Well, that was ... sudden, too straightforward for his liking. Though her brute honesty was a quality he loved about her most, it's the circumstances that had him mentally recoil with surprise. She always seemed to him on the verge of admitting something, a look in her eyes he couldn't quite read despite his best efforts, and before he could reach a conclusion of any sort, she would falter, avert her gaze, talk about strategies instead, work, always work, it was one of the reasons that tore them apart, her conscious too heavy with losses &. responsibilities that it made it impossible for her to find her own happiness, shouldering a boulder-like guilt on her shoulders for what happened to their friends when it was never on her ; a reality that devastated Johnny as well, but he never allowed to show through, kept his smile intact to assure her every time. It was just a matter of time until she would retract to herself and keep her burdens to herself, he hated it. They had always been there for one another during the two years of war against outworld she was his anchor as he was hers, it wasn't her absence that upset him as much as it was the idea of refusing his aid ... one issue spiralled into another, one divorce later and he was in rehab, he's still ashamed, when he should've been patient &. understanding, he regressed back into that path of self-destruction, the seperation was meant to ensure cassie wouldn't have to live out terrible childhood, but what good has he done to make up for it ?
They were young, rash, both at fault for miscommunication and flaws of their own they should have solved before jumping into marriage, he knows this now, yet he doesn't regret those years, doesn't regret having their beautiful daughter, only looks back at those few happy years with a deep melancholy. How many times did he fight the urge to tell how that he missed her, that he would do better, be better, that he lived her still and never blamed her for what happened ? Confessions always set aside in fear of the response that may come, for at a time he truly thought she couldn't stand the idea of him, that she perhaps wanted nothing to do with him anymore. And now, to hear her say all of this, eyes glistening with emotions that made his heart drop, it was too much.
❛❛ That's ... a big update ... ❜❜ he joked, not knowing how to react properly if not with humor a coping mechanism that never made him feel light at heart regardless of what he gave off. His smile is brief, fading quickly as he took a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, his grip on the table tightening as if to restrain him from crossing that distance without a single thought. He wanted to, god, he wanted to. He wanted nothing more than to have her back in his arms, wipe away that pain in her eyes and take it all as if it was his own, tell how much he missed her, how much his love for her only grew with time. But then what ? Will they fight again ? Repeat another cycle of hurt ? He can't endure another heartbreak. why now ? He wanted to ask, but held his tongue and kept his gaze focused downwards, time taught him the benefit of thinking before opening his big mouth, he wouldn't take a step until he's certain it would be different this time not just for him but for her as well. ❛❛ Sonya, if this is about what I said before, I'm sorry, I was bitter, that was wrong of me. I don't want you to feel forced into anything because of me. ❜❜ he speaks, cursing at himself for being the one who's doing the avoiding, he knows it isn't about that, but it's just ... too sudden. ❛❛ I would just appreciate it if you let me in from time to time, you know ? ❜❜
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