought he seemed nice, innocent somehow. It was a shame he would probably sone come to lose that innocence. Being a candidate didn’t leave room for children’s dreams to prevail, that much you knew.
When you got to the meeting room, you opened the door to find it was completely empty, the breeze coming from the open window the only presence in the room. You set your things down on the table before going to close it, barring entrance to the violent chill that had settled in the room overnight before heading over to the kettle. You made yourself a cup of tea, regretting the fact that there was no honey available to put in it. When you sat down and opened your book of the moment, it was as if you were immediately absorbed in it. So absorbed, in fact, that you didn't notice how the door creaked open as Reiner entered the room.
He cleared his throat awkwardly, seemingly trying to get your attention, which he did as you looked up at him. He was standing by the table, his back straight, shoulders square and a serious expression on his face. The dark circle under his eyes made it obvious that he did not sleep much since you saw him last night.
"Oh hi. You're early." You said, unsure what to make of the look in his eyes.
"Sorry, who are you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. He seemed genuinely curious, something you had rarely seen him express before, though you wouldn’t be able to recognize it anyway, now that he had changed so much.
"Ouch." You responded, mimicking pain. "We met yesterday? Though I guess you didn't stay long and you did seem pretty lost in your head, so I won't blame you for not remembering." You said, trying to chase away the grim atmosphere that his presence brought to the room with light teasing. "I'm sort of... the new member of your unit? I believe Zeke may have told you about me?" You were still unsure what your exact role in the unit was since you had not been able to work much when your direct supervisor had been out ever since you had arrived. Nonetheless, it seemed your words were enough to content Reiner, as you could notice his face relax ever so slightly when they left your mouth.
"Right. Sorry about that. I wasn't in the best headspace to meet people yesterday." He said. It was quite obvious, despite the indirect implication of his words, that his headspace hadn’t changed much overnight.
He sat down in the chair next to the one opposite to you. You weren’t sure whether it was deliberate or not but you definitely took note of it. Not in front of you, not next to you, but still close enough that you could talk. As if he didn't want to openly invite you in but he — perhaps unconsciously — still sought some company.
"It's okay, I didn't take it personally." you said, smiling kindly at him before looking back down at the book in front of you. Of course that was a lie, obviously you'd taken it personally, it stung a little but it's not like you really, deeply cared about it. In truth, this kind of thing didn’t mean much to you most of the time. People often forgot your name or presence entierely. But this time was somewhat different. Even though you had not seen this boy in half a decade, in the few weeks since you had gotten back to Liberio you began to harbor some hope that he would recognize you when you met again, or at least remember you when he heard your name for the first time in so long. And it had to have been the first time, since no one knew of your past friendship — though you were not even sure you could even call it friendship.
You didn't notice the uncomfortable silence that filled the room as you read through each line with undeniable focus. Reiner's fingers were crossed on the table, his gaze fixated on it. When you finally got up to use the bathroom before the meeting started, you noticed his position hadn't changed. His shoulders seemed tense, like he was frozen, barely even blinking at all. You weren’t sure exactly how you were supposed to feel, seeing him like this. He looked like only a broken shell of the boy you used to know. Feeling his despair, his anguish, it became obvious what you felt, the only emotion he left room for anyone to feel around him; pity.
"Are you okay?" You asked hesitantly. Wondering if he would even hear you.
He looked up at you and put his hands on his lap quickly, as if you had startled him. "I'm fine." He said, clearly not convinced by his own words. He paused, looking down again for a moment. "I didn't get much sleep last night is all." He sighed.
You figured it was only a natural reaction to losing a friend. Especially when he had been so close to that one. You could only imagine the kind of pain he was experiencing. You had never had the displeasure of enduring grief in that way. Of course when your father was sent away all those years ago you knew he was being sent to his death, he made sure you knew. But to be honest you never really had the chance to learn to care for him. He didn’t take care of you very much, not in the “caring” sense anyway. The two of you had never been close. It’s not that you resented him as much as you just didn’t know him well enough. On that day the most you grieved was the stability of your life. And besides him, you had never really made friends either, even less lost one. Still, you could tell how devastating this kind of even could be, even though it was hard for you to express it properly now.
"Yeah, I can tell." You said, the words rolling off of your tongue before you could even process what you were saying. He raised one of his eyebrows at you. "Wait no, sorry, I-I didn't mean it like that..." You felt your heart start beating a little faster as the panic took over. Your body tensed up in an instant. Before you could start to visibly unravel over the embarrassment, Reiner spoke up again.
"It's fine." He huffed, what would have been a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "No need to apologize."
You sighed, your shoulders dropping as you turned around, going for the door. As you reached for the handle, you stopped yourself, turning back toward him. "You know... I understand that we don't know each other anymore, but I'd still be happy to listen, if you ever needed to talk. I think maybe it would be easier to talk to someone you're not close to." Your voice was calm as you said this, steady.
When you turned back around, you realized what you had just said, what you'd let slip. You hated how careless you were, how little you thought about the things you said before you said them. Your lack of social interactions during your time away wasn’t much of an excuse anymore and you were starting to believe this was just who you had become now. You didn't give him time to answer before exiting the room, leaving him to his thoughts.
When you got back, the rest of the unit was there. You sat back in your seat as the meeting started, and it seemed like time was passing slower than usual. You could feel Reiner's eyes on you all throughout. You didn't look at him yourself, trying to focus on Zeke's words as he explained in more detail the battle they had just gotten out of and where they should go from here. It was obvious they were all in bad shape. Pieck was so tired she couldn't stop herself from yawning, trying to find a comfortable position to sit in. She had just spent weeks in her titan form. You couldn't imagine how uncomfortable and exhausting that could be. The debrief came to a wrap after an hour. The warriors were given two days off to rest before coming back to work. Zeke dismissed both Reiner and Pieck, asking Porco and yourself to stay and talk with him for a moment.
"See you later?" Pieck asked the both of you. You weren’t sure how you had so quickly become someone she would include in her plans but you weren’t about to complain about it. "I've got things to do now but we should catch up later."
"Fine, see you later." Porco answered before you could even finish your trail of thought.
“Yeah.” You completed. You didn't even notice your bland tone, too focused on what Zeke could possibly want to talk about. Porco frowned at your response, clearly noticing how tense you had gotten.
Reiner had left before any of you realized it. The door closed behind Pieck as she went, leaving the two of you to face Zeke.
"So," He sighed your name. He stood up and faced the window before calmly placing his hands on the windowsill. "How was the move?" his shoulders moved back, as if he was loosening up a bit more.
"Good." You responded, surprised by the question. He didn't seem like the type of person who would worry about details such as this. A chill ran down your spine as silence filled the room. Porco’s presence seemed to have been forgotten by the both of you.
"Good." He said, dropping his gaze to the floor. You crossed your arms over your chest as you leaned back in your seat, looking at him more intensely. You wondered what he was truly thinking about. The sound of your movements prompted him to look your way. "You do remember why you're here, don’t you?" He inquired. His question seemed to pique Porco’s curiosity as he looked at you confused.
You had been briefed by the commander on the very day you moved here, how could you not know why you were here? "Of course I do." Your voice was steady. He leaned back against the window and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his coat’s pocket. He silently offered one to Porco, which he refused.
“I don’t smoke.” He was obviously somewhat irritated, but you weren’t sure by what exactly.
"I'm counting on you. We need this now more than ever." He said, looking back at you, a stern look in his eyes. The solemn tone he employed surprised you. You straightened your back. The silent nod you gave him seemed to be enough of an answer to satisfy him.
Porco cleared his throat aggressively next to you, starting to grow impatient.
“Right.” Zeke exhaled smoke before continuing, “So, you two have been... acquainted?” He asked, uninterested.
“Yeah.” / “We have.” you both answered at the same time.
“So you won’t mind spending some more time together then.” You weren’t sure if the man in front of you could seem any more disinterested in the conversation happening in this room. “I’ve been asked to make sure you are trained... Physically, I mean. Your intellect is one thing, your strength is another. I don’t have any interest in it but it is required that you are properly trained if you are to be apart of the military.”
Noticing the confused look on your face, Zeke continued, “Galliard here will be making sure you are apt to pass the physical test. I’ll leave it to the two of you to agree on a time and place to train.”
Porco crossed his arms over his chest, clearly perplexed. “When is this test?” He asked.
“In a month.” Zeke answered before stubbing out his cigarette. “Why, you got something better to do?” He ran a hand through his hair, slightly combing through the overgrown blonde strands.
Porco looked down, thinking. You on the other hand, were still in your head, pondering what Zeke had said. Did your superiors really need this kind of guarantee from you? You weren’t here to fight, why would your physical strength need to be assessed? Would you really lose your too-recent position over it if you failed? Not that you necessarily would but still, you didn’t know what kind of standards the military had. Was your orphanage training sufficient? It would have to be, either that or you would have to give your all into training with Porco, assuming he would accept.
“You shouldn’t have too much work with this one, I hear she has a good training already. Also you don’t have a choice.” Zeke’s words pulled you out of your thoughts. He seemed sure enough that you would pass. After all, why would he even have bothered bringing you here if he thought this kind of test would knock you out.
“Yeah. Fine.” Porco said, looking back at you. You were at least glad you could enjoy the privacy of training with the person you had grown closest to here. It’s a kind of freedom you never enjoyed back at the orphanage. Of course you also weren’t exactly sure what kind of teacher Porco would turn out to be but he couldn’t be any worse than what you had already experienced.
Zeke nodded, sighing slowly. “You two should take the next couple days off along with Pieck and Reiner.” He walked to the door, opening it before turning back to you. “Enjoy it, it’s the last bit of rest you’ll be getting for a while.” After saying this, he left and closed the door behind him, leaving you alone with Porco.
The interaction left you a bit confused. As short as it was, the conversation somehow had you feeling like you had been left with more questions than you were given answers. The awkward silence Zeke left behind after imposing your company upon Porco was taking up all the space in the room.
You were still curious about Zeke but you could see why he was given the highest rank within the unit. A charismatic leader, you knew that already but spending a whole hour listening to him talk only confirmed it. Your interest in him grew after this meeting, though you were still unsure about how you two would work together.
You deflated in your seat, giving up trying to figure everything out for the moment.
“So, are you coming or what?” You pulled your head up to look at Porco who was now standing in the doorway, looking at you and waiting for an answer.
“I’m...” You weren’t sure what to say, you just knew you couldn’t deal with the noisy headquarters cafeteria right now. “I didn’t sleep well last night, I’m going to go rest a bit. See you later?”
“Fine, suit yourself.” He groaned before going out into the hallway. Frankly, you were too out of it to care at that moment.
-
The sun was at its highest when you decided to go out. Its hot rays pressed against your skin as you walked through the narrow streets of Liberio. Your steps were heavy on the pavement as you let your legs carry you to Porco's house. You had nothing in mind when you went to look for him, you just... did.
When you arrived at his door, you knocked softly. Too softly. Perhaps you were still thinking about the conversation you two had shared with Zeke earlier. No one answered. You knocked again, harder this time. And finally , after a few moments, the door opened.
"Didn't think I'd see you again today." Porco sneered.
He was dressed more casually than you were used to. Only wearing a simple white T-shirt. The short sleeves clung closely to his triceps and you found your gaze lingering on his muscles for a moment too long before remembering yourself and pulling your gaze away. You pinched your eyebrows together in a frown as you tried to gather your thoughts.
"What do you mean? We agreed to meet, didn't we?" you were genuinely confused, wondering if you had missed something.
"I didn't think you were serious earlier," he replied. "It seemed like you were trying to blow me off more than anything else." His eyebrows raised as he realized how clueless you were.
"I'm sorry." A heavy sigh escaped your lips. "I've just been focusing on Zeke all morning. I didn't mean to be rude to you Porco.
"It's fine. You're here now I guess." He shrugged and stepped out of the doorway, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
You walked down to the docks together and sat on the edge, letting your feet dangle over the water. The sea brought a nice chill to the air and strands of your hair danced gently in the wind, it was refreshing. The sight of the ocean brought you a deep sense of serenity. Like witnessing it was a blessing, like it meant you were free.
You could feel Porco’s eyes on you, "What?" you asked, chuckling lightly.
"What did Zeke mean when he asked you if you knew why you were here?" His gaze shifted forward as he stretched his arms out behind him.
"I’m not sure. It confused me more than anything else to be honest. Asking if I remember what I’m here to do as if I haven't been training for this moment for a third of my life. To be honest I don't think I was supposed to understand what he meant, it just seemed weird." you answered, shrugging your shoulders as you turned to look at him. "Why?" you tilted your head slightly.
"Just curious. I never really understand him either. A little intense for me."
"Intense for you?" you laughed.
Porco looked at you, the confusion evident on his face as he pursed his lips in a deep frown. "What does that mean?"
"Just- you're- well, you know." He looked even more baffled than before. "Never mind, sorry." you chuckled, laying down on the platform as you let your body succumb to gravity. "Did you see Reiner leave?"
"No I didn't, I don't really pay attention to that guy." He said. His voice was cold and his tone uninterested when he talked about Reiner. It seemed to you like he was trying to act like he didn't exist.
“Sure you don’t.” You smiled. Porco huffed next to you, as if to tell you you were wrong.
You closed your eyes and let out a deep sigh. For a moment you felt the world disappear beneath your breath. You could have stayed like this all day, just enjoying the afternoon weather. The temperature not too warm or too cold, just right. You felt a light breeze brush against your skin. Everything was so still. The noise of the water beneath you made you feel like your thoughts were being pulled away with every passing wave, effectively silencing your mind. You had spent so long away from the sea, you didn't even realize how much you had missed it before this moment.
"We should come here more often. It's nice." You said, your voice barely above a whisper. You two hadn’t hung out down here before, you had mostly stayed close to Headquarters because you wanted to get acclimated to the building before the others got back.
Your eyes were still closed but you could feel Porco shift his head to look down at you. He positioned himself the same way you did, almost mirroring you. He didn't answer you right away, looking up at the sky, trying to feel what you felt, see what you saw. His body relaxed more and more with every breath.
"We really should." He said softly. You felt comforted by his tone suddenly. You had found it weird he didn’t mention anything about training but you understood now that you barely needed to speak to be understood by Porco. It was nice.
You both lay there for a few hours. The calming sound of the waves, soft heat of the sun, it all made you fall asleep so quickly. When you woke up, you noticed Porco fell asleep as well.
You sat up, looking forward at the sky and how it seemed to melt into the sea. This was the first time since their return that you had allowed your mind to go to that place. Usually you preferred not to think too much about the future. Though now that you thought about it, there hadn't been much to think about before. It was as if you had spent six years in a bubble, away from the world and from reality. It was all real now. The thought made you shiver.
You felt a hand fall on your shoulder. "Are you okay?" How long was I out?" Porco asked, wiping his eyes with his other hand. You remained silent, offering him a gentle nod as a sign of acknowledgement. Suddenly, he noticed that the sun was setting before him. The sky was fading into this beautiful shade of orange you loved so much. His hands fell to his lap.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" you said, letting a light smile reach your lips. You felt Porco stand up next to you.
"Come on, we should go." He said quietly, offering you his hand.
You looked to him and took his hand as you got up. You put your jacket back on, noticing the air was a little colder than it had been moments ago. Your steps felt lighter than they were when you first got out earlier. On the way to Headquarters, Porco mentioned that he had plans to meet with Pieck for drinks tomorrow evening. He invited you to join them and you happily accepted. You got a little excited at the thought of getting to know Pieck better.
-
When you got home, you remembered your pantry was still empty. Grocery shopping was probably your least favorite task but it was one you needed to partake in if you wished to eat anytime soon.
With a sigh, you put your shoes back on your feet. You also made sure to put your armband back around your arm and checked yourself quickly in the mirror to make sure you didn't look like too much of a mess before you went out.
You placed your hand on the doorknob and twisted until the door opened. When it did, you were confronted with Reiner.
You found him standing there as if he were about to knock before you opened the door. His lips parted in surprise when he saw you. He quickly drew his hand back, a hint of panic showing in each of his movements. It was quite intimidating for you, this tall broad man standing unexpectedly so close to you. You both took a step back after an instant.
"Uh... What can I help you with?" You were confused as to why he was even here at all.
You could see him try to regain his composure, his face returning promptly to its natural serious expression.
"I wanted to talk to you." He said, clearing his throat. His voice was still a bit hesitant but you could tell he was trying not to let it show.
"Okay, well now's not really a good time, I have an errand to run. Can we talk at another time? I know you're not working tomorrow so...” You felt anxious talking to him after your slip up this morning. You walked up to get through the door as you spoke, closing it behind you and heading for the stairs. “Maybe the next day?" Reiner followed in your steps.
"Wait." He said. The hint of despair you heard in his voice made you stop instantly. You turned to face him. "I really want to talk. About this morning, what you said?" You felt your chest tighten. "I know this isn’t a good time but... maybe you could meet me when you’re done?"
You thought about it for a minute. It was inevitable, this conversation. You would have to eventually address the issue no matter what. At least this way it would be done, you would get it over with and not have to spend another day with this issue twirling around in your mind.
"Fine. I'll try to be there but I can't promise you anything." You replied. You felt bad about how indifferent your tone was but you couldn't manage anything else in that moment. He nodded before turning around to leave. "Wait," you stopped him, "Where am I supposed to meet you?" you asked, confused.
"Um... Since I don’t know how long you’ll be gone you can come meet me in my quarters after you’re done. I'll wait for you there."
You accepted his invitation with a nod before walking away.
You weren’t exactly sure what to expect from this encounter. What would he even say to you? Maybe he still didn’t remember, even after what you said. Maybe he just wanted to take you up on your previous offer. Or maybe he thought it unprofessional of you to bring these kinds of matters up to him now.
All sorts of anxious thoughts were rattling around in your mind. A tinge of embarrassment had wiggled its way through your system and now you were unsure you even wanted to talk with him at all, the only attractive activity right now was hiding under the covers for some time. As if that would save you from any consequences. How stupid were you that you had to go and talk to him about that. What a careless mistake you had made.
In any case, that would have to wait. For now the only thing that matter was the task ahead.
